ChickFilA

Exciting Hater Franchising Opportunities

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You don’t hear a lot of news out of the nation of Brunei. Your average schmoe probably forgets it exists, if he even knew it in the first place.

Brunei is tiny and on the other side of the world. The population is only 430,000 people, which is fewer than the number living in Miami or Virginia Beach. Brunei actually owns a cattle farm in Australia that’s larger than Brunei.

Brunei is on the north coast of the island of Borneo, which is also occupied by portions of Malaysia and Indonesia. It’s classified as a developed country and has the second highest Human Development Index among southeast Asian nations after Singapore. Wealthy from oil production, it’s ranked fifth in the world by gross domestic product per capita and is only one of two nations with public debt at zero percent of the national GDP. It’s an absolute monarchy ruled by Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah, who is also the prime minister. One of the richest men in the world, the Sultan is said to own the world’s largest home and the biggest collection of rare cars. This economic, industrialized powerhouse is governed by Sharia Law and starting this week, the punishment for gay sex between men is death by stoning.

Sharia is Islamic law based on the Quran and other writings, though interpretations can vary widely. A statement from the Sultan’s office says, “Sharia, apart from criminalizing and deterring acts that are against the teachings of Islam. also aims to educate, respect and protect the legitimate rights of all individuals, society or nationality of any faiths and race.” I guess under Brunei’s Sharia Law, sexual orientation isn’t a “legitimate” right.

Brunei hasn’t executed anyone since 1957, but they’re pretty excited by the stoning idea. It will also apply as punishment for extramarital sex, anal sex, abortion, rape and some forms of blasphemy or heresy, like ridiculing the Quran or insulting the Prophet Muhammad. Theft and some other crimes will be punished merely by chopping off hands and feet. While dude-on-dude sex is death by stoning, lesbian sex will “only” be punished with 40 lashes.

Celebrities like George Clooney, Elton John, and Ellen DeGeneres have called for a boycott of luxury hotels owned by Brunei, which includes the Beverly Hills Hotel, the Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and the Dorchester in London. There are also calls to boycott Shell as they’re in the oil production business with Brunei. Maybe Brunei can look for foreign investment elsewhere.

Chick-fil-A was denied from operating in airports this week in Buffalo and San Antonio over their anti-LGBTQ positions and support for hate groups. Conservatives are calling this religious discrimination, ignoring that Chick-fil-A has donated millions to groups that discriminate against gays and lesbians, such as the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, the Paul Anderson Youth Home, and the Salvation Army, which it says “spread an anti-LGBTQ message,” and teach that homosexuality is a sin.  It’s also given to Exodus International, which supports gay conversion therapy, and the Family Research Council, which the Southern Poverty Law Center has classified as a hate group. Conservatives argue that the SPLC’s hate group ratings can’t be trusted because they’re biased against hate groups.

Chick-fil-A’s president and CEO Dan Cathy stated on a radio show in 2012, “I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.’ I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”

Do you know where else they’re worried about God’s judgment on their nation? Brunei. With Buffalo and San Antonio not working out for the homophobic chicken people, perhaps they could tempt the Sultan with some new and exciting franchising opportunities.

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Haz Mor Corupshun

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EPA Director Scott Pruitt’s defense that he used his position to unethically seek a Chick-fil-A franchise for his wife was that he really likes fried chicken. That’s like defending yourself of taking kickbacks by saying you really like money.

On Thursday at an event at FEMA HQ, Donald Trump said to Pruitt, “EPA is doing really, really well. Somebody has to say that about you a little bit, you know that, Scott.” Yeah. Somebody has to say it because nobody else is saying it.

Over 100 lawmakers, including Republicans, have called for Pruitt to resign or be fired. Chief of Staff John Kelly, who has defended a wife beater on his staff, has lobbied for Trump to fire Oklahoma Scottie. The restaurant in the White House basement in the West Wing has requested for Pruitt to stop eating there so much. One of his top aides, Millan Hupp, has resigned with reports saying she was tired of being “thrown under the bus.”

Pruitt may be the most corrupt member of Trump’s administration, which is a hefty accomplishment among shitweasels. He attempted to give Hupp a raise of over 50% and involved her in all sorts of schemes, from buying a used nasty mattress from the Washington Trump Hotel to goad Chick-fil-A into giving his wife a franchise. After hearing the rumors of what Trump had Russian prostitutes do to a mattress, that’s the last thing I’d want from a Trump hotel.

There are currently more than a dozen investigations into Pruitt’s scandals. So many in fact, that Republicans are trying to decrease funding for the watchdog agency tasked with the investigations. With that many investigations, a lot of people wonder why Pruitt still has his job. I’m wondering why he’s not in jail.

It’s a long list of scandals for Pruitt. They include him getting a cheapo rate for boarding at a lobbyist’s condo, excessive travel expenses and security, spending around $1,500 on fancy pens, attempting to spend mega bucks on a portrait of himself, buying a soundproof booth, buying expensive doors for his office, wanting his security to use their flashy lights and sirens so they can run red lights and get him to get him to French restaurants quicker, and the pay raises, Trump’s mattress, and now Chick-fil-A.

Let’s hope for Scottie that the investigations are also closed on Sundays.

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