Sniffy’s Got This


Joe Biden gave Donald Trump some free advice earlier this week. Shut up.

Donald Trump sniffed his way through a prime-time address last night from the Oval Office that only served to confuse the nation even more. It was just a few days ago that Trump was calling the coronavirus a “hoax” created by Democrats and the media and compared it to the flu. Last night, he said he was banning travel from Europe. As it turns out, we don’t know who’s being banned from coming into our nation from Europe. We don’t even know if Tom Hanks can enter the nation.

Yes, Tom Hanks and his wife Rita Wilson both have the virus and are in Australia, which President Gump (life is like a box of Adderall) will probably blame for Wall Street’s current freakout, and not his scary, sniffy Oval Office address.

Concerts and festivals are being canceled. The NBA season has been postponed. The NCAA tournament will play without an audience. Schools, churches, and Democratic political rallies are being canceled. Gatherings of over 250 people are banned in Washington state. There’s a quarantine zone in New York. Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden are going to shout at each other in a sealed-off room. Alcoholics are being encouraged to binge at home. Even Donald Trump is canceling a few trips, but not to political rallies. The Trump hate rallies will continue.

But Trump needed to calm the nation and act presidential. He failed. He delivered an address full of misinformation that the White House had to clarify immediately afterward. Keep in mind, this was a script Trump and his goons had worked on all day. Reportedly, Minister of Hate Stephen Miller was the main architect with input coming from Jared Kushner and Ivanka…which explains why the virus was being called a “foreign” virus and why the speech needed clarification. And, no, Mr. Miller. I don’t believe wearing a bedsheet over your head will protect you from the virus.

Trump said travel from Europe would be banned for 30 days as well as all shipping and deliveries from that continent. As it turns out, nope. There are travel restrictions and stuff will keep coming here which means Europeans are still coming here. Shit does not ship itself. But as many experts have pointed out, which you don’t need an expert to point out, the virus is already here. It’s like putting a sign up at CPAC reading, “No assholes allowed” after Ted Cruz and Matt Gaetz are already in the building.

Donald Trump also sold the idea that insurance companies will cover everything if you get the coronavirus. Naturally, that was another lie. It’s like he just made shit up without even talking to the insurance companies. The nation’s insurance companies are offering free tests to those who need it which isn’t as expensive as you might think because there are no tests in this nation. Hell, I don’t even know if you’ll get a free STD test if you come in contact with Donald Trump.

While Trump is boasting about our low numbers of people with coronavirus, keep in mind, those numbers are growing and…we’re not testing. Donald Trump claimed six days ago that anyone who “wants a test can get a test.” That was a lie and a pretty big one while facing an incoming pandemic. As of March 9, fewer than 5,000 Americans had been tested. In South Korea, over 100,000 people have been tested with 15,000 tests being administered daily. In the United Kingdom where only three people have died so far, over 25,000 tests have been given.

Donald Trump tried to present himself as a hero last night but the facts kill that narrative. Donald Trump and his entire administration have been slow to respond to the virus. Last week, Trump told us to keep going to work if we’re sick and that it’ll eventually go away. He’s even classified health meetings on the virus.

Trump even went racial and xenophobic in his defense last night as he labeled the virus a “foreign virus.” Congressman Paul Gosar, who is in self-imposed quarantine, called it the “Wuhan virus,” and Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy labeled it the “Chinese coronavirus.” I’m confident that each time these guys gave someone else crabs, they blamed the prostitutes who gave it to them.

Donald Trump doesn’t know what he’s doing, which is something I and many others tried to tell his cult before they voted for him. We knew if a disaster rolled in, Donald Trump would make it worse. The only concern Trump has over the virus is that it will hurt him politically. He’s still lying about it.

Mike Pence, a religious bigot who holds the scientific belief that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and there were dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden, was put in charge of the nation’s response to the virus. This morning, he gave a press conference trying to clear up the confusion Donald Trump created last night. And while stating there has been “irresponsible rhetoric,” he refused to blame Trump for any. Then he said, “The president said that anyone who wanted a test could have one on a doctor’s orders. There’s no barrier to that now.” Yes, there is. That is another lie. There are NOT enough tests in this country. This fucker doesn’t believe the virus can spread from Republican to Republican but Adam and Eve can populate the Earth by only having sons.

We are experiencing a worldwide pandemic and these nimrods are more concerned with covering their asses. They started their response by lying and downplaying it. Now that they’re trying to present a more serious and mature tone, they’re still lying.

On top of everything else, it doesn’t help that during a speech where you’re telling us you have a pandemic under control, you can’t stop sniffing. Donald Trump spoke for nine minutes last night and about 7 of those were nothing but sniffing.

I don’t know if it’s cocaine, Adderall, Sudafed, or if he has the coronavirus from hanging out at CPAC or from infected Republicans kissing his ass. But if it is the virus, Trump doesn’t have anything to worry about…if he believes his own bullshit.

Just by watching his snorty address last night made me wash my hands while singing, not “Happy Birthday” for 20 seconds, but for 17 minutes while singing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

Call all me crazy, I just don’t have confidence that Sniffy’s got this.

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