Carly Fiorina

Trump, The Republican Nominee

Ted Cruz had a bad week. He was chewed out by a ten-year-old, lost a debate with hecklers, was accused of being the Zodiac Killer, his father was accused of killing JFK, he elbowed his wife in the face, his veep selection fell off a stage, and he lost the Republican nomination to an Oompa Loompa reality TV star. It was a really bad week.

Cruz said he needed to face Donald Trump one-on-one, and he’d win. He didn’t. He said Trump wouldn’t be able to secure the delegates needed to win the nomination. He was wrong. He said he’d be the next president of the United States. He was wrong. He said Carly Fiorina would be the next vice president of the United States. He was really wrong.

By next week he’ll be endorsing Trump, if not by Wednesday afternoon. Ted Cruz is just that kind of guy. Watch.

Now the GOP, the establishment, and the Stop Trump Movement are in the freak-out stage before they finally fall into acceptance. They could support John Kasich but that’s more ridiculous that Fiorina being the veep nominee.

Donald Trump will be the Republican nominee for the presidency of the United States. Donald Trump. The reality TV guy. The pathological liar. The philanderer. The man who insults minorities, women, and veterans. Donald Trump.

As much as Hillary Clinton may be detested and suspicious, she is going to be our next president. The electoral college doesn’t work out for the Republicans, even if their nominee wasn’t Mr. Bad Combover. You can’t win the presidency when the only majority you win are white guys.

The GOP has to decide to fight for a Trump presidency, or distance themselves so they don’t lose the House and Senate.

Some Republicans are actually jumping to Hillary. Hell froze over with Trump winning the nomination. Republicans supporting Hillary will bring a second layer of ice.

I’m saddened to see Cruz knocked out before the convention. I’m disappointed there won’t be a brokered convention. Yes, I still have Trump taking on Clinton in the general election and that should be fun. Maybe Kasich will enter a pie eating contest. Maybe Trump’s veep pick will be Sarah Palin. Maybe it’ll be Bristol Palin!

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Follow The Buzzards

I was fooling around on my tablet yesterday and sketched this out. I was just having fun but I went ahead and sent this to my newspaper clients.

Tomorrow, and Wednesday after the Indiana primary, will be very interesting. It will be funny if Carly Fiorina is the shortest vice presidential candidate in history.

Lucifer Cruz

Nobody likes Ted Cruz, unless they’re creepy and icky also. That would make us very suspicious of Carly Fiorina if we weren’t already aware that there’s something wrong with her. They are both liars without any ethics. Fiorina especially prolonged the lie about the videos of Planned Parenthood that encouraged a terrorist to attack a clinic in Colorado, then justified her encouragement. Today, Cruz continues the lie. Basically, they would be the pond scum of humanity if pond scum didn’t have any morals, somewhat likability and charm in comparison.

I drew this while hanging out with friends and watching the Washington Capitals beat the Pittsburgh Penguins in overtime. While everyone else is drinking and screaming at the TVs, I’m the lame dork sitting at a bar drawing a cartoon.

I really don’t like Ted Cruz. I really don’t like Carly Fiorina. They are a perfect match. They are disgusting and deplorable humans, if they are actually humans. I have about seven more cartoon ideas for these two. Maybe I’ll get around to drawing one.

Former Speaker of the House John Boehner came out and said that Ted Cruz is “Lucifer in the flesh” and that he’s a “miserable son of a bitch.” One of my conservative cartoonist brethren posted a meme of Boehner hanging out with Obama as if that disqualifies Boehner’s judgement. You can disagree with a person’s politics and still like them personally. Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill figured that out. Conservatives today can’t fathom the idea. John Boehner agrees with Ted Cruz more than he agrees with Barack Obama, yet he doesn’t want to be in the same room with Ted Cruz. That’s not hard to figure out. Have you seen the guy?

Ted Cruz is the one person that has never had the experience of a friend calling him out of the blue in the middle of the week and saying “hey, do you want to go out and get a burger?” He hasn’t had the experience of having a friend.

There is not a person who is rational who likes Ted Cruz or Carly Fiorina. Here’s a judgement of character: Anyone who likes them personally should be ejected out of your atmosphere, unfriended, blocked on your cellphone, email, and just totally disregarded. Don’t talk to that person. That guy probably spent their entire college years in a bathrobe, like Ted Cruz, hanging out by the girls’ shower and freaking them out.

I bought a doggy chew toy of Ted Cruz for my dog. He wouldn’t play with it but he did bury it in the back yard. Now there’s a 30 foot radius around the hole where the grass is dying.

Nobody likes Ted Cruz. I would say he’s “Lucifer in the flesh,” except that might offend Dick Cheney enough to shoot me in the face.

I’m really glad Ted Cruz has the premature condition to choose a running mate, and it’s Carly Fiorina. People like that should be grouped together. It makes it easier to keep an eye on them…and run when they get too close.

If those two are actually the nominees for the GOP, I’m not as much concerned about what they want to DO for America as much as I am for what they want do TO America.

Carly FoisTED

Didn’t Ted Cruz lose FIVE primaries Tuesday night? So why in the blue blazes of Hell is he picking a running mate? He referred to her as his “nominee.” I’m not sure she can be a nominee until he’s a nominee. But hey, I’m looking for logic where there isn’t any.

Cruz announcing his veep selection is like bringing office decorations to your job interview. If he loses Indiana next week is he going to start appointing ambassadors?

So why is Ted Cruz announcing a running mate now, before he has the nomination? Probably because he has very little chance of winning the nomination. Maybe this will get more votes. He also wants to talk about something else besides getting his ass kicked Tuesday. He doesn’t want anyone to be reminded that Trump won over 50% of Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Delaware, and Connecticut, a feat Cruz has been boasting Trump could not accomplish in any state. Trump carried every single county in Pennsylvania, a very diverse state. Maybe Ted needs someone on his ticket who’s more delusional, less successful, less ethical, and a bigger liar than he is. After she sang during her speech he might have picked someone creepier. OK, he didn’t..but close.

Maybe he wanted a pretty face. Uhh…..yeah. I shouldn’t go there. Ted went there. He reminded us several times while announcing Carly that a lot of people don’t think she’s attractive.

Ted says we need to select a leader with good judgement. He picked Carly Fiorina. He says A people pick A people and B people pick C people. Ted showed us what a F person chooses.

Carly is more delusional than Ted to accept this offer. Most people won’t accept his phone calls. Ted picked a person who doesn’t have any great accomplishments. She ran a company into the ground, dropped their stock, and fired a massive amount of people. Let’s not forget her highly unsuccessful run for the U.S. Senate in California. As Trump points out, you don’t see her getting any job offers. That is, except from Ted Cruz, and this one doesn’t pay.

Even if this was to be taken seriously, Fiorina does not balance the ticket. She has zero foreign policy experience. No legislative experience. Her hardcore conservatism is a mirror image to Cruz. They both enjoy lying about Planned Parenthood. She’s Cruz without the penis, we think. She can’t even deliver California, where she doesn’t live anymore. Cruz may have tried to pick someone who wouldn’t overshadow him with charisma.

I only have one question for anyone who supports this ticket: Why do you hate America?

Cruz and Fiorina are ugly and disgusting. I’m talking about their personalities, policies, and what they intend to do to this country. So yeah, I made fun of their physical features to express that.

Another Tablet Sketch: Carly Loves Ted

I made a comment yesterday about Carly Fiorina endorsing Ted Cruz. It was regarding how Fiorina and Ted have run the two most dishonest presidential campaigns this year….so far. Listen to both their comments regarding Planned Parenthood. Egad the lies!

A reader told me she felt a cartoon was coming on the subject. I told her there wasn’t. Carly isn’t really cartoon-worthy anymore. Not at this point anyway. But she and Ted are both worth some drawing practice on the tablet. I mean, look at those faces!

Do you know what the thing is about drawing on a tablet? It’s not so much getting used to the size of the screen, the drawing program, or the stylus. It’s getting used to drawing on glass that’s on top of paper. It’s like drawing with the tip of your pen a quarter of a centimeter above your canvas while you feel like you’re making contact. Yeah, that’s still screwing with me. But I am loving the way the colors are meshing like a real painting. I am hoping to add this technique to my “official” cartoons in the future, after this old dog learns the new trick. Though it will probably add to the time it takes to color a cartoon.

Idiocracy

The 2006 film Idiocracy is about a future where mankind dumbs down. Society consists of nothing but stupid people. A man from our present is put into a deep sleep and wakes up in this future and he’s persecuted for being smart. Does that sound familiar? Not the waking up in the future part, but the part of being ridiculed for being intelligent.

In this fictional future quantity is placed above quality. Carl’s Jr sells Extra Big Ass Fries and Extra Big Ass Tacos. Entertainment includes an Oscar winning movie titled “Ass”, and that’s all it is. One ass. The top television show features nothing but hits to the groin (Have you ever seen TruTV? They have shows that revolve around people injuring themselves). People get degrees at Costco (Trump University, anyone?).

Science is disregarded for commerce. A Gator Aid like drink is used to water crops and the government wonders why nothing is growing. Cities suffer massive landslides of garbage.

The film is set hundreds of years in the future but it seems we’re not that far off. We have elected officials that ignore science, even when nearly every scientist in the world tells them Climate Change is a problem. They watch cities and even nations (the Marshall Islands are disappearing) get ravaged by climate and they believe it doesn’t exist because it snows in Buffalo in January. The chairman of the Senate committee of Environment and Public Works is throwing snowballs on the Senate floor. In the movie they don’t want to put water on crops because water is what’s in the toilet.

Republicans refute Bill Nye the Science Guy because his title rhymes with his name and he wears a funny tie. They hate scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson because he puts science over religion and they consider him a geek. In the film they say of the smart guy “he talks like a fag”.

The one area the future in this film doesn’t exhibit is mass racism, which is something today’s Republican party is inviting.

Today we have candidates who lie, and after being caught, defend the lie and their supporters still believe them. They pander to xenophobia and racists and then wonder why their party is full of so much hatred. The top candidates for the GOP nomination has zero to very little public office experience. The top candidate in the polls is running on a platform of replacing Obamacare with “something better.” Voters who don’t like Obama because he’s an elitist with a high opinion of himself love Donald Trump. People believe the answer to gun violence is more guns, which would be like fighting cancer by introducing more cancer. A town in North Carolina has rejected a solar farm because they believe it will “suck up all the sun’s energy.”

I don’t believe the Republican party is stupid. Not all of it anyway. I don’t think all of the candidates are unintelligent. But they are definitely selling policies to those who are. Fear, hate, and dumb solutions are top sellers. They are all in a contest for the stupid vote.

Maybe this cartoon is stupid. If so, it should be a big hit.

Freedom, Fear And Hummus

I’m exhausted. I’m tired of the militant gun crowd screaming for more guns. I’m tired of Republicans who believe it’s OK to sell guns to people they put on the no-fly list. Mostly I’m tired of bigotry and the support it’s gaining.

Obama issued a rare Oval Office address Sunday night in attempt to beef up confidence in his handling of ISIS. He also appealed for the public to be rational toward those of the Islamic faith.

While the public has very little faith in the president’s handling of terrorism, the Republican candidates are scaring the Hell out of those who are more pragmatic.

The GOP candidates aren’t just selling fear. They’re selling hate, bigotry and outright racism. Most of them are calling for the rejection of Syrian refugees entering the country (though there hasn’t been any acts of terrorism by anyone who entered the country through the refugee process). Trump says we should kill the terrorists’ families and put mosques under surveillance. Ted Cruz wants to strip citizenship of suspected terrorists and responded to the latest mass shooting by holding a rally at a gun range. Even the most mainstream of the candidates, Jeb Bush, says we should only accept Christian refugees. Worst of all, they’re selling the fear that you’re not safe unless you own a semi-automatic weapon and carry it with you at all times.

The candidates bigotry wouldn’t be so alarming if it wasn’t gaining so much support. That’s what I’m tired of. I’m tired of people blaming Muslims and trying to smear the entire faith as violent. I’m tired of people who are only concerned with Muslim killers, but not white killers, or Christian killers.

In other news, many of the Republican candidates spoke to the Jewish Coalition. Of course they pandered. Every candidate, Republican and Democrat pander to whatever group they’re speaking to at the time. But some of these guys really got into the stereotypes. Jim Gilmore (yes, he’s still in the race) said he’s seen Schindler’s List. Jeb Bush informed the crowd that he knows what Hannukah is. Ted Cruz said a vote for Hillary is a vote for the Ayatollah to nuke Israel. John Kasich said if you want a good friend, find one who’s Jewish. Rick Santorum mentioned he worked with a Jew in the Senate. Donald Trump told them he knows how much they like their money and how good of negotiators they are. I’m shocked none of the candidates referred to Obama as a schlemiel.

The funniest part was Ben Carson who seemed to be reading directly from a Wikipedia entry. In referencing Hamas, Ben Carson pronounced it “hummus.” Apparently the good doctor has never had a conversation in his life about the Middle East and heard the proper pronunciation. Let’s just hope he never orders an appetizer of Hamas with flat bread.

Shooting Colorado

If I had much better business sense I wouldn’t draw this cartoon at this time. Being that it’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving this will be one of the first editorial cartoons on the issue. I should draw the Rocky Mountains crying and that cartoon would be reprinted in USA Today. Really.

Maybe I’m jumping, no pun intended, the gun. We don’t know the shooter’s motives. Yes he went into a Planned Parenthood clinic and started shooting. But there are other establishments in the vicinity. Perhaps he had a vendetta against Super Cuts. If I am wrong I will call myself out on this blog.

A gunman went into a Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood clinic Friday and had a six hour standoff with police. One police officer and two civilians were killed. Four other police officers and five civilians were injured. The suspect eventually surrendered and is now in custody.

Every time a policeman is shot the talking heads at Fox News says the Black Lives Matter movement is complicit. Whenever there’s violence at an abortion clinic then it’s just a lone lunatic.

The “pro life” crowd is full of lunatics. They don’t seem to have morals or ethics when it comes to furthering their agenda. Lying is acceptable, as Carly Fiorina and others have proven. Spreading lies that PP is harvesting dead children, calling them murderers, and saying they’re engaging in a holocaust is not engaging into a civil debate. Neither is standing outside a clinic screaming at people who are making the most difficult decision of their lives. Operation Rescue’s leadership includes a member who’s a convicted felon who attempted to bomb an abortion clinic. The same group posted a doctor’s home and church address on their website before he was murdered.

Four abortion clinics have been targets for arson this year alone.

An antiabortion group conducted a sting operation and secretly filmed Planned Parenthood clinics. The videos were presented as evidence PP was breaking laws and selling aborted fetuses body parts and making profits from the sales. The videos have all be proven to be doctored. Seven states have investigated PP and every single one has found them innocent of all the accusations. Still, Republican candidates are spreading the lies and Congress wants hearings on PP, not the group that made the videos.

The pro life crowd is pretty quiet over the shooting. If the shooter was a black guy or a Muslim they would have made a LOT of noise by now for more guns, profiling and limits on immigration. It’s really too bad for them the shooter is a white guy.

None of the fourteen Republican political candidates, as of this writing, have expressed anything about the shooting. A lot of pro life people have actually expressed support for the shooter. A “friend” of mine actually wrote “yawn” in response to the coverage of the shooting and followed it up with an argument of how many babies have been aborted. These are truly horrible people. The people who express so much concern over terrorism sure are quiet and even supportive of it sometimes.

The label “pro life” is being seriously abused.

Sitting At The Adults’ Table

It wasn’t hard finding a lie for each of these candidates. The hard part was deciding which lies to use.

It is funny that the more ridiculous the candidate, the higher he or she polls. Though I must say I’m going to miss Carly and Dr. Ben after they’re done crashing.

That’s what happens after too much turkey.

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Debate Terms

The Republicans have submitted debate demands to the networks. These include:

No “gotcha” questions. Basically any question a candidate can’t answer, like how their math doesn’t add up, is a gotcha question.

Nobody can bring props which really disappoints me. I was really hoping to see Ted Cruz make balloon animals.

They want a ten minute break. Apparently none of the candidates has a strong bladder. They’re not Hillary Clinton who can be grilled for 11 hours.

Each candidate will get a 30-second opening statement which was negotiated down from Ben Carson’s plan of 30-minute opening statements.

No lightning rounds which is sad because I was hoping candidates would get struck by lightning for each fib.

The temperature has to be kept at 67 degrees. I think this was a Rubio demand since they won’t let him bring a cooler on stage.

Donald Trump has said screw the Republican Party’s negotiations and he’ll negotiate separately. Does that mean the room will be like a fancy car’s air system where the area over Trump’s podium will be kept at a different temperature? Will Trump negotiate a lifeline?

I think I drew the candidates in bikinis a couple of months ago. I can’t remember when or what point I was making (I just looked it up. I drew them as transgenders and it was published June 2). I usually can’t remember what I drew yesterday. However I do remember that yesterday I drew soldiers in women’s heels. I don’t know why I like drawing guys in drag. I’m not right. I’m going to blame it on watching too many Bugs Bunny cartoons as a kid. I also like the idea that somewhere soon someone will gag on their Cheerios while reading their morning paper. I also get small pleasure when someone informs me I made them spit coffee on their keyboard.

You read these cartoons at your own risk. You know how warped my mind is.

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claytoonz

Nationally Syndicated Editorial Cartoonist