For God’s sake, what is it now?
Trump is orange. He’s been orange for a very long time. There have been multiple articles about his orangeness with various theories offered to explain why his face looks like a baboon’s ass. The number of scholars who have offered opinions to explain the phenomenon of his hue is only rivaled by those trying to figure out just what the hell that is sitting on his head. Is it a toupe, ridiculous combover, truffle, or an unfortunate beaver who spent his entire life beaver sinning and his punishment in death is to sit bleached on top of Trump’s head?
Trump’s orange skin is doesn’t get much attention from media pundits, but it does inspire some of the nicknames he’s acquired over the past few years. Right now you’re thinking, a dignified and mature journalist would never post a list of hostile and petty nicknames for Donald Trump based upon his skin tone.
So here they are: Agent Orange, Angry Creamsicle, Boiled Ham in a Wig, Bribe of Chuck, Butternut Squash, Cheddar Boy, Cheeto Benito, Cheeto Mussolini, Cheeto Fuhrer, Cheeto Jesus, Cheeto-Dusted Bloviator, Cheeto-in-Chief, Cheez Doodle, Cheez Wiz, Cinnamon Hitler, Cheeto Christ Stupid Czar, Comrade Cheetolino, Corn Husk Doll Cursed by a Witch, Decomposing Jack O’ Lantern, Dehydrated Orange Peel, Fascist Loofa-Faced Shit-Gibbon, Fuckface von Clownstick, Gossamer-Skinned Bully, John Boehner’s Tanning Partner in Crime, Killer Klown from Outer Space, King of the Oompa Loompas, Orange Anus, Orange Back Gorilla, Pile of Old Garbage Covered in Vodka Sauce, Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo, Sack of Gilded Lunchmeat, Screaming Carrot Demon, Tan Dump Lord, Tangerine Tornado, Tangerine-Tinted Trash-Can Fire, The Human Corncob, Xenophobic Sweet Potato, The Angry Cheeto, Captain Crunch, Deeply Disturbed Fuzzy Orange Goofball, Don of Orange, Great Orange Hairball of Fear, The Human Tanning Bed Warning Label, Last of the Mango Mohawkans, Orange Bozo, Orange Caligula, Orange Clown, Orange-Hued Self-Immolator, Orange Man, The Orange Messiah, Orange Moron, Orange Omen of Doom, Orange Toilet Bowl Crud Brought to Life as a Genital-Grabbing Golem, Orange-Tufted Imbecile Intent on Armageddon, Orange-Tufted Asshole, OranguTAN, President Goldman Sucks, Pudgy McTrumpcake, Putin’s Papaya-Flavored Pawn, Queer Orangutan, The Talking Yam, Thin-Skinned Orange Peel, Orange Dildo, and Orange-Flavored Shitgibbon.
Why is his skin orange? So, so very orange. Is it a spray tan? Does he use a tanning bed? Is it all clown makeup? Is it an allergic reaction to Adderall? Are tanning goggles the explanation as to why he has the reverse-raccoon look happening? His sycophants in the White House tried to explain that he’s so orange because of good genes. No. An orange is orange because of good genes. Trump has boasted about his genes in the past, comparing himself to a racehorse. If Trump was a racehorse, he’d either be glue or dog food by now. Also, that’d be one orange, racist racehorse.
But finally, we have an explanation and with it, Trump’s admittance that he “looks” orange. He didn’t admit he is orange.
Because Republicans don’t have enough shit to get upset over, they often make stuff up or recycle past outrages. Several years ago, they were upset that the government put restrictions on light bulbs. The new light bulbs are more expensive, but better for the environment and last longer. A lot longer. They’re really better light bulbs. Conservatives got upset for a while until new fake outrages came along, like Obama put mustard on a burger, and then at some point, they realized the new energy-efficient light bulbs are actually better than the old incandescent bulbs, so they shut up about it. But now, Donald Trump has brought the old gripe back.
The Trump administration is easing restrictions on the old, nasty, wasteful incandescent bulbs, which is just shy better than lighting your home with a burning garbage can in the living room. I thought it was just another move to erase Obama’s legacy, but as it turns out, it’s even more personal than that.
While speaking to Republican House members in Baltimore Thursday, Trump said, “The bulb that we’re being forced to use – No. 1, to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. And so do you.” No, I don’t look orange. In fact, I don’t think any of us looks orange. Even Trump’s kid’s, they might look like entitled trust-fund baby assholes, but they don’t look orange. But hey, Trump has admitted he “looks” orange. The next step is for him to admit he IS orange.
This may not be Trump lying as much as it’s him refusing to accept reality. He lies about his weight and height, but he honestly may not realize just how ridiculous he looks. He may not see it in mirrors, but I’m sure he notices in pictures. He’s decided the explanation is that LED light bulbs are to blame. He’s already made an admiral doctor lie about his weight and height so the next step will be convincing government scientists that liberal light bulbs make him look orange. It’ll be Sharpiegate all over again.
The truth is, the light bulbs don’t make Trump look orange. He looks orange when he’s outside, whether it’s overcast, raining, or sunny. And there’s also the fact he’s been orange for at least two decades. If it’s his “good genes” that are making him orange, they didn’t kick in until the year 2000.
Trump is a ridiculous human being. And even though it sounds petty, I wouldn’t have voted for him based on his hair alone. Anyone who willfully makes himself look like shouldn’t be trusted to select a cable provider less enough possess codes to nuclear weapons.
Trump makes himself orange. Light bulbs don’t make him orange anymore than they make him a narcissistic racist. And before he tries, no. Paper straws aren’t the reason he sucks.
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