Simone Biles

Jerko’s Yurchenko


Cjones07302021

I had to look up a few things yesterday to find out what they are. Things like beach handball. I’m still not sure what handball really is, but whatever it is, the beach version is played on a beach. 

Then I had to look up Charlie Kirk. That sounds familiar. What makes him relevant? He’s a 27-year-old Trump supporter who writes a column for Newsweek. Seriously, Newsweek? Why does Newsweek want to distribute the opinion of a 27-year-old white conservative male without any real-world experience who’s an online college dropout? Leave the racist conspiracy theorists to Breitbart, m’kay? 

But, this Charlie Kirk fucknut also has a fucknut podcast for racist Trump-supporting fucknuts which he used yesterday to attack four-time gold medal winner gymnast Simone Biles for dropping out of the team finals at the Olympics. Kirk, who says white privilege is a racist lie, called her “very selfish,” “immature,” “a shame to our country,” and a “sociopath,” which is a word he probably learned from that online college course. He also said, “We are raising a generation of weak people like Simone Biles.”

Dude, first off, white privilege is real. Look at yourself. You’re an uneducated 27-year-old liar with zero life experience.  You’re a racist fuck who’s also a conspiracy theorist, you have your own podcast, write a column for Newsweek, collect a $300,000 salary from chairing your super PAC, and you bought a $855,000 condo in Longboat Key, Florida. You are the poster baby for white privilege. 

My question to Chucky is..can I call you Chucky? I don’t care. My question for Chucky is: How does being a rich privileged college dropout (online college) give you any credentials to understand what Simone Biles, a young black female athlete who’s been a victim of sexual assault, is going through? White privilege is not having to try to understand different perspectives. 

Chucky, are you a weak person for dropping out of online college? Was it immature of you? Selfish? Hey, I’m a college dropout, too, but after I dropped out, I continued to learn. Listening to your bullshit and reading the huge list of conspiracy theories you’ve spread, you haven’t progressed as a human being since you created your racist PAC for Trump while still in high school.

As I mentioned before, I had to research several things I didn’t know yesterday. I discovered there’s a European Handball Federation. I learned the Olympics doesn’t require any athlete to wear bikini bottoms. I also learned that beach handball is not an Olympic sport but will be in 2024 where they will not be forced to wear bikini bottoms. I’m pointing this out because a lot of people think it was the Olympics who went after the Norwegian Beach Handball Team for wearing regular shorts instead of bikini bottoms. I learned all this after coming up with a brilliant cartoon on the Olympics and bikini bottoms for the Norwegian Beach Handball Team…and then tragically learning the cartoon wouldn’t work because the Olympics had nothing to do with it. The entire bikini brouhaha occurred in Bulgaria, which isn’t even close to Tokyo. 

And then I had to research Matt Walsh.

Who is Matt Walsh? Just another racist fuck. What makes him relevant? Well, he’s not relevant enough to have a Wikipedia page but he is relevant enough to have a podcast and occasionally write for the Huffington Post. Can’t news outlets find conservative voices that aren’t sexist racist entitled white conspiracy theorists? Please? What’s that? There are none? Carry on then.

Matt Walsh isn’t even relevant enough to have a Wikipedia page while there are dogs with Wikipedia pages. But to be fair, dogs are better people than people like Matt Walsh. Matt Walsh was so disgusted by Simone Biles for dropping out, that he went on a tweet rampage attacking her. But to be fair, he probably needed a break from tweeting that real men don’t share emojis or cry in public. 

But how upset was he over Simone Biles? He must have felt her dropping out was a personal attack against his manhood (defending manliness is kind of his jam), that he tweeted about her over 30 times. It may have been over 50 but many of his tweets aren’t coherent so it’s hard to tell what he’s ranting about. Simone Biles, emojis, crying men, looking at another man’s wiener at the urinals, brown M&Ms, who knows?

He said Simone was being “selfish” and a “disgrace.” He criticized people who mentioned she was a survivor of sexual assault and claimed people were “inventing excuses on her behalf.” Since he claimed she quit only because she was “sad,” what gives him the right to invent reasons? Matt Walsh is a white male, probably at least in his mid to late 30s (from his photo, I’m being kind), but I can’t be sure since he doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. Also, this guy obsessed with constantly proclaiming his manliness literally has a beard. It’s a known fact that gays don’t have beards. If you ever start to feel some gayness coming on, like your penis moved while seeing Jonathan Van Ness in the Uber Eats commercial with Simone Biles, you can nip it in the bud (only bud nip in a manly platonic way without penetrating fingers) by growing a beard. 

I also had to look up Clay Travis and Buck Sexton. Who are they? They’re a pair of right-wing talk show hosts. They’re like a tag team of stupid. They said, “The blue checks have already rallied to Simone Biles’s defense and said, ‘Oh, it’s so brave.’ Why is this brave? What’s brave about not being brave? Cause that’s what we’re talking about here. This is ‘Oh, you didn’t stand up to the bully?’ So to speak… No, I think that’s the not brave move.” Which one of them said which parts of that exchange? It doesn’t matter. Also, both of these guys have beards. Do you know who doesn’t have beards? Dogs. Fact: Dogs don’t care if you call them gay.

And then there’s Piers Morgan. Oh, you know this is going to be good. Piers, who was rejected by Meghan Markle years ago and then mocked her for claiming racism in Buckingham Palace and for considering suicide, had some opinions on Simone Biles. Oh goody.

Piers tweeted, “Are ‘mental health issues’ now the go-to excuse for any poor performance in elite sport? What a joke. Just admit you did badly, made mistakes, and will strive to do better next time. Kids need strong role models not this nonsense.”

I just researched this and discovered Australian comedian Jim Jefferies has never been a Make-a-Wish kid, but somehow he was still given the wish-come-true of going on national television and telling Piers Morgan to his face to “fuck off.”

I also just researched and discovered John Daniel Davidson, editor of The Federalist and avid scarf wearer, does not have a medical degree (I had to get that from his LinkedIn page as he also doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. Again, dogs, people). Despite being less qualified than Dr. Pepper to diagnose mental health, John Daniel Jingleheimer Schmidt Fucknut Mcscarfy Davidson wrote, “Biles doesn’t suffer from a specific mental illness” and that she’s not “mentally tough.”

But how do these right-wing asshats know she’s not mentally tough? How do they know what she’s going through? How can any of these men, most of them having wealth stacked on top of their white privilege, relate to a young black female who is a victim of a sexual assault? 

Do these armchair warriors understand that gymnastics is actually physically dangerous? I too am guilty of watching sports I only see competed every four years, and then shouting at the TV as if I know what’s going on, but I know I can’t do what I’m watching on TV. I know that, if I got on a skateboard, instead of winning a gold medal like 13-year-old Momiji Nishiya, I’d probably only win a broken leg. Even Olympic table tennis (ping pong) looks physically dangerous to me. I can understand the pressure of a CNN deadline, but I have never faced the pressure of doing a Yurchenko Double Pike Vault on national television with the weight of my team and nation on my shoulders. Also, I have never been a black girl or black woman. This can be proven by looking at the photo on my Wikipedia page (which some dog probably made). 

I think if you’re going to go off in a hateful manner, maybe consider where they are coming from instead of assuming everyone was born with your white privilege. The fact Simone Biles went public about a sexual assault proves she’s tougher than these white conservative privileged men. None of them has ever done anything as tough as that. 

Some of these talking fuckheads claim Simone wouldn’t be receiving praise for removing herself and being honest about her anxieties if she was a man. But would these manly men be attacking Simone if she wasn’t a black female? 

I think before these privileged white men can criticize Simone Biles, they first have to flawlessly perform a Yurchenko Double Pike Vault. Until then, as Jim Jefferies would say, fuck off. 

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Watch me draw:

Republican Backflips


Cjones06222021

Bear with me because I’m about to write a little about gymnastics, and I don’t know anything about gymnastics. I probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a backflip and a Yurchenko double pike. But then again, it seems USA Gymnastics may not know the difference either.

Simone Biles is the greatest gymnast in the history of gymnastics. In fact, in the world of gymnastics at the age of 24, she’s old. But that doesn’t seem to matter to Simone because nobody can do what she does.

Last month at the U.S. Classic, Simone Biles performed a move that had never been attempted before by a female gymnast at a competition…and she crushed it. The Yurchenko double pike is a difficult, and dangerous move, that nobody else is probably even training to perform. As The New York Times describes it, to execute it (this is where I cut and paste), a gymnast first must launch herself into a roundoff back handspring onto the vaulting table, and then propel herself high enough to give herself time to flip twice in a pike position (body folded, legs straight) before landing on her feet.

Did you understand any of that? I did. It means it’s hard. I think I pulled a hammy just watching her do it. At this point, she’s competing against herself. After she did the move, the crowed went wild and the judges…eh. They gave her a score of 6.6, which is a provisional similar to scores for her other moves. They didn’t give her any points for the difficulty of the move. In the past, they’ve given low scores to other moves Biles can do that no one else can. Why? Because no one else can.

They’re giving low scores to Biles for these amazing moves to discourage them from ever being done. Basically, Simone Biles is being punished for being too good. Do you remember when they did the same thing to Michael Phelps when he was competing, basically against himself as well, because like Simone, he’s the GOAT of his sport.

You don’t remember Phelps being punished because he wasn’t. Well, he was once for smoking pot which really should have been an added boost to his competition. If anything, the Olympic committee should have made Phelps smoke more pot just to give the other swimmers an advantage. Michael Phelps wasn’t just better because he worked harder, but because he has genetical differences that make him better. He’s tall with arms too long for his body, legs too short, and his feet and hands are basically flippers. In fact, Flipper probably couldn’t beat Phelps…even after Phelps smoked a bowl and consumed two bags of Doritos.

In Simone’s case, they changed the rules for a black person. If all of Michael Jordan’s competition looked like Larry Byrd, they probably would have changed the rules for him too, probably to something like having to dribble while flying through the air or some shit.

Now, will this be taught in the future (not the air-dribbling shit)? Not if Republicans have their way. Republicans in several states are banning the teaching of Critical Race Theory, or as they put it, anything that teaches this nation may be a racist country. Yesterday, President Joe Biden signed a bill making Juneteenth the 11th federal holiday, and the first since Martin Luther King Day was created back in 1986. On the bill’s way to the president’s desk, 14 Republicans in the House voted against it.

The reasons these 14 Republicans have given are incredibly stupid. Some say they were in favor of the holiday but didn’t like it being referred to as “independence day.” Uh, because it’s not your independence day? Republicans, July 4, 1776, was NOT a day of independence for all Americans. Didn’t they teach you that?

Juneteenth celebrates the events of June 19, 1865, when Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger informed enslaved African Americans in Galveston, Texas, the Civil War had ended and they were free. In case you’re a Republican, he told them they were no longer prisoners with jobs. For many black Americans, this is their independence day. This is their July 4. But, because you think it doesn’t affect you then it shouldn’t be recognized? Should we bury it along with the Tulsa Massacre?

Congressman Andy Biggs from Arizona voted against the holiday and said, “They weaponize this bill like they weaponize everything else.” He must think it’s like a face mask to wear during a pandemic.

Tennessee’s Scott DesJarlais voted against it because, “it is fiscally irresponsible to continue to create new paid holidays for federal workers while the majority of hard-working private-sector employees get left to pay the bill.” Does he even know what he’s talking about?

Paul Gosar, another idiot from Arizona, said, “Juneteenth is more debunked Critical Race Theory in action.” How is Juneteenth debunked? Does he know what he’s talking about?

Ronny Jackson….wait. Did you forget about this guy? I did. Yeah, Trump’s former physician who told us Trump only weighed 243 pounds and also lied about his height, is unfortunately a congressman now. He said he voted against the bill because he doesn’t support more paid time off for federal workers. Dr. Ronny represents a district in Texas, the same state that gave us Ted Cruz and Louie Gohmert.

Thomas Massie, a goober from Kentucky, said, “Naming this day ‘National Independence Day’ would create confusion and push Americans to pick one of those two days as their independence day based on their racial identity.” You mean, some Americans may not want to identify with the independence day that did not give their ancestors independence? Somebody get ahold of Representative Massie, grab both sides of his face, put your face within two inches of his, good god don’t kiss him, and repeat the last sentence.

At this point, I’m surprised Marjorie Taylor Greene didn’t vote against it because calling it “Independence day” will only distract us from the accomplishment of Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman repelling the 1995 alien invasion.

Here’s the thing about that: Americans are not forced to choose their independence day based on their race. That choice was made for them hundreds of years ago…and it was made by white people. You would know that if you took a real history course.

What Republicans don’t like about black history in America is that it’s American history. You can’t have American history without the contributions made by black Americans. And you don’t have it without the tragedy inflicted upon black Americans. Republicans don’t want it taught and they don’t want to acknowledge it.

Congressman Tom McClintock, who voted against the bill said, “I don’t believe it’s healthy to reach into the dead past, revive its most malevolent conflicts and reintroduce them into our age.” Ignorance isn’t healthy either, Congressman. Neither is stupidity and racism.

Matt Rosendale, who is, unfortunately for Montana, that state’s only congressperson, said, “This isn’t an effort to commemorate emancipation, it’s very clearly tied to the larger hard-left agenda to enshrine the racial history of this country as the prime aspect of our national story.” Hey, he gets it, or at least part of it.

YES! It is an agenda to enshrine the racial history of this country as an important aspect of our national story. Thanks for saying the quiet part out loud…and that you have a problem with black history, you fucking racist fuck.

Funny thing: None of these representatives has a problem with Christmas being a federal holiday even though it’s discriminatory on religion, gives federal workers another day off, and is based totally on myths. I mean, we don’t even know what day Jesus was actually born or if he was even Jesus. He could have been a guy who just preached a lot. At least with Juneteenth, we know what day that happened. Christmas may even be unconstitutional, but good luck to the politician who campaigns on that one. If you think they’re giving Ilhan Omar a hard time now, wait until you see what happens to the poor schmoe who promotes de-federalizing Christmas.

Christmas as a federal holiday is forcing non-Christians to acknowledge Christmas, which most probably don’t mind (just don’t make me eat ham or listen to Hall and Oates’ “Jingle Bell Rock” and we’re good). Now, Republicans are afraid Juneteenth will force white people to acknowledge black history while all along, they’ve been shoving white history down everyone’s throats. These same fuckers probably believe the battle of the Alamo was about a bunch of freedom-loving (slave-owning) Texans being persecuted by Mexico. By the way, John Wayne was a HUGE racist. Look into it.

If we ever successfully remove these racists, whether judging gymnastics, legislating history, or voting against black history in the United States Congress with excuses like it’s “weaponized” or “unhealthy,” that day will be our independence day. It’ll be the day we’re liberated from troglodyte knuckle-dragging cave-dwelling Cheesecake Factory-loving Fox News-watching racist assholes who all probably just rolled off their moms.

And that should be a federal holiday.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have two copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

All The News That’s Phelps


cjones08132016

One aspect of the Olympics I always enjoy are the individual issues. Fiji won their first medal ever in their history of competing at the Olympics and the country was excited that even banks were closed during the event. An Egyptian lost to an Israeli in judo and refused to bow or shake his hand. The U.S. women’s soccer team was upset by Sweden and Hope Solo called their opponents “cowards.” Officials had to reschedule an event because the water in a pool was too nasty (I don’t think that was a Baby Ruth). That’s fun stuff.

Here in the U.S. everyone is talking about Michael Phelps and his history-making medal grab.

These are his fifth Olympics and even editorial cartoonists are drawing positive celebratory cartoons honoring him. I don’t play that. I wouldn’t be able to stomach drawing cartoons of jealous fish and a jealous Aquaman. Ugh!

The media has been so gaga over Phelps that the San Jose Mercury News stepped all over itself in reporting the accomplishments of another athlete.

Simone Manuel became the first African-American woman to win an individual swimming event at the games when she took joint first place  in the 100-meter freestyle at Rio 2016. The Mercury News placed a headline on their website which read: Michael Phelps shares historic night with African-American.

Yikes! Forget shes’ a person, has a name, earned a little praise all her own, and let’s just lament how Phelps has to share a little glory with a black girl.

Women have been kinda trampled on with the sexism at these games.

Gymnast Simone Biles (who has been incredible) was complimented by an NBC commentator with “I think she might even go higher than some of the men.” Apparently you can’t appreciate a female athlete’s ability without it being compared to men for perspective. This was heaped on top after one commentator said her adoptive parents are not her parents. That’s some serious stupidity.

The Chicago Tribune labeled two-time bronze medal-winning Corey Cogdell as “wife of a Chicago Bear’s lineman.” The paper had to refer to her as a wife, and didn’t matter which particular lineman’s wife….just that she was a wife. You haven’t seen Phelp’s girlfriend mentioned in any headlines.

Katy Ledecky broke a world record in the 400-meter freestyle and was given praise with: “Some people say she swims like a man.” That was once again given by someone at NBC. Maybe the network should have sent Rachel Maddow or Chris Hayes to cover the games. Sheesh!

Hungary’s Katinka Hosszu broke a world record in 400-meter individual medley (whatever that is) and the credit was given to her husband/coach. Again…NBC.

NBC, who is on a roll by at this point, referenced the cycling teams as “mens” and “girls.” Do I have to point it out?

While the U.S. gymnastics team was talking on the sidelines, NBC again, said “They might as well be standing around at the mall.” When the men are talking to each other where might as well could they be standing? A bar? Garage? Pool hall? A crotch scratching contest?

NBC explained their tape delay by saying it’s OK because most of their audience is women and they’re more into the reality TV aspect than the results.

A lot of people will say I’m being too politically correct over this. I don’t think so. I try to keep this stuff in mind and I’m sure I’ll stumble in this area in the future. We have a very sexist society to the point that most people aren’t even aware they’re doing it.

For example: Hillary Clinton shouts but you don’t hear anyone talk about Donald Trump shouting. Conservatives make jokes about Clinton’s physical appearance, yet for a man to be insulted for his looks he has to have a serious weight issue or extremely ridiculous hair that defies physics. I was out last week and heard two guys talk about Clinton’s age without being aware that Donald Trump is older. A lot of people are asking to see a report on Clinton’s health but not Trump’s (and there’s one person who could use a brain scan it’s Trump). I’m surprised we haven’t started about menopause yet.

We have another week of the Olympics and at some point I hope to start watching. Maybe the rest of the media should pay closer attention also…or just let Roger Ailes produce the event.

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