England

Trumpet Crumpets


cjones07282020

Donald Trump is corrupt. His cult points at him donating his salary to different government agencies while ignoring his frequent trips to his own golf resorts and every foreign diplomat and Republican in Washington, D.C. booking hotel and party rooms at his hotels. Attorney General William Barr spent over $30,000 to rent a conference room at Trump’s Washington hotel for an asshole party. There are other hotels and conference rooms in Washington, D.C. Former Secretary of the Interior Scott Pruitt tried to buy a used mattress from the Trump hotel. There are better places to buy a mattress in the Washington, D.C, area, and maybe even get one at a better price that didn’t have Russian hookers doing lord-knows-what-disgusting things on it.

When Donald Trump visits his shitty golf resorts, the governments has to book rooms. That means they have to pay for them. In fact, they have to book rooms surrounding the dates for Trump’s visits for security purposes and the possibility that he’ll stay longer. We, you and I, still have to pay for those rooms. The Trump Organization isn’t cutting us any slack. Donald Trump even charges the Secret Service rent at Trump Tower and for the use of golf carts to follow him around while he cheats at golf by stealing little boys’ balls. The motherfucker literally charges the Secret Service to protect his fat orange ass.

Donald Trump promised to drain the swamp. But the mere fact he’s continued Washington’s swampy ways is that he awards ambassadorships to campaign contributors. For example, the ambassadorship to the United Kingdom is probably the most lucrative diplomatic post we have and Donald Trump gave it to a guy named Woody. Woody Johnson is a billionaire and the owner of The New York Jets. He gave over a million dollars to the Trump Inauguration Committee where millions of dollars have just vanished. It’s like nobody’s even looking into that anymore. Zip. Bye-bye, money. For his donation, Woody got London.

Now, it’s been revealed that Woody was poking around trying to get the British Open, which is a golf tournament, to be awarded to…wait for it…oh fuck it, you know where this is going…to one of Donald Trump’s shitty resorts. Shockingly enough, he was trying to get it to one of Trump’s resorts in the UK and not one in the U.S.

When Donald Trump first banned travel from Europe because of the coronavirus pandemic, he made exceptions for nations that had…wait for it…oh you know this….exceptions for nations that had Trump resorts. Why? Because Donald Trump is corrupt. We need to talk about this a lot more often.

Woody apparently brought the subject up to Scotland’s Secretary of State. Scotland is where Trump’s Turnberry resort is located. In case you’re a Republican, Scotland is a country that’s part of the United Kindom. This is something that probably confused Trump previously as he’s shown confusion over what is the United Kingdom, England, Britain, and person, woman, man, camera, TV.

Woody told several colleagues he was going to make the request and his deputy, Lewis Lukens, a holdover from the Obama administration, told him it was a really bad idea. Asking for a personal favor, basically, a bribe to the president of the United States isn’t just not diplomatic, but it’s unethical and…wait for it again…has to be illegal.

Lukens was fired. Now, there’s confusion over whether he was fired for not liking the idea of asking host nations for bribes or if he was dismissed for saying something nice about President Obama at a diplomatic function. You know what type of little titty babies these people are in the Trump administration.

Woody Johnson tweeted, “I have followed the ethical rules and requirements of my office at all times,” which was about as much a denial as Congressman Ted Yoho’s apology to congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for calling her a “fucking bitch” was an actual apology.

Donald Trump claimed he never spoke to Woody Johnson about it which is either a lie or the truth as he could have spoken to someone else to speak to Johnson about it. And, while denying that he was trying to benefit his property as president (sic), Donald Trump promoted his property from the presidency. He said, “No, I never spoke to Woody Johnson about that, about Turnberry. Turnberry’s a highly respected course, as you know, one of the best in the world. I read a story about it today, and I never spoke to Woody Johnson about doing that, no.” Also, you can probably get a really sweet deal on a used mattress from Turdberry.

Is Donald Trump the kind of guy who’d use his office to profit? Is he the kind of guy who’d ask for a major golf tournament to be hosted at one of his resorts? We do know he’s the kind of guy who’d try to host the G-7 at one of his shitty resorts.

Turdberry is a major money sucker and Trump has lost millions in it. He’s been craving for a major golf tournament to be hosted at one of his resorts for years but he’s been denied again and again. Why? Because his golf courses are crap. Several of his resorts are losing money, like Doral in Miami which is why he wanted the G-7 to be hosted there. Also, Doral is full of bedbugs so be careful if you go mattress shopping from a Trump property.

Donald Trump is corrupt. He’s raking in millions without even asking…but he’s asking too. And there’s no better way to lose respect in the international community than for our president (sic) to be asking our allies for bribes. It’s a bribe. Make no mistake about it. Bribe, bribe, bribity, bribe, bribe. It’s a fucking bribe. It’s not just unethical, it’s a crime for which Donald Trump should eventually go to fucking federal prison…among all the other multiple crimes he’s committed that he should go to fucking federal prison for.

And the new normal in Trump corruption is that this story lasted a day. It was swept aside for his canceling a convention in Jacksonville and for, “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV.” It’s scary enough the Trump cult doesn’t care about Trump’s corruption, but that the rest of have become used to it. This is a big freaking deal. Everyone needs to freak out about it. I am. Can we all agree it’s wrong for the president (sic) to enrich himself from his office? Can we agree it’s wrong for the president (sic) to ask for bribes?

And since Republicans in Washington won’t remove Donald Trump for being corrupt, the responsibility is on us. We need to remove him in November. It’s important.

Donald Trump is corrupt and his supporters have a Woody for it.

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Trumped Up Brexit


cjones05282019.jpg

Voters in the United Kingdom can be just as poorly informed as their counterparts in the United States. They can also be just as easily manipulated by Russian troll farms.

While the European Union isn’t perfect and there are serious issues for each nation involved to resolve, it’s stupid for the United Kingdom to leave it and form an isolationist position. That’s exactly why Vladimir Putin directed the Kremlin to engage in election meddling in the UK’s EU vote. Russia does not have the UK’s best interest at heart.

Likewise, Russia wants what’s worse for the United States which is why they meddled in our election to help elect Donald Trump. I have often said that a voting primer is to vote against Vladimir Putin’s best interest. You would have to be an idiot to vote for Putin’s candidate.

Idiots in the United States gave us Donald Trump. Now, Boris Johnson is about to become Prime Minister because of a bunch of British idiots…and Welsh, Scottish, and Irish (though fewer Scots and Irish supported Brexit than people in England and Wales).

Theresa May had been struggling for a deal with the European Union on the UK’s exit. Boris Johnson is promising an exit even without a deal. Trump, who claims he’s a great negotiator, has operated the same way. The formula is to throw the baby out with the baby water and hope the other side returns the baby.

Trump left the Paris Climate Accord, the Trans-Pacific Partnership, NAFTA, and the Iran Nuclear Treaty without any replacements. He tried to end Obamacare without a replacement. He’s also threatened to leave NATO. Meanwhile in the Kremlin, Putin is smiling.

Boris Johnson and Donald Trump have much in common. While Boris isn’t as stupid as Trump (it takes a lot more political savvy to weave your way through British politics than it does  to dupe 62 million American voters with “build a wall and Mexico will pay for it”), he is an isolationist populist who puts his own self interest before his nation’s. Both use racist dog whistles. Both are Russian puppets. Both are isolationist and nation first guys. They both troll the least informed for support. Both have ridiculous yellow hair (though Boris’ looks real). They were both born in New York City. And, they both are willing to initiate maneuvers without any regard for the dangerous consequences. If England wasn’t an island, Boris would be chanting for a wall. If you’re a Trump or one of his supporters, yes. England is an island.

Both of these guys serve Russian interests. Boris was even named after a Russian.

Trump once referred third-world nations as “shithole” countries. Boris once compared infighting in his Conservative Party to “Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing.” Trump is known as a liar and loves to make shit up. Boris was once fired as a journalist for making up a quote.

Donald Trump undermined Theresa May by saying Boris would make a great Prime Minister. He also thinks he’s doing a great job as president.

Most Brits view Trump as a laughingstock. Only one in four of them believe Boris should be Prime Minister which means they’re about to get their own laughingstock. Personally, I have to find time away from laughing at our laughingstock to laugh at Britain’s. Likewise, Brits may have less focus to create Trump Babies because they’ll be making a Boris Baby.

But, the lesson for my British friends is this: Vote stupid, stupid things happen. Need an example? Baby, I can give you one.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
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Trump Baby


cjones07102018

 

For the first time in my life, I think I feel sorry for the Queen of England.

At some point between meeting Prime Minster Theresa May, Boris Johnson, listening to bagpipes, golf in Scotland, lots of executive time, and avoiding protesters, Donald Trump will meet Queen Elizabeth. God help the Queen.

It’s the protests that may be the most interesting. Over one million people signed a petition to ban Trump from visiting the United Kingdom. It worked for a while as Trump canceled a previously planned trip. He blamed the excessive cost of the American embassy and blamed Obama, despite the embassy being planned during the second Bush administration.

Street protests against America’s wannabe fascist are expected to draw over 100,000 people in London, which Trump plans to mostly avoid. The mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, who Trump has feuded with, says Trump is not welcome in his city. He’s even gone so far as to approve a permit for a giant Trump baby balloon to float above the Palace of Westminster.

Trump Baby is a cartoonish depiction of Trump as an infant (about the same age as migrant children he’s been throwing into baby prisons). The floating caricature looks angry, is wearing diapers, and holding a cell phone. Organizers set a fundraising goal of $20,000 for the Trump Baby, which they surpassed. Apparently, more people in London want to see Trump Baby than the real man baby.

Some people in the UK don’t like it. UKIP leader Nigel Farage said the plan was “the biggest insult to a sitting US President ever.” Maybe he’s not a history buff and is unaware of the time Britain literally burned down the White House.

Though Trump Baby has been approved by the mayor’s office, it still needs permits from the National Air Traffic Service and the Metropolitan Police.

According to people close to Trump who like to leak embarrassing details about their boss, he really hates being called or treated like a baby, which is really odd because he expects to be coddled everywhere he goes. He’s even planning some alone coddling time with Vladimir Putin during their summit in Finland next week. Maybe they can get a honeymoon suite at the Helsinki Hilton.

Since the organizers exceeded their fundraising goal, they plan to send Trump Baby on a world tour. The plan is to have the balloon haunt Trump wherever he goes. I think Tom Steyer, the impeach Trump guy, should spend his billions on funding Trump Baby’s journey. It’d be a more effective way of trolling Trump than those commercials, and funnier too.  Perhaps your city could float its own Trump Baby as a Trump deterrent.

It may also keep scarecrows out of your cornfields.

Watch me draw.

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Toodle Pip, EU


cjones06252016

I’m a fan of British humor. From Monty Python to The Young Ones to The Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy to the first two Beatles movies. One of the biggest aspects of the humor, or “humour” to me is the slang. American slang sucks compared to the English, especially when it comes to insults.

Donald Trump might have learned that Friday if he had the capability to comprehend and learn stuff.

On Friday after the Brexit vote Trump sent out a tweet while he was promoting his failing golf club in Scotland. There’s no larger evidence that Trump’s presidential campaign is more about his brand than policies than him taking a break to promote a failing golf club overseas.

I digress. Trump celebrated the United Kingdom leaving the European Union, even though he probably doesn’t understand it. He had it explained to him a few weeks ago on live television. Now he thinks it’s a great development. His tweet stated “Just arrived in Scotland. Place is going wild over the vote. They took their country back, just like we will take America back. No games!”

The most ignorant thing about Trump’s tweet is that Scotland voted 62% to 38% to stay in the EU. One clever twitter user replied to Trump’s tweet with “Scotland voted Remain, you weapons-grade plum.”

It didn’t stop there. Please forgive the not safe for family newspaper language here but further insults were:

Delete your golf course.

Scotland voted Remain you muppet.

Scotland voted to stay you numpty.

Scotland voted to remain, you tit.

Oi, buttplug face, Scotland are pro-EU.

Scotland voted overwhelmingly to stay in Europe you toupéd fucktrumpet

SCOTLAND VOTED TO STAY, YOU WITLESS FUCKING COCKSPLAT!

No, they aren’t you cockwomble.

Scotland voted remain  you incomprehensible jizztrumpet.

Scotland voted stay & plan on a second referendum, you tiny fingered, Chetto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon.

Scotland hates both Brexit and you, you mangled apricot hellbeast.

They voted remain you spoon.

To top his day off, one Scottish protester dropped golf balls all around him at his press conference. The golf balls were emblazoned with Swastikas. Too bad Corey Lewandowski had been fired and wasn’t there to rough the Scot up.

Trump is a spoon. A great big touped, Chetto-faced spoon.

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