Jim Jordan

Poo-Flinging Republicans


cjones11172019

Jim Jordan has a law degree but he never took the bar examination. It’s a good thing, too, because, there are some legal details he doesn’t understand, like corroborating witnesses.

Jordan pointed out that neither William B. Taylor Jr., the top U.S. diplomat in Ukraine, nor George Kent, a deputy assistant secretary of State specializing in Ukrainian matters, had never spoken to Donald Trump. Jordan’s argument was that it makes their testimony moot. Republicans love to compare the impeachment proceedings to a court of law, but corroborating witnesses are used in court all the time.

The other hole in this argument, that no witnesses are testifying who have spoken directly to Trump about the matter, is that it’s Trump who is preventing them from testifying. Republicans really don’t want their bluff called and see Acting Chief-of-Staff Mick Mulvaney or former National Security Adviser John Bolton testify.

Jordan also complained that the whistleblower isn’t testifying. Perhaps if Jordan had taken that bar exam, he’d know the whistleblower is another corroborating witness who isn’t needed on top of all the other corroborating witnesses. Also, maybe he’d realize it’s illegal to expose, intimidate, threaten, or harm a whistleblower. On top of all that, it’s a dick move on his part. But dick moves are all Jim Jordan has.

By the way, Linda Tripp heard it from a friend.

Jordan’s complaint is that Democrats are refusing to let the “guy that started it all” testify, as Republicans want him to do. Democrat Peter Welch replied, “I say to my colleague, I’d be glad to have the person who started it all come in and testify. President Trump is welcome to take a seat right there.” Ouch.

Jordan and Republicans also argued that Donald Trump has done more for Ukraine than Obama. I’m not sure how Obama doing little for Ukraine is a defense for Trump abusing his office, but remember…I didn’t take a bar exam. They pointed out that more money has been directed to Ukraine from Trump than Obama since Russia invaded that nation. They failed to mention that Obama worked to oust Russia from the G-7 as one response, and Trump is trying to invite Putin back. Also, Trump wants to go to Moscow and watch a parade of Russian military weaponry that will probably continue parading all the way down to Crimea. Yeah, they didn’t mention any of that.

Jim Jordan also argued there is no crime here since Trump failed at it. If you’re ever caught robbing a bank, just tell them you failed because you couldn’t find the safe. They’ll let you go. If they don’t, call Jim Jordan.

They argue that Trump released the money he was withholding from Ukraine after he vetted them. The truth is, he released the money that was approved by Congress to help Ukraine defend itself from Russia after the whistleblower made his complaint.

The Republicans were outmatched. All they had were conspiracy theories. They have a defendant who has admitted he pressed a foreign country to help his political campaign. They have Trump on tape asking another foreign nation to investigate his political opponent. They have Rudy Giuliani’s confession he’s asked Ukraine to investigate Trump’s political opponents. They have Mick Mulvaney’s confession there was a quid pro quo and that we should get over it. Now they’re going to have another witness testify he overheard Trump asking the ambassador to the EU, Gordon Sondland, about Ukraine investigating the Bidens.

Republicans made Jordan a temporary member of the House Intelligence Committee because they believe his hard-charging style of being an asshole would be their best defense of Donald Trump from impeachment. Jordan’s job is to scream, yell, ask questions in a shotgun fashion, expose the whistleblower, deflect, confuse the public, and spread Trump’s debunked conspiracy theories. It’s his job to throw poo.

Jim Jordan was an assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State for eight years. He’s been accused of being aware of and not acting on sexual misconduct by a team doctor. Somehow, according to the allegations, the doctor whacked off over 180 times in the shower in front of student-athletes over eight years without Jordan ever hearing about it. But hey, if Dr. Shower Whacker needs someone to ignore the crime and scream at his accusers, Jordan’s his guy.

Maybe Republicans should have brought in a poo-flinging monkey instead of Jordan. At least in the monkey’s defense, he didn’t take the bar exam.

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Whose Liar Is It Anyway?


cjones03052019

Democrats spent the majority of Michael Cohen’s testimony asking questions about Donald Trump. Republicans spent all of their time asking Michael Cohen questions about Michael Cohen.

Republicans, ranking member Jim Jordan in particular, pointed out that the first witness called for the first hearing in the Democrat-controlled 116th Congress is a man convicted of lying to Congress. Since Jordan is a Republican, his opening remarks and point was…wait for it…A LIE! This is actually the third hearing in the 116th Congress and since those hearings had witnesses, Cohen is not the first.

Each Republican on the House Oversight Committee used their time to attack Cohen as a liar and convicted perjurer. Nobody defended that, including Cohen because he’s a liar and convicted perjurer. Michael Cohen is going to prison for his lies. The Republicans even went as far as propping up a poster of Cohen’s face with the text, “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.” Seriously. Unfortunately for the Republican members on the committee, they forgot three things.

The Republicans forgot to defend Donald Trump. They forgot the man they’re protecting is a known pathological liar. Mostly, they forgot what Cohen was lying about and for when he committed perjury before Congress in his first hearing. Men who are destroying their credibility for Donald Trump were attacking the credibility of a man who destroyed his for Donald Trump.

Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie said on ABC that he can “guarantee” Trump is “sitting in Vietnam right now, fuming that no one’s defending him.” He also argued the performance was “either a failure of those Republicans on the Hill or a failure of the White House to have a unified strategy with them.” One senior House Republican who requested anonymity told The Washington Post, “The reason there was no defense is because there is no defense.”

Cohen is Trump’s former fixer, and it seemed like each Republican on the committee was angling to be his replacement.

One attempt to defend Trump was when Mark Meadows brought one of Trump’s few black friends to stand behind him as a prop as he challenged Cohen’s allegation that Trump is a racist. He literally played the black friend defense. Then, Meadows got upset when it was pointed out he used a black person as a prop, which in itself is racist. His defense of not being a racist was…wait for it…he has black friends.

Freshman Ayanna Pressley asked Cohen a question that was probably more for Meadows. The Democrat asked, “Would you agree that someone could deny rental units to African Americans, lead the birther movement, refer to the diaspora as ‘shithole countries,’ refer to white supremacists as ‘fine people,’ have a black friend, and still be racist?” That answer was “yes.”

Cohen alleged that Trump knew about the hacking of the Democratic National Committee before WikiLeaks had released the documents. He also claimed Trump reimbursed him for hush payments to women while he was president, and said Trump called him at one point to ensure he kept lying about those payments. He also produced the checks showing Trump had reimbursed him, which were made out, signed, and dated after Trump became President Trump. He even implicated Don Jr. and Ivanka in the Moscow Trump Tower project.

Cohen described Trump as a conman, a liar, and a racist. Stuff we already knew. He claimed Trump had him threaten people over 500 times, which is almost as many times as the committee Republicans said “liar, liar, pants on fire.”

Cohen, the liar, even defended Trump from a few rumors, such as having a love child, striking his wife, ordering Roger Stone to engage with Wikileaks, and the Russians possessing a tape that could be used as blackmail against Trump (you know, the pee tape). But then again, Cohen is a known liar and Republicans say we shouldn’t believe him.

Republicans still don’t get it. If there is a danger, you need to address it. Not hide and protect it. If the president of the United States has broken the law, cheated to win the election, obstructed justice, or sold his nation out to an adversarial nation for his financial interest, it’s in every American’s best interest to know the answers.

When the Republicans controlled the committees, they refused to ask questions or even call some witnesses in their campaign to defend Trump. Then-Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes used his position and hearings to gather intel to update the White House. They worked to protect those who may have betrayed the nation. They attacked law enforcement while defending a suspected Russian spy. This week, Republican Matt Gaetz tweeted a threat to Cohen the night before his testimony, which is a crime and a very Michael Cohen kind of thing to do, back when he was Trump’s fixer. Jim Jordan complained that there was even a hearing today, and these are the guys who created five different House committee investigations into Benghazi.

Republicans claim Michael Cohen is lying in his attacks against Trump. What Republicans are truly upset about is that Cohen has stopped lying for Trump.

It’s one thing for your crazy Republican uncle to refuse to defend America. It’s another for those elected and whose job it is to defend our country. Republicans have proven time and time again they’re more interested in being Trump sycophants, stooges, and cultists than defenders of our nation.

Republicans need to stop being Republicans for a minute and start being Americans.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
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Sticky Fingers


cjones07162018

Yesterday, the Justice Department announced that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has indicted 12 Russians for meddling in the 2016 presidential election in an effort to support the candidacy of Donald Trump. The indictments bring the Russia investigation closer to Trump, and unfortunately for him, the only ones standing in the way to obstruct the investigation are the conspiracy-driven lunatics at Fox News and the Republican imbeciles in Congress.

The House Judiciary Committee dragged FBI agent Peter Strzok before them for a theatrical hearing to make the case that the FBI is part of the “deep state” gunning to take down Trump. Their argument is based on text messages he sent to his lover that were critical of Trump, while he was a part of two separate investigations of both presidential candidates.

Strzok argued that having a political opinion does not make someone biased. Biased is when you allow your opinion to get in the way of your work, which Strzok did not do. The evidence to that is, the FBI never leaked that they were investigating a possible Trump/Russia connection during the campaign, yet agents leaked information and there were multiple press conferences about the Clinton investigation.

There is a difference between being biased and informed. It is difficult to find a highly skilled, experienced, and intelligent professional who doesn’t have a negative opinion about Donald Trump. Don’t most investigators have a negative opinion of their subjects as they gain more information?

Democratic Congressman Ted Lieu said at one point during the showcase, “This is a stupid and ridiculous hearing.” Now, after yesterday’s indictments, we know why at least one Republican is desperate to stop Mueller’s investigation.

The indictments informed us that one Congressional candidate asked Gucifer 2.0, the Russian hackers, for stolen documents from Democrats, and received it. The report didn’t state if this candidate is presently in Congress or even what party they are a member of, but it’s kinda far-fetched to believe it’s not a Republican. If Mueller knows about this exchange, then he also knows who the suspect is.

Now, we get to play the game of guessing which Kool-Aid drinking, cultish, treasonous, Putin’s puppet of a Republican goon is going to prison. My candidates are Devin Nunes, Jim Jordan (who has other issues to answer for), Trey Gowdy, Steve King, Darrell Issa, Matt Gaetz, Louie Gohmert, and Bob Goodlatte. There are other contenders but this is my candy store. It’s really hard to pick just one sycophant.

If they all can’t go to prison, perhaps the voters can keep each of them from returning to Congress.

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