Football

Scaredy MAGAts


Cjones07062021

In the comments under yesterday’s cartoon on Instagram, I was called a “libtard.” I didn’t think it was that special though it’s been a while since someone has hurled that bigoted and ignorant insult in my direction. And I didn’t just get it once. I got it four times. It amused me so I tweeted about it…which lead to me being called the word about 17 more more times on Twitter.

First off, to the liberals who replied that I should throw it back at them with something like “Trumptard,” you’re missing the point. We don’t sink to their level and you don’t fight bigotry with bigotry. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be more direct: Don’t use the word, “tard.” Don’t justify it.

Normally, goons call me something like “snowflake.” They think that’s clever. It’s been over four years but that still gets chuckles from them. I love that they use that word, because it’s another example of conservative projection. You see, conservatives are cowards to the point they’re afraid of tiny little thing, like a gay player in the NFL, to the “WAP” song, to losing their white privilege, and to things that don’t even exist, like Jewish Space Lasers.

For example: Republicans have been screaming about communism and Sharia law for years, yet it hasn’t happened here. Another example of projection is their campaigning for their own version of Sharia law.

And if you don’t believe me that Republicans are huge cowards and are constantly snowflaking about shit, just turn on Tucker. He cries about everything and especially if it’s stuff that doesn’t exist. He is the center of the cowardly universe for Republicans who tune in nightly to see what they should be afraid of tomorrow.

This July 4th, fireworks may send your sweet doggy hiding underneath your bed out of fear and anxiety, but Bowser ain’t got nothing on Tucker. Tucker probably sleeps under his bed every night, and unlike in this cartoon, he probably takes the Trumpy Bear with him. And, if you have named your dog after Tucker, that is animal cruelty.

Right now, Republicans have so much to be afraid of that will never hurt them. Stuff like Critical Race Theory, Jewish Space Lasers, Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo ballots, Levar Burton hosting Jeopardy!, gay football players, Ilhan Omar, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, Hilary Clinton, Sandra Fluke (let’s bring her back), Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (women in general), Juneteenth, trans athletes (this is the hot one for the moment), taking down Confederate statues, Black Lives Matter, Antifa, woke generals, and me. Actually, I’m the only one you should be afraid of and I’m coming to getcha.

When I started this cartoon, I already had some of these topics in my head…but I needed to be reminded what else they’re afraid of, which forced me to look at some stuff I didn’t want to look at.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut negativity out of my life. That means no looking at Trumper pages on social media, no looking at conservative political cartoons, and no watching Fox News, which I never do anyway. But, to see the current fears, I had to go look at some. It was either that or call one of my MAGAt sisters. No thanks!

First thing I did was check out the Facebook page of one cartoonist, who is not my friend, but is afraid of everything and is always posting about it. He’s on the pulse of right-wing bullshit which can come in helpful for research. Right now his main fears are the vaccine, trans people, and President Biden whispering. He’s also afraid of having his white privilege taken away and it’s obvious he hates black people. He also has a weird Led Zeppelin fetish. It is weird for a 60-year-old man to post 18 shirtless-Robert Plant pictures a day, right?

Then I looked at some cartoons from a bunch of them and…HOLY SHIT!!!!! Did you hear about this trans thing? Apparently, they’re going to shower with us, win beauty pageants, and steal gold medals at the Olympics. This is a major crisis in conservative media. Also, they’re never watching the NFL again…again.

And then, I did what I really didn’t want to do. I went to Breitbart. Ugh. Breitbart used to, and maybe they still do, have an entire section devoted to “black on black crime.” It’s like the racist section but they couldn’t call it the “racist” section. Today’s headlines at the Breitbart include scary stories about trans people, black people, CNN, Critical Race Theory, Biden eating ice cream (that sonofabitch!), gays, more trans people, another Critical Race Theory story, covid this and covid that, immigrants, more trans people, more Critical Race Theory, more immigrants, more black people, more trans people, Critical Race Theory again, and Tucker Carlson is probably right about being spied on by the NSA…and more trans stories. Nothing about aliens, at least not on the front page.

Conservatives are really afraid of EVERYTHING. They need help for their anxiety but I can’t find anything on the web about how to soothe and calm a MAGAt suffering from loud noises. So, I decided to take the tips for dogs suffering from firework anxiety and apply it to dumbass racist Republican conspiracy theorists. Maybe one of these can keep your MAGAt from scurrying under your bed and piddling. MAGAt piddle is just the worst.

Tip 1: Ask your vet for a sedative. I’m sure any sedative designed for your fur baby will also work on your MAGAt baby. Just don’t be tempted to give them the entire bottle because it’ll sure be nice if you don’t see them for a few days. I understand the temptation. Also, don’t hit them in the head with a hammer, though again, I understand the temptation.

Tip 2: Hold them close and say, “shhhh. It’ll be alright. AOC isn’t coming to get you.” This may not work as nobody wants to hold a MAGAt close to their own body. Ew.

Tip 3: Give them a treat. Raw bacon, waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, a sandwich from Cheesecake Factory, or just a block of raw butter from Cracker Barrell may get them excited long enough not to notice CNN ran a special on the Tulsa Massacre.

Tip 4: Belly rubs. MAGAts love a good belly tickle. But once again, this would mean you have to touch them. Also, most MAGAts are sticky. You’ve been warned.

Tip 5: Tell them you’re trans. They’ll probably jump out the window and you’ll never see them again. That advice wasn’t on the doggy site because people love dogs and want to see them again. Have you ever heard of anyone adopting a lost MAGAt? No, you have not.

Tip 6: Buy your MAGAt a one-way bus trip to Jacksonville and let him be their problem. Jacksonville won’t notice. It’s not like they’ll say, “Hey, have you noticed Jacksonville has been a lot more Jacksonvilley?”

Tip 7: Turn off Fox News. You shouldn’t let your dog watch Fox News either as that’s animal cruelty.

Tip 8: The doggy site says to familiarize your pet to the sounds, but I think if you repeat “Ilhan Omar” too often, your MAGAt may leap into a ceiling fan. But then again, win-win except for the mess. MAGAts are sticky on the inside too…we think. It may just be a lot of coal.

Tip 9: Did I mention the one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville? I did? Never mind.

Tip 10: Distraction: Someone should produce and sell mobiles with Trump’s face on them. If you put that above a MAGAts bed, he may not notice anything else. See if you can work some Benadryl into the baby bottle.

Tip 11: Ball gag.

Tip 12: Get him a Thundershirt. Be warned, they don’t work on everybody. For instance, they don’t work on Beagles. But, Beagles are way smarter than MAGAts and are fooled less easily. You never heard a Beagle bitch about immigration…unless you immigrated a cat into the house. Speaking of cats, there are Thundershirts for cats. Putting a Thundershit on a MAGAt has gotta be a hell of a lot easier than putting a shirt on a cat. Also, thundershirts use velcro, so like a MAGAts shoes, they may be able to put them on by themselves. As I recall though, you had to slide arms in, fold one piece over another, then fold the piece that has the velcro…never mind. It’s way too complicated for a MAGAt and you’re gonna have to help him.

If none of these work, there’s the hammer idea and you can probably get that one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville for about $80.00. Hell, that’s twice the price of a Thundershirt.

Last tip: Stop with the fireworks. What are you, six? Get over it already.

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Pootie Juice


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As President Ronald Reagan’s relationship with Soviet Premiere Mikhail Gorbachev got warmer, he said about their negotiations over a nuclear treaty, “Trust but verify.” Today, as we deal with Russians, it’s not just them we can’t trust. We can’t trust our own president (sic).

While Ronald Reagan wasn’t the most trustworthy person himself (Hello? Iran/Contra anyone?), he didn’t push conspiracy theories or worst of all, become a poodle for the Russian leader.

This week, Russia announced it had developed a vaccine for the coronavirus. Yay. Problem solved. Let’s reopen schools, get this economy rolling again, and play some football. Above all else, make sure you vote for Donald Trump, and don’t forget to thank him. Uh…not just yet.

There’s a reason Donald Trump relates so well with Russian President Vladimir Putin. It’s that they’re both dishonest, corrupt, and are both fashionable. Wait. Not “fashionable.” Fascist.

Vladimir Putin is touting this drug that’ll probably be endorsed by Doctor Demon Sperm. Fascist of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte, says he’s going to take it. Putin claims one of his daughters has taken it. We don’t know how many children Putin has but that daughter is probably his least favorite. Maybe she listens to Pussy Riot.

The thing is, this vaccine has only been tested for two months on humans. And, if it’s only been tested on Trump sycophants, then it hasn’t been tested on humans at all. More like nutless monkeys.

In a rush to be first, they may be releasing a corrupt vaccine. Doctors in the U.S. and Europe have expressed concern over the vaccine not being tested enough. The World Health Organization has listed six vaccinations, with over 100 being developed worldwide, that have reached phase three of clinical trials. The Putin Vaccine is not one of them. For all we know, after you take it, you might grow a tail and get fuzzy nipples.

As one European health official said, “Based on everything we know, this has not been sufficiently tested. It’s not about being first somehow. It’s about having a safe vaccine.” Another said, “We do not know the methodology or the results of their clinical trials.” We’re being told not to ask what’s in it and to just drink it. As Donald Trump would see, “We’ll see what happens.” What might happen is growing a tail.

Here in the states, Dr. Anthony Fauci isn’t a true believer. He said, “I hope that the Russians have actually definitively proven that the vaccine is safe and effective. I seriously doubt that they’ve done that.” And like with Trump, if Putin promises, it’s probably not just a lie, but dangerous and stupid.

But nations with corrupt and really bad horrible rotten leadership are excited to try without asking questions. Duterte said, “I believe the vaccine that you have produced is really good for humanity. I will be the first one to be experimented on.” But how does he know it’s “really good for humanity”? Because Putin told him so? Israel is already lining up to purchase. I wouldn’t trust a band-aid from Putin. But you know, if people like Duterte and Benjamin Netanyahu want to be the first to be “experimented” on, then maybe this isn’t all bad though I’m not looking forward to seeing Bibi’s hairy nipples. Anyone else?

Since horrible leaders are trusting Putin on this vaccine, where does Donald Trump stand? Trump trusts Putin over our intelligence agencies. Hell, he trusts Dr. Demon Sperm over Dr. Fauci. If you’re saying what Donald Trump wants to hear, he’ll buy it. The Russian vaccine may put Donald Trump, the anti-vaxxer, into a precarious position. Trump has also said we’ll have a vaccine by election day, which means he may eagerly accept Putin’s vaccine. Most experts don’t believe we’ll have a viable vaccine until the middle of next year. In case you’re a Republican, next year is 2021.

And since Donald Trump says we should have a regular football season, it’s all the more reason we shouldn’t.

Trump thinks the Trump Virus won’t be a concern with football since college athletes are young and healthy. He also spreads lies that the virus isn’t contagious from small children and touts how it only kills a few of them, so go ahead and send them back to school. Isn’t that the pro-gun argument?

It’s like Donald Trump doesn’t understand the virus is transmittable. Sure, the virus won’t kill a lot of football players. Maybe it’ll only kill a few and if we’re lucky, they’ll just be punters or Tom Brady (I kid!!!! mostly). But these healthy players will give it to people who aren’t so young, like Alabama coach Nick Saban. Hmm. Maybe we should play football.

But, just in case you’re just now tuning in, Donald Trump is an idiot. If he thinks college football should be played this season, then it shouldn’t. It’s weird Donald Trump wants us to play football, send kids to school, get everybody back to work…but delay the election.

The thing is, kids, we’re not going to see anything close to normal until there is a vaccine and unfortunately, the first few we see probably won’t be legit.

And hey, I’m not a fan of having to wear a mask, especially for four hours straight in an airplane and two hours during a Houston layover yesterday, but it has to be done for now. Maybe forever. And just like with the face masks, I would hate to not have a football season but playing football right now is probably stupid. I’m sorry it’s not normal not having a football season…but these are not normal times.

If we really want to get back to normal, or as close to it as possible, then we shouldn’t extend ourselves into frivolous activities, like football and biker rallies. Hell, we’ve shut down the more important ones like going to school and work.

Maybe we shouldn’t be going back to school or playing sports until people can meet the president without taking  Trump Virus test beforehand.

Hopefully, that president will be Joe Biden.

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Cartoon For Seattle Times: Bellevue Football


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Here’s the latest cartoon I drew for The Seattle Times, which ran today.

Bellevue is a high school football team and they’re a powerhouse. They’re constantly ranked among the best nationally in the USA Today poll. They have won the state championship 11 times between 2001 and 2013. An independent investigation has issued a report that the team has been violating rules for years.

They have been accused of having players who don’t live in their district and boosters paid tuition at a private school for players. In addition, the report says the coach “directed and encouraged” Bellevue football players to take classes at a private alternative school “to obtain minimum grade standards” needed to maintain their eligibility to play. One football player described the school as a “day care” for athletes.

As you can imagine, Tom Brady isn’t liked anywhere outside New England. It’ll be interesting to see what sort of response this cartoon receives.

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