Jewish Space Lasers

Scaredy MAGAts


Cjones07062021

In the comments under yesterday’s cartoon on Instagram, I was called a “libtard.” I didn’t think it was that special though it’s been a while since someone has hurled that bigoted and ignorant insult in my direction. And I didn’t just get it once. I got it four times. It amused me so I tweeted about it…which lead to me being called the word about 17 more more times on Twitter.

First off, to the liberals who replied that I should throw it back at them with something like “Trumptard,” you’re missing the point. We don’t sink to their level and you don’t fight bigotry with bigotry. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be more direct: Don’t use the word, “tard.” Don’t justify it.

Normally, goons call me something like “snowflake.” They think that’s clever. It’s been over four years but that still gets chuckles from them. I love that they use that word, because it’s another example of conservative projection. You see, conservatives are cowards to the point they’re afraid of tiny little thing, like a gay player in the NFL, to the “WAP” song, to losing their white privilege, and to things that don’t even exist, like Jewish Space Lasers.

For example: Republicans have been screaming about communism and Sharia law for years, yet it hasn’t happened here. Another example of projection is their campaigning for their own version of Sharia law.

And if you don’t believe me that Republicans are huge cowards and are constantly snowflaking about shit, just turn on Tucker. He cries about everything and especially if it’s stuff that doesn’t exist. He is the center of the cowardly universe for Republicans who tune in nightly to see what they should be afraid of tomorrow.

This July 4th, fireworks may send your sweet doggy hiding underneath your bed out of fear and anxiety, but Bowser ain’t got nothing on Tucker. Tucker probably sleeps under his bed every night, and unlike in this cartoon, he probably takes the Trumpy Bear with him. And, if you have named your dog after Tucker, that is animal cruelty.

Right now, Republicans have so much to be afraid of that will never hurt them. Stuff like Critical Race Theory, Jewish Space Lasers, Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo ballots, Levar Burton hosting Jeopardy!, gay football players, Ilhan Omar, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, Hilary Clinton, Sandra Fluke (let’s bring her back), Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (women in general), Juneteenth, trans athletes (this is the hot one for the moment), taking down Confederate statues, Black Lives Matter, Antifa, woke generals, and me. Actually, I’m the only one you should be afraid of and I’m coming to getcha.

When I started this cartoon, I already had some of these topics in my head…but I needed to be reminded what else they’re afraid of, which forced me to look at some stuff I didn’t want to look at.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut negativity out of my life. That means no looking at Trumper pages on social media, no looking at conservative political cartoons, and no watching Fox News, which I never do anyway. But, to see the current fears, I had to go look at some. It was either that or call one of my MAGAt sisters. No thanks!

First thing I did was check out the Facebook page of one cartoonist, who is not my friend, but is afraid of everything and is always posting about it. He’s on the pulse of right-wing bullshit which can come in helpful for research. Right now his main fears are the vaccine, trans people, and President Biden whispering. He’s also afraid of having his white privilege taken away and it’s obvious he hates black people. He also has a weird Led Zeppelin fetish. It is weird for a 60-year-old man to post 18 shirtless-Robert Plant pictures a day, right?

Then I looked at some cartoons from a bunch of them and…HOLY SHIT!!!!! Did you hear about this trans thing? Apparently, they’re going to shower with us, win beauty pageants, and steal gold medals at the Olympics. This is a major crisis in conservative media. Also, they’re never watching the NFL again…again.

And then, I did what I really didn’t want to do. I went to Breitbart. Ugh. Breitbart used to, and maybe they still do, have an entire section devoted to “black on black crime.” It’s like the racist section but they couldn’t call it the “racist” section. Today’s headlines at the Breitbart include scary stories about trans people, black people, CNN, Critical Race Theory, Biden eating ice cream (that sonofabitch!), gays, more trans people, another Critical Race Theory story, covid this and covid that, immigrants, more trans people, more Critical Race Theory, more immigrants, more black people, more trans people, Critical Race Theory again, and Tucker Carlson is probably right about being spied on by the NSA…and more trans stories. Nothing about aliens, at least not on the front page.

Conservatives are really afraid of EVERYTHING. They need help for their anxiety but I can’t find anything on the web about how to soothe and calm a MAGAt suffering from loud noises. So, I decided to take the tips for dogs suffering from firework anxiety and apply it to dumbass racist Republican conspiracy theorists. Maybe one of these can keep your MAGAt from scurrying under your bed and piddling. MAGAt piddle is just the worst.

Tip 1: Ask your vet for a sedative. I’m sure any sedative designed for your fur baby will also work on your MAGAt baby. Just don’t be tempted to give them the entire bottle because it’ll sure be nice if you don’t see them for a few days. I understand the temptation. Also, don’t hit them in the head with a hammer, though again, I understand the temptation.

Tip 2: Hold them close and say, “shhhh. It’ll be alright. AOC isn’t coming to get you.” This may not work as nobody wants to hold a MAGAt close to their own body. Ew.

Tip 3: Give them a treat. Raw bacon, waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, a sandwich from Cheesecake Factory, or just a block of raw butter from Cracker Barrell may get them excited long enough not to notice CNN ran a special on the Tulsa Massacre.

Tip 4: Belly rubs. MAGAts love a good belly tickle. But once again, this would mean you have to touch them. Also, most MAGAts are sticky. You’ve been warned.

Tip 5: Tell them you’re trans. They’ll probably jump out the window and you’ll never see them again. That advice wasn’t on the doggy site because people love dogs and want to see them again. Have you ever heard of anyone adopting a lost MAGAt? No, you have not.

Tip 6: Buy your MAGAt a one-way bus trip to Jacksonville and let him be their problem. Jacksonville won’t notice. It’s not like they’ll say, “Hey, have you noticed Jacksonville has been a lot more Jacksonvilley?”

Tip 7: Turn off Fox News. You shouldn’t let your dog watch Fox News either as that’s animal cruelty.

Tip 8: The doggy site says to familiarize your pet to the sounds, but I think if you repeat “Ilhan Omar” too often, your MAGAt may leap into a ceiling fan. But then again, win-win except for the mess. MAGAts are sticky on the inside too…we think. It may just be a lot of coal.

Tip 9: Did I mention the one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville? I did? Never mind.

Tip 10: Distraction: Someone should produce and sell mobiles with Trump’s face on them. If you put that above a MAGAts bed, he may not notice anything else. See if you can work some Benadryl into the baby bottle.

Tip 11: Ball gag.

Tip 12: Get him a Thundershirt. Be warned, they don’t work on everybody. For instance, they don’t work on Beagles. But, Beagles are way smarter than MAGAts and are fooled less easily. You never heard a Beagle bitch about immigration…unless you immigrated a cat into the house. Speaking of cats, there are Thundershirts for cats. Putting a Thundershit on a MAGAt has gotta be a hell of a lot easier than putting a shirt on a cat. Also, thundershirts use velcro, so like a MAGAts shoes, they may be able to put them on by themselves. As I recall though, you had to slide arms in, fold one piece over another, then fold the piece that has the velcro…never mind. It’s way too complicated for a MAGAt and you’re gonna have to help him.

If none of these work, there’s the hammer idea and you can probably get that one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville for about $80.00. Hell, that’s twice the price of a Thundershirt.

Last tip: Stop with the fireworks. What are you, six? Get over it already.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Italian Satellites Vs. Jewish Space Lasers


I imagine space has to be really tight just outside our planet’s atmosphere. In addition to the International Space Station and the still-under-construction Chinese space station (with three astronauts currently on it), there are about 2,000 active satellites, 3,000 dead satellites, and over 34,000 pieces of space junk orbiting our planet. And if you think all that space junk is a catastrophe waiting to happen (there’s a one in 3,200 chance you may be hit in the head by a piece of falling space crap), wait until the ballot-changing Italian satellites duke it out with the Jewish space lasers.

You do remember the whole thing about Jewish space lasers. It was a conspiracy theory pushed by Marjorie Taylor Greene, the congressperson who’s also a member of the Qanon cult, in addition to being in the Trump cult.

Qanon believes there’s a deep state organization controlling our government that consists of Satanic cannibalistic pedophiles who, when not eating babies and drinking their blood, are peddling them in a child-sex ring out of Washington pizza parlors (still better than pineapple on pizza). They also believe Donald Trump is the one who’s going to defeat this Satanic cabal of baby-blood thirsty pedophiles (no word on if he’ll defeat the sadists placing pineapples on pizzas).

Additionally, the Qnuts think 9/11 was an inside job, it’s illegal for Muslims to hold elected office, school shootings are faked, leading Democrats should be execucted, and Zionist supremacists are secretly masterminding Muslim immigration to Europe in a scheme to outbreed white people. That last one is called the “Great Replacement Theory” and has been promoted by Tucker Carlson on his show that speaks “truth” to white supremacists.

Qanon also believes 9/11 was an inside job. Now, they’re also claiming the January 6 insurrection by racist Trump goons was also an inside job which is really confusing because one minute, it’s Antifa, then it’s something for Trump supporters to champion, then it’s the FBI, and then they go back to being proud of it and wanting January 6 to be the next federal holiday.

With the Jewish space lasers theory, Congressperson Greene says California wildfires don’t just happen. They’re created by the Rothchilds (who’ve been blamed for shit since the 1760s, including the Holocaust, presidential assassinations, pineapple on pizza, the existence of ketchup, dubstep, and ska) in conjunction with the Pacific Gas and Electric Company to make room for a new high-speed rail system.

This new high-speed rail system will allow gays from San Francisco, in a scheme crafted by Nancy Pelosi, Lebron James, Stacey Abrams, and Oprah (all Rothchild puppets), to infiltrate small-town America and indoctrinate your children into the gay Marxist agenda faster than they could with regular old Amtrak-speed trains.

And if you think the Space Lasers setting forests on fires so the gay trains can get to your kids, so they just mouth the words to the pledge of allegiance instead of actually saying them, because that’s what gay Marxist kids do, is crazy, wait until you hear the one about Italian Satellites. No, wait until you hear who was pushing the conspiracy theory about Italian Satellites.

Did I forget to mention another belief of Qanon and Marjorie Taylor Greene is that Donald Trump won the election? Yeah, just to be clear…he did not. But, they’re clinging to this bullshit and some other really wacky crazy stuff was spread, not just by the Qfucks, but by people working for Donald Trump.

Donald Trump’s legal team consisting of Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell pushed conspiracy theories that the deceased Hugo Chavez was behind Dominion Voting Systems, and that they were changing votes on ballots from Trump to Joe Biden (and in case you’re a Republican, who won the election and is now president of the United States). Naturally, there were assorted Jews involved too. You can’t have a good conspiracy theory without Jews.

During the 2018 midterms, Trump even pushed that George Soros was funding migrant caravans. He actually said he didn’t have any proof or evidence, but he was going to push it anyway. Tucker loved this because it was another night he got to promote the Great Replacement Theory.

But for a ballot to change from one candidate to another, you’re going to need some advanced technology, and there’s nobody better with advanced technology than…wait for it…the Italians.

Speaking of Italians: Have you seen Stanley Tucci’s new show on CNN? He’s going from place to place in Italy, eating Italian food, scarfing down pasta dish after pasta dish, eating rabbits, and even some fried ravioli, and he’s still skinny. This pisses me off because he’s gotta be in his 60s, right? How is he so skinny? At least I still have more hair than him. Sorry, I got off track….but that bald, 60-year-old, skinny-ass pasta-eating mother….grrrrr. Arugula!

Italygate, yeah…I know….holds that people connected to the Italian defense firm Leonardo used satellites to change the votes cast in the 2020 election from Trump to Biden. This explains why so many votes came in late in the evening on election night for Joe Biden, putting him over the top to win the presidency. Never mind the detail mail-in ballots are counted last and there were shit tons of mail-in ballots, which is why Republicans are now making it harder for people to vote by mail and not creating laws restricting Italian satellites.

It’s a crazy theory and I’ve yet to find details on why the Italians would want to meddle in the U.S. election. Oh my God…Was the Pope involved? You know, Pope Francis is a liberal Catholic…Joe Biden is a liberal Catholic…and the Vatican is in Rome which is in…wait for it…Italy. I even fact-checked this. Rome is in Italy.

Also, pizzagate. What if the Italians are also in on pizzagate and they want baby-body parts, bought from Planned Parenthood in a for-profit scheme, to remain a pizza topping? I ran another fact-check and discovered pizza was invented in…wait for it….this will come as a shocker…Toronto. No, wait. That’s not right. Toronto’s where they got the idea to put cheese curds and gravy on French fries. Why, Canada? Why? Pizza was invented in Italy and if done right, not in Chicago, is much better than poutine. Why, Canada? Did you know raw cheese curds are illegal in the United States? Has anyone blamed the Rothchilds or George Soros yet for cheese curds?

What’s even crazier is that legitimate news outlets fact-checked Italygate. No…what’s even crazier than that is this theory wasn’t just pushed by Qanon. It was pushed by the White House. The White House even emailed the Department of Justice asking them to investigate.

On January 1, five days before the Trump insurrection, White House chief of staff Mark Meadows forwarded acting attorney general Jeffrey A. Rosen a shit-ton of cheese curds. No, that’s not right. He forwarded a YouTube video of a former intelligence officer named Brad Johnson detailing what has been dubbed the “Italygate” conspiracy theory. The video was taken down by YouTube because they mistakenly thought it was one of my watch-me-draw videos. No, they took it down because it was a stupid-ass conspiracy theory.

But this conspiracy theory was so fucking nuts that even Trump goons at the Justice Department laughed it off. Rosen shared the email with acting deputy attorney general Richard Donoghue, who replied, in full, “Pure insanity.”

Mark Meadows sent more than one email on Italygate to the Justice Department. Shortly after those emails, he sent another asking them to task a conspiracy theorist to go to Georgia and examine signatures on ballots…and not investigate why Stanley Tucci can stay so skinny while eating all that Carbonara. Seriously. How does he do it?

Rosen, who was appointed by Trump to replace William Barr, sent this one to Donoghue and wrote, “Can you believe this? I am not going to respond to the message below.” Donoghue replied, “At least it’s better than the last one, but that doesn’t say much.”

What’s really scary is that we had people in government chasing conspiracy theories and wanting to use them to validate enacting martial law and bloody coup attempts while doing nothing about the cheese-curd threat.

The Trump administration and their followers are insane. Capisce?

Creative note: My proofer, Hilary, helped me out with this cartoon. I had written the entire thing before bouncing it off her for her input. Hilary is Jewish. She helped me with “garbanzo,” “schlep,” “kibosh,” “tuchus,” and “mishegas.” I had all those words but she helped me with how to use them. She’s also been to Italy and wait….she’s been to Italy and she’s skinny like Tucci. Goddammit.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have two copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Jewish Space Lasers


cjones02022021

The first thing we need to address is that this shit is dangerous. I mock people like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Donald Trump because I use humor to show they shouldn’t be taken seriously. Yet, they are taken seriously. Donald Trump became president (sic) of the United States of America. Marjorie Taylor Greene is sitting on the House Education Committee despite believing school shootings are “false flag” operations.

What needs to be addressed here isn’t that Greene is not just a nut who believes in conspiracy theories, but that her beliefs are dangerous. Her belief that Donald Trump won the election, and that Joe Biden stole it from him, gives support to terrorists.

Her belief that California wildfires were started by Jewish Space Lasers (I’m not making that up) is rooted in anti-Semitism. She’s a hater and a bigot. She feels the same way toward Muslims. For her, creating lies about other faiths and races is OK because it’s someone to blame…and she has backup. She is a white nationalist. She may as well be a Nazi.

This morning on CNN, Michael Smerconish was asking how good people could vote for someone like Marjorie Taylor Greene. But do they? It’s not like her racism and bigotry was concealed and what we’re going through now is a lot of “A-ha!” or “Got ya, suckers!”. Her voters knew who and what she was when they voted for her.

In 2016, over 60 million people voted for Trump. You can make an argument that they all were not racists though each and every single one of them should have known better. In 2020, he got 74 millions votes after spending four years talking about “shithole countries,” saying, “Send them back,” and defending and retweeting Nazis. How many good people vote for a guy who supports Nazis? You can’t even argue you voted for his economic polices because…well, look at the fucking economy.

How many good people support Marjorie Taylor Greene? It’s not just her stupidity or her bullying of children. She’s a racist. Who supports that? The Republican Party supports that. The Republican Party spent four years supporting the most vile and disgusting son of a bitch alive, and each day presented new opportunities to go even lower. Apparently, they’re not done.

While the GOP is talking about cancel culture, Representative Matt Gaetz is going to Wyoming to convince the constituents of his Republican colleague, Liz Cheney, not to vote for her again because she voted to impeach Donald Trump. Matt Gaetz isn’t going to Marjorie Taylor Greene’s district to tell her voters not to vote for her again. No, the party leadership has given her a prime committee assignment.

Marjorie Taylor Greene is not a good person. In addition to being stupid, she’s a racist who supports terrorists. The Republican Party should remove her, not just from all committee assignments, but from their party. The entire House should remove her from Congress for her endorsement of terrorism and the murder of other House members, Jewish space lasers, bullying children, and murder. She’s all that and a racist bag of chips.

Good people don’t vote for Marjorie Taylor Greene. Good people don’t vote Republican.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have an order of 20 copies of my book (11 are left to purchase) on the way, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. The books won’t arrive until after the new year, but orders are being taken and they’ll be shipped as soon as I receive them. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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