Clinton

No Bums Allowed


cjones09062018

If you’re ostracized, blacklisted, shut out, and generally just avoided and uninvited by anyone with the least modicum of decency, maybe the issue isn’t with them but with you. At what point do you ask yourself, “am I really that unpleasant of a person?” Maybe, and I’m just spitballing here, but it’s when everyone who works with you is required to sign non-disclosure agreements, so they don’t inform the world just how vile and disgusting you are.

Donald Trump was not invited to the funeral for Barbara Bush. He has had a long-running feud with the Bush family from Jeb to W. and he’s made it personal.

He wasn’t invited to John McCain’s funeral because he attacked McCain on the campaign trail, saying he’s not a war hero and that he likes people who weren’t captured. He continued to attack McCain while he was dying. He refused to mention his name while speaking about a bill named after McCain. Reportedly, he wouldn’t allow the White House to issue a positive statement about McCain after his death, and only issued condolences to his family. After one day, the White House stopped flying the flag at half-mast, and only returned it to that position of respect after public pressure.

Trump wasn’t invited to the royal wedding just because he’s really icky. Prince Harry probably remembers that Trump claimed he could have had sex with his mother just days after she died. I hope he was referring to when she was alive.

If Trump wasn’t rich, the only invites he’d ever receive would be to Klan gatherings. He definitely wouldn’t have rich friends, have married three models, and his own children probably wouldn’t have anything to do with him, that is if he could have found a woman willing to bear his offspring. The closest he would have ever gotten to Playmates and porn stars would be through magazines and the internet, like most people. He would be the angry guy at the end of the bar complaining about the government, except he would have been banned from that bar.

He’s a very irritable person. He’s a narcissistic, sexist, racist, stupid, angry con man who spreads conspiracy theories. This is a guy who praises Nazis and steals from charity. Physically, he’s a supposed billionaire with the worst comb-over in the world that isn’t fooling anyone. He owns a clothing line yet has never worn a suit that didn’t cover his body like a potato sack. On top of all that, he eats burnt steaks smothered in ketchup.

The very worst thing about Donald Trump is that the Republican Party has turned into his image. Now, to be a Republican you’re required to be an asshole. If you don’t believe me, just hashtag McCain’s name on Twitter and see what you find.

Whether you agree with their policies or not, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are very likable people. Clinton and George H.W. Bush even became close years after their bitter campaigns against each other. Trump’s jealousy of them is only eclipsed by his intense envy and hatred of Barack Obama. In addition to being popular, he’s a very decent human being. The real irony is that Trump waged a conspiracy theory to delegitimize the presidency of Obama, yet it’s Trump’s presidency that is really illegitimate and riding on the coattails of his predecessor’s accomplishments.

Who likes Trump? Only the most vilest, disgusting, horrid, and despicable people. If they don’t fit any of those traits, then they’re just really stupid.

Maybe it’s not always your fault when some people don’t want to be around you anymore. But when it’s everyone, trust me. It’s not them, it’s you.

If Donald Trump had the capacity to be honest with himself, then he would do some soul-searching. The only problem with that is, he’d have to have a soul first. Trust me, Donald. It’s not them. It’s all on you.

Your support in the form of donations is appreciated. I am fully independent as I’m not employed by a newspaper or with a major syndicate (leaving one to be independent). It does take a lot of work to provide you with cartoons, columns, and videos almost every day (more than any other political cartoonist), and I don’t charge my clients much at all. If you can, please consider making a financial contribution to keep the fun flowing, or purchase a signed print for $40. Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!!

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A Cartoon About Creepers


cjones08272017

I’m not a fan of bullies. Nope, I don’t like them. And Donald Trump is the Bully In Chief.

Excerpts of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming book, “What Happened,” were released this week, much to the chagrin of Republicans and probably a few Democrats. A lot of people don’t want to relitigate the election…except for Donald Trump, of course.

The excerpts cover the second presidential debate, the one where Donald Trump was stalking Clinton all over the stage, usually standing directly behind her each time it was her turn to speak. Clinton writes that her “skin crawled,” and she considered telling him to “back up, you creep.”

I know what she means by the “skin crawling” description. If someone stands directly behind me, I will get a chill running up the back of my neck, and that’s without the offender attempting to bully me. Some people are just creepers.

My skin crawled a bit when I was watching that debate. Clinton isn’t wrong to feel Trump was trying to bully her, as I wasn’t the only one to notice. The rest of the nation noticed, commentators discussed it, and Saturday Night Live even spoofed with Alec Baldwin portraying Trump lurking behind Clinton while the theme to “Jaws” played.

Trump is a shark. A 71-year-old mentally-unstable shark. Clinton’s book isn’t revealing new news that Trump is a creepy jerk. Trump has spent the last 30 years with his creepiness on public display, and he’s been rewarded for it.

And when it does happen, there are people who defend the perpetrator with “get over it,” or “you probably encouraged it,” or “maybe it was something you wore.” And it’s not just men who defend other men when they bully or sexually harass a woman. Women do it too. Kellyanne Conway is criticizing Clinton’s book, which I know she hasn’t read because, A. It’s not out yet, and B. It’s a book.

Conway said Democrats want Clinton to, “either make herself useful or fade out of the limelight.” I have to disagree with Kellyanne. I think Clinton’s book may serve a purpose by detailing all the horrible crap that happened that stuck us with a narcissistic man-baby for president. That would be much more useful than going on CNN and telling Chris Cuomo about terrorist attacks in Atlanta that never happened.

Trump understands bullying and sexual harassment. He’s just too stupid to realize his defense of it reveals that he is an offender. During the campaign, he claimed he never harassed one woman because he “didn’t find her attractive.” Being attracted to someone doesn’t have much to do with harassment. It’s about control. And, saying you wouldn’t harass because you don’t find them attractive tells us that you would harass them, you know if they resembled an Eastern European supermodel or a teenage beauty-pageant-contestant half-naked in a dressing room.

How would the public have responded if Clinton did tell Trump, “back off, you creep?” Would they have applauded her? Would she have won the election? Or, would every conservative had accused her of being a snowflake over something that didn’t happen, and by the way….EMAILS!?

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Bad Hombres, Nasty Woman, Debate Goes Bigly


cjones10222016

Choose your Twitter hashtag for the night. You can choose from #BadHombres, #NastyWoman, or #Bigly. These are contributions from Donald Trump during the third and last presidential debate from the 2016 election.

What’s the biggest takeaway from the last presidential debate for election 2016? Trump having high praise for Vladimir Putin and encouragement toward Bashar al-Assad, but doesn’t have faith in the American election system.

Trump had fewer sniffles and better poise than in his previous two debate performances, but he came off like he was impersonating Alec Baldwin impersonating him.

Spouting off falsehoods such as the State Department losing $6 billion dollars under Hillary’s watch, it’s obvious Trump went to the Breitbart school of debate coaching. How can Trump keep track of how much money the state department loses when he can’t keep track how much his daddy loaned him? He continues the claim it’s $1 million when it’s somewhere between $14-17 million.

About thirty minutes after saying he has the “greatest respect for women” Trump interrupted Hillary Clinton with “such a nasty woman.” He continued to deny accusations from women of his uninvited kissing and groping and claimed he didn’t know any of his accusers, despite there being plenty of tape to prove him wrong in some cases. He even said he didn’t apologize to his wife because he never did anything wrong, though earlier in the week Melania claimed Trump had apologized to her. Maybe her English isn’t so good and she thought she heard “sorry” when Donald actually said “I don’t dig fat chicks.”

Regarding his accusers, Trump claimed they were doing it for the fame of being groped by Donald Trump. Maybe that’s why Bob Dylan has remained silent on his Nobel. He’s waiting to be known for something greater, like being the beneficiary of a Trump grope.

Trump also bombed during the abortion segment when he talked about babies being ripped from their mother’s wombs on the last day before their birth. The segment started about Supreme Court appointments and Trump’s first comment on it, and in the debate, was to whine that Ruth Bader Ginsburg had insulted him. So his answer is he won’t appoint anyone who will hurt his feelings. Shit.

Hillary Clinton was there too and did a fine enough job. Did she put Trump away? Not as much as Trump probably put himself away. At one point moderator Chris Wallace told Clinton to stop talking so Trump could continue interrupting her. I thought she made her best point of the evening when she said “Trump would rather believe Vladimir Putin than 17 U.S. intelligence agencies.” Trump continued to claim the U.S. doesn’t know who is behind the recent hacks, which is like claiming eggs don’t come from chickens. “Eggs come from cows. I’ve seen the cows. They were the most marvelous cows and they’ll be yuge after I’m president. Then I milked the cows, but only the pretty ones and only after given expressed permission.”

When Clinton said Trump would be a puppet for Putin he replied, “uh uh…you’re the puppet.” I was waiting for “I know you are but what am I?”. He also repeated his constant one-word interruptions of “wrong” throughout the night.

To top all that off, he challenged people to prove he made quotes he denied ever making, which of course he has made. Such as when he denied saying Japan and South Korea should have nuclear weapons, which is something he has said.

The most talked about aspect of the debate analysts focused on afterward came near the end. Trump refused to say whether he will accept the results of the election. This is the first time we’ve ever had a major party candidate challenge the results before the actual election.

After the election I’m sure Trump will say it was manipulated by bad hombres and nasty woman but one word will perfectly describe the size of his defeat.

Bigly.

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Podesta’s Prince Of An Email


cjones10212016

I have beaten Marco Rubio up a lot over issues and grand standing and the fact he doesn’t have any accomplishments. But more than once this week I have called out Republicans and Trump supporters for not speaking out against Wikileaks. Now I have to be fair and commend Senator Rubio for doing just that.

Rubio is in a race for his senate seat yet he’s refusing to use any information provided by Wikileaks and the Russian government. He says “Today it is the Democrats. Tomorrow, it could be us.” What do you want to bet they have information from the Trump campaign they’re holding onto until they need it?

Rubio also said “I will not discuss any issue that has become public solely on the basis of WikiLeaks. As our intelligence agencies have said, these leaks are an effort by a foreign government to interfere with our electoral process, and I will not indulge in it.” Good for you, Senator Rubio for exhibiting principles that the rest of your party seems to be lacking. Now if you only had enough to pull your support from Donald Trump.

Everyday there are new dumps from the Clinton campaign’s emails. Most notably they’ve been fishing in campaign manager John Podesta’s in and out boxes. What we have discovered is that he grouped vice presidential candidates into “food groups.” There were groups for business leaders, military leaders, women, white guys, and black guys. There was also one exclusively for Bernie Sanders who Podesta referred to in one email as a “doofus.” I’ve been called worse by friends and family than “doofus,” though that word is one of their favorites for me. At least I never got “hipster doofus” which is another Seinfeld reference.

Still, there’s no real dirt in the emails greater than what is probably in Podesta’s spam folder, like free credit checks, check out my webcam, viagra ads and offers from that persistent Nigerian prince.

This is all you’re getting from me today for a column. I have more work with the debate tonight, an exclusive cartoon comping up this weekend for The Costa Rica Star, and I have to work on a special double-secret project for an alternative publication. At some point tonight I plan to eat something.

Yes, there will be a cartoon on the debate by tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll also tweet out a lot of sarcasm so go follow me on Twitter and enjoy the show.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Basement Berners


cjones10042016

I’m not trying to slam people who currently or have lived in basements. Basements can be cool places. I have never lived in one but I have been in two bands that practiced in them and I even recorded in an album in a basement studio (punk rock, yeah!). When I was married and first moved to Virginia the entire family ended up spending all of our social time in the basement as that’s where we put our big TV, sofa, computers, desks, and such. Our living room was empty.

People who have recently graduated from college who are having trouble starting their careers and are currently living in their parent’s basement shouldn’t be criticized for it. If you’re forty and living in your mom’s basement, yeah…maybe you need to do something or question your life choices. That’s the kind of neck-tattooed, unemployed dingus my sister married.

Donald Trump has recently accused Hillary Clinton of slamming Bernie Sanders’ supporters as living in their parents’ basements and working dead-end jobs. A recording recently surfaced with her describing them as such.

The thing is, she wasn’t degrading them. She was emphasizing and understanding why they were supporting Sanders. Sanders himself defended her. It’s not like Hillary said something nasty about vets being weak for have PTSD.

It’s not my intention to insult people who eat Hot Pockets. They are delicious and the pepperoni pizza is awesome. Taco Bell, meh. I lost my taste for the stuff in my 30’s. And I’ll never understand how anyone can drink Mountain Dew. It seems like crack in a bottle to me. People should stop drinking that stuff around the same time they reach the mature age where they stop putting ketchup on hot dogs.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Snake On A Plane


cjones09282016

Donald Trump is a pig and a bore.

During the debate Hillary Clinton brought up Trump’s derogatory comments toward women in the past.

After Alicia Machado won Trump’s 1996 Miss Universe pageant  Trump engaged in a shaming campaign against her. He was disappointed in her weight gain and referred to her as “Miss Piggy” and since she was Latina he called her “Miss Housekeeping.” He used her in promotions by making her exercise in front of the media and remarked “This is somebody who likes to eat.”

The morning after the debate Trump called in on Fox And Friends and defended his sexism by saying “She was the worst we ever had, the worst, the absolute worst. She was impossible. … And she gained a massive amount of weight, and it was a real problem.”

We were reminded of his comments regarding Rosie O’Donnell during the debate. In the past he referred to her as a pig and at the debate he said she deserved it and nobody felt sorry for her. I’m sure a lot of wife beaters have used the exact same defense. Trump has also called O’Donnell a “slob” with a “fat ugly face.” For a guy who’ll never be nicknamed “Bones,”  “Sticks,”  or “Slim Shady” Trump sure has weight issues.

He’s denied ever saying pregnancy is an inconvenience for businesses but he’s on tape saying it.

Donald Trump focuses more on his insecurities than he does on the details for the job he’s auditioning for. Not only do I not want the guy in the Oval Office, I wouldn’t want him in my car pool.

Trump’s ego got in his way at the debate which he didn’t prepare for and whined that it was unfair that Hillary Clinton was prepared. Hey, you got the same homework. One of you did it and the other spent his time holding rallies to feed his ego. I’m sure Trump paid “nerds” to do his homework in college and it’s too bad for him that he can’t outsource his debate.

Despite flailing like a sobbing, sniffling child Monday night Trump bragged about the polls that showed him winning the debate. Of course these polls were online polls where the voters can vote, refresh, vote, refresh, vote, refresh, etc. Breitbart is a dandy place to take the pulse of the nation, and yet he still only scored 80%. Perhaps he can get a letter from his doctor that declares his victory.

Trump wouldn’t be complete without the sexism to accompany his bigotry, racism, and all-out hatred.

Would you give an important job to someone with a “no fat chicks” sticker? Then why make him president? There’s a proverbial button in the White House and I don’t want Trump’s fat finger on it.

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Yuge Weiner News


cjones09012016

Anthony Weiner is a serial sexter.

For the Boy Scouts reading this, sexting is when you text a picture of your junk. You gotta know what I mean by “junk.” You’re on the internet.

Anthony Weiner is a former congressman from New York City. He let sexting destroy his congressional career in 2011. It almost destroyed his marriage to Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, but she hung in there (no pun intended).

The controversy kinda blew over (again, no pun intended) and in 2013 he ran for mayor of NYC…and guess what happened. Mr. Weiner got embroiled in another sexting scandal, this time under the alias “Carlos Danger.” He was not elected mayor. Abedin again, stuck it out (you’re gonna start thinking I’m doing these puns on purpose).

His wife has been in the center of controversies regarding the Clinton Foundation so the last thing she or the Clinton campaign needed was another assist by Mr. Weiner. As scheduled, Anthony trying to live up to his last name stuck his crotch into a camera phone…again. He said he was conversing with an old friend and there was nothing lewd about the pictures. This supposedly non-lewd picture, exposed by The New York Post (did I say “exposed?” I swear I’m not even trying), shows his and Abedin’s young son in the pic right next to Anthony’s crotch.

How did that come about? “Hey, check out my baby boy….and check out this bad boy.”

Who does that? You send a picture of your crotch next to your child? There’s a baby picture you don’t want coming up on your 16th birthday. Here I am with Daddy’s crotch. Anthony, you sick bastard.

Huma has had enough and she’s not taking anymore. She’s finally decided to separate from the Weiner man. Unless she’s texted him her decision he’s probably not aware of it. Right now everyone needs to calm down and hope nothing else stupid comes along.

Enter Donald Trump.

Trump, who’s apparently seriously and heavily invested in the Weiner relationship, sent out the statement “Huma is making a very wise decision. I know Anthony Weiner well, and she will be far better off without him.” If they get back together that’s gonna be so awkward for Trump next time they hangout.

Trump also used the couple’s personal issues to make an argument against voting for Clinton. He claimed it was unsafe for Clinton to have classified information around Abedin who would then take it home to her husband who would then text it out. Unless that information was written on Mr. Weiner’s penis I don’t think we’d be in any danger.

Trump is right. We should be very concerned about who the candidates have around classified information. What if one them had a Russian lobbyist as a campaign manager? That threatens the nation a lot more than Anthony’s ding-a-ling.

A few days ago when basketball player Dwyane Wade’s cousin was shot in Chicago Trump tweeted out how horrible it was and that African-Americans will be propelled be the event to vote for Trump.

Everything has to do with Donald Trump. Terrorist strike in Paris? Better vote for Trump. A gunman shoots up a gay nightclub in Orlando? Better vote for Trump. A young mother taking her baby out in a stroller gets shot on a sidewalk in Chicago ? Better vote for Trump. A famous person’s marriage implodes? Better vote for Trump. A dog crap on your lawn today? Better vote for Trump. Got the trots? Better vote for Trump. They cancelled Mike & Molly. Better vote for Trump.

There’s an argument that Trump is unfit to be president. Republican Ana Navarro said Trump is unfit to be human.

Trump says he knows Anthony Weiner very well and I believe that. They’re both sociopaths.

Better vote for Trump.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!