Super Bowl

Covid Cheater


cjones02042021

We often treat sports as politics and politics as sports. One difference is you may be so tribal that you can’t admit fault with your political party, but you’ll continue to cheer on your favorite sports team while criticizing the coach, owner, quarterback, and maybe even the entire organization. But you knew you are talking to a real zealot when a person defends Tony Romo.

Sports is like politics in that you get think it’s wrong for a president to issue executive orders, except when he’s your president. It’s like cheering a holding call is against the other team…but complaining when your team gets it.

Sometimes politics is like religion and you’re a member of a party because that’s how you were raised. Maybe if your daddy was a fucknut troglodyte, he never acquired the ability to think critically and he passed it down to you. Most people practice the same religion as their parents. And a lot of people a fans of the teams their parents supported. Basically, people put the same emphasis on choosing a religion as they do a sports team.

There are people who like teams because of the colors, logo, players, etc; most people support a team from their region. I’m one of those. I grew up mostly in Louisiana and I am a New Orleans Saints fan. I also grew up partly in a Chicago suburb and for some reason, the Bears didn’t get to me but the Cubs did. But I like the Saints which means I hate the other teams in the division which works out because there’s nothing to like about any of those teams.

The Atlanta Falcons suck. The Carolina Panthers suck. And for the love of God, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers suck. If the Bucs didn’t play the Saints twice a year, I’d still hate them. Years ago, they fired their coach, Tony Dungy, who had rebuilt them from being the doormat of the league to a team that went to the playoffs repeatedly. But they fired Dungy because he didn’t get them to the Super Bowl. The very next year, with the team Dungy built, the Bucs went to the Super Bowl with John Gruden. John Gruden never built a good team again but to this day, a lot of people think he’s a football genius for inheriting a team someone else built. By the way, Dungy is black and Gruden is white. That’s probably not a factor here but isn’t it indicative of that this country does, a white man taking credit for something a black man built? Go ask Donald Trump about that economy he built.

And in case you don’t follow sports, after Tampa fired Tony Dungy for not getting them to a Super Bowl, he was hired by the Indianapolis Colts, another doormat piece-of-crap franchise, and took them to the Super Bowl.

But I hate the Buccaneers…and I really don’t like Tom Brady. So naturally, the two paired up. Naturally, they’re going to the fucking Super Bowl.

Why would anyone hate Tom Brady? Because he’s Tom Brady.

Tom Brady is a whiner. He whines after every play that doesn’t go his way. What’s worse is, it works. Did you see the NFC championship game against the Packers? Did you see the playoff game against the Saints? And even if he doesn’t whine, I swear there’s a bias from the refs when it comes to Brady or the team he’s on. There are a lot of calls that aren’t called…and a lot of calls that shouldn’t have been. About a decade ago, when Brett Favre lost a championship game, the NFL changed some playoff rules that would have sent him to the Super Bowl. If Brady would have lost against the Packers, I would have expected the league to create another Brady rule. Yes, the league created a rule to protect Tom Brady from getting hit. This was before he started letting air out of his balls.

Tom Brady played for a team that cheated, the Patriots. There was Spygate, where the Patriots filmed other teams’ practices. Then, there was Deflategate, which got Tom suspended for four games which he fought in federal courts for nearly a year. Brady played for a team that cheated…and Brady cheated.

Tom Brady is just lucky in life. He married a supermodel. He’s been to ten Super Bowls. There are entire teams that haven’t been to one Super Bowl (Lions, Browns, Texans, and Jaguars), yet Brady’s been to ten. Then he goes to Tampa, a team that’s sucked since their last Super Bowl and in his very first year, he gets them back to the Super Bowl. They lost twice to my team last year, yet beat them in the playoffs. The dude is just lucky.

A new reason to hate Tom: He has a company that sells vitamin supplements. During the coronavirus pandemic, Brady started selling at $45 a bottle, a non-FDA approved, homeopathic medley of vitamins that allegedly will “activate your immune system.” And then…you’re gonna love this shit, kids…the company got nearly $1 million from the first Coronavirus relief package. Our tax money gave Tom Brady, who is worth around $200 million, a million bucks to hawk his snake oil. Technically, it’s a loan, but since he’s Tom Brady, he’s not gonna have to pay that loan back.

And on top of everything already listed, Tom Brady is a Trump supporter.

And now, Tom is going back to the Super Bowl at 43 years of age, looking like he’s 23, and he should be the underdog going up against the team that won it all last year, the Kansas City Chiefs. But since he’s Tom Brady, there’s some supernatural shit happening when teams play against him. Also, he has home-field advantage. No team has ever played at home during a Super Bowl. But naturally, the game is in Tampa…in the Buccaneers stadium. Fuck life. I mean, have they already put Tom Brady’s name on the trophy yet?

Now I don’t know if Tom Brady has received a vaccination for the coronavirus, but since he’s Tom Brady, it wouldn’t surprise me.

So I never did like Tom Brady. But now, I hate the guy. And if you don’t hate Tom Brady, why not?

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Watch me draw:

Snoozer Bowl


cjones02082019

Wow! Super Bowl LIII. The Rams! The Patriots! Tom Brady! Bill Belichick! Jared Goff! Maroon Five! How exciting…not so much.

While the game and halftime show bored everyone, and the MVP went to the Patriots’ Julian Edelman, and shockingly not to a punter, the stars of the show were Harrison Ford and his dog. Honorable mentions go to Forest Whitaker and astronaut brothers Mark and Scott Kelly.

They say defense win championships. And unless you’re a soccer fan, they also provide boring games. The Rams had eight consecutive punts and even set a Super Bowl record for longest punt. Put that on your mantle. The lone touchdown of the game didn’t arrive until the fourth quarter, with the Patriots eventually winning the lowest-scoring Super Bowl in History, 13-3. Surprise! The Patriots won. Thanks for watching.

At least we had the halftime show. Hey, five points to anyone who can name a member of Maroon 5 who’s NOT Adam Levine. Time’s up. Maroon 5 has hits, but have you heard what qualifies as hits today? White boy soul music is about as thrilling as a football game full of punts. Maroon 5 was the consolation act after several others turned the slot down in protest of the NFL’s blackballing treatment of Colin Kaepernick and keeping him out of the league for the past two seasons, merely for speaking out against racial injustice. Even SpongeBob SquarePants couldn’t liven up the halftime show. Yes. I said “SpongeBob SquarePants.

Oh, you’ve never heard of Maroon 5? I’m sure you’ve heard one of their tunes if you’ve ever been to Walgreens (I stole that joke from Twitter). Even if you won’t remember any of their songs you’ll never forget shirtless Levine’s tattoos looking like NASCAR product placements. At least he stopped before he got the Nixon.

One person tweeted that the game was so boring, it was the Maroon 5 of Super Bowls (I stole another joke).

Now, the lucky winners get to go to the White House and hang out with Donald Trump and cold hamberders, which might explain why both offenses played so poorly. Except, the Patriots will probably enjoy going to the White House. Owner Robert Kraft is a friend of Trump’s and recently stated that he’s “working very hard to serve the best interests of the country.” That sort of compliment will get you a berder.

So, if you’re not like 99 percent of the nation and hating the Patriots already, you have a reason now, or another reason to hate them even more…if that was possible.

People are tired of the Patriots playing in Super Bowls. They’re kind of tired of Boston winning championships in general as it’s only been 75 days since their last major league championship. At this rate, people are going to start hating the Red Sox more than they hate the Yankees. Not only did we have to endure another Patriots win, but we had a boring game out of it.

About the only thing that would make us hate seeing the Patriots with Trump at the White House is if they invite Maroon 5 to come along.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
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Watch me draw.

Reign Of Illegitimacy


cjones01242017

Like Donald Trump, most people don’t like New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick, unless they’re from New England.

One reason people dislike the guy is because he wins repeatedly. People like to root for an underdog, until that underdog turns into a repeat champion. At some point the Patriots may overtake the Dallas Cowboys as the most hated team (who is also the most popular and most financially valuable team in any sport in the world. Look it up). The biggest reason people hate Belichick is that the man is a cheater.

Sure he’s a great coach. He constantly reloading his team and never seems to go into a rebuilding phase despite coaching the Patriots for seventeen years.

Belichick started his tenure at New England building animosity. He was an assistant for the New York Jets and he was promoted to head coach. At the press conference to announce his hiring he stunned everyone by instead announcing his resignation. In fact, Belichick has been named coach of the Jets TWICE, and he’s never coached a game for them. But the biggest reason people hate the guy is because his team cheats.

In 2007 the Pats were busted video taping the defensive signals of the New York Jets from the sidelines. In 2002 they were caught taping the walk-through practice of the Carolina Panthers before their game in the Super Bowl. We all know about Deflategate where they were caught deflating balls to give quarterback Tom Brady a better grip, thus an advantage, over the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC championship. Brady had to sit out the first five games of this season for this offense. That didn’t seem to matter as they went 4-1 without Tom-Tom. Correction: My cartooning colleague and evil Pats fan Don Landgren just corrected me that it was a four game suspension (originally five) and they went 3-1.

In 2015 Pittsburgh Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin complained about the headsets used while playing in New England. He said it’s a common occurrence every time they play in the Patriots’ home stadium. The coaches communicate with each other with headsets throughout the game, and at times instead of hearing each other, the Steelers were hearing the Patriots’ radio network’s broadcast of the game. They were probably lucky it wasn’t the Lollipop song. The funniest part of this scandal is that if one team’s headsets malfunction then the other team has to stop using theirs, as a rule of equity. As soon as the Patriots would be told they had to stop using their headsets, the problem with Pittsburgh’s cleared up. A few minutes after everything was restored the problem would return for the Steelers.

Finally, last weekend before the AFC championship, once again, between the Patriots and Steelers there were some shenanigans. No, it wasn’t the Lollipop song. Before the game in Foxborough, Massachusetts someone triggered the fire alarm at the Steelers’ hotel while they were snoozing. This was an attempt to rob them of sleep and generally just to rattle and piss them off.

Belichick’s fingerprints were not found on the fire alarm but a fan of theirs was arrested for the crime. The fan was quoted saying “I’m drunk. I’m stupid. I’m a Pats fan.”

I believe that quote would also fit those supporters of a current leader many find illegitimate.

Creative notes: I like easing up on topics here and there, which helps when clients are screaming at me. I like combining sports into my work. While I can appreciate when an editorial cartoon tackles sports, I really hate cartoons that focus entirely on sports. I love sports but I find those cartoons to be the laziest. They tend to be cheerleaders without making any sort of statement and they overkill with the cliches. Of course the team’s fans love them because it’s about their team (Yeah! We do have the best mascot!). Over the weekend I saw a cartoon predicting the Packers would beat the Falcons. That cartoonist should be given points for a bold prediction but I’m sure he’s eating a lot of stinky cheese today after Atlanta blew out Green Bay 44-21. Ouch!

Several years ago I used the Saints’ “bountygate” in a political cartoon, and I’m a Saints fan. In that case I made fun of my own team. While I was employed at The Free Lance-Star I would have to explain every cartoon to my editor that used a sports analogy. He didn’t follow sports. I’d also have to convince him that it worked which was difficult at times.

On another note I have no idea who to root for in the Super Bowl. The Falcons are division rivals to my Saints and I have hard time cheering for them. And then the other team is New England, where the owner, coach, and quarterback, are Donald Trump supporters. Gad! I’ll probably just root for a good game.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, etc.. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Hillarylicious


cjones02122016

Sometimes a reader will tell me I have a really weird mind. My older sister used to tell me that on a daily basis.

I really don’t think there’s any real importance to endorsements, yet politicians believe in them. Chris Christie was really proud of receiving the endorsement from New Hampshire’s largest daily newspaper, The Union-Leader, yet he came in sixth place in the primary. That’s amazing. The last time Christie was sixth in line for something it was a salad bar.

Sarah Palin endorsed Trump before Iowa, and despite speaking for stupid people everywhere, Ted Cruz won the caucus. Apparently the stupid brain dead incoherent demographic needs more research.

Some crazy lady runs a very politically conservative, racist, and conspiracy-laden Facebook page and plans to announce an endorsement. Oh really? Will there be a press conference to display the full might of influence your Facebook page carries? I think some people mistake influence for flatulence.

Now Bernie Sanders is having breakfast with Al Sharpton in Harlem and Hillary Clinton is receiving the endorsement from the Congressional Black Caucus. Some of the CBC members are stating that is not their personal endorsement.

Madeleine Albright endorsed Clinton stating “there’s a special place in Hell for women who don’t help women.” Then every woman in New Hampshire voted for Sanders. Hopefully Hell has free college tuition.

Here’s the thing: Nobody speaks for establishment Republicans, black voters, women voters, or even stupid people (though they need someone to hold their hand and explain things to them like Planned Parenthood isn’t selling baby body parts and Ted Cruz is NOT the face of God).

Nobody cares about your endorsements. You do want endorsements to show that someone can tolerate the idea of you in the Oval Office. Newspaper endorsements don’t hold sway anymore but they should still endorse because it’s bold and they should have an opinion on their pages that are marked “opinion.” If anything, a newspaper endorsement can be very informative and let you know just what kind of psychopaths you’re dealing with.

I will not endorse anyone and I wouldn’t expect anyone to care if I did. Usually I have to assure people I’m not with a certain candidate. I will not work or campaign for a candidate. Just when someone thinks they like me because I drew something nice about Hillary (for example) they’re very disappointed the next day when I lampoon her and make her bootylicious. Don’t trust me to be in your corner. I am left wing as anyone and probably even more so, but I’m also an editorial cartoonist, not an activist, who believes everyone is fair game. And quite frankly, I don’t want to join your little party.

My cartoon on Beyonce and the ridiculous fake outrage by conservatives over her “anti-cop” protest was very good to me. It has received over 4,000 shares on Facebook and 25,000 views right here on this little website. Despite that, it’s not why I kinda drew the image again. It also didn’t deter me. I really don’t try to hit gold at the same spot. I just really, really, really, liked this idea and this image of Hillary Clinton. I’m also looking forward to the gag reactions of you, my readers. Sorry about that. Hope you weren’t having breakfast. But quite frankly, you should expect this sort of stuff of me by now. So it’s your fault.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!