Pizza Rat

Fuhgeddaboudit, Giuliani


Cjones04142021

To be honest, it wasn’t very important that I draw this cartoon. On a normal day, I try to pick the most talked about issue, or maybe the most important…or what I think readers should be talking about. And then there are days like this…where it’s just too much fun. But the reason this isn’t that important is because Andrew Giuliani has zero chances of becoming governor of New York. It’s not going to happen.

Andrew Giuliani is the son of Rudy Giuliani. Fortunately for him, his mother is not his father’s cousin. That was his first wife. Andrew first came to fame during his dad’s mayoral inauguration in 1994, when he was a child. He was repeating the oath his father was taking, blew kisses to the cameras, mimicked his father’s hand gestures, and shouted, “It should be so and it will be so!” His actions were spoofed by David Letterman and Chris Farley impersonated him on Saturday Night Live.

Over the past four years, Andrew had a position in the White House where he was Special Assistant to the President (sic) and Associate Director of the Office of Public Liaison. He was really just hired to play golf with Trump. He’s a former professional golfer. Taxpayers paid Andrew $95,000 a year to play golf with Trump. While John Kelly was Chief of Staff, he blocked Andrew’s access to the West Wing.

The only reason Giuliani got his job in the White House is because his father was Trump’s buddy and personal lawyer. Is that a conflict? Probably. Unfortunately for Andrew, no one is going to give him his next job because his daddy is Rudy Giuliani.

I’m sure in the past, being Rudy’s kid was an all-access pass to a lot of good shit. Now, it might be a hindrance. Over the past four years, Andrew’s daddy, with his crazy conspiracy theories, public farting, melting hair dye, and press conferences in the parking lots of dildo shops, is a national laughingstock.

What’s also laughable is Andrew thinks his connections to Trump and his daddy will help him in liberal New York. Sure, Governor Andrew Cuomo is in hot water with scandals over nursing home deaths and accusations of heavy flirting to sexual assault. But, if Cuomo runs for reelection, a GOP nomination of Andrew Giuliani would surely get Cuomo reelected…if he’s the Democratic nominee.

Andrew Giuliani is still thinking over the idea of running for governor. Andrew needs to think on this one really hard…if a Trump is capable of thinking hard, because he has a less chance of being governor than…

The Rent-is-too-Damn-High guy. Jimmy McMillan is a New Yorker who has run for governor, mayor of New York City, and maybe president, though he never appeared on any state ballots. During the 2010 governor’s race, he ran on the campaign of the “rent is too damn high.” A lot of people laughed at him even though they all agreed. The rent is too damn high. McMillan’s party is the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. He’s the chairman and maybe the only member. Unfortunately, McMillan is also a Trumper. Ew. But, he still has a better chance of becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani. Andrew also has less of a chance than…

Mr. Stay-Puft. Despite being sent by Gozer, (also known as Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Gozer the Traveler, Volguus Zildrohar and Lord of the Sebouillia) fighting the Ghostbusters, and even stepping on a church in the process of trying to destroy the planet…Mr. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man still has a better shot at becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani. In fact, Gozer’s demi-god minions, Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster, and Zull, the Gatekeeper, have better shots than Andrew Giuliani…even if they are in the forms of ugly dogs. And if ugly doggy demi-gods have a better shot at moving to Albany than Andrew, then so does…

Anyone who has ever been honked at while walking across a street in New York City and shouted back, “I’m walking heah.” Here’s a fact: I have shouted, “We’re walking here,” in New York City. It was partly as a joke while in Manhattan while I was also being serious. While walking with Black Lives Matter, some fuckers started dropping water bottles on the protesters. So, I shouted, “We’re walking here” which a lot of fellow marchers approved of. The cops just shrugged off that we were being assaulted by dropped water bottles. Another fun fact: I’ve never seen the movie, “Midnight Cowboy.” My proofer, Laura, mentioned that movie while finding the boo-boos in today’s cartoon, and I thought she was referencing the other cowboy in this cartoon, who also has better odds of becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani. Who? I’m talking about the…

Naked Cowboy. Robert Burck is the Naked Cowboy. He busks in Times Square where fortunately, he’s not really naked. He is wearing tighty-whities though which isn’t much better. He’s also a former porn star, presidential candidate for the Tea Party and…ugh…a Trumper. Still though, he has a better shot than Andrew just like…

Anyone playing for the Mets has a better shot…despite the fact the Mets suck. When asking where to take a very smart girl on a date, Ross Geller told Joey Tribbiani to take her to the Met to which Joey replied, “The Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees.” Unfortunately for Joey, Ross was talking about the Metropolitan Museum of Art. But, Joey would still be a better governor than Andrew…even with a campaign of “How you doin’?” and “Joey doesn’t share food.” Even Joey’s duck has a better chance than Andrew…just like…

Whoever’s making the boneheaded decisions for The New York Jets. These guys drafted a quarterback in the first round three years ago…whom they just traded so they can draft another quarterback in the first round. The Jets haven’t had a first-round pick for a QB work out since 1965. Whoever’s running the Jets this week, or next, has a better shot at becoming governor than Andrew. But maybe the job of running the Jets should be taken over by someone else who can also beat Andrew, and that would be…

Pizza Rat. Pizza Rat couldn’t make worse calls for the Jets, is more likeable than any Giuliani, and knows a good slice when he sees one. Did you know New York City is the third most rat-infested city in the nation? They probably dropped from first place after the Trumps moved to Florida. Also, Pizza Rat knows how to eat a slice while Donald Trump does not and chose to use a knife and fork while dining with Sarah Palin. Pizza Rat probably has better dining partners than Trump too. Who lives near Pizza Rat, would make a better dining partner, and has a better shot at becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani? Why none other than…

C.H.U.D. What? What’s a C.H.U.D? Who’s a C.H.U.D? Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers are former humans who were mutated by radioactive materials illegally disposed of in the sewers. They’re nasty. They were the basis of a cult 1980s movie. Their main legacy may be slang for when you’re about to go out with someone, and your friend replies, “Girl, you don’t wanna date him. He’s a total C.H.U.D.” If someone thinks you look like a C.H.U.D, it’s not good. Though if you called Andrew Giuliani a “C.H.U.D,” C.H.U.D. would probably find that insulting. Still, being called a “C.H.U.D.” is better than getting, “girl, you don’t wanna go out with him. He’s a total Matt Gaetz.”

Every time I have ever used the word, “C.H.U.D,” I’ve had to explain it. Even in Manhattan to guys going down into the sewers.

While strolling near Times Square, after having a slice I did NOT eat with a knife and fork or steal from a rat, I saw some workers going into the sewers and I said, “Watch out for C.H.U.D.s!” They just looked at me like I was weird. One of the workers asked, “What’s a Chud?” I said, “You know…the movie? C.H.U.D? Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers?” I just got blank stares. It seems to me that if your job entails going into New York City sewers, then you wanna be familiar with C.H.U.D….who also has a better shot at becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani…and better dates than Matt Gaetz.

Also, why do Andrew Giuliani, Eric Trump, and Matt Gaetz all have the same teeth? People who draw caricatures notice these things.

Creative note: I drew a rough of this last Thursday and showed it to CNN, knowing we weren’t going to use it because it’s not a big issue. But, we had a lot of fun with it exchanging emails back and forth on the cartoon. One of my editors suggested I use Mr. Stay-Puft.

I was originally going to draw and publish this Sunday, but it was a lot of work. So I drew and published something else yesterday and then got to work on the lettering and template for this cartoon. When I woke up, I just had to draw it…and ended up changing a few more things. Also, I kinda wish I had used George Costanza somewhere. I could have used, “I won a contest.”

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