Football

Sayonara, Snyder

the worst team owner in the NFL is finally selling. Dan Snyder has agreed in principle to sell the Washington Redskins, er…Washington Football Team, I mean, the Washington Commanders to Josh Harris for $6.05 billion. Did you hear Dr. Evil’s voice in your head when you read $6.05 billion?

Snyder bought the team for $800 million in 1999 and immediately fired 25 employees. The next season, he signed retiring stars Deion Sanders, Jeff George, Bruce Smith, Mark Carrier, and Andre Reed to huge contracts, and most were gone midway through their second season with the team.

He continued with the stupid business decisions and was the first owner to charge for fans to attend practices. Scouts from other teams came to those practices and said after the season that they knew what was coming from Snyder’s team. Snyder once sold rancid peanuts to fans. On the fifth anniversary of 9/11, Snyder sold commemorative caps. He sued season ticket holders. He once banned fans from bringing signs to games. Snyder once hired an offensive play caller whose previous job was calling bingo games. He traded three first-round picks and a second-round pick to draft Robert Griffin III.

Snyder was known for being a jerk. Early in his tenure as owner, he left a gallon of Baskin-Robbins on the desk of a defensive coordinator with a note saying, “This is what I like, not vanilla.”

He went through a lot of coaches. After firing Norv Turner, he hired receivers coach Terry Robiskie who only lasted one season. He fired 8-8 Robiskie to hire Marty Schottenheimer, who was an ESPN analyst at the time (and had once said he could never work for an owner like Snyder), but was still under contract to the Kansas City Chiefs. To Get Schottenheimer, Snyder gave Kansas City two third-round picks. After going 8-8 and winning eight of its final eleven games, Snyder fires Schottenheimer for University of Florida coach Steve Spurrier. Snyder was always dazzled by the big names and gave Spurrier a five-year $25 million contract.

Spurrier spent more time on golf courses than with the team and even his announcement after two seasons came while he was on a golf course. Next, Snyder hired legendary Washington coach, Joe Gibbs, who had taken the team to three Super Bowls in his first stint as coach. Gibbs lasted four seasons before returning to Nascar. He took the team to the playoffs twice in his second stint, winning one game in 2006 which was the last playoff win in the Snyder era. They replaced Gibbs with Jim Zorn, who they chose over Pete Carroll, who went on to take the Seattle Seahawks to two Super Bowls, winning one. Carroll had already won two national championships, back to back. Zorn was hired as offensive coordinator before a head coach was hired, then promoted to head coach within two weeks.

After Zorn’s one season which really surprised nobody, Snyder went through coaches Mike Shanahan, Jay Gruden, Bill Callahan, and Ron Rivera.

When the team was still the “Redskins,” Snyder issued a statement saying, “”We’ll never change the name. It’s that simple. NEVER — you can use caps.” I guess it wasn’t that SIMPLE.

And then things get really bad. In 2018, Washington cheerleaders took a trip to Costa Rica for a photo shoot where they were asked to pose topless and accompany team sponsors to nightclubs. In 2020, The Washington Post reported on the team’s toxic culture and 15 women alleged they were sexually harassed and verbally abused by former team employees. A few months later, 25 more women made the same allegations. And then, the Post reported that Snyder paid a former team employee $1.6 million in 2009 as part of a settlement after she accused him of sexual misconduct while flying on his plane. In 2021, the NFL fined Washington $10 for its toxic workplace culture and Snyder stepped down from day-to-day duties running the team.

In 2021, The Wall Street Journal released emails between Las Vegas Raiders coach Jon Gruden (while he was an analyst at ESPN) and former Washington general manager Bruce Allen (while he was still with Washington) that were homophobic, sexist, and racist. Gruden resigned and allegations are made that Snyder is behind the leaked emails in order to take the blame off him for the toxic workplace culture. Congress and the NFL both investigate the Washington Football Team, as it was known at the time.

In 2022, former Washington cheerleader and marketing manager Tiffani Johnston told members of the House Committee for Oversight and Reform that Snyder placed his hand on her leg while at a dinner function and later unsuccessfully tried to force her into his limousine while singing Billy Ocean’s “Get out of my dreams and into my car.” OK, I might have made that last part up. The NFL hires a former U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York and former chair of the Securities and Exchange Commission to investigate the claims.

Later in 2022, Anheuser-Busch, which has sponsorship deals with 26 teams, and the NFL, end their relationship with the Commanders. Former Washington employee Jason Friedman testifies before the House Oversight Committee alleging financial improprieties, including a claim that Washington withheld ticket revenue that was supposed to be shared with other teams. The committee sends a 20-page letter to the Federal Trade Commission regarding a “potentially unlawful pattern of financial conduct” by the franchise.

The Virginia attorney general’s office informs the Commanders it will investigate the allegations of financial impropriety. The D.C. attorney general also begins an investigation. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell testifies before the House Oversight Committee while Snyder refuses and flies to France.

In June 2022, The House oversight committee releases a 29-page report with new allegations against Snyder. The report concludes that Snyder conducted a “shadow investigation” to try to discredit the media and others who he thought played a role in making accusations against him and the organization. Among the report’s findings: Snyder sent private investigators to the homes of those who accused him to offer them “hush money.” Snyder finally testifies, remotely from out of the country.

In October 2022, ESPN reported that Snyder told people in his inner circle Goodell and other owners can’t “fuck with me” because of information he has on all of them. The report stated that Snyder had collected information on six other owners, including Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. Later that month, Colts owner Jim Irsay tells reporters at the owners’ meetings: “I believe there’s merit to remove Snyder as owner. Unfortunately, I believe that’s the road we probably need to go down and we just need to finish the investigation, but it’s gravely concerning to me the things that have occurred there over the last 20 years.”

Snyder released a statement that he will “never” sell, but doesn’t make it all caps this time. The very next month, Snyder announces he’s hired Bank of America Securities to consider “potential transactions” for selling the team. 

In the same month, the D.C. attorney general files a civil lawsuit against Snyder and the Commanders saying it is for “colluding to deceive residents of the District of Columbia about their investigation into a toxic workplace culture that impacted employees, especially women.” A week later, the AG files a second lawsuit accusing the team of cheating season-ticket holders in the District out of $200,000 in deposit money.

In December, the House Oversight Committee releases a report stating that Snyder “permitted and participated in” creating a toxic workplace culture. the allegations in the report include that Snyder leaked the Gruden/Allen emails.

And yesterday, ESPN reported that Snyder has reached a preliminary nonexclusive agreement to sell the team to Josh Harris, who also co-owns teams in the NBA and NHL, for a record $6.05 billion. The sale would require league approval which could come as early as next month. There are still other potential buyers.

Last month, Dan Snyder’s team won a poll among players in the NFL for being the worst team to play for.

Music note: I listened to Foo Fighters.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Football Night In America

I went down to my local bar last night to watch the first 30 minutes of the last Monday Night Football game of the year which was between the Cincinnati Bengals and Buffalo Bills, which would also help decide who will be the top playoff seed in the AFC. The reason I was only going to stay for 30 minutes is that this isn’t a sports bar. It’s a taco bar. Mmm, tacos.

A friend, Chaz, who is from Cincinnati, showed up and suggested we finish watching the game at a sports bar, but I declined because I really wasn’t feeling staying out that late though I found the idea of chicken wings very appealing. We never would have made it.

During the first quarter, Bills safety Damar Hamlin went down with an injury. It quickly went from a typical-football injury to something very serious. I knew there was real trouble from looking at the players’ faces. Hamlin suffered cardiac arrest after taking a hit to his chest while making a tackle. He’s currently in critical but stable condition.

It took the NFL about 35 minutes to decide to postpone the game, but word is that this decision is the result of pressure from the players and coaches of the Bills and Bengals. They weren’t going back out there. Would the NFL have still played the game if the coaches and players hadn’t pressured it to stop?

The conversation at the bar during this was about how a team can collect itself to continue playing this game. Olivia, who was working the bar threw out the idea that the game would be postponed. I thought there was no way the NFL would suspend a game during the first quarter. Chaz, who was once an EMT trainee, wasn’t giving us a positive diagnosis of Hamlin’s condition after we heard he had to receive CPR twice.

When I got back to my apartment and turned the game on, I saw that the teams still had not re-taken the field. The analysts on TV didn’t really know what to say and they seemed lost for words. I would have been the same way. The game was postponed shortly after.

I like football, but maybe I shouldn’t. It’s a very violent game and one I didn’t want my kid to play. I would have been fine with my son playing baseball or tennis, but not football. Football is a game where the object is for grown men to run into each other at full speed. Human bodies were not made to do that. It’s a very violent game. Fortunately, my son was and still is not into sports. He probably doesn’t even know who won last year’s Super Bowl. I can live with that.

A 24-year-old athlete shouldn’t be suffering from cardiac arrest… or multiple concussions in one year.

Our first thoughts should be with Damar Hamlin and his family. We should all be wishing him a full recovery. A lot of us will still watch football when the games resume later this week. A lot of people are wondering if there will be a make-up game, or about their fantasy teams, or about who gets the top seed in the playoffs.

Our last thoughts should be on football…and we shouldn’t be having any thoughts on conspiracy theories, but this is America.

Right-wing MAGAts have already started conspiracy theories blaming the vaccines for Covid 19 for Damar Hamlin suffering a cardiac arrest, like that hit to the center of his chest didn’t have anything to do with it. The same goons who don’t want politics in football are using a young man’s life-threatening injury to push their propaganda and hate.

America isn’t just violent. It’s vile.

Music note: I listened to The Doors.

Facebook Suspension Update: There are 11 days left, so it says, in my Facebook suspension for typing the word “Taliban.” Quannah had a countdown clock for it, but it broke.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Fun With Headless Dolphins

Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa was injured in a game against the Buffalo Bills last week. It was a head injury. The NFL and the Dolphins said he cleared concussion protocols, Last Thursday against the Cincinnati Bengals, his head was injured again and he was taken off the field on a stretcher.

The NFL messed up and one person has already been fired over this. While the NFL has put on a happy face in dealing with concussions, they still put dollars above human beings. And you can never listen to an athlete on whether he’s good to play. As we’ve seen with Robert Griffin III, a coach will risk an athlete’s career to win one game.

Speaking of games, this blog is short because I have to meet someone to watch a game that starts in 19 minutes. Happy Sunday.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Evil SCOTUS

There’s a particular trait that’s common among conservatives and that is for them to explain their positions, they have to lie. Have you ever heard anyone defend Donald Trump without lying? Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch is a liar. But then again, the six extreme right-wing Christian fundamentalist justices that are the majority on the highest court in the land are proven liars.

In the ruling that came down today allowing a Washington state football coach to pray at a public school event, Gorsuch, who wrote for the majority, lied. It’s as if he didn’t pay any actual attention to the case and decided it’d suit his needs better if he just made some shit up. Naturally, this is one of Donald Trump’s appointees.

Gorsuch repeatedly claims in his writing for the majority that Joseph Kennedy, a former public school football coach at Bremerton High School in Washington state who prayed at the 50-yard line following football games, who was often joined by his players, members of the opposing team, and members of the general public, “offered his prayers quietly while his students were otherwise occupied.” That is a lie. The layman’s term for this is “bullshit.”

And once again, this court has thrown out precedent. This court has overruled Lemon v. Kurtzman, the 1971 decision that previously governed cases involving the Constitution’s language prohibiting an establishment of religion. This establishes, as usual, Christianity on government property in a government function. Do these fucks even know what “secular” means?

The coach did not pray silently. Anyone can pray at school or any other government facility. Prayer is not banned. Establishing a religion is banned which rules out public prayer. Kennedy held very public prayers on the 50-yeard line while players from both teams kneeled around him while he held up helmets from both teams as if he were the Moses of football.

One student’s father complained since his son felt compelled to join in despite being an atheist. There’s peer pressure and the fear the coach will sit you on the bench if you don’t worship Jesus with him. So, the school district told Kennedy to knock it off. Kennedy did not knock it off. Instead, the coach went on a media tour and even made an appearance on Good Morning, America. At the next game, there was what’s been described as a stampede to pray with the coach on the 50-yard line to help him with his “commitment to God.” It was so bad that even members of the high school band got trampled. You don’t see that shit at band camp.

But, I’m sure it was a very private stampede.

The 1971 case held that the government’s actions “must have a secular legislative purpose,” that their “principal or primary effect must be one that neither advances nor inhibits religion,” and that the government may not “foster ‘an excessive government entanglement with religion.’” A stampede for Jesus on a public school’s football field at the 50-yard line is NOT secular.

You don’t need God to play football anymore than you need the national anthem for sports.

Justice Gorsuch did not base his opinion on the Constitution. It’s why he lied. He even dismissed the photographic evidence of the prayer huddles. Since Gorsuch lied, it leaves me to speculate that he would have had a different ruling if the coach wasn’t Christian.

What if the coach was Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Sikh, or even worse…a Satanist?

The Church of Satan doesn’t literally worship the devil because Satanists are atheists. Satanists don’t believe in God or the Devil. They chose Satan as their symbol which makes sense as this country is supposed to guarantee the right to freedom of religion. That right also protects your freedom to be an atheist, so Satan is being used here as a symbol for atheists…and it freaks people the fuck out.

And that’s what I want. To freak people the fuck out…specifically, religious zealots who believe their religion takes priority and has greater rights than other religions. I want a liberal football coach somewhere in this nation (there has to be at least one) to conduct a Satanic ceremony after a public school’s football game on the 50-yard line. Neil Gorsuch rules that a coach can do that so I’m sure the school district won’t fire a coach for leading a Satanic prayer at a football game. And, even if that prayer summons a demon, Justice Gorsuch says that demon is allowed at a public school setting. Maybe a demon would enjoy a high school football game. Do demons like hotdogs? And, it wouldn’t be the first time someone summoned a demon to help with their football game. Ask Tom Brady.

And quite frankly, this public school demon needs to be raised and Neil Gorsuch and the rest of his troglodyte fundamentalist majority of hypocrites should be forced to live with it. The only problem is that it wouldn’t be fair to the demon.

Creative note: I read my lettering out loud just to hear how it sounds. For some reason, every time I said “Beezelbub,” my Amazon Echo device, Alexa, would light up. So, if you don’t get a new cartoon from me tomorrow or see any activity from me, it might mean I inadvertently summoned a demon. I should probably clean my bathroom.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Scaredy MAGAts

Cjones07062021

In the comments under yesterday’s cartoon on Instagram, I was called a “libtard.” I didn’t think it was that special though it’s been a while since someone has hurled that bigoted and ignorant insult in my direction. And I didn’t just get it once. I got it four times. It amused me so I tweeted about it…which lead to me being called the word about 17 more more times on Twitter.

First off, to the liberals who replied that I should throw it back at them with something like “Trumptard,” you’re missing the point. We don’t sink to their level and you don’t fight bigotry with bigotry. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be more direct: Don’t use the word, “tard.” Don’t justify it.

Normally, goons call me something like “snowflake.” They think that’s clever. It’s been over four years but that still gets chuckles from them. I love that they use that word, because it’s another example of conservative projection. You see, conservatives are cowards to the point they’re afraid of tiny little thing, like a gay player in the NFL, to the “WAP” song, to losing their white privilege, and to things that don’t even exist, like Jewish Space Lasers.

For example: Republicans have been screaming about communism and Sharia law for years, yet it hasn’t happened here. Another example of projection is their campaigning for their own version of Sharia law.

And if you don’t believe me that Republicans are huge cowards and are constantly snowflaking about shit, just turn on Tucker. He cries about everything and especially if it’s stuff that doesn’t exist. He is the center of the cowardly universe for Republicans who tune in nightly to see what they should be afraid of tomorrow.

This July 4th, fireworks may send your sweet doggy hiding underneath your bed out of fear and anxiety, but Bowser ain’t got nothing on Tucker. Tucker probably sleeps under his bed every night, and unlike in this cartoon, he probably takes the Trumpy Bear with him. And, if you have named your dog after Tucker, that is animal cruelty.

Right now, Republicans have so much to be afraid of that will never hurt them. Stuff like Critical Race Theory, Jewish Space Lasers, Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo ballots, Levar Burton hosting Jeopardy!, gay football players, Ilhan Omar, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, Hilary Clinton, Sandra Fluke (let’s bring her back), Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (women in general), Juneteenth, trans athletes (this is the hot one for the moment), taking down Confederate statues, Black Lives Matter, Antifa, woke generals, and me. Actually, I’m the only one you should be afraid of and I’m coming to getcha.

When I started this cartoon, I already had some of these topics in my head…but I needed to be reminded what else they’re afraid of, which forced me to look at some stuff I didn’t want to look at.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut negativity out of my life. That means no looking at Trumper pages on social media, no looking at conservative political cartoons, and no watching Fox News, which I never do anyway. But, to see the current fears, I had to go look at some. It was either that or call one of my MAGAt sisters. No thanks!

First thing I did was check out the Facebook page of one cartoonist, who is not my friend, but is afraid of everything and is always posting about it. He’s on the pulse of right-wing bullshit which can come in helpful for research. Right now his main fears are the vaccine, trans people, and President Biden whispering. He’s also afraid of having his white privilege taken away and it’s obvious he hates black people. He also has a weird Led Zeppelin fetish. It is weird for a 60-year-old man to post 18 shirtless-Robert Plant pictures a day, right?

Then I looked at some cartoons from a bunch of them and…HOLY SHIT!!!!! Did you hear about this trans thing? Apparently, they’re going to shower with us, win beauty pageants, and steal gold medals at the Olympics. This is a major crisis in conservative media. Also, they’re never watching the NFL again…again.

And then, I did what I really didn’t want to do. I went to Breitbart. Ugh. Breitbart used to, and maybe they still do, have an entire section devoted to “black on black crime.” It’s like the racist section but they couldn’t call it the “racist” section. Today’s headlines at the Breitbart include scary stories about trans people, black people, CNN, Critical Race Theory, Biden eating ice cream (that sonofabitch!), gays, more trans people, another Critical Race Theory story, covid this and covid that, immigrants, more trans people, more Critical Race Theory, more immigrants, more black people, more trans people, Critical Race Theory again, and Tucker Carlson is probably right about being spied on by the NSA…and more trans stories. Nothing about aliens, at least not on the front page.

Conservatives are really afraid of EVERYTHING. They need help for their anxiety but I can’t find anything on the web about how to soothe and calm a MAGAt suffering from loud noises. So, I decided to take the tips for dogs suffering from firework anxiety and apply it to dumbass racist Republican conspiracy theorists. Maybe one of these can keep your MAGAt from scurrying under your bed and piddling. MAGAt piddle is just the worst.

Tip 1: Ask your vet for a sedative. I’m sure any sedative designed for your fur baby will also work on your MAGAt baby. Just don’t be tempted to give them the entire bottle because it’ll sure be nice if you don’t see them for a few days. I understand the temptation. Also, don’t hit them in the head with a hammer, though again, I understand the temptation.

Tip 2: Hold them close and say, “shhhh. It’ll be alright. AOC isn’t coming to get you.” This may not work as nobody wants to hold a MAGAt close to their own body. Ew.

Tip 3: Give them a treat. Raw bacon, waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, a sandwich from Cheesecake Factory, or just a block of raw butter from Cracker Barrell may get them excited long enough not to notice CNN ran a special on the Tulsa Massacre.

Tip 4: Belly rubs. MAGAts love a good belly tickle. But once again, this would mean you have to touch them. Also, most MAGAts are sticky. You’ve been warned.

Tip 5: Tell them you’re trans. They’ll probably jump out the window and you’ll never see them again. That advice wasn’t on the doggy site because people love dogs and want to see them again. Have you ever heard of anyone adopting a lost MAGAt? No, you have not.

Tip 6: Buy your MAGAt a one-way bus trip to Jacksonville and let him be their problem. Jacksonville won’t notice. It’s not like they’ll say, “Hey, have you noticed Jacksonville has been a lot more Jacksonvilley?”

Tip 7: Turn off Fox News. You shouldn’t let your dog watch Fox News either as that’s animal cruelty.

Tip 8: The doggy site says to familiarize your pet to the sounds, but I think if you repeat “Ilhan Omar” too often, your MAGAt may leap into a ceiling fan. But then again, win-win except for the mess. MAGAts are sticky on the inside too…we think. It may just be a lot of coal.

Tip 9: Did I mention the one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville? I did? Never mind.

Tip 10: Distraction: Someone should produce and sell mobiles with Trump’s face on them. If you put that above a MAGAts bed, he may not notice anything else. See if you can work some Benadryl into the baby bottle.

Tip 11: Ball gag.

Tip 12: Get him a Thundershirt. Be warned, they don’t work on everybody. For instance, they don’t work on Beagles. But, Beagles are way smarter than MAGAts and are fooled less easily. You never heard a Beagle bitch about immigration…unless you immigrated a cat into the house. Speaking of cats, there are Thundershirts for cats. Putting a Thundershit on a MAGAt has gotta be a hell of a lot easier than putting a shirt on a cat. Also, thundershirts use velcro, so like a MAGAts shoes, they may be able to put them on by themselves. As I recall though, you had to slide arms in, fold one piece over another, then fold the piece that has the velcro…never mind. It’s way too complicated for a MAGAt and you’re gonna have to help him.

If none of these work, there’s the hammer idea and you can probably get that one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville for about $80.00. Hell, that’s twice the price of a Thundershirt.

Last tip: Stop with the fireworks. What are you, six? Get over it already.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Pootie Juice

cjones08162020

As President Ronald Reagan’s relationship with Soviet Premiere Mikhail Gorbachev got warmer, he said about their negotiations over a nuclear treaty, “Trust but verify.” Today, as we deal with Russians, it’s not just them we can’t trust. We can’t trust our own president (sic).

While Ronald Reagan wasn’t the most trustworthy person himself (Hello? Iran/Contra anyone?), he didn’t push conspiracy theories or worst of all, become a poodle for the Russian leader.

This week, Russia announced it had developed a vaccine for the coronavirus. Yay. Problem solved. Let’s reopen schools, get this economy rolling again, and play some football. Above all else, make sure you vote for Donald Trump, and don’t forget to thank him. Uh…not just yet.

There’s a reason Donald Trump relates so well with Russian President Vladimir Putin. It’s that they’re both dishonest, corrupt, and are both fashionable. Wait. Not “fashionable.” Fascist.

Vladimir Putin is touting this drug that’ll probably be endorsed by Doctor Demon Sperm. Fascist of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte, says he’s going to take it. Putin claims one of his daughters has taken it. We don’t know how many children Putin has but that daughter is probably his least favorite. Maybe she listens to Pussy Riot.

The thing is, this vaccine has only been tested for two months on humans. And, if it’s only been tested on Trump sycophants, then it hasn’t been tested on humans at all. More like nutless monkeys.

In a rush to be first, they may be releasing a corrupt vaccine. Doctors in the U.S. and Europe have expressed concern over the vaccine not being tested enough. The World Health Organization has listed six vaccinations, with over 100 being developed worldwide, that have reached phase three of clinical trials. The Putin Vaccine is not one of them. For all we know, after you take it, you might grow a tail and get fuzzy nipples.

As one European health official said, “Based on everything we know, this has not been sufficiently tested. It’s not about being first somehow. It’s about having a safe vaccine.” Another said, “We do not know the methodology or the results of their clinical trials.” We’re being told not to ask what’s in it and to just drink it. As Donald Trump would see, “We’ll see what happens.” What might happen is growing a tail.

Here in the states, Dr. Anthony Fauci isn’t a true believer. He said, “I hope that the Russians have actually definitively proven that the vaccine is safe and effective. I seriously doubt that they’ve done that.” And like with Trump, if Putin promises, it’s probably not just a lie, but dangerous and stupid.

But nations with corrupt and really bad horrible rotten leadership are excited to try without asking questions. Duterte said, “I believe the vaccine that you have produced is really good for humanity. I will be the first one to be experimented on.” But how does he know it’s “really good for humanity”? Because Putin told him so? Israel is already lining up to purchase. I wouldn’t trust a band-aid from Putin. But you know, if people like Duterte and Benjamin Netanyahu want to be the first to be “experimented” on, then maybe this isn’t all bad though I’m not looking forward to seeing Bibi’s hairy nipples. Anyone else?

Since horrible leaders are trusting Putin on this vaccine, where does Donald Trump stand? Trump trusts Putin over our intelligence agencies. Hell, he trusts Dr. Demon Sperm over Dr. Fauci. If you’re saying what Donald Trump wants to hear, he’ll buy it. The Russian vaccine may put Donald Trump, the anti-vaxxer, into a precarious position. Trump has also said we’ll have a vaccine by election day, which means he may eagerly accept Putin’s vaccine. Most experts don’t believe we’ll have a viable vaccine until the middle of next year. In case you’re a Republican, next year is 2021.

And since Donald Trump says we should have a regular football season, it’s all the more reason we shouldn’t.

Trump thinks the Trump Virus won’t be a concern with football since college athletes are young and healthy. He also spreads lies that the virus isn’t contagious from small children and touts how it only kills a few of them, so go ahead and send them back to school. Isn’t that the pro-gun argument?

It’s like Donald Trump doesn’t understand the virus is transmittable. Sure, the virus won’t kill a lot of football players. Maybe it’ll only kill a few and if we’re lucky, they’ll just be punters or Tom Brady (I kid!!!! mostly). But these healthy players will give it to people who aren’t so young, like Alabama coach Nick Saban. Hmm. Maybe we should play football.

But, just in case you’re just now tuning in, Donald Trump is an idiot. If he thinks college football should be played this season, then it shouldn’t. It’s weird Donald Trump wants us to play football, send kids to school, get everybody back to work…but delay the election.

The thing is, kids, we’re not going to see anything close to normal until there is a vaccine and unfortunately, the first few we see probably won’t be legit.

And hey, I’m not a fan of having to wear a mask, especially for four hours straight in an airplane and two hours during a Houston layover yesterday, but it has to be done for now. Maybe forever. And just like with the face masks, I would hate to not have a football season but playing football right now is probably stupid. I’m sorry it’s not normal not having a football season…but these are not normal times.

If we really want to get back to normal, or as close to it as possible, then we shouldn’t extend ourselves into frivolous activities, like football and biker rallies. Hell, we’ve shut down the more important ones like going to school and work.

Maybe we shouldn’t be going back to school or playing sports until people can meet the president without taking  Trump Virus test beforehand.

Hopefully, that president will be Joe Biden.

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Cartoon For Seattle Times: Bellevue Football

seattle04292016

Here’s the latest cartoon I drew for The Seattle Times, which ran today.

Bellevue is a high school football team and they’re a powerhouse. They’re constantly ranked among the best nationally in the USA Today poll. They have won the state championship 11 times between 2001 and 2013. An independent investigation has issued a report that the team has been violating rules for years.

They have been accused of having players who don’t live in their district and boosters paid tuition at a private school for players. In addition, the report says the coach “directed and encouraged” Bellevue football players to take classes at a private alternative school “to obtain minimum grade standards” needed to maintain their eligibility to play. One football player described the school as a “day care” for athletes.

As you can imagine, Tom Brady isn’t liked anywhere outside New England. It’ll be interesting to see what sort of response this cartoon receives.

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