UV Lights

Tainted Love Ballots


“Some very interesting things are happening in Arizona.” That’s the most honest thing Donald Trump has said in a long time.

Saying his goodbyes at Mar-a-Lago to whoever might actually give a flying shit before he leaves his summer compound for his New Jersey compound (the illegal immigrants he’s hired are probably pretty psyched to watch him waddle out of there), Donald Trump spoke as if a biased, partisan, and fraudulent recount conducted by Qanon fucks and MAGA terrorists would somehow reinsert him into the White House.

President Joe Biden won Arizona. Democrat Mark Kelly also won the United States Senate seat in Arizona, joining his party colleague, Kyrsten Sinema. Republicans won a fight to recount ballots in Maricopa County despite it being six months after the election. Republicans can not overturn the results in Arizona and even if they did, it wouldn’t overturn the results of the national election. Joe Biden is president and he’s going to remain president for the next four years.

This recount is nothing except Republican fuckery.

Donald Trump said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if they found thousands and thousands and thousands of votes.” You mean, “finding” votes like he wanted officials in Georgia to find? You know…just making shit up. Looking at who’s doing the counting, I wouldn’t be surprised either if they “found” votes.

Trump also said, “After that we’ll watch Pennsylvania, and you watch Georgia, then you’re going to watch Michigan and Wisconsin, and you’re watching New Hampshire. They found a lot of votes up in New Hampshire just now…you saw that?” No. I did not see that. Probably because it didn’t happen.

And once again, Trump said, “This was a rigged election, everybody knows it, and we’re going to be watching it very closely.” No, it was NOT a rigged election, but this recount in Maricopa County is rigged.

The recount in Maricopa County is NOT being conducted by the state. It’s not even being conducted by the Republican Party. It’s being run by Cyber Ninjas. Who? What? Cyber Ninjas is a company that has less real-world experience conducting recounts as they do at being actual ninjas. I would have more faith in the late Chris Farley’s Beverly Hills Ninja.

In fact, real ninjas should sue Cyber Ninjas for defamation, as these Republican nutless monkeys are giving ninjas a bad name…and also poorly representing actual nutless monkeys.

Cyber Ninjas is not like Dominion Voting Systems. Dominion Voting Systems is a non-partisan company that has years of experience operating voting machines Cyber Ninjas is totally partisan and has zero experience with recounts. They’ve never done it before. Ever. Never. Ever. Never.


Cyber Ninjas is owned by a nutless monkey Trump goon named Doug Logan who engages in Qanon conspiracy theories. Doug Logan tweeted months ago that a recount in Arizona would find “hundreds of thousands” of votes for Donald Trump. Also, Cyber Ninjas is from Florida. You don’t want nutless monkey Florida fuckery fucking with your ballots. In case you missed it, the guy running the show told us months ago what the results would be before he ever saw any evidence. How does anyone, especially a judge, see that this recount will be fair?

One of the nutless monkeys doing the recount is former Arizona state representative Anthony Kern. Kern was at the Capitol building in the nation’s capital on January 6 engaging in fuckery to overturn the government. There is an actual terrorist in Arizona counting ballots.

And, this partisan recount isn’t open which is funny because Republicans are always screaming about having their observers present during recounts. Arizona Republic (that’s a newspaper despite being owned by Gannett) reporter Ryan Randazzo was ejected from the recount operation after taking photos of Anthony Kern.

It gets even more corrupt. Anthony Kern is recounting ballots that have his name on them. That nutless monkey fucker was in a three-way race, lost, coming in third, and now he’s recounting ballots for his own election. How long has Arizona been Florida? There was more integrity with Putin’s election than with this recount. We need to send Jimmy Carter to oversee this shit.

I have two questions. Why are they using UV Lights on these ballots? These assholes haven’t answered that question. And, why is this happening? Why are partisan assholes with zero experience recounting ballots? Why are these buttmunches even allowed to put their grubby mitts on official ballots? And is love goo on ballots strictly an Arizona thing? And if that is a thing, wouldn’t you NOT want to know this?

How would you feel if a partisan corporation with zero experience was pawing all over your ballot? How would you feel if that corporation was full of pro-Hillary zealots? I sure Republicans would be totally fine with that (in case you couldn’t detect it, that was sarcasm).

So why is this recount happening? The Arizona state Senate subpoenaed Maricopa County’s ballots and vote tabulation machines so it could audit the results that showed Biden winning in Arizona, which Trump supporters say occurred because of fraud (which again, is a lie).

So, the state senate won the right to have a recount, and they hired Cyber Ninjas, which is a partisan company with no experience. Former Republican Arizona secretary of state, Ken Bennett, is acting as the senate’s liason to the recount. Bennett said, “We are going to be able to tell every Arizonan in a few weeks that they can have complete integrity and trust in their elections, or we have some parts of the election that need to be improved.” Really? Complete integrity from a recount conducted by a partisan company with zero experience and consisting of Trump goons and terrorists in complete secrecy?

Senate attorney Kory Langhofer told a judge during a challenge to the recount that oversight wasn’t needed because no personally identifiable information was on the ballots. OK…but how about oversight so that we know the results aren’t just made up? That they didn’t just magically “find” votes in the way Trump asked Georgia Republicans to find votes? Also, how can anyone ever believe anything a Trump supporter ever says? Spoiler alert: You can’t.

A judge refused to kill the recount, but did rule that Cyber Ninjas must make its “procedures” public. What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean they can keep “counting” in secret and only have to tell us the “procedure?”

For all we know, the procedure is a vampire muppet with a UV light doing the counting, saying, “And a one….Ha. Ha. Ha. And a two…Ha. Ha Ha.”

Also, in case you missed it, we still don’t know why the recount is even happening. The use of UV lights hasn’t been explained. Why the GOP gets to conduct it hasn’t been explained. Why a partisan company full of Trump zealots and terrorists with zero recount experience has been hired to conduct the operation hasn’t been explained. Why someone who is on a ballot is allowed to recount the ballots hasn’t been explained. And, why this is even happening at all hasn’t been explained.

If anything, shouldn’t the state be conducting the recount, and not a political party, specifically the one that lost and has been spreading conspiracy theories? I mean, why don’t we just let the makers of Eurovision Song Contest recount the Oscar vote for best song? Don’t surprised if they find the actual winner is “Ja-Ja Dingdong.”

Also, if they do this recount in Florida, where they’re from, and run across Matt Gaetz’s ballot with a UV light, I hope they’re wearing gloves because that thing will look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

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