NY Primary

The Wrath Of Apples


cjones04202016

Have you seen those Redd’s Apple Ale commercials? Someone doesn’t know what to order and he’s suddenly struck in the side of the head by an apple, so he orders the beverage. I assume it’s red alcohol which has to taste like crap because that’s how red soda tastes. I’ve never seen anyone drink one but I imagine it’s consumed by bearded, beanie-wearing hipsters when they can afford something better than PBR.

Creepy Ted Cruz has been bragging about his winning streak. How he’s won five states in a row and Trump is fading. He was really silent tonight following his New York collapse. He was chased out of NYC faster than Washington was by the British (I was a history major, yo). Now everyone is making him out to be Texas toast…or in his case, cooked like Canadian bacon. I’m on a metaphorical roll tonight.

Cruz crashed and burned in the Empire state. He got zero delegates and only 15% of the vote. John Kasich won more than he did and people are going to forget that guy’s name next week. Now the primaries go to Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island where Cruz may lose all five states.

Cruz keeps making the argument that Trump can’t win the nomination without 1,237 delegates, which is a bizarre argument when he has about 200 fewer than Trump. How do you tell the convention that Trump’s better numbers disqualify him, but your sorrier state of numbers should promote you? That would be like Kevin Hart saying Michael Jordan isn’t tall enough (I was originally going with Gary Coleman from Diff’rent Strokes, but he’s dead and Kevin Hart is much more current. Plus, it seems everyone really hates Kevin Hart). I’m also baffled when he talks about the large voting block that has voted against Trump, ignoring that far more people have avoided voting for Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz is fortunate that those who have actually voted for him haven’t had to spend a minute in an elevator with him, which would make for great punishment for voting for Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s only strategy is to prevent Trump from securing the nomination. It’s not even about convincing people to vote for Cruz, just so long as they don’t vote for Trump. If they do vote for Trump then make sure he doesn’t get the delegates. The primaries are not about democracy. What’s democratic about a caucus anyway?

This race is amazing. Ted Cruz is the stupid smart guy snaking delegates. The front runner doesn’t know what he’s doing. The guy who could give Hillary Clinton the tightest race has only won one state, which he’s governor of. And get this: without someone securing the nomination then the convention starts off as a party without a host. The nominee’s campaign can’t schedule the event. It’s going to be like a drunken orgy without the fun of a drunken orgy, not that anybody wants to see a Ted Cruz-Donald Trump orgy, and nobody could possibly get that drunk. Sorry if I just put that into your head. One detail that should be added to the event is special recognition for Heidi and Melania for having to sleep with those guys.

One detail that should alarm Cruz and the Stop Trump movement is that Trump didn’t refer to Cruz as “LyEn Ted” during his victory speech. He actually called him “Senator” which is something we often forget he is. If Trump isn’t intimidated by you anymore then you’re in trouble. Trump can’t spell and he confuses 9/11 for seven 11.

I do hope Ted Cruz learned something about New York Values this week. Chris Matthews, who sucks at analogies, actually described it perfectly tonight. You can’t call the place Gomorrah and then go pandering for their vote. That’s like saying “yeah, I called you a big fat greasy ho, but I meant it in a nice way.” Now Matthews will repeat that line every three minutes for the next four weeks.

A colleague of mine made a comment last week that his Ted Cruz caricature was looking a lot like Quagmire from Family Guy. I’ve been getting that comment for at least a month. He’s Quagmire without the giggity.

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Bernie’s Vatican Detour


cjones04172016

Bernie Sanders took a two day break from campaigning in New York to give a speech at the Vatican.

Sanders has momentum and he draws larger crowds than any of the other candidates. Last week he drew over 27,000 to a rally in Washington Square in New York City. You’re not going to see those crowds at a Clinton, Cruz or even a Trump rally. Going to the Vatican to meet the Pope further adds to the impression of Sanders’ momentum.

This momentum isn’t going to deliver a victory in New York. There’s debate that his two day swing away from the campaign was a waste of time and money. Reportedly he spent $2 million of his campaign’s money to take his family with him to Rome on a private plane. I don’t see an issue with that. When people donate money to a campaign, you’re allowing them to use the funds the way they believe best to win. I doubt if many of Sanders’ contributors, who give an average of $27.00, are upset over this expense.

Things are getting hot between Sanders and Clinton, but not nearly as heated as between their supporters. Many swear they won’t support the other if they become the nominee. It’s getting insane. I’ve been accused of supporting Hillary and feeling the Bern. Other times I’ve been accused of being a right winger for my cartoons on the two, which makes me believe the critic has only seen one cartoon of mine in the 25 years I’ve been doing this. It doesn’t get much more insulting than being called a right winger.

Here’s the truth. The hard truth for many. Hillary Clinton is going to be the next president. She’s going to defeat Sanders in New York and eventually win the nomination. It doesn’t matter who the GOP nominates as the Democrats are set with 240 definite electoral votes. Republicans are so determined to stop Trump that they don’t realize Cruz is just as much of a drag on their ticket and will lose House and Senate seats this November.

Sanders may not win but he’s been very influential, even pulling Hillary further to the left. That’s something Obama waited six years into his presidency to do. My hope is that the issues Sanders is bringing to the table now don’t fade away after November.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!