I have tried to talk to Trump sycophants so I can understand what makes them tick. Why would they sell their soul and dignity for a stupid person like Donald Trump? But I can’t do it anymore. It’s not that I want to sit in my little bubble and only hear my readers agree with me. I actually enjoy hearing people disagree with me. But anytime you challenge a Trump sycophant on policy, they typically respond with a meme. You can’t have an intelligent discussion of ideas with someone who replies with a picture of Willy Wonka calling you a snowflake. It seems you really have to believe in the stupidity coming out of the White House to defend Donald Trump. That is unless you work in the White House.
As it turns out, the people who actually know Trump and are paid to go on TV and sell his bullshit know he’s a certified dumbass.
A new book called Fire and Fury, obviously titled after one of Trump’s threats to North Korea, came out yesterday quoting White House staffers and revealing what they really think of Donald Trump. We probably won’t hear “fire and fury” from Trump anymore. If a book about Trump’s tiny penis comes out called Little Rocket Man, he’ll probably stop using that phrase too.
The book, written by Michael Wolff, reveals that almost everyone in the White House uses about 20 different words to describe Trump as an idiot. It says nobody, including Trump, expected him to win the election, Melania was assured he’d lose (she cried when he won…along with a lot of other people), and the entire campaign thought of losing as winning and it would be a great money-making opportunity.
Wolff does state at the beginning of the book that some material may not be entirely accurate, as some quotes are told through other sources. But, Wolff sat in the White House for months overhearing much of the subject matter, which tells you right there how dumb Trump is for allowing this. Trump thought Wolff was writing a pro-Trump book. Wolff also claims he has hours of tape to validate many of the claims in the book.
The juiciest revelation is that Steve Bannon craps on everybody. Trump has now disowned Bannon and claims he never had direct access to him and had no effect on his campaign. I’m surprised Trump didn’t call Bannon, who once had clearance to sit on the National Security Council, a coffee boy. Trump said that Bannon has “lost his mind,” while not contradicting any of the book’s claims.
Bannon says that the three top guys in the Trump campaign, Trump Jr., Paul Manafort, and Jared Kushner, meeting with Russians in Trump Tower was treasonous and that there’s no way they didn’t take the “jumos” one flight up to meet Trump Sr. There’s still much speculation over the definition of “jumo.”
Other details claim Trump and Melania were arguing on Inauguration Day. Ivanka made fun of her father’s comb-over, and that she and Jared have an agreement she will run for president in the future while Jared (described as an ass kisser) holds her purse.
It claims Rupert Murdoch called Trump a “fucking idiot,” which puts him in a very large club in and out of the White House.
Trump clashed with White House housekeeping. Staff members were told not to touch his belongings, especially his toothbrush. If he leaves a shirt on the floor, the staff is ordered not to touch it. Trump has his own separate bedroom from Melania and sits in bed around 6:00 PM every evening eating cheeseburgers while talking on the phone with friends (who then leak the conversations to the press). Trump requested a lock on his door which the Secret Service denied. He requested two additional televisions to be installed in his room, giving him a total of three, so he could watch TV Elvis style. Remember, Trump claims he doesn’t actually watch that much television despite constantly quoting Fox & Friends through tweets during their program.
Trump eats McDonald’s so often because he’s paranoid someone will poison him. His rationale is that McDonald’s doesn’t know you’re coming and the food is already prepared, so they can’t poison you. If that guy can eat old Big Macs it explains the burned steaks with ketchup. I personally find it impossible to eat a Big Mac older than ten minutes.
Trump’s staff believes him to be semi-literate. This I believe. Wolff writes that Trump doesn’t read and doesn’t even skim articles, briefings, or reports. Former Deputy Chief of Staff Katie Walsh reportedly said working with Trump is “like trying to figure out what a child wants.” If you have ever witnessed Trump reading during a speech, you realize it’s like that slow kid in third grade who slowed down the entire class every time it was his turn to read aloud. Except, that slow kid’s teeth probably didn’t fall out while he was reading.
Sam Nunberg, an early aide to the Trump campaign, recalled explaining the Constitution to Trump and said he could only get as far as the Fourth Amendment before Trump’s finger started “pulling down on his lip and his eyes rolled back in his head.”
My favorite quote in the book supposedly comes from an email sent by Gary Cohn, the director of the National Economic Council, which says, “Trump is less a person than a collection of terrible traits.” Yeah.
The most reported stuff is from Steve Bannon, who allowed himself to be quoted by Wolff.
Bannon believes Don Jr. will be a target for Special Counsel Robert Mueller over money laundering, and said, “they’re going to crack Don Junior like an egg on national TV.” He also goes after Jared and Ivanka and believes Jared will be targeted for money laundering, just like Junior.
Trump’s lawyers have issued a cease and desist to Bannon which is laughable. Bannon may have signed a non-disclosure agreement, but that wouldn’t apply after the campaign. Bannon worked for the American people in the White House, not Donald Trump.
The fun part of this is to see who wins who in the Trump/Bannon divorce. Bannon has already lost a major resource for funding Breitbart (you didn’t actually believe that publication made money on its own merits, did you?).
Nicole Wallace theorized that Trump will win Sean Hannity and Bannon will get Breitbart. I’m thinking deeper. Who gets the Nazis and who gets the pedophiles? Bannon better hire some good lawyers, or he’ll end up with Eric.
Creative notes: Sometimes you have to talk through an idea with another person before it can click in your own head. I was throwing this at my friend Karen and getting her input on famous breakups. The people I kept coming up with were seriously outdated, and she being cooler than I am, threw out names that are so trendy, I have no idea who they are. Who the hell are Blake Shelton and what’s-her-head? See? I already forgot half the couple? Meanwhile, the people I was thinking of were Burt and Loni, Kiefer and Julia, Lenny and Lisa, Madonna and Sean, and David Lee Roth and Van Halen. Crap I’m old.
I was open to using a fictional couple and I liked the idea of using the couple from that teenage-lovesick-vampire movie. I thought it made the cartoon dumber, which to me is funnier, but after Googling for the names I was afraid I wouldn’t be the only one to say “who?” after reading the cartoon. Maybe, if those vampires had broken up this year it would have worked for the cartoon. Plus, I’m not sure if they broke up and got back together to live in eternal vampire happiness.
Karen agreed that Brad and Angelina worked better as everyone knows who they are.
I told my friend this is the living hell my head puts me through on a daily basis. I ask my friends a lot of really stupid questions that make them worry about me.
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