Just A Good Ole Boy


Despite all his faults, Donald Trump is still the best president of the Confederacy since Jefferson Davis.

The American Civil War started at Fort Sumter in South Carolina. On April 11, 1861, when Confederate Brigadier General Pierre Beauregard attacked the U.S. fort, commanded by Major Robert Anderson. Today, Beauregard, the guy attacking a United States military base, has a United States military base named after him. Anderson, the guy fighting for the United States of America, does not. You can quote me on this: That’s fucked up.

While military leaders were open to renaming the TEN U.S. military bases named after confederate losers, er…generals, Donald Trump swung for the racist fences yesterday by tweeting he would never allow the renaming of these bases.

In a tweet Donald Trump reportedly labored long and hard over before sending, he said, “These Monumental and very Powerful Bases have become part of a Great American Heritage, and a history of Winning, Victory, and Freedom. HEROES who won two world wars were trained on the Hallowed Grounds of the bases. Therefore, my Administration will not even consider the renaming of these Magnificent and Fabled Military Installations…Our history as the Greatest Nation in the World will not be tampered with. Respect our Military!”

Yes, I had the same exact thought. Oh my god.

Where do I start? OK, first… a “history of winning, victory, and freedom?” He labored long and hard on this? The Confederacy LOST the war which means it was NOT A “victory.” Also, the Confederacy was not fighting for freedom. Also, we trained heroes at these bases to fight in Vietnam which we did not win. You know, that war Donald Trump skirted by claiming he had bone spurs.

How does naming our bases after former foes, traitors, and racists respect our military? I’m hesitant to point out we don’t name U.S. bases after other former adversaries we fought as I don’t want to give Donald Trump and Stephen Miller the idea of renaming any bases after Nazis.

Donald Trump is doubling-down on the racism and the batshit crazy. How racist and backward do you have to be less progressive than NASCAR? Yesterday, NASCAR, that supposed sport where cars drive around in circles that’s popular in the south and only the south, declared the Confederate flag will no longer be allowed at their events. I don’t think the south has taken a blow like this since they lost the war, Hee-Haw was canceled, and Virginia and North Carolina banned indoor smoking.

NASCAR decided to ban the hater flag after hearing the views of Bubba Wallace, a man who defies two stereotypes: A black guy named “Bubba” who competes in NASCAR.

In other news, HBO MAX announced they are pulling “Gone With the Wind” from their lineup and will bring it back later to be presented in its historical context. As in explaining it was made in a much different racist time. Frankly, my dear, a lot of racist who give a damn are freaking the fuck out.

Disclaimer: “Gone With the Wind” was my mother’s favorite movie. I think I’ve seen the movie a thousand times but not all at once. It was always on a loop, like Christmas Story on Christmas day.

A conservative cartoonist who has been on a recent bender of making racist posts on Facebook declared voluntarily yesterday, “I am not a racist.” Then he added the caveat, “Even though I believe ‘all lives matter.'” Shortly after that, he defended “Gone With the Wind” by pointing out that actress Hattie McDaniel was the first black American to win the Oscar as if that makes up for the racist stereotypes and presentation in the movie. I think he’s arguing “Gone With the Wind” is woke. What he failed to mention is that McDaniel’s character in that movie didn’t have an official name as she went by “Mammy.” Also, while McDaniel did win the Oscar, she was not allowed to attend the presentation to accept her award in person.

The bases named after Confederate losers are, Camp Beauregard, Fort Benning, Fort Bragg, Fort Gordon, Fort Lee, Fort Pickett, Fort Polk, Fort Rucker, Fort A.P. Hill (which is here in Virginia), Fort Mammy, and Fort Hood (bonus points if you find the one I made up). Personally, I think we should only slightly change Fort Rucker to “Fort Darius Rucker.” Hey, he’s a southerner. How about Fort Jeff Gordon?

Fort Hood is of particular interest to me. I was born at Fort Hood. My father was stationed there as a drill sergeant and I have a Fort Benning yearbook from 1966…or I did until my little sister stole it over a decade ago and hasn’t returned it despite promise after promise because she’s a typical Trump-supporting-…AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH. I have issues but I digress.

How do I feel about renaming the place where I was born and my father served before shipping out to fight in Vietnam? Go ahead and change the name. Renaming the fort doesn’t erase history. It doesn’t erase my father’s accomplishments. It won’t erase me (sorry, haters). To be honest, if my dad was still alive, he’d probably be pissed as hell with talk of renaming it, but dad was wrong about a lot of stuff. He was an NRA member and I didn’t meet him until I was 21 so if he was still alive it’d just be another one of his opinions I don’t care about. How about “Fort Deadbeat,” you no-child-support-paying-son-of-a…Again, I have issues.

But in case you haven’t noticed, it’s usually only white people who get upset about taking down Confederate statues or taking Confederate names off roads and high schools. But look at it like this, why should a black American be forced to have Jefferson Davis’ name on their high school diploma? Again, that’s fucked up. We don’t force Jews to attend Himmler High or Joseph Goebbels Middle school. We don’t even have Eva Braun beauty academies (we don’t, do we?).

America is racist. We still have shit named after people who fought to preserve slavery. We still have their statues up. We still wave their flags. We still have a racist electoral college. We still elect racist presidents.

And the one thing being canceled that really upsets me is the TV show “Cops.” I’m not upset because I’ll no longer be able to watch police chase naked black dudes through alleys and parking lots (I think every show has at least one naked bad guy). I’m upset there won’t be an episode when they arrest Donald Trump. I would buy the Pay-Per-View to watch him get tased while wearing a wife-beater.

White boys, white boys. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna watch with your racist crew, white boys?

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Confederate Monuments


New Orleans, Louisiana (my home state) is removing monuments to the Confederacy from within the city. The type of people who continue to fly Confederate flags and scream “heritage, not hate” are upset.

The outrage is so intense that the monuments are being removed late at night under police protection. The company hired to remove the statues are even putting tape over their logos on their vehicles out of safety and concern over loss of business.

The first of four monuments, the Battle of Liberty Place, was removed early Monday morning. The battle being memorialized by that particular monument isn’t even from the Confederacy. It was an insurrection by the Crescent City White League against the Reconstruction state government in 1874, nearly ten years after the Civil War ended. The monument was erected in 1891 in praise of the racist insurrection as the city and state at that time was in the process of disenfranchising blacks. Nice memorial you’re fighting for there, Whities.

The other three monuments, Confederate President Jefferson Davis, Generals Robert E. Lee, and P.G.T. Beauregard will be removed in the near future on unspecified dates. You know the current White League will be conducting surveillance on each of those so they’ll know when they’re coming down.

Speaking of old monuments named “Beauregard,” one old codgy monument that needs to be removed but is firmly in place is our current Attorney General, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. You would think a Southerner from with a name like “Jefferson Beauregard” would be a little more cautious on matters with race. Not our Jefferson Beauregard.

Sessions has called the ACLU and NAACP “un-American” and that they were teaching “un-American” values. He has stated that the NAACP was “forcing Civil Rights down the throats of people.” He also said “You know the NAACP hates white people; they are out to get them. That is why they bring these lawsuits, and they are a commie group and a pinko organization as well.” Regarding the Ku Klux Klan, Sessions stated “I thought those guys were OK until I learned they smoked pot.” He’s also been accused of saying to a black colleaugue “You ought to be careful as to what you say to white folks.” The list goes on and on.

When Sessions was nominated for a federal judgeship in 1986, Coretta Scott King wrote a letter to Congress asking them to block his nomination. She wrote that allowing him to join the bench would “irreparably damage the work of my husband.” That is some serious stuff there.

And just last week Sessions, who loves the ideas of a border wall and kicking out brown people was upset that a judge in Hawaii (another state I lived and worked in) knocked down Trump’s travel ban on Muslims. Sessions “amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the president of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and Constitutional power.” Sessions ate a lot of crap for that and tried to defend his comments afterward. I don’t understand why a judge in Hawaii isn’t as legitimate as a judge in any other state, unless he’s upset that that “island in the Pacific” isn’t majority white.

These old Confederate dudes have a hard time letting go. Those people in New Orleans are upset over a statue coming down of Robert E. Lee and they cite history….yet disregard the fact that Lee never set foot in New Orleans.

They can’t let go of the Civil War which means that in two hundred years they’ll still be calling former South Carolina governor, and current ambassador to the U.N., Nikki Haley a traitor for removing the Confederate Battle Flag from her state’s Capitol grounds.

Here in Virginia a Republican running for governor had comments on the removal of the monuments in New Orleans. Corey Stewart, who’s actually from Minnesota, tweeted “It appears ISIS has won. They are tearing down historical monuments in New Orleans now too. It must end. Despicable!” If Mr. Stewart, and other Rebel flag waving freaks, lived in Germany, would they insist on monuments to Nazis and Hitler?

The Civil War is a complicated issue. Those who defend the flag and monuments argue that the war wasn’t fought over slavery. They’re half right. The North did not fight to end slavery. The South’s only reason was to fight for slavery. It was explicitly stated in many of the states’ Declarations of Secession.

If you want to continue to be an advocate for racism, that’s fine by me. Just don’t glorify it on government or public land. Put that sticker on your bumper. There is a place for Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, Stonewall Jackson, and P.G.T. Beauregard. That place is a museum.

A museum is where we should also put Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.

Creative note: I’ve been itching to draw elfish Jeff Sessions sitting on a stack of books. After my last cartoon of him, where I placed him in a high chair, I’ve been afraid someone would steal it from me and use the stack-of-books idea before I could. I was the first cartoonist in the nation to give Trump an extra long tie and I was the first to put scotch tape on it. Yes, I’m standing by those two claims. So just remember I’m the first to have Sessions sitting on stuff. Next, he’ll be sitting on Trump’s lap….or Putin’s.

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