New York Primary

The Wrath Of Apples

Have you seen those Redd’s Apple Ale commercials? Someone doesn’t know what to order and he’s suddenly struck in the side of the head by an apple, so he orders the beverage. I assume it’s red alcohol which has to taste like crap because that’s how red soda tastes. I’ve never seen anyone drink one but I imagine it’s consumed by bearded, beanie-wearing hipsters when they can afford something better than PBR.

Creepy Ted Cruz has been bragging about his winning streak. How he’s won five states in a row and Trump is fading. He was really silent tonight following his New York collapse. He was chased out of NYC faster than Washington was by the British (I was a history major, yo). Now everyone is making him out to be Texas toast…or in his case, cooked like Canadian bacon. I’m on a metaphorical roll tonight.

Cruz crashed and burned in the Empire state. He got zero delegates and only 15% of the vote. John Kasich won more than he did and people are going to forget that guy’s name next week. Now the primaries go to Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island where Cruz may lose all five states.

Cruz keeps making the argument that Trump can’t win the nomination without 1,237 delegates, which is a bizarre argument when he has about 200 fewer than Trump. How do you tell the convention that Trump’s better numbers disqualify him, but your sorrier state of numbers should promote you? That would be like Kevin Hart saying Michael Jordan isn’t tall enough (I was originally going with Gary Coleman from Diff’rent Strokes, but he’s dead and Kevin Hart is much more current. Plus, it seems everyone really hates Kevin Hart). I’m also baffled when he talks about the large voting block that has voted against Trump, ignoring that far more people have avoided voting for Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz is fortunate that those who have actually voted for him haven’t had to spend a minute in an elevator with him, which would make for great punishment for voting for Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s only strategy is to prevent Trump from securing the nomination. It’s not even about convincing people to vote for Cruz, just so long as they don’t vote for Trump. If they do vote for Trump then make sure he doesn’t get the delegates. The primaries are not about democracy. What’s democratic about a caucus anyway?

This race is amazing. Ted Cruz is the stupid smart guy snaking delegates. The front runner doesn’t know what he’s doing. The guy who could give Hillary Clinton the tightest race has only won one state, which he’s governor of. And get this: without someone securing the nomination then the convention starts off as a party without a host. The nominee’s campaign can’t schedule the event. It’s going to be like a drunken orgy without the fun of a drunken orgy, not that anybody wants to see a Ted Cruz-Donald Trump orgy, and nobody could possibly get that drunk. Sorry if I just put that into your head. One detail that should be added to the event is special recognition for Heidi and Melania for having to sleep with those guys.

One detail that should alarm Cruz and the Stop Trump movement is that Trump didn’t refer to Cruz as “LyEn Ted” during his victory speech. He actually called him “Senator” which is something we often forget he is. If Trump isn’t intimidated by you anymore then you’re in trouble. Trump can’t spell and he confuses 9/11 for seven 11.

I do hope Ted Cruz learned something about New York Values this week. Chris Matthews, who sucks at analogies, actually described it perfectly tonight. You can’t call the place Gomorrah and then go pandering for their vote. That’s like saying “yeah, I called you a big fat greasy ho, but I meant it in a nice way.” Now Matthews will repeat that line every three minutes for the next four weeks.

A colleague of mine made a comment last week that his Ted Cruz caricature was looking a lot like Quagmire from Family Guy. I’ve been getting that comment for at least a month. He’s Quagmire without the giggity.

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Slurpee Trump

This is not my newest cartoon for newspapers and assorted web clients of mine. It’s just me goofing on my tablet again (drawn in ArtRage) while waiting for tonight’s campaign coverage from New York.

I thought Trump’s gaffe from yesterday where he mistakenly said “seven 11” instead of “9/11,” was amusing. It’s not really something I wanted to hit him hard on. Everyone has had that moment, especially those who do a lot of public speaking. Remember Obama’s “57 states”? It’s the stuff Trump actually intends to say that is really idiotic.

I still think it’s amusing. There are a lot of “never forget” memes circulating on social media today. The idea of Trump with Slurpee hair was amusing to me, and could be another explanation for whatever the hell it is he has going on up there.

Now I really want a slurpee…and not one of those Trump slurpees.

This is another reason people should subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter. I will throw out little extras here now and then that you won’t find at my usual client sites. Now that I said that I’ll probably send it to my clients anyway. Some of them really like the goofy, silly stuff.

Enlightened New York

Honestly, I think Cruz voters might be more radical, extreme, delusional, and in need of psychotherapy than Trump voters, but nobody in New York is going to be seen wearing a Cruz T-shirt.

There’s an impression that New York Republicans are more fiscally conservative than socially conservative and are not lunatics believing in birtherism and such. That is the wrong impression. They may not go for a religious zealot from Texas who was born in Canada, but they did make Tea Partier Carl Paladino their nominee for the governorship. Paladino is a homophobic right-wing nut-job who loves to send out sexist and racist emails to friends. He lost in a landslide to the eventual governor Andrew Cuomo.

Trump may be leading in a landslide against John Kasich and Ted Cruz (who’s going to come in third Tuesday), because he’s from New York, but New York Republicans are still supporting a maniac.

New York is full of highly educated professionals. They are considered intelligent, progressive, and enlightened. There are over 19 million people living in the state of New York. Fewer than three million are Republicans. Go figure that one out.

Bernie’s Vatican Detour

Bernie Sanders took a two day break from campaigning in New York to give a speech at the Vatican.

Sanders has momentum and he draws larger crowds than any of the other candidates. Last week he drew over 27,000 to a rally in Washington Square in New York City. You’re not going to see those crowds at a Clinton, Cruz or even a Trump rally. Going to the Vatican to meet the Pope further adds to the impression of Sanders’ momentum.

This momentum isn’t going to deliver a victory in New York. There’s debate that his two day swing away from the campaign was a waste of time and money. Reportedly he spent $2 million of his campaign’s money to take his family with him to Rome on a private plane. I don’t see an issue with that. When people donate money to a campaign, you’re allowing them to use the funds the way they believe best to win. I doubt if many of Sanders’ contributors, who give an average of $27.00, are upset over this expense.

Things are getting hot between Sanders and Clinton, but not nearly as heated as between their supporters. Many swear they won’t support the other if they become the nominee. It’s getting insane. I’ve been accused of supporting Hillary and feeling the Bern. Other times I’ve been accused of being a right winger for my cartoons on the two, which makes me believe the critic has only seen one cartoon of mine in the 25 years I’ve been doing this. It doesn’t get much more insulting than being called a right winger.

Here’s the truth. The hard truth for many. Hillary Clinton is going to be the next president. She’s going to defeat Sanders in New York and eventually win the nomination. It doesn’t matter who the GOP nominates as the Democrats are set with 240 definite electoral votes. Republicans are so determined to stop Trump that they don’t realize Cruz is just as much of a drag on their ticket and will lose House and Senate seats this November.

Sanders may not win but he’s been very influential, even pulling Hillary further to the left. That’s something Obama waited six years into his presidency to do. My hope is that the issues Sanders is bringing to the table now don’t fade away after November.

Stupid People Time

There’s one really good rule for white people when it comes to telling a joke about black people. Don’t. Since this particular example is from a “black” joke, let’s not overlook that it’s probably not cool to ever make jokes about any race. Hey, while you’re at it how about cutting it out with the gay jokes? And all those conservatives sharing their favorite transgender bathroom joke on Facebook this week, you’re a clear example of why conservatives aren’t ever funny. Well not intentionally. Ted Cruz once brought a lawsuit to stop sex toys from being sold in Texas and that’s pretty funny.

You can call it political correctness not to make racists, homophobic, sexists, or misogynistic jokes. I just think it’s not being a jerk. If your sophistication and taste in humor hasn’t advanced beyond a high school sophomore then you probably shouldn’t be discussing politics…or running for the presidency.

Hillary Clinton and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio did a little skit where he referenced “CP Time.” That’s slang for “colored people” time. He was referring to his delay in endorsing Clinton and what “CP” actually meant was “Cautious Politician.” They are catching some Hell.

Sometimes a joke is so good and you realize it’s harmless that it’s worth the risk. This was not that joke. It wasn’t a good joke. It wasn’t funny. It was cringe worthy. When I draw a cartoon that I know is going to offend people and even be somewhat dangerous, I make sure it’s making a good point…or at least really funny. Yeah, that joke didn’t do any of that. It really wasn’t worth it.

Obama made a colored people time joke once. But Obama can do that. If you don’t know why, then you are an idiot and should stop reading my blog and never return here ever again.

I don’t care if you have the black vote, black friends, black kids, a black wife, dated blacks, watched Roots 17 times, or if you’re Rachel Dolezal. White people should not tell black jokes. And I’m whiter than any of you so take my word for it.

Clinton and de Blasio are not racists. They committed the sin that most white people will commit at some point in their lives, usually more than once. They are so comfortable with African Americans that they relaxed to the point they think it’s OK to make that joke. They believe they’ll get a free pass. To that, I don’t think they actually offended anyone and instead shocked the audience at their stupidity. They made people cringe and shake their heads. Now if it had been funny and had a point, well then things might be different.

Oompa Loompas, on the other hand, have a very poor lobby so making fun of Donald Trump’s chosen skin tone is still OK.

Please try to give the coloring in this cartoon extra attention because I had to color it twice. After I finished coloring (the first time) the program crashed just as I was trying to save it. It takes me longer to color a cartoon now because I switched things up and the program is new. It is teaching me save as I work which is always a good idea with anything on a computer. I can’t count the number of times I lost a blog entry just as I was…

Bernie’s Tokens

I’ll catch some heat for this one. If you think the vitriol is heated between Sanders and Clinton, check out what their supporters are hurling at each other? Many are pledging they won’t support the other candidate if he or she becomes the nominee. They seriously need to calm down before we have a President Trump, President Cruz, or even a President Ryan.

Bernie Sanders promised not to go negative. A few days ago he said Hillary Clinton is not qualified to be president. That’s pretty negative. On Friday he stated that she was qaulified. Where did this come from? Before all this, Clinton gave an interview where she was asked if Sanders was qualified. She never stated he was, but didn’t say he wasn’t. That ticked Sanders off.

You can hate Hillary, believe she’s the spawn of Satan, that the FBI is going to send her to prison, whatever and that’s fine. But she’s the most qualified candidate running for president. She was a United States senator twice elected for the second largest state in the country. She was Secretary of State. She’s pretty qualified. She also eventually stated that Sanders is qualified for president.

The other part of this is Sanders’ statement that you need a token to get on the Subway. What? I have never been on the NYC subway but I know they don’t use tokens. I would just assume they wouldn’t because I’ve been on the D.C. metro thousands of times and they haven’t used tokens since before 1998 when I first rode them. Hillary also had a problem swiping her card to get on the Subway. Let’s face facts here. None of the candidates are frequent users of public transportation. They probably don’t even drive themselves, except for Sanders.

I didn’t intend to throw a lot of art into this cartoon but I had to put Bernie in the foreground so the text on the tokens are readable. After I was done penciling I realized I had the stalls backwards. The entry was facing away from Sanders. I almost let it slide but it bothered me enough to know it was really gonna annoy me after it was published. There would be that one New Yorker to notice and scream at me.

Correction: I meant to double check before I published but forgot. New York is the FOURTH largest state, not the second. It goes in order of California, Texas, Florida and then New York. Florida and New York do have the same number of electoral votes.

Cruz In New York

It was a few months ago that Ted Cruz attacked Donald Trump for having “New York values.” That went over pretty well in the sticks of Iowa and is the sort of insult that appeals to the rube voter. Now Cruz is in New York.

After making his New York Values insult, Cruz said it wasn’t hard to figure out what it meant and that people in South Carolina knew what it meant. Now, despite it not being hard to figure out, Ted is spinning his definition as something directed toward New York big city liberals. No matter how terrible he views New York, he wants some of its 90 delegates. Cruz is handing this awkwardness about as well as someone who just asked a non-pregnant woman when is her baby due.

Cruz visited the Bronx on Wednesday where he might have been greeted a bit nicer than Hitler would have been walking through a Warsaw Ghetto. Cruz was shouted at in a variety of languages as he was met by protesters. One stated “Ted Cruz has no business being in the Bronx, this is an immigrant community,” He had to cancel a visit to a Bronx high school Thursday as students threatened to walk out. Many in the five boroughs are telling Ted what he can do with his photo op. Too bad there’s not a primary in Canada.

New Yorkers aren’t in love with Donald Trump either but in a race against Cruz he’s pulling in over 50% in the most recent polls. I guess they can forgive he uses a fork to eat a New York slice. He held a rally, also greeted by protesters, but also left many supporters unable to squeeze into the room. Suddenly, Trumps New Yorker accent got a lot thicker. “This guy, he talks about us like we ain’t no good.”

John Kasich stand no chance to win in New York, but he does know how to experience the city. Ohio’s governor visited Mike’s Deli in the Bronx and got food busy. He ate two plates of spaghetti bolognese. That would have been lunch for me but Kasich didn’t stop there. Next he tackled a sandwich called the Yankee Stadium big boy which contains mozzarella and four types of meat. The sandwich was huge. He then had some pasta fagioli and a little red wine. Kasich left the deli wiping sweat off his brow. If he’s anything like me he went into a food coma and needed a nap later. Damn. Now I’m hungry.

Cruz also visited Mike’s Deli on Wednesday where he was told how to eat a sandwich. Apparently it’s bad luck to place it upside down (I always do that whether it’s a sandwich or a burger. Uh Oh!).

When Cruz made his remark on New York Values we had yet had a primary. Since then he lost big where he was supposed to win, the South. Evangelicals voted for Trump. How about that, Ted? All of a sudden Cruz needs New York. If Cruz had done better in the South he wouldn’t even be campaigning in New York today. But hey, Ted, if you can make it there you can make it anywhere. You ain’t gonna make it. There’s four more boroughs in the city and I think I can speak for everyone that you should visit each of them. The New York Daily News splashed across their front page “Take the FU train, Ted.” Good idea. Don’t expect to use tokens.

I think it’s safe to bet neither Trump or Cruz would ever eat anything named “fagioli.”

claytoonz

Nationally Syndicated Editorial Cartoonist