Dogs

Woof Woof, Meow Meow, Spend Spend

Cjones09142021

Nineteen Senate Republicans joined with Democrats to pass a $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill despite Donald Trump loudly screaming against it.

Typically, Republicans are scared to death of Donald Trump and his cult. This is because Republicans are spineless cowards. But they may not have much to fear this time from the Trump cult over this massive spending bill.

One reason they don’t have to worry so much is that spending on infrastructure is good. How dare you repair bridges, fill potholes, and create jobs in my community. Even Republicans who voted against this will receive infrastructure money in their states. And since they are Republicans, they’ll still take credit for it.

But a better reason Republicans who opposed Trump on this don’t have to fear is because this legislation is nuts-and-bolts stuff. Trump supporters don’t understand gritty details. Half of Republicans in Congress don’t understand gritty details and nuts and bolts of legislation. Do you honestly believe Lauren Boebert is doing math? Do you think Marjorie Taylor Green is shouting through a mail slot about a sewage system in Akron? Matt Gaetz won’t even look at the bill unless you draw a pair of teenage boobies on it.

Trump supporters don’t know this shit. They’re idiots who believe he’s going to be reinstated. They only get fired up over wedge issues and three-syllable chants (“lock her up,” “send them back,” “drain the swamp,” “stop the steal,” and a two syllable one as a bonus, “space force”). They don’t even understand the stuff they do get upset about but those things are much easier to get all sweaty over. They want red meat, not deets.

Republicans are not going to get upset over spending on infrastructure. If you really want them upset over spending, tell them it was for allowing trans to play on female sports teams and use public restrooms. Tell them it was for making Cat in the Hat a crossdresser. Tell them it was to remove Mr. Potato Head’s penis and sticking it in his trunk.

Tell them we’re spending $1.2 trillion to rename the Washington Monument “Black Lives Matter Monument.” Tell them it was for Obama’s birthday party (Pearl Jam and balloons aren’t cheap). Tell them it was to put more broccoli and cauliflower into school lunches. Tell them we spent a trillion bucks on public face masks and mandated sleeveless shirts from the Michelle Obama Collection.

Tell them the $1.2 trillion infrastructure is code for repairing Jewish space lasers. Tell them the money is for straight conversion to make daycare students gay. Tell them it’s for microchips in the coronavirus vaccines to track everybody’s porn consumption. Tell them it’s for creating a chemical to place inside school face masks that’ll turn your children into godless socialists and vegans. Tell them the money is ban cow farts. For some weird reason, the GOP is horny for cow farts. Tell them the $1.2 trillion is to tear down Trump’s racist border wall and build open bridges from El Paso to Caracas. Then, tell them were Caracas is.

Donald Trump was all in favor of infrastructure spending when he was president (sic). But now he’s against it. That would be like him being in opposition to us spending $1.2 trillion to buy Greenland.

Donald Trump doesn’t understand infrastructure. He only understands tax cuts for himself and racist dog whistles. The only reason he’s opposed to this legislation is because it’s a win for President Joe Biden.

Now, this legislation is going to the House where Republicans are even shittier and more cowardice than they are in the Senate.

Cats and dogs didn’t really get married. It was just a one-night stand. Today, they’re back at fighting over other infrastructure spending, like creating more internet for rural America where they’re more likely to believe in shit like Trump winning the election, George Soros-funded caravans, deep-state lizard people, and Jewish space lasers. Come to think of it, maybe we should oppose creating more internet for rural fucknuts.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: here are SIX copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Scaredy MAGAts

Cjones07062021

In the comments under yesterday’s cartoon on Instagram, I was called a “libtard.” I didn’t think it was that special though it’s been a while since someone has hurled that bigoted and ignorant insult in my direction. And I didn’t just get it once. I got it four times. It amused me so I tweeted about it…which lead to me being called the word about 17 more more times on Twitter.

First off, to the liberals who replied that I should throw it back at them with something like “Trumptard,” you’re missing the point. We don’t sink to their level and you don’t fight bigotry with bigotry. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be more direct: Don’t use the word, “tard.” Don’t justify it.

Normally, goons call me something like “snowflake.” They think that’s clever. It’s been over four years but that still gets chuckles from them. I love that they use that word, because it’s another example of conservative projection. You see, conservatives are cowards to the point they’re afraid of tiny little thing, like a gay player in the NFL, to the “WAP” song, to losing their white privilege, and to things that don’t even exist, like Jewish Space Lasers.

For example: Republicans have been screaming about communism and Sharia law for years, yet it hasn’t happened here. Another example of projection is their campaigning for their own version of Sharia law.

And if you don’t believe me that Republicans are huge cowards and are constantly snowflaking about shit, just turn on Tucker. He cries about everything and especially if it’s stuff that doesn’t exist. He is the center of the cowardly universe for Republicans who tune in nightly to see what they should be afraid of tomorrow.

This July 4th, fireworks may send your sweet doggy hiding underneath your bed out of fear and anxiety, but Bowser ain’t got nothing on Tucker. Tucker probably sleeps under his bed every night, and unlike in this cartoon, he probably takes the Trumpy Bear with him. And, if you have named your dog after Tucker, that is animal cruelty.

Right now, Republicans have so much to be afraid of that will never hurt them. Stuff like Critical Race Theory, Jewish Space Lasers, Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo ballots, Levar Burton hosting Jeopardy!, gay football players, Ilhan Omar, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, Hilary Clinton, Sandra Fluke (let’s bring her back), Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (women in general), Juneteenth, trans athletes (this is the hot one for the moment), taking down Confederate statues, Black Lives Matter, Antifa, woke generals, and me. Actually, I’m the only one you should be afraid of and I’m coming to getcha.

When I started this cartoon, I already had some of these topics in my head…but I needed to be reminded what else they’re afraid of, which forced me to look at some stuff I didn’t want to look at.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut negativity out of my life. That means no looking at Trumper pages on social media, no looking at conservative political cartoons, and no watching Fox News, which I never do anyway. But, to see the current fears, I had to go look at some. It was either that or call one of my MAGAt sisters. No thanks!

First thing I did was check out the Facebook page of one cartoonist, who is not my friend, but is afraid of everything and is always posting about it. He’s on the pulse of right-wing bullshit which can come in helpful for research. Right now his main fears are the vaccine, trans people, and President Biden whispering. He’s also afraid of having his white privilege taken away and it’s obvious he hates black people. He also has a weird Led Zeppelin fetish. It is weird for a 60-year-old man to post 18 shirtless-Robert Plant pictures a day, right?

Then I looked at some cartoons from a bunch of them and…HOLY SHIT!!!!! Did you hear about this trans thing? Apparently, they’re going to shower with us, win beauty pageants, and steal gold medals at the Olympics. This is a major crisis in conservative media. Also, they’re never watching the NFL again…again.

And then, I did what I really didn’t want to do. I went to Breitbart. Ugh. Breitbart used to, and maybe they still do, have an entire section devoted to “black on black crime.” It’s like the racist section but they couldn’t call it the “racist” section. Today’s headlines at the Breitbart include scary stories about trans people, black people, CNN, Critical Race Theory, Biden eating ice cream (that sonofabitch!), gays, more trans people, another Critical Race Theory story, covid this and covid that, immigrants, more trans people, more Critical Race Theory, more immigrants, more black people, more trans people, Critical Race Theory again, and Tucker Carlson is probably right about being spied on by the NSA…and more trans stories. Nothing about aliens, at least not on the front page.

Conservatives are really afraid of EVERYTHING. They need help for their anxiety but I can’t find anything on the web about how to soothe and calm a MAGAt suffering from loud noises. So, I decided to take the tips for dogs suffering from firework anxiety and apply it to dumbass racist Republican conspiracy theorists. Maybe one of these can keep your MAGAt from scurrying under your bed and piddling. MAGAt piddle is just the worst.

Tip 1: Ask your vet for a sedative. I’m sure any sedative designed for your fur baby will also work on your MAGAt baby. Just don’t be tempted to give them the entire bottle because it’ll sure be nice if you don’t see them for a few days. I understand the temptation. Also, don’t hit them in the head with a hammer, though again, I understand the temptation.

Tip 2: Hold them close and say, “shhhh. It’ll be alright. AOC isn’t coming to get you.” This may not work as nobody wants to hold a MAGAt close to their own body. Ew.

Tip 3: Give them a treat. Raw bacon, waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, a sandwich from Cheesecake Factory, or just a block of raw butter from Cracker Barrell may get them excited long enough not to notice CNN ran a special on the Tulsa Massacre.

Tip 4: Belly rubs. MAGAts love a good belly tickle. But once again, this would mean you have to touch them. Also, most MAGAts are sticky. You’ve been warned.

Tip 5: Tell them you’re trans. They’ll probably jump out the window and you’ll never see them again. That advice wasn’t on the doggy site because people love dogs and want to see them again. Have you ever heard of anyone adopting a lost MAGAt? No, you have not.

Tip 6: Buy your MAGAt a one-way bus trip to Jacksonville and let him be their problem. Jacksonville won’t notice. It’s not like they’ll say, “Hey, have you noticed Jacksonville has been a lot more Jacksonvilley?”

Tip 7: Turn off Fox News. You shouldn’t let your dog watch Fox News either as that’s animal cruelty.

Tip 8: The doggy site says to familiarize your pet to the sounds, but I think if you repeat “Ilhan Omar” too often, your MAGAt may leap into a ceiling fan. But then again, win-win except for the mess. MAGAts are sticky on the inside too…we think. It may just be a lot of coal.

Tip 9: Did I mention the one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville? I did? Never mind.

Tip 10: Distraction: Someone should produce and sell mobiles with Trump’s face on them. If you put that above a MAGAts bed, he may not notice anything else. See if you can work some Benadryl into the baby bottle.

Tip 11: Ball gag.

Tip 12: Get him a Thundershirt. Be warned, they don’t work on everybody. For instance, they don’t work on Beagles. But, Beagles are way smarter than MAGAts and are fooled less easily. You never heard a Beagle bitch about immigration…unless you immigrated a cat into the house. Speaking of cats, there are Thundershirts for cats. Putting a Thundershit on a MAGAt has gotta be a hell of a lot easier than putting a shirt on a cat. Also, thundershirts use velcro, so like a MAGAts shoes, they may be able to put them on by themselves. As I recall though, you had to slide arms in, fold one piece over another, then fold the piece that has the velcro…never mind. It’s way too complicated for a MAGAt and you’re gonna have to help him.

If none of these work, there’s the hammer idea and you can probably get that one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville for about $80.00. Hell, that’s twice the price of a Thundershirt.

Last tip: Stop with the fireworks. What are you, six? Get over it already.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Who’s A Good Boy?

cjones03142021

President Joe Biden has brought dogs back into the White House. One of the dogs, Major, is the first rescue dog to occupy the White House. Having a dog shows that a person has empathy, care, and love for something other than himself. It’s why Donald Trump never owned a dog.

Earlier this week, someone spooked Major and he bit that individual. According to reports, Major “nipped” a Secret Service agent. A nip is when it is a bite but skin is not broken.

Major and co-first dog, Champ, were both returned to the Biden home in Delaware while First Lady Jill Biden was traveling. They’ll return to the White House soon enough. The White House is still a new environment and for now, it probably will be better for their mom to be there with them. Major and Champ are on the very short list of who can walk into the Oval Office at any time. And I don’t see any issues with them getting on the furniture after Donald Trump let Kellyanne Conway put her feet on the couch.

These are big dogs. During the transition, Major actually caused Joe Biden to fracture his foot while they were playing together. A grown man in his 70s playing with his dogs is a man you want to be friends with. Since these are large dogs, it’s not surprising there are occasional bumps and bruises. Even small dogs can throw a person down stairs. Dachshunds can be brutal. Don’t get me started on cats which are natural terrorists constantly plotting your impending murder.

It’s too bad Major bit a Secret Service Agent…and not a Republican.

It’s too bad Major didn’t bite Roger Wicker for boasting about the money restaurants will receive from the stimulus, yet not voting for the stimulus.

It’s too bad Major didn’t bite Tom Cotton who went off the rails over inmates receiving $1,400 checks…and not losing his shit over inmates receiving checks from the first two stimulus packages when Trump was president. There are also a few retroactive bites Tom Cotton deserves, like for that time when sent a letter to Iran trying to undermine President Obama’s negotiations over a nuclear agreement.

Maybe Major can bite Tucker Carlson. What for? A lot of things actually but let’s start over Tucker’s comments on women in the military. During one of his stupid shows this week, Tucker criticized the military for having women in it while also praising China for building more ships. He called China’s move “more masculine,” while saying about women, “So we’ve got new hairstyles and maternity flight suits — pregnant women are going to fight our wars. It’s a mockery of the U.S. military.” Tucker Carlson is a mockery of journalism and he deserves a few bites.

There are other people in Washington Major can bite. He can start with Ted Cruz just for being Ted Cruz. And if Major can get that awful taste out of his mouth, perhaps he can go after Matt Gaetz, Jim Jordan, Lindsey Graham, Josh Hawley, and Ron Johnson?

Aw, screw it. Go for it, Major. Bite every single Republican in Congress who didn’t vote for the stimulus. Since every single Republican voted against it, you’re gonna need back-up. Is Champ in a biting mood?

What sort of treats and Scooby Snacks do you give a dog for biting Republicans? We might be talking steaks here.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have SEVEN copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Goodbye Granny

cjones03302020

In case you haven’t noticed by now, Republicans are in a contest with each other to see who can be the vilest, most despicable, horrid person in their party. Keep in mind, this is the party that lied and said President Obama was creating death panels as part of Obamacare. The story here, whose biggest advocate was Sarah Palin, was that there would be panels deciding which old people to kill off.

The irony is that the GOP can stomach a lot of death. They value semi-automatic weapons over the lives of children. Kim Jong Un kills an American college student and the best Donald Trump can say is that the communist dictator “feels bad about it.” They don’t care about immigrant children dying in the desert or in the custody of Border Patrol. They don’t care if people in this nation die because they can’t afford medical treatment and are uninsured. Now, the Lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick (not the ESPN guy), has advocated that old people should be willing to die in order to get the economy going.

Patrick is a Texan and a proud member of the party of “if you’re not rich, fuck you.” Now, the position is becoming “fuck off and die.”

Donald Trump wants everyone filling churches by Easter Sunday, which is April 12. He said “we can’t let the cure be worse than the problem.” Patrick is taking that to heart and has gone on television to endorse old people risking their lives for the economy. Patrick, who is 70, said to Tucker Carlson, “No one reached out to me and said, ‘as a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?’ And if that’s the exchange, I’m all in.”

He carried on with his nonsense and said, “And that doesn’t make me noble or brave or anything like that. I just think there are lots of grandparents out there in this country like me… that what we care about and what we love more than anything are those children.”

Republicans are not taking this seriously. Texas is a state without a stay-at-home order from the governor. There are other states too that aren’t taking the pandemic seriously, such as Mississippi, where the governor’s answer to the virus is that they’ll pray really hard.

As the pandemic was rising across the globe, Donald Trump thought denial and lies were the cure. He called it a hoax and yesterday, he still claimed the media was using it to defeat him. He uses it himself politically in calling it the “Chinese virus.” And, he still thinks it’s the flu.

It gets worse.

In Pennsylvania, Republican state Representative Stephanie Borowicz introduced legislation (I swear I’m not making this up) calling for “A State Day of Humiliation, Fasting, and Prayer” in response to the coronavirus crisis. The legislation states, “We know that, by His divine law, nations like individuals are subjected to punishments and chastisement in this world” and the current pandemic may be “punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins.” It claims Pennsylvanians “have forgotten God” and thus need to “confess our national sins and to pray for clemency and forgiveness.” Why do I hear that in my head with a heavy southern accent? If anything, some Pennsylvanians have sinned by electing stupid fuckers to represent them.

Louisiana, which is becoming the next epicenter for the virus, has Senator John Kennedy, who downplayed the pandemic by claiming “poverty, hunger, and losing the entire economy” could also kill people. Likewise, Trump says suicides over the economy will outnumber deaths from the virus.

TV preacher Jim Bakker is hawking a fake coronavirus cure which I’m sure involves sending him money. Texas-based Evangelical preacher Kenneth Copeland claims he can cure the virus if you watch him preach on TV, which also probably involves money.

A Miami megachurch preacher, Guillermo Maldonado, has told his followers to pack his church and that fear of the virus is a “demonic spirit.” He asked the few people at his megachurch last Sunday, “Do you believe God would bring his people to his house to be contagious with the virus? Of course not.” So, if you’re afraid enough of the virus to stay home and not attend his sermon, you’re going to Hell.

Baton Rouge pastor Tony Spell is refusing to comply with a state order banning gatherings of over 50 people and said, “The virus, we believe, is politically motivated.” He passed out anointed handkerchiefs which are probably a lot easier to get now than Purell.

A pastor in Indiana, Paul Begley, believes the virus is a sign of the “end times.” A pastor in Pennsylvania (who probably voted for that nutjob state rep) says the virus is “demonic” and if you have it, then you are “healed in Jesus’ name.”

These politicians and preachers are willing to risk your life for their benefit. In the preachers’ case, it’s more revenue. In Trump and other GOP politicians, it’s their political hide. Donald Trump knows a recession hurts his chances of being reelected. What’s he going to say after people go over 30 days without a paycheck? Is he going to blame Obama, China, and the media? Probably. And the deeper we’re in a recession the harder it will be for a dumbass like Donald Trump to pull us out, and the majority of the nation knows that.

The most vulnerable to dying from the coronavirus are the elderly. The real irony in their willingness to sacrifice seniors for cheeseburgers, sermons, baseball games, and Trump rallies is that seniors, specifically the white ones, vote for Donald Trump (I’m not beating up on you if you’re a senior and you don’t vote for Trump. I’m a 53-year-old white male and my demographic is strongly pro-Trump. I’m the minority). But other than killing off their base, they’re putting themselves in extreme danger.

Donald Trump is 73. He can say he feels like a 30-year-old all day long but he’s still 73. He wants to relax the federal recommendations on social distancing and he doesn’t care if it kills people as long as it helps him. And people in his cult, like Dan Patrick (not the ESPN guy), they don’t care either.

The Republican Party doesn’t care if you die as long as it helps the economy. If you’re old, maybe you can help them even further by booking a cruise before you die.

But if you wanna stick around a bit longer, take some advice from your friendly neighborhood ink-slinging cartoonist: Don’t get into a car with a Republican. You may not come back.

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This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

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A Summit For Mutts

cjones03022019

There are two certainties of the second summit with North Korea. Kim Jong Un will win the Dinner For Schmucks contest and Donald Trump will not bring up human rights abuses to the dictator.

North Korea’s dictator solidifies his power internationally by developing nuclear weapons, and internally by mass purges and executions. A study by a Seoul-based North Korean Strategy Center, led by a North Korean defector, says the communist regime has purged 421 people since Kim Jong Un came to power in 2011. They collected accounts by 14 North Korean elite group defectors, six North Korean officials in China, and five other defectors who witnessed executions. These accounts are just from people who have escaped North Korea, so the number of killed is surely higher than 421.

Kim had his brother murdered by poison in a Malaysian airport. One defecting witness says Kim executed eleven musicians with anti-aircraft guns in front of a crowd of 10,000 people in a stadium (this is why Nickelback never does North Korea stadium tours). He has killed senior officers in his own government, military and the ruling Korean Worker’s Party. He killed one for having a “bad attitude” and another for slouching in a meeting.

Former presidents condemned Kim’s brutal behavior. Our current president says he and Kim see “eye to eye.”

Like Kim, Trump doesn’t like anyone, not just challenging his authority, but challenging him in any manner whatsoever. After Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats said it’s unlikely that North Korea will give up its nuclear weapons, Trump had a hissy fit, and office pools were created on how much longer Coats will last in the administration.

Why wouldn’t Trump want to copy the way Kim deals with his critics, rivals and, perceived threats? He already copies his style of propaganda. Trump lies about the weather. His natural orangeness comes from good genes. He’s 6 foot three. The White House manipulates his photos so his waist is slimmer and his hands are larger. He’s even speculated on the presidency being a lifetime job.

Trump has warned there could be violence if he’s impeached (which is telling his supporters to start something if he’s impeached). He wants news outlets regulated so they don’t report his lies. He wondered aloud why there isn’t retribution for the way he’s treated by Alec Baldwin’s impersonation on Saturday Night Live. He’s floated innuendoes about how his former attorney/fixer Michael Cohen’s family might be punished if he testifies before Congress. What’s his attitude going to be like when he comes back from a love summit with Kim Jong Un?

Trump doesn’t like dogs, probably because dogs don’t like assholes and phonies (dogs are smarter and have better senses than his sycophants). But after hearing that Kim Jong Un has conducted executions by having dogs rip the victims apart, Trump might reconsider.

Most people would rather hang out with dogs than the likes of Donald Trump. Donald Trump would rather hang out with a dictator.

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What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
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