Alligator

Trumpy Gator Balls


cjones04082019

Golfer Arnold Palmer has been quoted, “I never do a business deal until I played 18 holes with a guy.” The logic is that in four hours (which I’m assuming is how long it takes to play 18 holes), you can’t hide who you are. If you’re nice, pleasant, honest, rude, impatient, or a cheater, it’s going to come out. I’ve heard golfers claim that you play life the way you play golf. A good argument for that analogy’s veracity is Donald Trump. 

Trump cheats at golf. Shocking, right? Sports writer Rick Reilly has written a book, Commander in Cheat, that chronicles the way Trump plays golf and operates as a course owner and operator. Reilly examines the way Trump’s courses resemble mini golf with waterfalls (all that’s missing is shooting the ball into a clown’s mouth, but he owns the course), and despite his claim of having the greatest courses in the world, not one of them is included in the top 150 in America. What’s really intriguing are the multiple details of Trump’s cheating and his lack of respect for the game he loves so much.

Trump was very critical of the time Obama spent playing golf as president. Trump even criticized his golf game. He promised he’d be too busy as president to play golf and that he’d never leave the White House. Of course, he lied. According to the website Trump Golf Count, he’s visited his courses as president 77 times as of March 31 (if you’re a Republican, that was three days ago), at a cost of $95,000,000. Basically, we’re paying for Trump to cheat at golf.

Reilly has documented that of the 18 club championships Trump claims, maybe only two are legitimate. He’s even claimed two championships he didn’t play in, once when he was at a different course. When he’s actually playing in a game, he’s known to cheat. He kicks his ball so often that caddies have given him the nickname “Pelé.”

Trump doesn’t just move his ball, he’ll move his opponents. Once, after his ball had gone into the water, he stole a ball belonging to a teenager. The book also documents that Trump once threw Sportscaster Mike Tirico’s ball into a bunker after it was only ten feet from the hole. Trump claims a 2.8 handicap, but everyone Reilly speaks to says it’s more like a 7 or an 8.

He disrespects the game other ways too. He always tees off first, even if he didn’t win the last hole. He drives his carts on the green. He also drives his cart down the fairway before the other golfers have hit their drives.

Trump is like a child who has to have the biggest piece of cake. He always has to win, even if he didn’t. After cheating, which is always obvious to those he played with, he brags to them about winning, being oblivious to the fact they know. You don’t hit the ball seven times then tell Tiger Woods you’re playing for a birdie. Tiger knows.

Just like golf, Trump cheats at life. He steals from charities. He cheats on his taxes. He cheats contractors. He cheats lenders. He cheats on his wives. He cheated by stealing a Supreme Court seat, then cheated by having the rules of confirmation changed. And of course, he cheated when he stole an election with the help of Russia. Just like in golf, he thinks if he lies about it then nobody will notice.

It’s also cheating when he betrays our trust. We were aware that Trump gave high-level security clearances to Ivanka and Jared after they were rejected, but now we have learned he’s done it for others at least 25 times. Trump has the authority to grant security clearances to whoever he wants to receive them, but when we elect people, we expect them to use their powers responsibly. No rational person has ever expected Donald Trump to act responsibly, but his handing out security clearances like candy is a threat to national security. For the love of god, Jared has been communicating with the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia through WhatsApp. Trump’s cheating is a danger to the nation.

People who play golf with Trump or work at his clubs enable him by nodding along when he boasts about his prowess as a golfer, all while they know he’s cheating and lying. At least in their cases, he’s either paying them or buying their lunch. His supporters also enable his lies by continuing to support and defend him, which doesn’t make any sense at all. Trump’s not buying their lunch.

Discovering that Trump cheats at everything is about as surprising as learning he’s a vile, ugly, horrible person without any regard for anything that’s not named Trump. Reilly says he wrote his book on Trump’s cheating, not from being offended as a voter but as a golfer. Personally, when it comes to Trump, I’m offended as a human being.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
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Beware Of Tourists


cjones06202016

I have drawn more cartoons in the past week with alligators and crocodiles than cartoons with Donald Trump. I’ll try to move on after this unless Donald Trump makes a comment about how much “the” gators love him.

After a child was snatched by a gator in Florida there’s been a lot of debate about how Disney could have prevented the attack. I don’t think there’s much they could have done. Many people point out that Disney does have signs on their property warning tourists about the presence of alligators, but none at the area where the family suffered the tragedy.

Would more signs work? Maybe.

During the 2000’s my city of Fredericksburg had a problem with drownings in the Rappahannock River. Most of the drownings were Spanish speaking immigrants. The city put up signs in English and Spanish and it seems to have worked. After several drownings it seems they stopped after the signs went up. Don’t tell Trump because he might send Chris Christie down here to tear them down.

There was also a big issue about cars being towed in the city. Tourists were parking downtown at a convenience store across the street from a very expensive restaurant. There were signs warning that their cars would be towed, but the tourists would ignore them and later write letters to the editor complaining about their vehicles being towed.

Having your vehicle towed isn’t the same tragedy as drowning or being snatched by an alligator, but the comparison is interesting. My editor at the time wanted me to draw a cartoon attacking the tow companies. I thought the towers were a bunch of vultures but at the same time I didn’t want to defend stupidity. My editor argued that the tourists, being from out of town, weren’t as aware of the danger of their vehicles being towed. I argued that they kinda had it coming. There were signs and the tourists were usually from a place like Fairfax, not Guatemala.

The comparison I found interesting is that the Spanish speaking immigrants were good with signs. Stuck up tourists from Northern Virginia, not so much.

The tourists who lost their child are from Nebraska. Would they have paid attention to a sign warning of alligators? Who knows. They don’t have alligators in Nebraska. Nebraska has corn and tornadoes. A Nebraskan might have heard about the danger of large lizards, but kinda shrug it off because who can actually fathom their child being grabbed by an alligator? Alligators are not a common hazard for them.

Louisiana and Florida each has over a million alligators. They’re a larger problem in Florida as that state has more people, more cities, more urban areas, more development, and more tourist attractions like Disney. Louisiana doesn’t have as much development where the alligators hang out. When tourists visit Louisiana they’re more likely visit New Orleans where you’re more likely to be snatched by a transvestite hooker than an alligator. Other dangers in The Big Easy are muggers, stabbers, and corrupt cops. You’d rather face an alligator.

Online couch sitting parenting experts are also saying that Disney should physically remove the alligators. Good luck with that. Male alligators are territorial and they like their own space. They will travel over 30 miles to find it. You can’t fence them out as they can actually climb fences. They’re not real smart (maybe sporting a higher IQ than tourists from Fairfax), but persistent. If Floridians can’t keep them out of their pools how can Disney be expected to keep them out of their lagoons? On top of all that, if an alligator is fed by a human just once, that alligator starts losing his fear of humans and starts associating them with snacks and the next thing you know, you lost a Schnauzer.

Even though alligators are extremely dangerous, it’s very unlikely to be attacked by one unless you’re a schnauzer (another stupid creature. I know. I had one. It once ate a paycheck which it found in the inside pocket of a jacket that was hanging up). Humans are more of a threat to them and probably not as tasty as a schnauzer.

More signs should be put up but honestly, there might be a better chance of the gators paying attention to them than the tourists.

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Is That An Alligator In Your Pocket?


cjones06172016

I know. Go ahead and give it to me. This is very insensitive and has poor timing. I’m not good with sensitive or sacred cows…or in this case, reptiles. At least I didn’t go with my first heartless idea which consisted of an alligator eating Mickey Mouse. Pissing off the NRA, Trump, and Republicans I’m good with. Disney on the other hand….ugh.

If there was a huge money-making alligator industry and rednecks used them to overcompensate for their tiny penises, there would be a trade organization buying off congressmen to make sure anyone could buy an alligator at any time.

Right now the Democrats in the U.S. Senate are conducting a filibuster to force the Republicans to schedule a vote on gun control. This has totally stopped all Senate business….which means it’s pretty much like any day in the Senate.

Republicans HATE to talk about gun control. The only issue they hate talking about more is Donald Trump. If you really wanna flummox a GOP office holder, ask him about Trump’s revolving position on guns.

Creative note: I’ve had a theme with alligators the past few days. Last week I drew Donald Trump with alligator arms (played that off a Geico commercial). Today I drew a commissioned cartoon with crocodiles for a brand new client that’s based outside the United States (Claytoonz is going international. You’ll see it Friday). Now today I drew this. I can’t help it. I like reptiles.

I really like reptiles. I once worked in the reptile house of a small zoo in northeast Louisiana in the late 1980’s. My favorite story from that brief adventure comes from the day we cleaned the alligator pool. I didn’t do any actual cleaning but it was my job to keep the gators and Alligator Snapping Turtles away from the cleaners. I was armed only with a stick. There were five gators in the tank. They were all under six feet long except for this one mother. Before we could drain the pool we had to get one gator out which we did with a lasso. That took several hours. Some genius designed the pool where the drain was in the deep end and had to be manually unplugged. Nobody likes diving with alligators.

The alligators cooperated for the most part. The turtles, not so much. In fact, the turtles concerned me a lot more than the gators.

A large chunk of my childhood was spent in Louisiana. When I was a kid my older sister and I swam in a bayou with them. As a teenager my buddies and I swam in the same water. We never had an issue. When I was around ten or eleven we actually had two pet baby alligators, which was and still is illegal. I didn’t know that at the time and thankfully, the statute of limitations has long passed. We only had them for about a week. They weren’t as cuddly as we thought they might be. I got bit a lot. They never bit my sister once.

I do feel really bad for the parents who lost a child this week in Orlando to an alligator attack. That city had one tragic week. Losing a child under any circumstance is a horrible thing to live with. I know. It’s something I’ve been very close to. I’m sure Disney will never make this family wait in line for Pirates Of The Caribbean ever again.

A lot of people are asking questions about the parents, just like when that Cincinnati gorilla thing happened. Thing is, things happen. This is a freak occurrence that’s a true tragedy. I don’t think there are any safety measures that can prevent something like this happening once in a million years, especially after you build tourist resorts on a swamp.

Before posting this I searched for hashtags and one of them is “Disney Gator” which sounds a lot happier than it really is.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!