Hamberder

Happy Exploding Little Trees


cjones09182020

We do not have invisible airplanes. You can’t stop a hurricane by dropping a nuclear bomb on it. Energy efficient lightbulbs don’t make you appear orange. You can’t catch cancer from windmills. You can’t cure coronavirus by ingesting bleach or fish tank cleaner. Simply raking forests doesn’t prevent wildfires. And trees do not explode.

In 1998, I moved to Fredericksburg Virginia and I enrolled my eight-year-old son into Hugh Mercer Elementary. While driving him to school on his first day, he asked me why it was named “Hugh Mercer.” I told him Hugh Mercer was a great dude who lived in this town over two hundreds years ago. My son asked me what made him great? I said, “Because he did great things” My son asked, “What kind of great things?” Dammit, kid.

I told my son that Hugh Mercer did great things like stop a dinosaur alien invasion hundreds of years ago with a magic sword. He slayed half the dinosaur aliens and the other half flew away in their dinosaur alien space ships, crying all the way until they got to their home world, Dinosauranus. Everyone was so happy, they named an elementary school after him because that’s what you get when you stop a dinosaur alien invasion.

My eight-year-old looked at me the same way he does today at the age of 30. Like I’m an idiot.

That’s exactly how Trump sycophants should look at Donald Trump when he says stupid shit like, “With regard to the forest, when trees fall down after a short period of time, about 18 months, they become very dry, they become really like a match stick and they get up you know there’s no more water pouring through and they become very, very they just explode. They can explode.”

The difference between me selling my kid a load of horse shit and Donald Trump selling a load to his base is that I know I’m selling horse shit. Does Donald Trump know? My son is extremely smart and was even at eight. He also had an imagination and knew I had one too. But, shouldn’t adult Trump supporters be smarter than an eight-year-old?

Do you know how you know when you’re in a cult? When you accept lies as truth…even when you know they’re lies. You’ll also know you’re in a cult when you start defending those lies as truth. I’m sure some Trump cultists are already explaining that trees do indeed explode.

For the record, trees do not explode.

How crazy is it that in the fight to refute climate change, to call it a hoax and a political agenda, that you have to create crazy impossible shit that makes you sound like a dumbass? But then again, Trump is talking to a cult that believes there are deep state lizard people worshiping Satan while eating babies in the basement of a Washington pizza parlor.

If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound? If it explodes and there’s no one around, does that make a sound? If Donald Trump says a bunch of stupid shit and there’s no sycophants there to hear it, is Donald Trump still a dumbass? Yes. He’s still a dumbass.

And please, do not read this to a Trump supporter. I don’t want to have to explain to them there aren’t any dinosaur aliens invading us from the planet Dinosauranus.

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Rikki Tikki Hamberder


cjones03022020

How did India get a visit from an American president that wasn’t just another stop on a multi-nation diplomatic journey? Pandering. That’s how you get recognition from an American president.

Saudi Arabia threw Trump a sword dance. China showed him the Forbidden City and told him he was the first president to ever visit. The president of Afghanistan proclaimed that Trump’s killing of al-Baghdadi was a bigger deal than Obama’s killing of Osama bin Laden. Israel named an occupied settlement after him (which means a lot of Klan babies are sharing a name with a Jewish settlement). Kim Jong Un sent him a “love letter.” And Vladimir Putin gave him the American presidency.

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi literally threw Donald Trump a Trump rally. Not just any Trump rally, but a Namaste Trump rally (which means “welcome”). It was also the first Trump rally where brown people outnumbered white people. It was held in the world’s largest cricket stadium and attended by over 100,000 people which is usually just the number Donald Trump makes up for his rallies (he’s already said this would be 6 to 7 million people). Unfortunately for Donald Trump, it was still a smaller crowd than Obama’s inauguration.

Trump also visited the Taj Mahal, which unlike his Atlantic City Taj Mahal casino, wasn’t financed by someone’s daddy and hasn’t been bankrupted by a man stupid enough to bankrupt casinos.

Trump actually has a high approval rating in India as does Modi. It figures as both men are Islamophobes and nationalists. Both men had high praise for each other with Trump calling Modi the “father of India.” Mahatma Gandhi who?

What’s most amazing to me is that Prime Minister Modi will shuffle 100,000 people into a packed stadium in the Indian heat to sing Trump’s praises, but he has no intention of serving the man a cheeseburger.

Cows are revered in India and the nation has the largest population of vegetarians in the world. Modi is a vegetarian and plans to serve Donald Trump nothing but vegetables. It’s been said by friends of Trump that they’ve never seen him eat a vegetable unless you count french fries from McDonald’s.

Donald Trump isn’t just a meat-eater. He’s a crap meat-eater. We’re not talking about a diet of baked chicken. We’re talking Big Macs, Quarter Pounders with cheese, meatloaf, burnt steaks with ketchup, hot dogs (it’s been said that every meal for Donald Trump is like an eight-year-old’s birthday party), and when he does eat chicken it’s KFC. If Trump’s going to eat McDonald’s during his trip, he better had smuggled it in as even the McDonald’s in that nation don’t serve cheeseburgers. That just makes me wonder, why do they even have McDonald’s? Is there an Arby’s in India (We don’t got the meats!)? Instead of burger burgers at Indian McDonald’s, they serve fried paneer cheese sandwiches and something called a “Pizza McPuff” which has crap like carrots, beans, and peas on it. That’s not a pizza goddammit. Let’s hope Modi doesn’t put a McPuff in front of Trump or there might be a McMeltdown followed by a McTantrum. Let’s hope there’s LOTS of ketchup.

I like Indian food. But I once went on a date in Richmond with a girl of Indian heritage and who took me to an Indian restaurant where she ordered something I really didn’t like (I usually go for curry). So later, I did what Donald Trump’s probably going to do as soon as he gets back from his trip. I stopped at McDonald’s on the way home and got a Big Mac. And it was the most delicious Big Mac I ever had.

But, I like a lot of food. In addition to unhealthy fast food, I like your typical Italian, Chinese, and Mexican (which most of it has been Americanized). But I also love stuff that scares a lot of Americans, like Thai, Vietnamese, sushi, and Indian food. But then again, I’m from Louisiana where we eat crawfish tails and suck their brains (but I still can’t eat a chicken McNugget). Where I would probably have a great time in India, Trump will probably be miserable.

But, I hope he opens his mind and gives everything placed before him a chance. The flavors of Indian food are delicious. It can also be spicy in addition to…well, let’s say…it can clear you out. As a friend of mine who is world-traveled described it, you get Delhi Belly. So, I really hope Donald Trump tries everything. The only side effect will probably be more tweets than usual. What else is he going to do while sitting there?

CNN did a fun story on Donald Trump’s visit to India that provided a lot of details on the food situation among other things. Fox News went after CNN on this for being petty. Oddly enough, the CNN story was more informative on Trump’s trip than the Fox News story criticizing it. As for being petty, Fox News is the same network that had a major freakout over Obama putting Dijon mustard on a burger. Fox News should hire someone to watch Fox News.

While Donald Trump may love his nationalistic, Islamophobic Indian friend Narendra Modi, he’s displayed his racism of Native Americans for the entire world to see. Also, since Trump considers African nations to be “shithole” countries, I wonder if he’s aware that only about 70% of Indian homes have access to toilets. India is a nation in serious need of literal shitholes.

India is a nation overwhelmed with feces. And now, they have Donald Trump. Did they notice?

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You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

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An Autocratic Pickle


cjones02172020

Kellyanne Conway, White House Counselor (which is another absurdity of the Trump administration) attempted to downplay Donald Trump’s autocratic retribution against his enemies.

Trump removed Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman from his detail at the White House on the National Security Council and removed Gordon Sondland from his post as Ambassador to the European Union. Both men did the legal thing and complied with subpoenas and testified before Congress, revealing Trump’s corruption. Trump even removed Vindman’s twin brother from his post at the White House, even though he didn’t have anything to do the impeachment hearings.

During the Senate trial, which ruled Trump is innocent after refusing to hear witnesses or see evidence, House Manager Adam Schiff claimed there was a report the Trump administration warned GOP senators, “vote against the president and your head will be on a pike.” Schiff caught a lot of heat for that from Republicans. Now that Trump is putting heads on pikes, Republicans are defending the move. Hell, even Democratic Representative and presidential candidate Tulsi Gabbard is defending Trump’s bloodletting.

Conway argued that the Vindman brothers were removed from the White House without being fired. But she couldn’t explain why they were removed months before their details were to end. Then she claimed Gordon Sondland was a “reluctant” Trump supporter. Yeah. Who reluctantly gave Trump’s corrupt inauguration committee $1 million.

And while arguing these removals weren’t political payback, she said there will be more dismissals to come. It’s tough to argue none of this was political payback since they all came AFTER the Senate trial, Don Jr. has tweeted that it’s political payback and the White House even issued a statement that translates to “bwahahahahahaha.”

Republicans have been smearing Vindman for months. American Thinker, a conservative website popular with white nationalists that warns rainbow-colored Doritos is a “gateway snack to introduce children to the joys of homosexuality,” published a story claiming Vindman dissed American “exceptionalism” and rednecks. In bizarro Trump world, the patriot is the bone spurs-draft-dodger and the traitor is the Purple Heart-receiving military veteran who led units in Iraq and Afghanistan. And how dare he criticize our rednecks. I love these new talking points.

Liberals have been warning the country that Trump doesn’t just have autocratic tendencies, he has psychopathic ones too. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton writes in his new book that Trump is doing favors for autocratic leaders. Duh. Trump has issued heavy praise for Vladimir Putin, Recip Erdogan, Kim Jong Un, and Rodrigo Duterte. If Nicolas Maduro was smart, he’d start sending delegates to Washington to book rooms at Trump’s hotel. Basically, Donald Trump is to Vladimir Putin as Lindsey Graham is to Donald Trump.

The funny thing with warning Republicans about Trump: They pooh-pooh our concerns and blow them off and Donald Trump confirms them. The whole “heads on a pike” thing. Why he wouldn’t that. He’s doing that. Ask Mitt Romney. CPAC, a conservative group holding a convention later this month in Washington, disinvited Mitt Romney because they’re literally afraid someone will kill him if he shows up. That has not stopped Donald Trump from tweeting about Romney and trying to implicate him in his Burisma conspiracy theory. Romney was the party’s nominee. Today, he’s being labeled a “traitor” and “disloyal.”

Lindsey Graham defended the ouster of Vindman and said, “What have I learned in the last two years? CIA agents, Department of State — Department of Justice lawyers, FBI agents have a political agenda, and they acted on it.” That sounds like some crazy shit someone like Maduro would claim. Republicans claim Trump isn’t aiming to act like a dictator while supporting his banana republic actions.

Here’s the real shit: Donald Trump was just acquitted and he’s taking these actions. What happens after he wins reelection? Does he start taking care of his critics in the style of Kim Jong Un and feed them to dogs? At least Trump would get a dog (other than Lindsey).

After Saddam Hussein seized power (in case you’re a Republican, of Iraq) in 1979, he convened an assembly of his Ba’ath Party where he claimed there were traitors in their midst. An aide read the 68 names of people in the room they accused of being co-conspirators, labeled them “disloyal,” and dragged them out one by one. After this was completed, Saddam congratulated everyone left in the room for their present and “future” loyalty. All 68 of those who were “disloyal” were found guilty of treason with 22 of them executed. Eventually, Saddam killed hundreds of members of his own party. Many of those left in the room had never been supporters of Saddam Hussein, but they got the message. Before the meeting was over, they were standing and exclaiming their loyalty to Saddam and yelling for the death of those who opposed him. Anyone who opposed Saddam wasn’t just disloyal to him but to Iraq. You could say Saddam’s political foes were the “deep state.” Also, Saddam didn’t have to worry about an upcoming election.

The people who support Trump today, we know which side they would have taken if they were in Germany when Hitler took power, or in France when he invaded. We know where they would have stood in Saddam’s Iraq. In the future, lackeys, toadies, sycophants, and lickspittles will be compared to Trump supporters.

I tell that story about Iraq because it’s another warning for Republicans to blow off…and for Donald Trump to confirm.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From 

Watch me draw.