Putin

Nukes And Baldwins

cjones03062018

Donald Trump had a horrible week. Pundits are calling it the week of chaos.

Hope Hicks resigned as White House Communications Director (Trump’s fourth) after testifying before Congress when she said that she’s told “white lies” for Trump in the past. I’m not sure how the White House can replace someone with the judgement to date a married Corey Lewandowski and wife-beating Rob Porter, and to work for Donald Trump. Over 50 people have left jobs in Trump’s White House.

White House Adviser and Trump son-in-law, Jared Kushner lost his security clearance. As it’s been pointed out, the White House calligrapher has a higher security clearance than Jared. To make matters worse, it was revealed this week that Jared accepted over $500 million in loans from corporations he had meetings within the White House. In addition to that shit storm, it came to light that the nation of Qatar and U.S. ally rejected giving Jared a loan, shortly before the United States accused them of supporting terrorism and initiated a blockade of that country, where over 10,000 U.S. troops are stationed.

Jared has been trying to get someone to bail out his purchase of a building on 5th Avenue with the address 666.  Who knew that other than the Trump White House, there’s a second Trump circle of Hell?

To make matters worse for Jared, Robert Mueller is looking into his financial fuckery. I’m not sure if Jared is familiar with Mueller, but someone should tell him that he’s serious. Mueller is also inquiring as to if Trump knew about the Russian hacks into the Democrats email before the knowledge became public.

Mueller is also looking into a shady business deal of Ivanka’s. The Trump crime family may occupy an entire wing of a federal prison if this keeps up.

According to sources, Trump is trying to pressure Jared and Ivanka to quit. Trump is probably that source. Unfortunately for Trump, no one in this White House reads the Times or the Post, so they probably won’t get that hint. But, National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster, one of the few adults in the White House, is apparently ready to bail and Gary Cohn, Trump’s Economic Adviser who almost quit during Nazi week may be ready to go with him.

Trump said he’d raise the age to purchase an AR-15 and that he’d like to seize weapons from some people and worry about due process later. I just love that the president who is actually stating he wants to grab guns is the one Republican idiots voted for.

Trump will probably backtrack on both of those statements, but he did say he’s not afraid of the NRA. He said that between lunch with the NRA and dinner with the NRA.

Trump also promised to raise tariffs on steel and aluminum which is great for U.S. steel companies, but bad for companies that purchase steel. It’s also bad if you’re a beer drinker. He’s taking your guns, and he’s jacking the price on beer. Good job, Republicans.

Trump’s goal with a trade war, which he says is a good thing, is to hit China. Who he’s actually hitting is Canada, and they’ve vowing to hit back. Nobody was expecting this trade war, including Cohn who has voiced what a terrible idea it is.

Because they can’t stop leaking, other White House sources, or the same ones as before, who knows, said Trump started the trade war because he’s in a bad mood. Is he going to bomb Jamaica if he gets a hemorrhoid?

He attacked his Attorney General, Jeff Sessions. Again. He has privately referred to Sessions as Mr. Magoo.

Chief of Staff John Kelly made jokes at a Homeland Security function that God was punishing him by making him take the White House job. He’s punishing all of us, John. Kelly also defended his handling of wife-beating Rob Porter, saying he thought the abuse was just emotional, not physical. John Kelly lies a lot.

Ben Carson, who has less business being the HUD Secretary than Jared and Ivanka have in the White House, spent over $31,000 of taxpayer money on a dining room set for his office. Even the quiet ones in this administration are corrupt.

Realizing that things were getting heavy, Trump told a joke to lighten the mood. He said that he would have run into the school in Parkland, even if he didn’t have a weapon. We all needed the laugh…what? He was serious?

To top it all off, Vladimir Putin claimed he has a new “invincible” missile. He showed off a computer graphic of it striking Florida, near the location of Mar-a-Lago. To be honest, if it wasn’t a nuclear missile and just your average everyday bunker-busting missile, we’d probably be OK with it.

With all these serious issues occurring, Trump had to lash out, and he did….at Alec Baldwin. Seriously.

Trump may not be afraid of the NRA, but he’s afraid of Putin. Maybe the NRA should find a pee tape of him.

Trump finds the acting skills of a Baldwin more menacing to the United States than Putin’s threat of a new cold war. I could maybe understand if he was attacking Daniel Baldwin, the Eric Trump of Baldwins. Go rent Sharks in Venice. But, no. He was attacking the talented one.

He couldn’t even do that right. He tweeted his attack on “Alex” Baldwin, whose career was “dieing” before he started impersonating Trump.

All things considered, I don’t think this week was anymore chaotic than a typical Trump week. Sure, it was bad, but I think it’d have to get a lot worse to beat defending Nazis and endorsing pedophiles, or that first week when Trump became President.

I’m still having nightmares about that one.

Here’s the video.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

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Spanky

cjones01212018

I may have mentioned this issue on my last blog. Do you recall anything about “spanking?” Just in case I didn’t, let’s touch on it again. Ew, wrong choice of words.

You may have heard the accusation that Trump had an affair with a porn star named Stormy Daniels after he married Melania and his fifth child, Barron, was only four months old in 2006. Along with this accusation is the charge that Trump paid Ms. Stormy not to talk about it.

But, there was a time when Stormy really wanted to talk about it. Days before the election, she was shopping her story around. She talked to a few reporters and gave an interview to In Touch Weekly. But, she never went on the record with the legitimate press and the only one to get a story was the gossip tabloid. Fox News got a story about a Trump affair, but they chose not to run it. How bad is it that InTouch Weekly has more journalistic credibility than Fox News?

InTouch sat on the story after being threatened by Trump’s lawyers. They finally ran the interview after The Wall Street Journal reported on the affair and payment. Trump’s lawyer has denied there was an affair but not the payment. Stormy has denied the affair which is what hush money is supposed to do, shut people up.

As it turns out, an LLC was set up in Delaware, because that state doesn’t require heads of companies to be identified, and a payment from a pseudonym for Trump’s lawyer went to a pseudonym for Stormy. Ooh-la-la. The amount was for $130,000 which is a huge discount when you claim you’re worth billions.

This payment may be illegal, and guess who’s looking into it? Yup. Special Counsel Robert Mueller. This may be an illegal campaign donation or money laundering. Also, if Trump can be blackmailed by a porn star then what can Putin do to him?

Robert Mueller is not going to debase himself by exploring all the kinky, sick, disgusting sex stuff that makes Donald Trump tick. But I will.

If the cartoon hasn’t made you vomit yet, these details just may do the trick. Another porn star and a friend of Stormy’s told a story that she claims Stormy told her. She said an image of Donald Trump chasing Stormy while he was wearing tighty-whities is an image she’ll never forget. Me either! Stormy told In Touch, “I can describe his junk perfectly.” Thankfully, she did not do that.

Other details are that Trump told Stormy that she reminded him of his daughter. I wondered on social media how that conversation went: You remind me of my daughter…let’s have sex?

Now, do you feel a little something coming back on you? Just wait. It’s worse. Much worse. It’s so bad, that I would feel the need to apologize if I wasn’t loving this so much.

According to reports from people who like to report disgusting stuff, Stormy gave Trump a spanking. Ew, right? Yeah…it still gets worse. She spanked him with a copy of Forbes Magazine. So what? A copy of Forbes Magazine with his children, Ivanka (who the porn star reminded Trump of) and Donald Jr. I don’t know why Eric didn’t make the spanking edition.

In the interview, Stormy said Trump showed her a copy of a “money” magazine (she can’t remember the name) which featured him on the cover, and he talked non-stop about it. A political consultant she talked to later said she told the story of spanking Trump with a copy of Forbes. Trump was on the cover of Forbes in 2006.

Other details include: He promised her an appearance on The Apprentice, a free condo in Tampa, and he hates sharks. He hates sharks so much that he will not donate to a shark charity, and he hopes they all die. He hates sharks more than stairs and vegetables.

I’m going to stop here because I want to eat something later. Are you grossed out? Disgusted? Sickened? Reaching for eye bleach? My job is done.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Little Red Russian Button

cjones12302017

Alexei Navalny is a Russian anticorruption activist. The guy has spent years criticizing Russian President Vladimir Putin, and he planned to run for that job, which will be decided in March. Putin thought otherwise.

Navalny was convicted in a fraud case, which many believe was bogus. On Monday, the Kremlin barred him from running for president. He has called for a boycott of the election and now Putin’s spokesperson said he may face criminal charges for that act.

Putin has been in office for nearly 18 years, and now he’s seeking five more. He registered his candidacy for his reelection this week. His approval numbers are around 80 percent, but those are state-conducted polls, which never include Navalny’s name.

Navalny’s name is also never mentioned on Russian television, unless he’s being charged or found guilty of something, like organizing political rallies.

Navalny isn’t much of a threat to Putin, but the Russian president isn’t taking any chances in the authoritarian state he pretends is a democracy. Perhaps he’s afraid of U.S. hacking into this election or maybe he doesn’t trust the polls.

Putin has warned America not to meddle in this election. How ironic. The Kremlin considers the U.S. State Department’s criticism of Navalny’s exclusion as meddling.

Donald Trump probably envies this latest move by Vladimir. All he has here is intimidation, voter suppression, and gerrymandering. Trump buddies up with authoritarians in Turkey, China, the Philippines, but Putin is his hero.

While Russia continues to attack the U.S. by sending internet trolls to help Republicans and Trump TV to attack the FBI, Trump has yet to admit Russia hacked our election, and he’s failed to enact sanctions on Russia that Congress has passed.

During the 2016 presidential campaign, Trump said if he was president then Hillary Clinton would be in jail. He’s spent nearly every day of his presidency, when he’s not playing golf, attacking Clinton, who he defeated and is now retired, and encourages his Attorney General to go after her. Sometimes he multitasks and criticizes Clinton while playing golf.

Instead of defending himself from an investigation by a Special Counsel, he hatches conspiracy theories against those conducting the investigation. He labels the FBI as “tainted.” Do you remember back when Republicans were the defenders of law enforcement? That went out the window with their patriotism and stance against Russia.

Trump calls news he doesn’t like “fake news,” and has called the American press enemies of the American people. He retweets Fox & Friends when he’s not retweeting racist videos from European hate groups.

Trump would love to ban select political opponents when (if) he runs for reelection in 2020. By “select,” I mean all of them. During the last campaign, he even said Clinton shouldn’t have been allowed to run. Trump dreams of ruling, not governing. He has yet to understand the difference.

Trump is not about America first. He, along with his sycophants and apparently the entire Republican Party, is about Trump first. It’s Putin second and then, America third…maybe.

We don’t need an authoritarian, a king, strongman, or a ruler. We need a democratically elected president. This is why the press, opponents to Trump, and even political cartoonists should keep putting Trump’s feet to the fire. All we have to do is call out the truth.

If we don’t, Trump will be throwing his political opponents to the alligators.

Creative notes: Another chapter in getting ideas. I knew I wanted to draw on this subject a couple days ago. But, there were two other ideas I wanted to do before I hit this one. I figured several cartoonists would do the issue before I got around to it, but I haven’t seen one yet.

Even though I knew I wanted to do this subject, I went two days without having an idea for it. They just weren’t coming to me. I took a nap around 11:00 last night, woke up at 4:00 a.m. this morning and around 5:00 a.m., it hit. I don’t know how or why. It just did. I did have one other idea shortly before this one hit, but I wasn’t in love with it. This one, yeah. It was just weird enough for me and I actually made myself laugh with it.

So, one of the answers to “how do you get your ideas?” is….pressure.

Second creative note: Frank proofs the blog. Hilary (not Clinton and with one “L”) usually proofs the cartoons (when I need a proofer). This morning, we had a conversation on the best way to spell made-up words. That is the joy of being friends with me. Hilary abandoned me and Virginia recently for Massachusetts, but she hasn’t escaped me asking goofy questions on Facebook messenger at four in the morning.

There may be a few cons to being on Team Claytoonz.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Wacky Republicans

cjones11272017

It seems each new day brings us a revelation of sexual harassment, transgressions, or weird sex stuff of someone prominent. The latest revealed that Texas’ longest serving Congressman, Republican Joe Barton, was having an affair while separated from his wife. He says the sex was consensual, and they only did it twice over five years. Hey, twice in five years is probably pretty good for a 68-year-old crusty Republican.

Barton sent his flame a video of him abusing himself. You know, going to town below the belt. He was giving his thingy special attention. He was being wacky.

According to reports, the woman he sent it to resent it to several of her friends, which tells me she either hated Barton or her friends. Barton found out about this and in a recorded phone call with the woman, threatened to have the Capitol Police investigate the matter if the video or photos became public. I’ll give you one guess what became public.

Yeah, the photo was posted anonymously on Twitter, along with a text from Barton which read, “I want you soo bad. Right now. Deep and hard”. Apparently, he only needs one hand to text. When I heard about this photo’s existence my first thought was, “I do not ever want to see this photo.” Several people posted on my social media pages to tell me they hunted it down to give it a look, which makes me have to ask, “what the hell is wrong with you people?” I have as much morbid curiosity as the next guy, but come on. I don’t want to see photos of abused children and animals, the way I dressed in the 80s, ketchup on a hot dog, or Republicans whacking it.

I don’t know if Barton did anything technically wrong here. Morally, maybe. I suppose you’re not supposed to have sex with another woman while married, even if you’re separated. But, in my book, if someone leaves you behind then all bets are off. Maybe, he violated a Congressional ethics policy by using his position to influence someone to sleep with him but, good luck finding a politician who hasn’t done that.

It is pretty stupid to send naked photos of yourself, and even dumber to send a video. However, it’s not illegal to send it to another adult. I am against hackers leaking celebrities’ private photos, and now I have to hold the same position regarding politician’s private photos….especially if they’re old and ugly Republicans.

It will be interesting to see if Republicans have the same reaction to Barton’s sexting as they did toward Anthony Weiner’s shenanigans. I don’t expect them to as Republicans are hypocrites.

It will also be interesting to see how The Family Council and Christian Coalition of America will respond since they have both given Barton a 100 percent rating.

Barton has hired a crisis communication firm to deal with the fallout of his naked selfie but, I don’t see that doing much good. It’s impossible to put naked toothpaste back into the tube. And, since Barton probably sent these things to more than one woman, we can expect more naked Bartons to materialize on Twitter in the very near future. Yay.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Collusion Over Coffee

cjones11162017

It’s been a very busy week for bullshit.

First, Vladimir Putin told Trump he didn’t have anything to do with Russia meddling in our election. As if, Russia had Wikileaks hack into the DNC, made attempts to hack into voting systems, placed ads on Facebook and Twitter, sent Russians to hang out with Trump sycophants, and unleashed troll farms, all without Putin being aware of it. Worse yet, Trump believed him.

Then, Jeff Sessions is questioned by Congress again, and tells us his previous lies weren’t lies. There were a lot of “I don’t recalls,” and he explained how he suddenly remembers telling Papadopoulos not to go to Russia at a meeting he doesn’t remember attending.

I’m not sure this administration can match Reagan’s with “I don’t recalls,” but they may beat them in indictments.

And then…Donald Trump Jr, who got really upset every time someone accused the campaign of colluding with Russia, revealed yet another incident of his collusion with Russia.

During the campaign, Jr. was trading messages back and forth with Wikileaks through Twitter. They even asked Jr. to give them his father’s tax returns so they could leak it and pretend they weren’t just going after the Clinton campaign. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

Wikileaks suggested to Jr. that Trump not concede if he lost, and should challenge the results (which he still did after winning). Jr. even emailed Steve Bannon, Kellyanne Conway, and Jared Kushner to tell them Wikileaks just made contact. Jared forwarded that email to Hope Hicks. How often have we seen Kellyanne on TV denying there was any collusion with Russia? Maybe twice?

In keeping with his strategy of not knowing when to shut up, Jr. tweeted out, “Here is the entire chain of messages with @wikileaks9 with my whopping 3 responses) which one of the congressional committees has chosen to selectively leak. How ironic!”

How terrible it must be when someone leaks proof you’re full of shit and a traitor.

Uh, Jr….the fact you replied even once can be described as a whopper. What else can be defined as whopperistic are your denials of collusion. If you were actually transparent you would have revealed this a very long time ago, at least around the time you were calling people liars who accused you of colluding. Or maybe, you could have revealed this after everyone found out you were hosting Russians who were promising dirt on Hillary in Trump Tower.

Jeff Sessions once said “good people don’t smoke marijuana,” but potheads have a better memory than these guys.

People are starting to think maybe Eric isn’t the dumb one after all. At this point, I’m starting to think Carter Page might be related.

Meanwhile, wingnuts are destroying Keurig coffee makers because the company pulled advertising from Sean Hannity’s show when that guy helped deflect Roy Moore’s pedophilia.

Destroying coffee makers should please Kellyanne Conway, who believes kitchen appliances can spy on us.

It’s hard to get cartoon ideas on people who are already cartoons.

Creative notes: Shortish blog today because I need to write ideas for two commissioned projects. Also, I’m not sure if this cartoon is good at all. But, sometimes I’ll go with something if it makes me laugh and I can have fun with it. It’s hard to tell sometimes when you don’t get your idea until 5:00 AM.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Scamelot

cjones11142017

I said it in a blog post a few days ago, and I’m gonna say it again. I’m old enough to remember when protecting America from Russia was a part of the Republican Party’s platform. And, I don’t think I’m that old.

Like Trump, when John F. Kennedy took office, critics questioned if he was up to the task. People worried he was too young, inexperienced, and that a much more seasoned player on the international stage like Nikita Khrushchev would manipulate and get the best of him. In Trump’s case, people worry he’s not up to the job because he’s a narcissistic idiot.

JFK was tested like no president before him. Lincoln may have had the hardest challenge of keeping the nation together, but Kennedy had the task of preventing nuclear Armageddon.

The Bay of Pigs disaster gave Kennedy’s critics every right for concern, but he proved he was the right man at the right time when he stared down Khrushchev, and Khrushchev blinked. Nearly every presidential historian has JFK and Lincoln in their top five of the greatest American presidents. Trump will be in every historian’s bottom five, if not rated the very worst.

If you’re a geek like I am, you read books grading each of our presidents. Even the worst presidents have a few positive details included about them. Most historians give Nixon high marks for his foreign policy and economic performance, and even James Buchanan is given credit for receiving concessions from Paraguay, China, and England…before he allowed the nation to split in two. Trump will probably only be given credit for winning an election, and even that will have an asterisk.

If Trump was president during the Cuban Missile Crisis, today there would be a lot of Soviet missiles 90 miles from Miami pointed at the United States. Trump has shown only appeasement to Russia, the nation that helped him win the presidency.

You wonder what else Putin has on Trump, as our president has never said one critical word about Russia’s president. Trump still cannot acknowledge the fact Russia meddled in our election. The guy truly is Putin’s puppet.

Trump isn’t just Putin’s puppet. He’s everyone’s puppet. All you have to do is give him praise or insults, and you can manipulate him to do what you want. China gave him a state dinner and in return, Trump refused to criticize their atrocious human rights record. He even followed China’s lead and didn’t allow our press to ask questions when he was in China, which is customary.

During the presidential campaign, Trump said China was raping us. During his Asia trip, he said he didn’t blame China for raping us. Like most Republicans, Trump would rather blame the victim of rape instead of the rapist.

Saudi Arabia gave him a sword dance and in return, Trump supported their criticism of Qatar (where we have a military base) and their recent internal power grab. He said, “they know what they’re doing.”

After Turkish President Erdogan seized more power and even had his security detail attack American protesters outside the Turkish embassy, Trump praised the guy and said, “he’s getting very high marks.”

The White House says Trump spoke to President Duterte of the Philippines about his extrajudicial killings, and the Philippine government tells us it never came up. However, Duterte did serenade Trump with a love song called “You are the Light.” Seriously. In fact, Trump said Duterte is doing an “unbelievable job” in fighting the drug war. Trump also chuckled when Duterte chastised the American press for asking questions and when he called them “spies.” So much for the President of the United States being a defender of freedom.

As much as Trump has sucked up to other autocrats, Putin takes the cake. Hell, Trump has probably baked him one. After Trump came into office, Putin asked him to host the Russian ambassador and Foreign Minister in the Oval Office. Trump dutifully complied, kicked out our press and allowed the Russians to bring their own.

During an international summit in Germany, Trump met with Putin and didn’t bring an American translator to their chat. He also went light on Putin about their meddling in our election and those of other nations.

Congress passed sanctions on Russia, and Trump has yet to implement them even though it’s past the deadline the legislative branch mandated.

Trump has continued to deny Russia ever meddled in the election, despite daily revelations of his campaign colluding with Russians. During Trump’s Asia trip, he got to hang out with Putin again.

During this meeting, Trump says he talked to Putin again about the meddling and Putin said he didn’t do it, and he’s offended by people saying he did. Trump said he believes him. Later, Trump said he believes our security experts, but he also believes Putin doesn’t think he meddled. Say what now?

Is Donald Trump seriously trying to convince us that Russia meddled but Putin isn’t aware of it? Seriously? That makes about as much sense as Roy Moore telling us that he never dated someone without their mother’s permission…when he was in his 30s.

Donald Trump is no JFK, no Abraham Lincoln, and he’s no Barack Obama. He’s not even a James Buchanan.

Creative notes: I can’t recall the last time I drew JFK or RFK. Maybe I never have. I wasn’t sure if I should go with this idea as I was wondering if it was funny enough, but I really got into it when I started adding all the little details. While writing today’s blog, the idea of including a Life Magazine came to me. It bugged me enough that I went back and added it, and then resent it to my clients, who already had the first version.

It would have eaten me alive every time I looked at the cartoon if I didn’t have Life Magazine.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Russian Troll Farm

cjones09202017

Today, we’re going to start with the basics and have a lesson on trolls. No. Not the mythological trolls who live under bridges, though some of these trolls would probably live under a bridge if that bridge was also a Wi-Fi hotspot.

We’re going to talk about internet trolls. Now, if you do not post stuff on the internet, like political cartoons or ever engage in online debates, then…GOOD FOR YOU! That’s very healthy for your mind and it means you will never encounter trolls. But, if you are the sort (like me) who posts opinions online or engage in online debates, then you are stalked by the cretins.

There are several types of internet trolls. The first is the troll who disrupts a conversation. If you post an opinion like, “Obama kept all of his promises,” and someone comes along and says, “but he didn’t shut down Guantanamo like he promised,” that person is not a troll. Someone disagreeing with you does not make them a troll. Though at times when you disagree with a conservative, he will accuse you of being a troll if you throw logic at him that he can’t refute. That is a tactic of a troll (we’ll cover more of those tactics in a bit).

The troll who disrupts merely disrupts because he’s trying to destroy the conversation and divert it into another direction until all the conversation consists of are insults. For example, let’s say you post that Trump’s Muslim ban is bigotry and unconstitutional, as he promised to ban Muslims while he was campaigning. An internet troll will enter your discussion and tell you how Islam is a violent religion and you hate America. He might even say if you don’t like it here then you should move to Iran, which he couldn’t find on a map if his troll life depended on it.

Another tactic of the troll is the art of deflection. For instance, you might start a conversation about how Trump University is a sham. The troll will come in and say something like “Benghazi” or “lock her up.” That doesn’t make any sense, does it? No. But, if you counter the troll by pointing out that his argument doesn’t make any sense, then the troll has achieved his objective because you’re not talking about Trump University anymore. Eventually, along the way, he’s going to call you a “libtard,” “snowflake,” and perhaps tell you that you desire a “safe space.” Other favorite terms for trolls are, “Odummer,” “Obummer,” and “Killary.” I know, they’re not very creative. Trolls never are. They all use the same code words because they’re not very good at formulating thoughts on their own. Also, watch out for “thug,” as that’s their replacement for the N-word.

Other troll tactics are never quitting. You can stop replying to them, but they’ll keep it up. If you do reply, that is commonly referred as “feeding the trolls.” Other tactics are using memes with fake stuff in them, like “Obama banned the Pledge of Allegiance.” One of their most effective tactics is the use of fake quotes. This is where they take a picture of someone, usually a founding father like Thomas Jefferson, and just make up some shit that he supposedly said like, “everyone should have a gun…and shoot their brown neighbor. It’s the American thing to do.” Trolls love them some fake quotes. Half the time, they don’t even know they’re fake, and they don’t care. Facts schmacts!

Another type of troll is the one who actually creates the post and starts the conversation. For example, last week I saw one of my conservative troll-like colleagues start a discussion wailing about the injustice Stephen Colbert gave toward religion because in his monologue, he mocked the Catholic church’s stance on gluten. Yes. Someone actually complained about this. A professional cartoonist, at that. Most of the conversation that followed consisted almost entirely of his fellow trolls, who all joined the wailing about the blasphemy Colbert directed at their religion. Of course, none of these people except for the original troll saw the monologue as they were all watching Fox News. This is the type of stuff used to create a divisive climate and to spread propaganda.

Which, is what the professional trolls do. These are the trolls that put actual heavy lifting into their trolling. The propagandists who made the phony videos that claimed Planned Parenthood was selling dead baby body parts were trolling on a grand scale. They put a lot of money into that trolling. Even after the videos were debunked, even by several state governments run by Republicans, the amateur trolls still believe it. Trolls don’t need facts or logic for their beliefs. They believe stuff based on their desire to believe it, like Obama was born in Kenya, and he’s a secret Muslim who went on an apology tour for America.

Now, if you go out and vote for Donald Trump and your vote is based only on lies, the troll doesn’t care. He’s done his job. The propaganda worked and it was cheap. The other person who doesn’t care if your vote was based on lies is Donald Trump. Of course, Trump is a major troll. His favorite troll term is “fake news.”

This is where the most dangerous trolls come in (along with the ones who inspire nuts to go on a shooting frenzy). Russian trolls. The Russian trolls aren’t just trying to decide an election. They’re trying to screw up other nation’s political systems. So far, they’ve done a very good job. America is full of all types of crazy, stupid people and all they needed was a little push.

During the campaign, we knew the Russians were putting fake information on the internet. Stuff like Hillary Clinton running a child-sex-slave shop out of the basement of a D.C. pizza parlor. Never mind that it wasn’t true, or that the pizza shop targeted doesn’t even have a basement. The objective is to make you believe it. Michael Flynn’s son was tweeting out the story about “Pizzagate” while he was on the Trump Transition team, and another guy believed it so much that he took a gun to the pizza shop and started shooting. Kinda like the guy who shot up the Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood office because those videos told him they were selling dead babies.

If you take this story and help spread it around, share it on the Facebook, retweet it on Twitter, then you are what is commonly referred to as a “useful idiot,” and of course you’re a troll. And, you’re not just any kind of troll. You’re troll cattle.

The Russians have troll farms. That’s where they create shit, breed troll cattle to feed the shit, and then have the cattle spread it. If you’ve ever spread bullshit on the internet, you’re a fucking troll cow and there’s a good chance you were working for the Russians…and for free. You’re a piece of shit.

As it turns out, nearly a year after the election it’s come to our attention that the Russians weren’t just dropping fake stories on the internet. They were paying for it. They paid Facebook over $100,000 for bullshit ads. And even worse, they were advertising rallies, where trolls could gather and get pissed off together.

With the way this information has slowly been revealed by Facebook, some are wondering if Putin has a pee tape of Mark Zuckerberg (someone else made up that joke, but I don’t know who so I can’t give him or her credit).

Most of these trolls don’t know they’re trolls. But, give yourself a test. If you believe in something just because you want to believe it, then you might be a troll. If you have shared something (like a meme) and didn’t research it to find out if it’s true, then you might be a troll. Google is free, people. It’s not hard to look shit up, and you’re on the internet anyway. Something sounding like it could be true to you does not make it true. There are 25 million people who believe Kim Jong Un is a god, but that doesn’t make him a god. There were 62 million Americans who thought Donald Trump would make a good president, and that shit ain’t coming true either. Ever. And, if you believe Trump won the popular vote and there were millions of people voting illegally for Clinton, you’re a goddamn troll.

The trolls are out there. Whether they know it or not, they could be working for Russians. Look for the traits. Look for the keywords, like “Benghazi,” “lock her up,” “libtard,”  “snowflake,” and “fake news.” Or, just look for the assholes.

Creative note: A couple weeks ago a colleague posted a question for other cartoonists, asking “what do you hate drawing the most?”. The number one answer was crowds. I don’t really mind crowds and I do it fairly often (as long as I don’t have to be in an actual crowd). The second most popular answer was…grass. I agree with that. Drawing grass sucks. Grass is in strands, it’s tiny, it’s green, and it can take all freaking day, or if you take the lazy route and do it very quickly, then it can look like crap. Fortunately for me, I’m aided by the fact that I don’t draw anything realistic. It’s because I’m sloppy. But, I will still spend seven stupid hours on a cartoon, with at least one hour of that drawing grass. I’d rather draw a crowd.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.