Hunter Biden

Tucker’s Lost Conspiracy


cjones11022020

You gotta be careful with where you put those conspiracies. They’re like car keys…or that one missing sock. Where’d it go? For me, it’s batteries. I’ll buy a pack of 20 batteries then when the remote dies, I can’t find the batteries. I go insane hunting for them until I finally give up and buy another package which also can’t be found six months later. I bet Hunter Biden’s taking them.

For the past few years, Rudy Giuliani has been on a Hunter Biden snipe hunt in Ukraine. And just like a real snipe hunt, Rudy hasn’t caught shit.

A snipe hunt is what you do to get the kids out of your hair while camping or hanging out with friends. You send the kids on a snipe hunt so you and the rest of the adults can get hammered or do whatever it is you don’t want the kids there to witness. The thing is, there is no such thing as a snipe. IF the kids are really stupid, they’ll be gone for hours. Don’t ask me how I know this. Come to think of it, I can’t think of a better way to get Rudy out of your hair than sending him an Eastern European snipe hunt. The only bad thing is, he comes back to go on Fox News to tell Hannity about the snipes he caught that we can’t see. Hannity gets excited about snipes. So does Tucker Carlson.

A few weeks ago, Rudy convinced The New York Post to run a story about Hunter Biden’s laptop which contained incriminating emails that implicated him in nefarious evil plots with his father, Joe Biden. The only problem was, there was no actual proof the laptop belonged to Hunter Biden.

No credible news outlets would take the story. Not even Fox News. The reporter who was forced to write the story for the Post refused to put his name on it. Later, a former associate of Hunter, Tony Bobulinski, turned up with “incriminating” documents proving Hunter is one bad dude and his father bwahahahahahahas with him.

Once again, no credible media outlets would touch the story. The documents were crap. The Wall Street Journal refused the story. But good ole Tucker Carlson came along and gave Bobabooey an interview on his crap show, which made a lot of conspiracy theorists say, “A-ha!” But of course, it was all a bunch of accusations without any proof. I mean, if allegations were proof, then Donald Trump is a rapist.

Then it got even weirder. On Wednesday night, Tucker claimed a shipment of “damning” documents being shipped to him had VANISHED!!! He wondered how such a nefarious thing could happen to a “trove of materials that are directly relevant to the presidential campaign that’s six days away.” Did the Satanic pedophiliac deep state intercept them in Wichita?

Then, on Thursday morning, Tucker said they had been found but there was still malfeasance. Somehow, the package had been opened and the flash drive containing all the evil Biden stuff had fallen out. Is UPS part of the deep state? Does Hillary drive a brown truck?

Of course, when you have such important documents incriminating a presidential candidate in evil plots, you make copies. Right? Right! And Tucker made copies. And……….he still hasn’t released the copies. While complaining about the documents disappearing, then reappearing while being shipped, he never once told us anything about what was in the documents.

For all we know, the documents are like that giant book given to Lesley Stahl by Kayleigh McEnany which she claimed contained Trump’s healthcare plan. The book was actually like 7,000 pages of Trump word salad. Unlike Tucker would do, Lesley opened the book.

Then, NBC reported that a 64-page dossier floating around on the dark web (4chan and Qanon) documenting a complex conspiracy involving Hunter Biden and China was actually authored by a fake persona. In case you’re a Republican…or you watch Tucker Carlson Tonight…or you are Tucker Carlson, “fake persona” means the person doesn’t exist. The documents are fake, bogus, bullshit. I’m so sorry.

The question is, was this 64-page fake dossier the documents Tucker was waiting on from UPS? If so, why didn’t he just download them off the internet? Why were they even shipped in the first place? This isn’t 1992. You can email files now. If the files are really large, you can share them through Google Drive. I know this from personal experience. I have a computer. It seems like the only reason you would actually ship documents is because you’re hoping to lose them or they get mangled in a sorting machine.

Not only do these Hunter stories not pass muster for real journalists, they don’t pass the stink test for bar gossip. Who, what, where, when, why? They don’t have any of that. And if you were pushing this stuff in a bar, the bartender should cut you off.

Tucker Carlson is not a journalist. He’s not even a good fearmonger. Now, Tucker says we should just forget about all of it and leave Hunter Biden alone. You know what that means, don’t you? It means Tucker actually looked at the documents, finally, and discovered they were so full of shit, they didn’t even meet his standards. Who’s researching this shit for Tucker? Does he have the same clerk as Brett Kavanaugh?

It’s too bad Tucker isn’t a journalist. If he was, he would have taken a look at the info before telling his viewers he had info. As it turned out, he had shit. Tucker promised and he didn’t deliver. He’s like Geraldo and Al Capone’s vault. He cracked the safe and found dirt and empty bottles.

When Geraldo opened Al Capone’s safe and struck out, he knew he failed. He went across the street and got “tequila drunk.” Geraldo knew he sold an empty promise and there was nothing journalistic about it. But it made for great ratings. Really. Thirty million people watched for two hours as Geraldo opened an empty box….kinda like those Republican California ballot boxes.

Tucker isn’t that aware. He’s just going to ignore this ever happened and jump on the next bullshit conspiracy theory…what is it now, illegal voters with mail-in ballots? Are they all brown? Is George Soros behind it?

Hey, maybe someone will mail him documents.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

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Rudy Colludy


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Rudy is still at it. Despite the arguments during Donald Trump’s impeachment hearings that everything was on the up-and-up with their asking Ukraine for election help, Rudy is still mining that nation for fools gold.

Now, Rudy has acquired a laptop he claims belongs to Hunter Biden. He took it to The New York Post with a shady story no other news outlet would accept. This story didn’t even land on Fox News first. Hell, even the National Enquirer didn’t go for it.

Basically, there’s an email in the laptop supposedly between Hunter Biden and an official from Burisma, the Ukrainian energy company Hunter worked for, that claims a meeting was held between him and then-Vice President Joe Biden in 2015. Yet, there is no evidence or public records of any such meeting. A vice-president’s schedule is usually on a public record. Yet, for some stupid reason, the FBI is still investigating it. Maybe because Donald Trump is screaming for his political opponent to be arrested, even though he can’t specify any crimes.

The reporter who wrote the story refused to have his name attached to it. Other journalists at the Post have protested their publication’s running of a story that doesn’t meet journalistic ethic requirements…and this is The New York Post.

The back story is: An owner of a computer repair shop in Delaware claims the laptop was dropped off by Hunter Biden, but his eyesight is poor so he’s not sure Hunter dropped it off. It could have been the Cookie Monster for all he knows. The computer was water damaged and for some reason, there’s no story about Hunter or anyone returning to retrieve the computer. Then, the owner saw the email and contacted Rudy Giuliani.

There’s a lot that smells here. The owner of the shop went through the private emails on the hard drive? The owner of the shop gave the hard drive or computer to be used politically? And, the owner doesn’t know who his customer is? If you live in Delaware, find out where this computer repair shop is and NEVER EVER EVER EVER give them your business.

Also, Hunter is a rich dude. Typically, if a laptop messes up or is seriously damaged, you’d just trash it, even way back in 2015. I’m a poor dude and I have three useless laptops in my closet. The only reason a guy like Hunter Biden would take a laptop in to be repaired would be because there’s something important on there he needs, and it wouldn’t be emails because you can just get those off whichever server you’re using. But, that can’t be the case because he never returned to pick it up. The story about dropping it off at a repair shop doesn’t make sense.

It doesn’t make sense The New York Post ran with it. The only story the press should run with this is that the guy we used to call “America’s mayor” and who is a former federal prosecutor, is now pushing bogus crazy uncle Qanon-type conspiracy theories. What has Rudy Colludy done now? Rudy’s even saying that America needs to know this Hunter Biden laptop story, even if it’s not true.

Hey, America needs to know that Rudy Giuliani married his second cousin, whether it’s true or not. Spoiler alert: It’s true.

Is this how Rudy used to prosecute cases? Your Honor, we don’t know who did it, who owns the laptop, if there was a meeting, and if there was, what it was about, and we don’t have any reliable witnesses…but we think there was somebody who did something bad and Joe Biden is connected to it somehow…I have a feeling about these sorts of things, also…I need a DNA test on some demon sperm.

It doesn’t make sense the FBI is investigating the story. Are they going to investigate chemtrails next? Maybe the FBI should look into the Qanon theory about cannibalistic pedophiliac Democrats worshipping Satan.

It doesn’t make sense Rudy hasn’t been arrested…or the computer shop owner. Rudy is running around with stolen property. Now, there are reports he’s taking it to a local police department in Delaware which also doesn’t make sense if the FBI is already on it. Also, why doesn’t that police department arrest Rudy as soon as he shows up with stolen property? And Rudy can’t say he’s holding onto it for evidence because Rudy is no authority. He’s a private citizen…who’s insane.

Rudy isn’t just on Trump’s leash. He’s on Putin’s. America’s mayor is now Putin’s poodle.

What else doesn’t make sense is that Jeffrey Toobin story… Yeah, that’s just weird. Who does that?

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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North Korean Thong Attack


cjones10082019

Carrie Cordero, a former Justice Department and intelligence official who’s served in Republican and Democratic administrations asked the question in a PBS interview that we all need to ask.

Cordero said, “The problem has to do with whether or not he is in violation of the Constitution and of the constitutional principles of whether or not he is fulfilling the oath of office, whether or not he is abusing his constitutional authorities to conduct foreign affairs by using that access to foreign leaders to basically work in his own personal interest.”

Her question is: Is the president (sic), when he’s conducting foreign affairs, acting in the United States’ interests, or is he using that position to work in the benefit of his own personal political ambitions?

Many Trump supporters say our president should root out corruption in nations that are receiving financial aid from the United States. That’s a fair point and it’s one previous administrations have done. In fact, it’s what the Obama administration was doing when Joe Biden pressed Ukraine to get rid of a prosecutor, who was NOT investigating his son. But, why is Joe Biden, who has not been accused of doing anything illegal the focus of Trump’s pursuit of rooting out corruption in foreign nations?

Some Trump supporters argue that Joe Biden was not a candidate when Trump was asking other nations to investigate him, so that means he wasn’t a political opponent at the time. But as reported yesterday, Trump brought up Biden’s presidential prospects to China’s president Xi Jinping last June. Biden announced his presidential campaign last April. In case you’re a Republican, April comes before June. Even before Biden announced his campaign, Trump was tweeting attacks at Biden and mentioning his potential campaign. Donald Trump viewed Biden as a political opponent.

Hunter Biden is accused of leveraging his name and father’s position as vice-president to make money off foreign nations, specifically Ukraine and China. But, that’s not illegal. Even if it was illegal, it probably wouldn’t stop Trump and his children from doing the exact same thing.

Since January 2017, Eric and Don Jr. have sold more than $100 million of the family’s real estate, according to Forbes. That includes a $3.2 million deal in the Dominican Republic, despite their daddy’s pledge not to do any new foreign deals while in office. Yes, he promised that. That also hasn’t stopped the Trumps from making $41 million last year from their Washington hotel, which foreign money is pouring into on a daily basis. It hasn’t stopped them from engaging in a $1.7 billion Trump project in Indonesia which received a $500 billion infusion from a state-owned Chinese construction company. It hasn’t stopped Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law, of getting a massive cash infusion from Qatar. That hasn’t stopped Ivanka from receiving trademarks for her brands in China. Yet, let’s investigate Hunter Biden.

When Eric and Don Jr. aren’t making money off the presidency in foreign countries, they like to spend their spare time attacking Hunter Biden for making money in foreign countries.

Back to the question, is Trump using the presidency to advance the nation’s interests when he talks to foreign leaders, or his own? According to new reports, Trump has asked Australia to help discredit the Mueller investigation. According to the Times of London, just two days after Boris Johnson became prime minister, Trump called him seeking help to discredit the Mueller investigation. That was just one day after his call to Ukraine where he asked that nation’s president to investigate Joe Biden. Last week, Attorney General William Barr flew to Italy to pressure that nation to help discredit the Mueller investigation. Yesterday, Trump publicly called for China to investigate Joe and Hunter Biden.

The impeachment inquiry began because of Trump asking a foreign nation to help his campaign. That’s exactly what Trump did publicly yesterday. Remember that “no collusion” line? It’s the same thing he did during the 2016 campaign when he asked Russia if they were listening, to help his campaign. Later that day, they proved they were listening and started hacking Democrats.

Trump withheld foreign aid from Ukraine that was approved by a majority in both houses of Congress until that nation’s president told Trump he’d help with investigating the Bidens. If all these dealings are for the nation’s interests and not his, then why is Trump sending his personal goon/attorney, Rudy Giuliani, to harass Ukraine instead of it being an initiative of the State Department? Why did he remove the ambassador of Ukraine, a staunch advocate of ridding corruption in Ukraine, after Giuliani complained about her?

Is Trump abusing his power by threatening the whistleblower and those who helped him? Is he abusing his power by insinuating they should receive the death penalty for exposing his corruption?

Russia helped Donald Trump win the presidency. Since then, he’s forgiven them for invading Ukraine and has argued they should be allowed to rejoin the G7. He’s taken Vladimir Putin’s word over his own intelligence agencies about Russia meddling in our elections. He’s pulled us out of a nuclear treaty with Russia. He’s destroyed notes of his meetings his Putin. On top of all that, he refuses to say one negative word about the Russian president. What will China receive for digging up dirt on the Bidens? Will it end the trade war?

Yesterday, it was revealed that text messages between top diplomats and a representative for Ukraine’s government were discussions that a high profile visit for Ukraine’s president to Washington was contingent on that nation investigating Burisma, the gas company whose board Hunter Biden served on, and an investigation to prop up the conspiracy that Ukraine, not Russia, meddled in the 2016 election to help Hillary Clinton.

The diplomats, Special Envoy Kurt Volker, William “Bill” Taylor, the charge d’affaires at the U.S. Embassy in Ukraine, and Gordon Sondland, the U.S. ambassador to the European Union, were the diplomats trying to get Ukraine to announce an investigation before they would receive a date on a visit to D.C. After aid to Ukraine was withheld, Taylor sent a message stating, “As I said on the phone, I think it’s crazy to withhold security assistance for help with a political campaign.” At that point, Sondland messaged, “I suggest we stop the back and forth by text.”

Taylor also wrote at one point, “Are we now saying that security assistance and WH meeting are conditioned on investigations?” From the messages, yes, it was.

This abuse of power, trading U.S. security for political favors with foreign leaders, threatening whistleblowers, and Trump’s daily corruption is OK with his cult. For them, they would be fine if Trump shot someone on 5th Avenue. But what about the rest of us?

We’ve become desensitized to Trump’s emolument violations, his sexual assaults, his vulgarity, his lies, his stupidity, his greed, and his narcissism. We kinda stopped demanding to see his taxes. But if enough time passes, will we become inoculated to this? Will we not care anymore? After Christmas, will we struggle to remember why there’s an impeachment inquiry? This is the very definition of corruption and Trump is flagrantly waving it around, daring the nation to remove him. This is a man who believes he’s above the law. These acts of corruption are enough to make Richard Nixon say, “Damn.” Seriously, we should have thrown the guy out when he suggested hosting the G7 at one of his crappy resorts.

Republicans will try to distract us at some point, but I’m not going to let it go. I hope you don’t either. Trump cultists may not deserve better but we do.

In response to Carrie Cordero’s question; Yes, Donald Trump is abusing his office and using his position for political (and financial) gain. My question is: Are we going to let him get away with it?

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