Hamberder

Bibbidi Bobbidy Hamberder

Either Donald Trump is a dumbass and doesn’t know how the president declassifies information, despite being president (sic), or he’s lying. Obviously, it’s both. He’s a lying dumbass.

There’s a talking point among MAGAts that Donald Trump had a standing order while he was president (sic) that any document brought from the Oval Office to the White House residence was immediately deemed declassified. Former Trump National Security Adviser John Bolton called that “complete fiction.” In fact, more than two dozen other Trump staffers have debunked this claim, with several offering responses that were not as generous as Bolton’s “complete fiction.” More than one called it “bullshit.”

Former Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson said “part and parcel of any act of declassification is communicating that act to all others who possess the same information.”

The president, even an orange stupid baby president (sic) who believes in invisible airplanes and Revolutionary Airports, can’t declassify information without telling anyone. How would other agencies and government officials in intelligence know which information is classified, secret, top secret, etc, etc, if they’re not told? There has to be some official documentation.

I think the belief he can declassify stuff simply by moving it from one room to another cancels out the impressive feat of memorizing and repeating “man, woman, person, camera, TV.”

This belief that classified becomes declassified, and in the open domain, simply because Trump transferred it from the Oval Office to his bedroom where he could go over Emmanuel Macron’s sex life (ooh-la-la and oui oui) while dripping hamberder ketchup on it is totally bonkers, but they’ve extended it to his residence at Mar-a-Lago.

And if the dirt on Macron is declassified, let’s see it. Netflix has been kinda boring of late.

Even if it did work this way, was the information declassified as soon as it was removed from the White House, while Trump was still president (sic), thus declassified by the time he landed in Florida on January 21, 2021, when he wasn’t president (sic) as Joe Biden was sworn in while Trump and the documents were in the air (that is if the documents were on the same plane as Trump. I haven’t heard yet when or how they were transferred to Florida).

And how did Trump pick these documents? Why did he choose these specific documents to “declassify” and take home? This is a guy who didn’t pay attention to his daily press briefings, where intelligence officials often hid the most serious stuff from Trump out of a lack of trust in the guy who had already given away top secret information to the Russians (they also stopped giving him the daily briefings after his January 6 coup attempt, but then-President-Elect Biden was still receiving his). So, how was Trump aware of what was in what file? I can’t believe this guy spent hours rifling through thousands of pages of binders. He had help.

One detail Trumpers keep omitting while spreading the declassification bullshit is that none of this stuff belonged to Trump. And lying deflections about what other presidents took home doesn’t change the fact that Donald Trump stole these documents. Even if President Obama stole 33 million classified documents and sent them to Chicago (he didn’t), it wouldn’t change the fact that Trump stole documents.

According to news reports, Trump was told the documents he took to Mar-a-Lago were not his to do with as he pleased. Several staffers, including former deputy White House counsel, Patrick Philbin, told Trump they were illegally retained and classified. According to The New York Times, Trump’s reply was, “It’s not theirs, it’s mine.” No reason has been provided yet as to why he believed it belonged to him. Did the guy take all the White House silverware, tiny shampoo bottles, toilet paper, and lightbulbs with him too (I did that cartoon two years ago)?

If there’s evidence that Donald Trump was informed the material didn’t belong to him, and he kept it anyway, that helps the Justice Department build a case against him. For once in his life, Donald Trump can’t claim ignorance.

The president has broad authority on declassification, but there are limits. In October 2020, Trump tweeted that he “fully authorized the total Declassification of any & all documents pertaining to the greatest political CRIME in American History, the Russia Hoax. Likewise, the Hillary Clinton Email Scandal. No redactions!”

After the tweet, news outlets demanded to see all of newly declassified documents on the Russia investigation. but Trump’s own Justice Department protested and Chief-of-Staff Mark Meadows signed a court declaration stating the tweets didn’t mean what they actually said, and a court agreed, “We are not ordering disclosure. The official process wasn’t followed.”

When Trump had White House Spokesgoon Sarah Huckabee Sanders announce that all documents relating to the FBI’s investigation of campaign goon and useful idiot to Russia, Carter Page, a court once again prevented the press from seeing the documents with a judge stating that “despite the power of the president over the restriction of public access to government secrets, mere White House declarations aren’t enough to make something declassified.” The judge pointed out that “DOJ did not receive at any time a declassification order related to the materials remaining at issue in this case.”

Basically, temper tantrums don’t declassify documents. Maybe ketchup tantrums do. I don’t know.

It happened a third time with a federal court once again keeping material Trump “declassified” classified saying, “Declassification cannot occur unless designated officials follow specified procedures.”

So let’s get this straight. According to federal judges, presidents can not automatically declassify information through stupid rage tweets and presidents can not declassify something by having spokesgoons announce it to the press. But according to idiots like Kash Patel, the president “can literally stand over a set of documents and say ‘These are now declassified.’” Sorry, Kash, you bug-eye goon you, the president LITERALLY can not. And he can’t do it by stealing documents.

But even if a president can issue a “standing order” to declassify documents he took from the Oval Office to the White House residence, there’s no evidence Trump ever did. At least 18 former administration officials knocked that down, with one calling it “bullshit.”

Former Chief-of-Staff John Kelly said, “Nothing approaching an order that foolish was ever given, and I can’t imagine anyone that worked at the White House after me that would have simply shrugged their shoulders and allowed that order to go forward without dying in the ditch trying to stop it.” Mick Mulvaney, who succeeded Kelly said he was “not aware of a general standing order” during his time in the position. It seems that at least one of these two the Chiefs-of-Staff would be aware of such a ridiculous order. Let’s ask Mark Meadows and see what the third says.

One anonymous former senior White House official pointed out that the “standing order” wouldn’t work. “Total nonsense,” said. “If that’s true, where is the order with his signature on it? If that were the case, there would have been tremendous pushback from the Intel Community and DoD, which would almost certainly have become known to Intel and Armed Services Committees on the Hill.”

Signed document of a “standing order” to declassify? Hell, Trump didn’t even tweet it. Like with the Big Lie that Trump won the election and there was massive election fraud, there is no evidence. Just like in that situation, the only fraud to be found has come from Trump.

So which is it? Is Donald Trump a complete dumbass or is he lying? I think it’s both because it would take a complete dumbass to try to spin such a stupid and ridiculous lie.

I’d have an easier time in believing in the hamberder wand. And dammit. Now I really want a hamberder…er, hamburger.

Creative note: I wrote this cartoon last Friday, pushed it aside, and this morning, it appealed to me again…so I went with it. I think it’s funny that readers send me ideas when I can’t get to all of my own.

Music note: I listened to Jefferson Starship/Airplane while drawing this. No, not Starship or any of that “We Built This City” shit.

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Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

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Happy Exploding Little Trees

cjones09182020

We do not have invisible airplanes. You can’t stop a hurricane by dropping a nuclear bomb on it. Energy efficient lightbulbs don’t make you appear orange. You can’t catch cancer from windmills. You can’t cure coronavirus by ingesting bleach or fish tank cleaner. Simply raking forests doesn’t prevent wildfires. And trees do not explode.

In 1998, I moved to Fredericksburg Virginia and I enrolled my eight-year-old son into Hugh Mercer Elementary. While driving him to school on his first day, he asked me why it was named “Hugh Mercer.” I told him Hugh Mercer was a great dude who lived in this town over two hundreds years ago. My son asked me what made him great? I said, “Because he did great things” My son asked, “What kind of great things?” Dammit, kid.

I told my son that Hugh Mercer did great things like stop a dinosaur alien invasion hundreds of years ago with a magic sword. He slayed half the dinosaur aliens and the other half flew away in their dinosaur alien space ships, crying all the way until they got to their home world, Dinosauranus. Everyone was so happy, they named an elementary school after him because that’s what you get when you stop a dinosaur alien invasion.

My eight-year-old looked at me the same way he does today at the age of 30. Like I’m an idiot.

That’s exactly how Trump sycophants should look at Donald Trump when he says stupid shit like, “With regard to the forest, when trees fall down after a short period of time, about 18 months, they become very dry, they become really like a match stick and they get up you know there’s no more water pouring through and they become very, very they just explode. They can explode.”

The difference between me selling my kid a load of horse shit and Donald Trump selling a load to his base is that I know I’m selling horse shit. Does Donald Trump know? My son is extremely smart and was even at eight. He also had an imagination and knew I had one too. But, shouldn’t adult Trump supporters be smarter than an eight-year-old?

Do you know how you know when you’re in a cult? When you accept lies as truth…even when you know they’re lies. You’ll also know you’re in a cult when you start defending those lies as truth. I’m sure some Trump cultists are already explaining that trees do indeed explode.

For the record, trees do not explode.

How crazy is it that in the fight to refute climate change, to call it a hoax and a political agenda, that you have to create crazy impossible shit that makes you sound like a dumbass? But then again, Trump is talking to a cult that believes there are deep state lizard people worshiping Satan while eating babies in the basement of a Washington pizza parlor.

If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound? If it explodes and there’s no one around, does that make a sound? If Donald Trump says a bunch of stupid shit and there’s no sycophants there to hear it, is Donald Trump still a dumbass? Yes. He’s still a dumbass.

And please, do not read this to a Trump supporter. I don’t want to have to explain to them there aren’t any dinosaur aliens invading us from the planet Dinosauranus.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

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Rikki Tikki Hamberder

cjones03022020

How did India get a visit from an American president that wasn’t just another stop on a multi-nation diplomatic journey? Pandering. That’s how you get recognition from an American president.

Saudi Arabia threw Trump a sword dance. China showed him the Forbidden City and told him he was the first president to ever visit. The president of Afghanistan proclaimed that Trump’s killing of al-Baghdadi was a bigger deal than Obama’s killing of Osama bin Laden. Israel named an occupied settlement after him (which means a lot of Klan babies are sharing a name with a Jewish settlement). Kim Jong Un sent him a “love letter.” And Vladimir Putin gave him the American presidency.

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi literally threw Donald Trump a Trump rally. Not just any Trump rally, but a Namaste Trump rally (which means “welcome”). It was also the first Trump rally where brown people outnumbered white people. It was held in the world’s largest cricket stadium and attended by over 100,000 people which is usually just the number Donald Trump makes up for his rallies (he’s already said this would be 6 to 7 million people). Unfortunately for Donald Trump, it was still a smaller crowd than Obama’s inauguration.

Trump also visited the Taj Mahal, which unlike his Atlantic City Taj Mahal casino, wasn’t financed by someone’s daddy and hasn’t been bankrupted by a man stupid enough to bankrupt casinos.

Trump actually has a high approval rating in India as does Modi. It figures as both men are Islamophobes and nationalists. Both men had high praise for each other with Trump calling Modi the “father of India.” Mahatma Gandhi who?

What’s most amazing to me is that Prime Minister Modi will shuffle 100,000 people into a packed stadium in the Indian heat to sing Trump’s praises, but he has no intention of serving the man a cheeseburger.

Cows are revered in India and the nation has the largest population of vegetarians in the world. Modi is a vegetarian and plans to serve Donald Trump nothing but vegetables. It’s been said by friends of Trump that they’ve never seen him eat a vegetable unless you count french fries from McDonald’s.

Donald Trump isn’t just a meat-eater. He’s a crap meat-eater. We’re not talking about a diet of baked chicken. We’re talking Big Macs, Quarter Pounders with cheese, meatloaf, burnt steaks with ketchup, hot dogs (it’s been said that every meal for Donald Trump is like an eight-year-old’s birthday party), and when he does eat chicken it’s KFC. If Trump’s going to eat McDonald’s during his trip, he better had smuggled it in as even the McDonald’s in that nation don’t serve cheeseburgers. That just makes me wonder, why do they even have McDonald’s? Is there an Arby’s in India (We don’t got the meats!)? Instead of burger burgers at Indian McDonald’s, they serve fried paneer cheese sandwiches and something called a “Pizza McPuff” which has crap like carrots, beans, and peas on it. That’s not a pizza goddammit. Let’s hope Modi doesn’t put a McPuff in front of Trump or there might be a McMeltdown followed by a McTantrum. Let’s hope there’s LOTS of ketchup.

I like Indian food. But I once went on a date in Richmond with a girl of Indian heritage and who took me to an Indian restaurant where she ordered something I really didn’t like (I usually go for curry). So later, I did what Donald Trump’s probably going to do as soon as he gets back from his trip. I stopped at McDonald’s on the way home and got a Big Mac. And it was the most delicious Big Mac I ever had.

But, I like a lot of food. In addition to unhealthy fast food, I like your typical Italian, Chinese, and Mexican (which most of it has been Americanized). But I also love stuff that scares a lot of Americans, like Thai, Vietnamese, sushi, and Indian food. But then again, I’m from Louisiana where we eat crawfish tails and suck their brains (but I still can’t eat a chicken McNugget). Where I would probably have a great time in India, Trump will probably be miserable.

But, I hope he opens his mind and gives everything placed before him a chance. The flavors of Indian food are delicious. It can also be spicy in addition to…well, let’s say…it can clear you out. As a friend of mine who is world-traveled described it, you get Delhi Belly. So, I really hope Donald Trump tries everything. The only side effect will probably be more tweets than usual. What else is he going to do while sitting there?

CNN did a fun story on Donald Trump’s visit to India that provided a lot of details on the food situation among other things. Fox News went after CNN on this for being petty. Oddly enough, the CNN story was more informative on Trump’s trip than the Fox News story criticizing it. As for being petty, Fox News is the same network that had a major freakout over Obama putting Dijon mustard on a burger. Fox News should hire someone to watch Fox News.

While Donald Trump may love his nationalistic, Islamophobic Indian friend Narendra Modi, he’s displayed his racism of Native Americans for the entire world to see. Also, since Trump considers African nations to be “shithole” countries, I wonder if he’s aware that only about 70% of Indian homes have access to toilets. India is a nation in serious need of literal shitholes.

India is a nation overwhelmed with feces. And now, they have Donald Trump. Did they notice?

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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An Autocratic Pickle

cjones02172020

Kellyanne Conway, White House Counselor (which is another absurdity of the Trump administration) attempted to downplay Donald Trump’s autocratic retribution against his enemies.

Trump removed Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman from his detail at the White House on the National Security Council and removed Gordon Sondland from his post as Ambassador to the European Union. Both men did the legal thing and complied with subpoenas and testified before Congress, revealing Trump’s corruption. Trump even removed Vindman’s twin brother from his post at the White House, even though he didn’t have anything to do the impeachment hearings.

During the Senate trial, which ruled Trump is innocent after refusing to hear witnesses or see evidence, House Manager Adam Schiff claimed there was a report the Trump administration warned GOP senators, “vote against the president and your head will be on a pike.” Schiff caught a lot of heat for that from Republicans. Now that Trump is putting heads on pikes, Republicans are defending the move. Hell, even Democratic Representative and presidential candidate Tulsi Gabbard is defending Trump’s bloodletting.

Conway argued that the Vindman brothers were removed from the White House without being fired. But she couldn’t explain why they were removed months before their details were to end. Then she claimed Gordon Sondland was a “reluctant” Trump supporter. Yeah. Who reluctantly gave Trump’s corrupt inauguration committee $1 million.

And while arguing these removals weren’t political payback, she said there will be more dismissals to come. It’s tough to argue none of this was political payback since they all came AFTER the Senate trial, Don Jr. has tweeted that it’s political payback and the White House even issued a statement that translates to “bwahahahahahaha.”

Republicans have been smearing Vindman for months. American Thinker, a conservative website popular with white nationalists that warns rainbow-colored Doritos is a “gateway snack to introduce children to the joys of homosexuality,” published a story claiming Vindman dissed American “exceptionalism” and rednecks. In bizarro Trump world, the patriot is the bone spurs-draft-dodger and the traitor is the Purple Heart-receiving military veteran who led units in Iraq and Afghanistan. And how dare he criticize our rednecks. I love these new talking points.

Liberals have been warning the country that Trump doesn’t just have autocratic tendencies, he has psychopathic ones too. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton writes in his new book that Trump is doing favors for autocratic leaders. Duh. Trump has issued heavy praise for Vladimir Putin, Recip Erdogan, Kim Jong Un, and Rodrigo Duterte. If Nicolas Maduro was smart, he’d start sending delegates to Washington to book rooms at Trump’s hotel. Basically, Donald Trump is to Vladimir Putin as Lindsey Graham is to Donald Trump.

The funny thing with warning Republicans about Trump: They pooh-pooh our concerns and blow them off and Donald Trump confirms them. The whole “heads on a pike” thing. Why he wouldn’t that. He’s doing that. Ask Mitt Romney. CPAC, a conservative group holding a convention later this month in Washington, disinvited Mitt Romney because they’re literally afraid someone will kill him if he shows up. That has not stopped Donald Trump from tweeting about Romney and trying to implicate him in his Burisma conspiracy theory. Romney was the party’s nominee. Today, he’s being labeled a “traitor” and “disloyal.”

Lindsey Graham defended the ouster of Vindman and said, “What have I learned in the last two years? CIA agents, Department of State — Department of Justice lawyers, FBI agents have a political agenda, and they acted on it.” That sounds like some crazy shit someone like Maduro would claim. Republicans claim Trump isn’t aiming to act like a dictator while supporting his banana republic actions.

Here’s the real shit: Donald Trump was just acquitted and he’s taking these actions. What happens after he wins reelection? Does he start taking care of his critics in the style of Kim Jong Un and feed them to dogs? At least Trump would get a dog (other than Lindsey).

After Saddam Hussein seized power (in case you’re a Republican, of Iraq) in 1979, he convened an assembly of his Ba’ath Party where he claimed there were traitors in their midst. An aide read the 68 names of people in the room they accused of being co-conspirators, labeled them “disloyal,” and dragged them out one by one. After this was completed, Saddam congratulated everyone left in the room for their present and “future” loyalty. All 68 of those who were “disloyal” were found guilty of treason with 22 of them executed. Eventually, Saddam killed hundreds of members of his own party. Many of those left in the room had never been supporters of Saddam Hussein, but they got the message. Before the meeting was over, they were standing and exclaiming their loyalty to Saddam and yelling for the death of those who opposed him. Anyone who opposed Saddam wasn’t just disloyal to him but to Iraq. You could say Saddam’s political foes were the “deep state.” Also, Saddam didn’t have to worry about an upcoming election.

The people who support Trump today, we know which side they would have taken if they were in Germany when Hitler took power, or in France when he invaded. We know where they would have stood in Saddam’s Iraq. In the future, lackeys, toadies, sycophants, and lickspittles will be compared to Trump supporters.

I tell that story about Iraq because it’s another warning for Republicans to blow off…and for Donald Trump to confirm.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From 

Watch me draw.