Alabama

Some Alabama Strange


cjones09282017

The day before the runoff vote in the Alabama Republican primary for the U.S. Senate, Vice-President Mike Pence was campaigning for Luther Strange. Pence said, “I stand for Luther.” Being that Pence refuses to be alone in a room with a woman who is not his wife, I cracked on social media that Pence would never say, “I stand for Strange.” Get it? Strange, as in getting some strange? At least two people understood it on Facebook. Never mind.

The GOP establishment wanted them some strange, and some strange is what they got. Now, the only thing standing between a gun-totin’, religious zealot, right-wing fanatic from becoming a United States Senator is his Democratic opponent. Unfortunately for liberals, a Democrat winning a statewide race in Alabama has about as much of a chance as a Democrat winning a statewide race in Alabama. It’s not happening. I dare Alabama to prove me wrong.

Roy Moore is the anti-establishment Republican. Did I mention he’s a zealot? If, and when he’s elected, he will be the most radical and scary senator in the Senate. Yes, I’m aware Ted Cruz is still a senator. He’s that freaking bad. Every senator, even the Republicans, can’t stand Ted Cruz. Yet, this guy makes Ted Cruz look like Fozzie Bear.

Roy Moore was the Chief Justice on the Alabama Supreme Court. He decided that he needed to erect a display of the Ten Commandments in the court. He refused to take them down after a court order told him to remove it. He got kicked off the court. So, since Supreme Court justices in Alabama are elected, he ran for the office again…and won. And, got kicked off again. The second time he was booted from office was because he directed probate judges to continue to enforce the state’s ban on same-sex marriage after the U.S. Supreme Court struck down that ban.

Roy Moore hates gays so much that he once issued an opinion that the state should punish homosexual behavior. He also opined that a parent’s sexual orientation (in this circumstance, homosexuality) should be a factor in refusing custody. He hates gays so much, I expect him to be busted in a men’s room stall in Dupont Circle.

Moore believes in the supremacy of God’s law over man’s. When he was a circuit court judge, he would open sessions with a prayer beseeching Divine Guidance for jurors in their deliberations. In at least one instance, Moore asked a clergyman to lead the court’s jury pool in prayer. Hey, guess how you can get out of jury duty in Alabama.

In case you’re still thinking, “gee…that still doesn’t sound too bad.” Well then, hold my coffee. Did I mention that Dudley-Do-Fuck is a birther, and he still believes Obama was not born in the United States? He also believes that a Muslim should not be allowed to serve in the United States Congress, taking issue with Minnesota representative Keith Ellison. He claims Sharia Law is being implemented in Illinois (Yankee state). He has suggested the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks happened because America has turned away from God. On top of all that, he’s spoken to white-supremacists groups, where I’m sure some of the attendees were “very fine people.”

Just in case there were some voters in Alabama not finding him scary enough, he brought a revolver on stage with him at his Monday night rally and waved it around. If Luther Strange was smart, he would have brought a bigger gun on stage and had mocked Moore’s tiny pistol. But, these are Republicans. They’re not smart.

Republicans were so scared of Moore, that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who can’t do anything right lately, had his super PAC raise millions of dollars for Strange. He even got Donald Trump to campaign for Strange, even though Moore is just the kind of fuck nuts that should appeal to Trump. Obviously, he appealed to Trump’s voters in Alabama where Cheeto Potentate still has ridiculously high approval ratings.

Strange had serious baggage. He was the Attorney General for Alabama, and he was supposed to be investigating the governor who was doing all sorts of illegal shenanigans to cover up the fact he was boinking a staffer who was not his wife (I still have nightmares over those sexual tape recordings. Old, crotchety, craggly-ass Alabama Republicans are not sexy). The governor took care of that investigation by appointing Strange to the Senate after Jeff Sessions was confirmed as the Trump’s Attorney General (though he was eventually tossed out of office).

Trump didn’t have much enthusiasm with his endorsement. At a rally last Friday in Huntsville, Trump spent most of the time talking about himself (shocking), and the NFL anthem protesters. While Strange was standing on the same stage, Trump stated, “I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake.” He even expressed concern with how the media would play it for him if Strange lost.

Moore held rallies with Sarah Palin, the Duck Dynasty weirdos, and Trump’s former chief strategist, Steve Bannon. Bannon suggested to Fox News that Trump was duped into supporting Strange. Thanks for admitting what we already know, that Trump is a sucker. We’ve seen his retweets.

At Moore’s rally on Monday, Bannon argued for the anti-establishment platform. He said, “Mitch McConnell and this permanent political class is the most corrupt and incompetent group of individuals in this country. They think you’re a pack of morons. They think you’re nothing but rubes.” Well, yeah. They’re kinda counting on it, but so is Bannon. This guy and a bunch of Russians helped convince 62 million rubes to vote for Trump.

These guys do not like Mitch McConnell. Moore attacked the Majority Leader at the same rally and said in the past that he’ll vote against McConnell remaining Majority Leader. I predict some awkward moments after Moore arrives in Washington.

For Republicans, Moore’s victory is bad news. They were looking forward to spending all their money on defeating Democrats in 2018 and increasing their Senate majority. But now, Moore’s victory will give other anti-establishment troglodytes inspiration to run against GOP incumbents, which will make Republicans spend their money before they even face the Democrats. Senators Jeff Flake of Arizona, Dean Heller of Nevada, and Roger Wicker of Mississippi may have trouble in their primaries. Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee announced yesterday that he’s had enough. He’s not having fun with Trump as the leader of his party, plus he may have been in a huge, nasty primary fight with a Tea-Party knuckle dragger.

For a Republican Senate that doesn’t know how to legislate and has no accomplishments since Trump took office, Roy Moore promises to make things go from shitty to super shitty. As for Trump, he won’t admit he supported the wrong guy. He’ll probably blame McConnell and perhaps forget he ever endorsed Luther Strange. Kinda like how he forgot he ran a birther campaign for five years. Trump has already deleted his tweets that were supporting Strange. Fortunately, Mr. Moore can refresh his memory that they’re both conspiracy nut jobs.

One last note; Please don’t inform Roy Moore that carrying a firearm is illegal in the District. Of course, if he’s arrested for packing, he’ll just claim carrying a gun is God’s law.

Creative note: I got this idea, and then I got another I liked better for a minute. It involved Moore holding two tablets with his ten commandments. So, I wrote all ten of the commandments, and halfway through I decided the idea was just meh. But, because I have OCD I had to finish writing all the commandments. I couldn’t leave it uncompleted.

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Lecherous Lizards


cjones04142017

I don’t know which would be worse. A voicemail from now-former Alabama governor Robert Bentley describing how much he loves approaching you from behind and grabbing your boobies, or……a masturbating Bill O’Reilly, which John Oliver imagines sounds like a dog’s jowls flapping when it sticks its head out of the window of a moving car. I’ll let you decide.

Bentley is leaving his office and stated that he’s looking for new opportunities to serve the public. I really think he shouldn’t be attempting to service anyone. And what is it with these criminals? He gets busted using state resources to cover up an affair. He’s threatened people. And when he’s forced out of his office he makes it sound like it was for creating new opportunities when the truth is the new opportunity he’s avoiding is jail.

Here’s a good rule when you’re voting: Don’t vote for the guy who looks like Mr. Burns. Fact: Democrats never look like Mr. Burns.

I’m drawing another cartoon tonight so this blog has to be shorter than usual. I know you’re disappointed. I’m sure you were looking forward to me writing many more paragraphs regarding old, craggly-assed Republicans and their sex lives.

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Another Cruz Conquest


cjones04032016

Ever since the National Enquirer reported that Ted Cruz is a Senatorial stud muffin and has had five affairs, the presidential candidate has not denied ever having an affair.

Oh sure, he’s had righteous indignation which he delivers with a plagiarized script, but no denial. So I was thinking someone should ask him if he’s ever boinked the governor of Alabama. Sorry for putting that terrible image in your head.

Ted Cruz is not someone anybody wants to picture getting busy in the bedroom. Neither is Republican Alabama governor Robert Bentley. To make matters even worse, recordings of Bentley have been released of him talking dirty. Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Bentley is a governor with a deacon persona. Recently his wife filed for divorce and then the recordings between him and his political adviser, Rebekah Mason (who had also served as his campaign manager), were leaked.

Now there’s all sorts of illicit details concerning the governor. Stuff like the governor hiring private jets to avoid a passenger manifest, purchasing “burner” phones, sharing a safety deposit box with Mason, and paying her through a 501 (c)(4) organization instead of having her on the state payroll.

So maybe a reporter can ask Senator Cruz if he’s ever “winked, winked, nudge nudge” with the Alabama governor. If for no reason other than sheer amusement. That can keep us entertained until the D.C. madam’s lawyer releases a huge lists of her clients next week which supposedly will have consequences on the presidential election. Oh you didn’t know about that? Yeah, that’s about to happen.

All I can say to that is “woo hoo!”

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Occupying Alabama


cjones01092016

Gay marriage is legal through all of the United States of America. The U.S. Supreme Court, one out of three branches of government, says so. The reason I’m stating is this because apparently not everyone has received the information.

Take the chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. This Bama bunghole directed all local judges in his state to stop issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

Roy Moore is a religious wack job and has used his position on the bench to heap his religious views upon the citizens of Alabama. Last February he expressed concern about federal courts stepping on Alabama and wrote “have always recognized the biblical admonition stated by our Lord.” He’s also argued the state should keep children away from gay parents. He supports public prayer but only if it’s Christian.

As chief justice he installed a Ten Commandments monument at the court house and was then thrown off the court for refusing to remove it. He was later elected back to the bench.

We can expect Moore to be found in contempt and maybe even removed once again. That should be fun.

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Alabama Martian


cjones10092015

If you are an African American and you do not live in Alabama, Congratulations.

Alabama, like other Southern red states, has strict ID Voter Laws. On the record, these laws are designed to prevent voter fraud. Since voter fraud doesn’t really exist, then off the record they’re designed to prevent minority voting. That isn’t voter fraud but a Republican chicanery that goes along with their efforts to prevent minority voting through redistricting.

In Alabama the Republican state legislature has cut spending which will greatly reduce the number of offices where one can acquire an identification. Most of the offices closing are in the most isolated areas. That is, every county where black voters comprise 75% of voters and the communities that overwhelmingly voted for Obama in  2012 will see those offices closed. That is 28 out of 67 counties. Eight of the 10 counties with the largest non-white populations will be without a place to get an ID.

So if you’re in Alabama and you don’t have an ID and you want to vote and you don’t have transportation then like Forrest you’re gonna have ruuuuuuuun.

Republicans always win Alabama and they’re still cheating. Isn’t it nice that when Republicans do govern, they legislate ways to increase their political advantage?

African Americans comprise 26% of the state’s population. Out of seven congressional seats only one is represented by an African-American who is also a Democrat. The GOP holds the other six.

Just like Matt Damon in the film The Martian, African Americans are being left behind in Alabama. The difference is this is intentional.

Changing gears now: I saw a funny tweet the other day I wish I had created. It said something like “between The Martian, Interstellar, and Saving Private Ryan, our government has spent a ridiculous amount of money retrieving Matt Damon.” I couldn’t have written it because I never saw Interstellar. I haven’t seen The Martian yet either.

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