Straight Pride Parade

Straight Pride Parade


If you’re straight, you did not have to break the news to your father. You were not ostracized by your family. You never had to hide your straightness in a closet. You were never discriminated against in your school, job, or elsewhere for being straight. You were never beat up for being straight (just for being your usual asshole self). You were never shoved into a gym locker for being straight. No one gave you a swirlie. You never lost friends for being straight. You never hung out with your guy friends with them afraid you were going to hit on them. There are no countries where being straight is illegal. Most of all, you were never murdered for being straight. But by all means, throw yourself a parade.

A group of homophobic assholes in Boston are upset that June is LGBTQ Pride Month. In response, they plan to hold a straight pride parade in that city to “celebrate the diverse history, culture, and contributions of the straight community.” What contributions? Maybe invading Poland? I don’t know. But the group has a website and I’ve been told, it’s somewhere on the internet.

On that website, they had a mascot. I’m saying “had” because their mascot didn’t like being their mascot and his people told the gay haters to remove him at once as he didn’t want to be the face of homophobic pride. That mascot was Brad Pitt. I’m not sure Pitt was the best choice of the homophobic society since in Inglourious Bastards, he scalped Nazis.

Captain America isn’t too fond of the homophobe brigade either. Chris Evans, who is a Boston native, tweeted, “Wow! Cool initiative, fellas!! Just a thought, instead of ‘Straight Pride’ parade, how about this: The ‘desperately trying to bury our own gay thoughts by being homophobic because no one taught us how to access our emotions as children’ parade? Whatta ya think? Too on the nose??”

This group is so unpopular that even one-hit wonders are bashing them. 90’s power pop band and creator of the hit “All Star,” (“Hey, now. You’re an all star. Get your game on. Go play.” No?) They tweeted at the Boston guys whose butts no one is looking at, “Straight Pride Parade????? FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!”

After one Twitter user suggested a float at a straight pride parade could be of the body spray, AXE, even the deodorant company came out against it. Despite being the fave scent of frat house douchebags everywhere, Axe tweeted, “we’ll be at the parade that matters and this one isn’t it.”

And, as Stephen Colbert or Trevor Noah (I’m not sure which because they look alike) said, “the irony of a straight pride parade is that there won’t be any women there.”

The idiots throwing a straight pride parade are just like all the other white, Trump-voting, Christian male idiots who believe the world is persecuting them for being in the majority and have everything go their way. If they really feel they need a parade for being straight, then I’m going to take the succinct route created by Smash Mouth and tell these Boston jackwads to fuck off.

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