Full Approval Meets Full Crazy


I have a friend, let’s call him Mr. Jingle Balls. A few months ago I bumped into Mr. Jingle Balls and his girlfriend in a bar and we decided to sit at a table together and catch up. It had been a while since I’d seen either one of them. We got around to talking about the vaccine for the coronavirus. Ms. Jingle Balls told me she had gotten the vaccine and was glad she did but then went over her entire experience with it because she’s neurotic. Mr. Jingle Balls told me he had not gotten the vaccine and he wouldn’t. I was intrigued.

I didn’t want to debate Mr. Jingle Balls over a beer in a bar but I did want to know why he refuses to get vaccinated. I told him I wasn’t challenging him or trying to debate, but I just wanted to know why. Talking to a real person with a different viewpoint outside of social media is something everyone should do. Get out of your bubble, people. He didn’t go into great detail just stating it wasn’t the kind of thing he does. OK, he didn’t want to get into it but his answer didn’t make any sense. If it’s concern about a strange substance going into his body, that concern is gone with the whiskey, beer, and cigarettes he consumes. Also, he has a Kiss tattoo which is probably double the toxin being that it’s of Gene Simmons. Everyone knows the only safe Kiss tattoo to get is of Ace Frehley. Right now you’re probably asking, “How does Mr. Jingle Balls have a girlfriend?”.

Fun fact: Gene Simmons, like the FDA, has fully approved a vaccine to the coronavirus. You have to be fully vaccinated to attend a Kiss concert. Gene Simmons, the Demon, also claims to have slept with over 4,800 women, so he probably got over the fear of vaccines decades ago.

But, Mr. Jingle Balls isn’t someone I would classify as anti-vaccine. I mean, for himself, yeah. But he’s not on social media waging a war against the vaccine. He’s not trying to persuade people not to get it. Even when we were talking, he didn’t say anything discouraging about the vaccine and that’s one reason why I didn’t want to argue with my friend. For him, it seems more of a personal choice. That’s something anti-vaxxers should not. It’s still a choice.

I have another friend who we’ll call Crazy Mama (because she is), who is definitely anti-vaccine, and shockingly, she’s not a MAGAt wingnut. In fact, she hates Donald Trump but I think she hates vaccines more. She’s been all over social media waging a war against the vaccine and because I love her, I have not challenged her on this (but I have challenged her before on NASCAR. She loves NASCAR and probably has a #3 tattoo somewhere on her body. I’ve never seen her naked, so I don’t know. No, this doesn’t mean I’ve seen Mr. Jingle Balls naked). But, I did ask her once, “why?”. Crazy Mama told me because it hasn’t been approved by the FDA. Well, what’s her excuse going to be now?

The FDA has given full approval to the Pfizer vaccine. What has Crazy Mama got to say about this? I don’t know because since the announcement yesterday, all she’s posted on her Facebook page has been giraffe videos. So she has a thing about giraffes. I knew this. She probably has a giraffe tattoo with a #3 on it.

Yesterday, the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) gave full approval to the Pfizer vaccine to the coronavirus. They’re calling it a “key achievement for public health.” The FDA says the approval means “the public can be very confident that this vaccine meets the high standards for safety, effectiveness, and manufacturing quality the FDA requires of an approved product.” That means it’s no more dangerous than McNuggets.

Why wasn’t it already approved? And how was the product made available to the public before the FDA approved it? Why does anyone eat McNuggets? Those are three good questions.

The reason it was available is because the FDA granted emergency use. That’s kind of an approval right there and we were and are in an emergency. The reason it took so long for an approval is because the FDA takes its business seriously and the vaccines have to go through a full review. A full review does take time. Part of that review requires data on how people fared six months after being fully vaccinated. The reason some people eat McNuggets is fuck if I know.

Did you know they come in a 20-piece? Who in the hell can eat 20 McNuggets? Why would anyone eat 20 McNuggets? The late great Anthony Bourdain once said the McNugget is the most disgusting thing he’s ever put in his mouth, and this is coming from a guy who once ate a roasted anus from a water buffalo.

The two-dose Pfizer vaccine is approved for those 16 and over. There is still an emergency use authorization for those 12-15. The other vaccines, Johnson & Johnson, Moderna, AstraZeneca, etc, will probably follow with FDA approval. There are at least 22 vaccines for the virus worldwide. One is from Russia and even called Sputnik, which if it’s anything like their misinformation propaganda outlet with the same name, I’d have less fear in the anus from the water buffalo. But, still probably better than a McNugget.

A lot of people like Crazy Mama argue there wasn’t enough time to develop these vaccines for them to be effective. They’re wrong. Covid-19 is a successor to the SARS virus outbreak of 2002-03. Scientists have been developing vaccines for SARS since which is nearly two decades. Science stands on the shoulders of science.

Seriously, if you’re afraid of putting the vaccine into your body but you smoke, drink, get tattoos, eat McRibs and McNuggets, shut up.

Hopefully, full approval by the FDA will sway people who have been hesitant to get the vaccine. Dr. Anthony Fauci (who is another Anthony that would probably advise against eating McNuggets) speculates it will convince 20 percent of those who’ve been resistant. It probably won’t sway anti-vaxxers at all. But, it should create more mandates. The full approval will allow the Defense Department to mandate that all service members become vaccinated against the coronavirus. This isn’t as big of a deal as it sounds as the military has always mandated vaccines for its members.

Unfortunately, there still aren’t vaccines to fight against stupid and crazy…or McNuggets.

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