Gay

Scaredy MAGAts


Cjones07062021

In the comments under yesterday’s cartoon on Instagram, I was called a “libtard.” I didn’t think it was that special though it’s been a while since someone has hurled that bigoted and ignorant insult in my direction. And I didn’t just get it once. I got it four times. It amused me so I tweeted about it…which lead to me being called the word about 17 more more times on Twitter.

First off, to the liberals who replied that I should throw it back at them with something like “Trumptard,” you’re missing the point. We don’t sink to their level and you don’t fight bigotry with bigotry. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be more direct: Don’t use the word, “tard.” Don’t justify it.

Normally, goons call me something like “snowflake.” They think that’s clever. It’s been over four years but that still gets chuckles from them. I love that they use that word, because it’s another example of conservative projection. You see, conservatives are cowards to the point they’re afraid of tiny little thing, like a gay player in the NFL, to the “WAP” song, to losing their white privilege, and to things that don’t even exist, like Jewish Space Lasers.

For example: Republicans have been screaming about communism and Sharia law for years, yet it hasn’t happened here. Another example of projection is their campaigning for their own version of Sharia law.

And if you don’t believe me that Republicans are huge cowards and are constantly snowflaking about shit, just turn on Tucker. He cries about everything and especially if it’s stuff that doesn’t exist. He is the center of the cowardly universe for Republicans who tune in nightly to see what they should be afraid of tomorrow.

This July 4th, fireworks may send your sweet doggy hiding underneath your bed out of fear and anxiety, but Bowser ain’t got nothing on Tucker. Tucker probably sleeps under his bed every night, and unlike in this cartoon, he probably takes the Trumpy Bear with him. And, if you have named your dog after Tucker, that is animal cruelty.

Right now, Republicans have so much to be afraid of that will never hurt them. Stuff like Critical Race Theory, Jewish Space Lasers, Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo ballots, Levar Burton hosting Jeopardy!, gay football players, Ilhan Omar, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, Hilary Clinton, Sandra Fluke (let’s bring her back), Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (women in general), Juneteenth, trans athletes (this is the hot one for the moment), taking down Confederate statues, Black Lives Matter, Antifa, woke generals, and me. Actually, I’m the only one you should be afraid of and I’m coming to getcha.

When I started this cartoon, I already had some of these topics in my head…but I needed to be reminded what else they’re afraid of, which forced me to look at some stuff I didn’t want to look at.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut negativity out of my life. That means no looking at Trumper pages on social media, no looking at conservative political cartoons, and no watching Fox News, which I never do anyway. But, to see the current fears, I had to go look at some. It was either that or call one of my MAGAt sisters. No thanks!

First thing I did was check out the Facebook page of one cartoonist, who is not my friend, but is afraid of everything and is always posting about it. He’s on the pulse of right-wing bullshit which can come in helpful for research. Right now his main fears are the vaccine, trans people, and President Biden whispering. He’s also afraid of having his white privilege taken away and it’s obvious he hates black people. He also has a weird Led Zeppelin fetish. It is weird for a 60-year-old man to post 18 shirtless-Robert Plant pictures a day, right?

Then I looked at some cartoons from a bunch of them and…HOLY SHIT!!!!! Did you hear about this trans thing? Apparently, they’re going to shower with us, win beauty pageants, and steal gold medals at the Olympics. This is a major crisis in conservative media. Also, they’re never watching the NFL again…again.

And then, I did what I really didn’t want to do. I went to Breitbart. Ugh. Breitbart used to, and maybe they still do, have an entire section devoted to “black on black crime.” It’s like the racist section but they couldn’t call it the “racist” section. Today’s headlines at the Breitbart include scary stories about trans people, black people, CNN, Critical Race Theory, Biden eating ice cream (that sonofabitch!), gays, more trans people, another Critical Race Theory story, covid this and covid that, immigrants, more trans people, more Critical Race Theory, more immigrants, more black people, more trans people, Critical Race Theory again, and Tucker Carlson is probably right about being spied on by the NSA…and more trans stories. Nothing about aliens, at least not on the front page.

Conservatives are really afraid of EVERYTHING. They need help for their anxiety but I can’t find anything on the web about how to soothe and calm a MAGAt suffering from loud noises. So, I decided to take the tips for dogs suffering from firework anxiety and apply it to dumbass racist Republican conspiracy theorists. Maybe one of these can keep your MAGAt from scurrying under your bed and piddling. MAGAt piddle is just the worst.

Tip 1: Ask your vet for a sedative. I’m sure any sedative designed for your fur baby will also work on your MAGAt baby. Just don’t be tempted to give them the entire bottle because it’ll sure be nice if you don’t see them for a few days. I understand the temptation. Also, don’t hit them in the head with a hammer, though again, I understand the temptation.

Tip 2: Hold them close and say, “shhhh. It’ll be alright. AOC isn’t coming to get you.” This may not work as nobody wants to hold a MAGAt close to their own body. Ew.

Tip 3: Give them a treat. Raw bacon, waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, a sandwich from Cheesecake Factory, or just a block of raw butter from Cracker Barrell may get them excited long enough not to notice CNN ran a special on the Tulsa Massacre.

Tip 4: Belly rubs. MAGAts love a good belly tickle. But once again, this would mean you have to touch them. Also, most MAGAts are sticky. You’ve been warned.

Tip 5: Tell them you’re trans. They’ll probably jump out the window and you’ll never see them again. That advice wasn’t on the doggy site because people love dogs and want to see them again. Have you ever heard of anyone adopting a lost MAGAt? No, you have not.

Tip 6: Buy your MAGAt a one-way bus trip to Jacksonville and let him be their problem. Jacksonville won’t notice. It’s not like they’ll say, “Hey, have you noticed Jacksonville has been a lot more Jacksonvilley?”

Tip 7: Turn off Fox News. You shouldn’t let your dog watch Fox News either as that’s animal cruelty.

Tip 8: The doggy site says to familiarize your pet to the sounds, but I think if you repeat “Ilhan Omar” too often, your MAGAt may leap into a ceiling fan. But then again, win-win except for the mess. MAGAts are sticky on the inside too…we think. It may just be a lot of coal.

Tip 9: Did I mention the one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville? I did? Never mind.

Tip 10: Distraction: Someone should produce and sell mobiles with Trump’s face on them. If you put that above a MAGAts bed, he may not notice anything else. See if you can work some Benadryl into the baby bottle.

Tip 11: Ball gag.

Tip 12: Get him a Thundershirt. Be warned, they don’t work on everybody. For instance, they don’t work on Beagles. But, Beagles are way smarter than MAGAts and are fooled less easily. You never heard a Beagle bitch about immigration…unless you immigrated a cat into the house. Speaking of cats, there are Thundershirts for cats. Putting a Thundershit on a MAGAt has gotta be a hell of a lot easier than putting a shirt on a cat. Also, thundershirts use velcro, so like a MAGAts shoes, they may be able to put them on by themselves. As I recall though, you had to slide arms in, fold one piece over another, then fold the piece that has the velcro…never mind. It’s way too complicated for a MAGAt and you’re gonna have to help him.

If none of these work, there’s the hammer idea and you can probably get that one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville for about $80.00. Hell, that’s twice the price of a Thundershirt.

Last tip: Stop with the fireworks. What are you, six? Get over it already.

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Supreme Gaydar


cjones06182020

Right now, someone at Hobby Lobby is crying their homophobic balls off.

The Supreme Court decided by a 6-3 margin, that the 1964 Civil Rights Act also protects gay and transgender workers from workplace discrimination. Let me put this so the fucknuts can comprehend it: Your boss can’t fire you for being gay…so you can come out now. He can’t even fire you if you work in a bakery refusing to bake gay wedding cakes. How a cake can be gay, I don’t know but still…they can’t fire you.

The real shocker with this ruling is that two of the court’s more conservative justices voted in the majority. John Roberts, who is the Chief Justice and has sided with the liberals in the past, and the occupier of Merrick Garland’s seat, Neil Gorsuch. In fact, Gorsuch wrote the majority opinion.

Gorsuch breaks it down for you also, writing, “An employer who fires an individual merely for being gay or transgender defies the law.” Before this ruling, even with gay marriage legal, it was still legal in half the states in the nation to fire someone simply for being gay, bisexual, or transgender. Now, all those right-to-work states are going to have to go back to firing people without giving a reason. That’s still legal. They can fire you for being gay as long as they don’t tell you why you’re being fired.

Donald Trump, the president (sic) who nominated Gorsuch for that stolen SCOTUS seat, said, “I’ve read the decision and some people were surprised, but they’ve ruled and we live with their decision. He added it was a “very powerful decision, actually.” The truth is, he’s not happy. His administration has been busting gay rights since he came into office.

Donald Trump has urged the court to rule against gay workers. He’s barred most transgenders from serving in the military. Just last week, the Department of Health and Human Services issued a regulation that removed protections for transgender patients against discrimination by doctors, hospitals, and health insurance companies. Even though Donald Trump said Caitlyn Jenner could use the bathroom at Trump Tower (watch out, Caitlyn. There’s a bunch of goons at the doorway), he’s not really progressive with LGBTQ issues.

Justice Samuel Alito wrote the dissenting opinion saying, “The common understanding of sex discrimination in 1964 was bias against women or men and did not encompass discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. If Congress wanted to protect gay and transgender workers, he wrote, it could pass a new law.”

Let me break down Alito’s argument: Because homophobia was more acceptable in 1964 when the anti-discrimination act was written and the creators of that law had no intention of protecting LGBTQ people, that law should not protect LGBTQ people.

Seriously…this guy is on the Supreme Court? That was basically reasoning you could find in the parking lot of a Trump rally but presented with much more eloquent words than, “fuck the gays.”

Thank you, Justice Neil Gorsuch. You did the right thing. Now, if you want to continue to do the right thing, before every vote you should ask yourself, “What would Merrick Garland do?” Then do that.

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The Boss Boycotts


cjones04102016

This cartoon might only work if you know the Bruce Springsteen song My Hometown. I think it’s fairly well known. Well, your kids won’t know it. It’s the final track on the Born In The USA album. If you don’t know it, or haven’t heard it in a long time, check it out. It’s a great song.

Springsteen has canceled a concert in Greensboro, North Carolina in protest of that state’s recent hate law. This is the law that specifies people must use public restrooms and locker rooms that’s in line with the gender specified on their birth certificate, as if everyone walks around with a birth certificate. The law also protects businesses from lawsuits that result from their discriminating against homosexuals, transgenders and such. It also prevents localities from passing laws protecting the same people.

North Carolina has a huge problem with freaks and they’re all Republicans.

So Springsteen is protesting and a state representative, a Republican, is calling the Boss a bully for doing so. OK. You want to pick on gay and transgenders and the person who protests is the bully? Talk about dancing in the dark (did you see what I did there?).

In other Southern hater news, Paypal has decided not to build a center in North Carolina where they would have employed 400 people. A group that wants to protests Paypal has set up a website and they’re taking donations to fight Paypal. The donations are given through….hold your breath….Paypal. Epic, epic, epic fail.

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