Oxford High School

Critical Gun Theory


Republicans are really good at protecting us from things that don’t exist. Remember when Donald Trump’s education secretary said there should be guns in schools to protect students from bears? But you have to admit, there have been no public school bear maulings since she brought it up. Bears must have heard this while watching Fox News and said, “Well, shit. We can’t maul children at schools anymore. We may as well just go the parking lot at Kroger and maul some shoppers there.”

Over the past year, Republicans have been livid over critical race theory. Some state legislatures even passed laws banning the teaching of critical race theory in public schools. They didn’t worry about private schools because they teach white victimization, white privilege doesn’t exist, and slaves were immigrants with job offers.

When Glenn Youngkin was campaigning for the governorship of Virginia, he kept talking about critical race theory, and then he’d talk some more about critical race theory, then he’d take a break to talk about President Biden sending the FBI after white parents, and then he’d talk some more about critical race theory. And it worked. He won by talking about critical race theory and that FBI-white-parents bullshit.

But you know what’s NOT in public schools anywhere in Virginia or the rest of the country? Critical race theory. Do you know what keeps getting into schools? Guns. Guns are continuing to get into schools and Republicans are not doing anything about it. Instead, they focus on imaginary problems.

Why don’t we just let critical race theory get into our schools and allow Republicans to protect students from it the way they protect students from mass shootings, with thoughts and prayers. Hey, they can pray that students don’t get educated. If Republicans have their way, they won’t. Look at Texas.

While Republicans have created laws to ban something from schools that don’t really exist, many of them are trying to create laws to put more guns into schools. Conservative logic is that guns are needed to save us from guns. They love the good-guy-with-a-gun argument except that fucking theory is total bullshit.

Remember the church shooting in Sutherland Springs, Texas in 2017? The shooter murdered 26 people and injured 22 more. A “good guy with a gun” arrived and chased the shooter down after shooting him twice. Republicans everywhere got an erection from this good-guy story because their health plans pay for Viagra. But the truth is, that good guy with a gun didn’t save one life. The good guy with a gun didn’t take any action until AFTER the shooter was done murdering people. The good guy shot the shooter twice, and the shooter still got into his vehicle. The good guy was an NRA shooting instructor and still wasn’t able to stop the shooter before he killed 26 people. The good guy with a gun went after the shooter, never mind the people bleeding to death inside the church. If that good guy had actually gone into the church to stop someone’s bleeding instead of being a macho man and snapping into a Slim Jim while roaring down a Texas highway after a shooter the cops were also chasing, perhaps he would have saved a life. Perhaps the good guy with a gun could have actually been a good guy.

The shooter shot over 700 rounds in 11 minutes. Where was the good guy with a gun? Outside waiting for the shooter to emerge after he was done murdering people. The good guy saved ZERO lives. The good guy just wanted to play Rambo without putting his life in danger. He allowed people inside the church to bleed to death. The good guy became a right-wing folk hero. Also, that was in Texas. It’s hard to believe there wasn’t at least one parishioner inside that church who wasn’t packing.

There was another school shooting yesterday, this time in Oxford, Michigan. Three students are dead and eight others were wounded. The shooting was carried out by a 15-year-old who used a 9 mm Sig Sauer SP2022 semi-automatic pistol that was bought for him by his father on…wait for it…Black Friday. Three 15-round magazines were purchased with the pistol and the kid took all three with him. Thanks, Super Dad. This kid killed and injured more people than Kyle Rittenhouse. Maybe he can use the Rittenhouse self-defense defense. Maybe one of the people he shot was about to slap him with a ruler.

Also, I’m not sure the kid had enough weaponry. He was going into a school with a semi-automatic pistol. Someone in that school could have had a skateboard and you know the only defense against a skateboard is an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. Did you know that because he’s so good at skateboarding, Tony Hawk is considered the most dangerous person in America? Look it up. It’s true.

What will Republicans do about this latest shooting? Thoughts and prayers. Now, if someone tries to bring critical race theory into the school, then we’ll see some Republican outrage. And using GOP logic, we need critical race theory in public schools to protect students from critical race theory.

Guns in schools is not a theory. They’re real and they kill. The real theory is that Republicans actually care about protecting children from gun violence. Hell, the only Republican who remembers Sandy Hook is Alex Jones.

Republicans are good at protecting us from shit that doesn’t exist. It’s like solving non-existent problems.

Creative note: Two fun facts about today’s cartoon: It kept waking me up. I went to bed with the idea and I kept waking up wondering how to do it. This happens more often than you’d think. My cartoons wake me up.
Fact two: I drew it while listening to the Sex Pistols.

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