New York City

Weisselberg And Shitweasel


Cjones05312021

After two years of being investigated by the state of New York and the Manhattan District Attorney, who decided to combine their forces to become an anti-Trump version of Super Friends, we have gotten to the point of a grand jury.

I don’t think there’s much question if Donald Trump will be indicted or not. There’s an old saying a grand jury will indict a ham sandwich is that’s what the district attorney wants…and this DA is hungry. The real question here is: Why did it take two years? And we’re just now getting to a grand jury which has a six month lease on hearing testimony? Also, this is a “special” grand jury so it’s an even bigger deal than your run-of-the-mill everyday grand juries.

What’s so special about a special grand jury? A regular grand jury decides if charges should be brought against a suspect. A “special” grandy jury is when it involves organized crime. And trust me on this, Donald Trump may not be very well organized, but he is a criminal. The weird thing about it taking over two years in New York is that Donald Trump spent his entire presidency soliciting corruption without even trying to hide it.

Donald Trump accepted foreign money into his hotels and resorts while he was president. Saudi Arabia and other nations would rent rooms at Trump hotels in Washington, New York, and Chicago while not actually staying in the hotels. They wanted to bribe Trump without the ickiness of actually staying in his nasty hotels. They would occasionally stick underlings in his hotels while the major diplomats would stay at better venues. It’s nice to sleep without things crawling on you.

Every Republican event over the past five years has been held at a Trump venue to curry favor with Donald Trump. Why? Because every Republican knows Donald Trump is corrupt. They don’t think it’s a big deal because, eh, they’re Republicans. Republicans don’t care about corruption. Today, “corrupt Republican” is redundant.

One of Donald Trump’s corrupt cabinet secretaries wanted to purchase a mattress from his hotel, like it was the only place in Washington to purchase a mattress. I seriously doubt the hotel specializes in selling mattresses, though I hear if you do buy a mattress from a Trump property, they come pre-bedbugged. Another corrupt Trump cabinet secretary (that’s redundant too), William Barr, threw a party at the Trump Hotel ballroom in D.C. Imagine having to be seen at a William Barr party so you can be considered one of the “cool kids.” At some point, every Republican in Washington had lunch or dinner at the Trump Hotel. It’s where Rudy, Lev, and Igor would plot their schemes while rubbing their hands together and saying, “Bwahahahahaha.” Republicans and foreign diplomats wanted to be seen giving business to Donald Trump, which in return, was giving us the businesses.

Donald Trump spent nearly every weekend at one of his golf resorts. This was to force the government to spend money at Trump properties. After he was placed into office by Russian goons, he raised the rates on his rooms which he rented to the Secret Service. On top of that, the Secret Service had to rent rooms while they weren’t even using them just in case “the president” (sic) might want to go to one of his resorts that weekend. Now that he’s made Mar-a-Lago his residence, he’s raised the rent on rooms for the Secret Service. He’s even forced the Secret Service to rent golf carts to follow him while he cheats at golf and steals balls from little boys. He literally charges the government to protect him. Before he left office, he extended protection for his corrupt kids. Not because he’s worried about their safety but because it’s more rooms to charge us at his resorts.

For the past five years, you have been paying for rooms at Trump resorts while never having the privelige of staying in one yourself and being covered head-to-toe in itchy bitey crawling bedbugs. Poor you.

He’s spending the summer at his New Jersey resort and his penthouse in Trump Tower. You know the Secret Service is spending a lot of money at both locations. When Trump became his party’s nominee in 2016, the Secret Service rented space at Trump Tower, where the campaign HQ was being run and hosting Russians to give dirt on Hillary Clinton. Eventually, the Secret Service moved out and camped in a van on the street. Why? Because Donald Trump kept jacking up the rent and the van didn’t have bedbugs. He did the same thing to his campaign and to the Republican National Committee. No, he didn’t pay the rent for his campaign. Donors did.

During his presidency, Mike Pence visited Dublin (in case you’re a Republican, that’s in Ireland). What was really Dublin was the corruption (see what I did there?). Instead of staying in a hotel in Dublin, where Donald Trump doesn’t own any property, Pence had to fly 180 miles out of his way, and back the next day, to stay at a shitty Trump resort. Fortunately for Pence, creepy icky things don’t crawl on him out of professional courtesy. They have more courtesy for ass-kissing Pence than MAGA terrorists who raided the Capitol with nooses while chanting, “Hang Mike Pence.”

Military flights were also moved around Europe so military personnel would be forced to stay at Trump resorts. The administration made excuses for it, but they didn’t hide it.

Trump’s corrupt ambassador to the United Kingdom and owner of the New York Jets, Woody Would-Not-Ever-Win-A-Super-Bowl Johnson, tried to get the British Open (that’s a golf tournament) to be held at a Trump golf resort in the UK.

Trump himself attempted to get the G7 Summit held at his shitty bed-bug-infested resort in Miami, which is like the Bates Motel, if it had the charm and fewer bedbugs. Though I do hear Boris Johnson is also pre-bedbugged.

Trump’s entire administration was corrupt. Jared Kushner’s properties received bailouts from Persian Gulf nations. Kellyanne Conway hawked Ivanka’s products on TV. Government websites advertised for Trump properties. His family and the Kushners sold access to the presidency. Donald Trump even pardoned Steve Bannon after he was convicted for a corrupt fundraising scheme over building Trump’s racist border wall. Trump’s pardons, when not being used for political pandering, were bribes. Goons like Roger Stone don’t get pardons because they’re nice people to whom the system has been unfair to.

Trump is being investigated in New York for his hush payments to porn starts and nude models. He’s being investigated for shitty schemes like paying Ivanka as a consultant while she was also an employee. He’s being investigated for a lot of shady tax shit that’s has left him with teeny tiny tax bills…when he had tax bills. You thought I was going to refer to something else of his that’s “teeny” and “tiny,” didn’t you? Sorry to disappoint you, but today we’re totally focused on his corrupt business dealings and won’t be mentioning his teeny tiny penis that a porn star says looks like teeny tiny Toad, the mushroom guy in Mario Kart. Grow up.

One major thing Donald Trump did was declare different values for the same property in loan applications, insurance forms, and in taxes. The value was always a lot lower in his taxes. The guy has also promoted his towers as having more floors than they actually have…like people can’t count. Even Toad, the mushroom guy in Mario Kart who looks like Trump’s tiny penis, can probably count floors.

He’s also being investigated for giving gifts, like tuition for kids and grandkids, which may have been in a replacement for salaries. Some of these payments went to the chief financial person at the Trump Organization, Toad, the mushroom guy in Mario Kart who likes like Trump’s tiny dick.

No, that’s not right. The payments went to Allen Weisselberg (It’s not “Weaselberg.” I checked), who is his chief financial dude. Trump claimed his two idiot kids, Don Jr. and Toad…I mean, Eric, were going to run his business. But the real man in charge is Weisselberg. Don Jr. and Eric couldn’t find each other’s butts if they had butt magnets. Now, Weasel…I mean, Weisselberg is being investigated as is his son, who also worked for Trump. Hey, the family that engaged in corruption together stays corrupt together.

Now, will Weisselberg flip on Trump? Will his son? Will Rudy Giuliani, who is his second attorney to be investigated for doing shady shit for Trump? The answers for each of these is, yes, yes, and yes. Wouldn’t you flip on Trump? These guys are going to flip on Trump faster than Toad, the mushroom guy who looks like Trump’s tiny penis, in Mario’s Kart.

Since we’re not talking about Trump’s tiny penis and focused exclusively on criminal charges (it’s not against the law to have a tiny dick), don’t forget, Donald Trump is being investigated for threatening government officials in Georgia to “find the votes,” and for starting an insurrection in Washington. His attorneys are claiming he has presidential immunity from conviction for starting terrorist attacks. Seriously. And now, there’s a new story that before he was president, he attempted to bribe a United States senator to not investigate the New England Patriots in Spygate, which is ironic since he claimed President Obama spied on his political campaign. How does he know it wasn’t the New England Patriots spying on his campaign? Or, how does he know it wasn’t Toad, the mushroom guy from Mario Kart who looks like Trump’s tiny penis?

Donald Trump will be indicted. With so many investigations, it’s bound to happen. But will he ever wear prison orange? God, I hope so. This nation deserves some justice, and every Trump supporter needs his or her balloon popped. I think everyone in this nation would rather think of Trump every time they see prison orange, than think of him every time they see mushrooms…you know because of Toad from Mario Kart who looks like Trump’s tiny penis.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have Three copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Fuhgeddaboudit, Giuliani


Cjones04142021

To be honest, it wasn’t very important that I draw this cartoon. On a normal day, I try to pick the most talked about issue, or maybe the most important…or what I think readers should be talking about. And then there are days like this…where it’s just too much fun. But the reason this isn’t that important is because Andrew Giuliani has zero chances of becoming governor of New York. It’s not going to happen.

Andrew Giuliani is the son of Rudy Giuliani. Fortunately for him, his mother is not his father’s cousin. That was his first wife. Andrew first came to fame during his dad’s mayoral inauguration in 1994, when he was a child. He was repeating the oath his father was taking, blew kisses to the cameras, mimicked his father’s hand gestures, and shouted, “It should be so and it will be so!” His actions were spoofed by David Letterman and Chris Farley impersonated him on Saturday Night Live.

Over the past four years, Andrew had a position in the White House where he was Special Assistant to the President (sic) and Associate Director of the Office of Public Liaison. He was really just hired to play golf with Trump. He’s a former professional golfer. Taxpayers paid Andrew $95,000 a year to play golf with Trump. While John Kelly was Chief of Staff, he blocked Andrew’s access to the West Wing.

The only reason Giuliani got his job in the White House is because his father was Trump’s buddy and personal lawyer. Is that a conflict? Probably. Unfortunately for Andrew, no one is going to give him his next job because his daddy is Rudy Giuliani.

I’m sure in the past, being Rudy’s kid was an all-access pass to a lot of good shit. Now, it might be a hindrance. Over the past four years, Andrew’s daddy, with his crazy conspiracy theories, public farting, melting hair dye, and press conferences in the parking lots of dildo shops, is a national laughingstock.

What’s also laughable is Andrew thinks his connections to Trump and his daddy will help him in liberal New York. Sure, Governor Andrew Cuomo is in hot water with scandals over nursing home deaths and accusations of heavy flirting to sexual assault. But, if Cuomo runs for reelection, a GOP nomination of Andrew Giuliani would surely get Cuomo reelected…if he’s the Democratic nominee.

Andrew Giuliani is still thinking over the idea of running for governor. Andrew needs to think on this one really hard…if a Trump is capable of thinking hard, because he has a less chance of being governor than…

The Rent-is-too-Damn-High guy. Jimmy McMillan is a New Yorker who has run for governor, mayor of New York City, and maybe president, though he never appeared on any state ballots. During the 2010 governor’s race, he ran on the campaign of the “rent is too damn high.” A lot of people laughed at him even though they all agreed. The rent is too damn high. McMillan’s party is the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. He’s the chairman and maybe the only member. Unfortunately, McMillan is also a Trumper. Ew. But, he still has a better chance of becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani. Andrew also has less of a chance than…

Mr. Stay-Puft. Despite being sent by Gozer, (also known as Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Gozer the Traveler, Volguus Zildrohar and Lord of the Sebouillia) fighting the Ghostbusters, and even stepping on a church in the process of trying to destroy the planet…Mr. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man still has a better shot at becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani. In fact, Gozer’s demi-god minions, Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster, and Zull, the Gatekeeper, have better shots than Andrew Giuliani…even if they are in the forms of ugly dogs. And if ugly doggy demi-gods have a better shot at moving to Albany than Andrew, then so does…

Anyone who has ever been honked at while walking across a street in New York City and shouted back, “I’m walking heah.” Here’s a fact: I have shouted, “We’re walking here,” in New York City. It was partly as a joke while in Manhattan while I was also being serious. While walking with Black Lives Matter, some fuckers started dropping water bottles on the protesters. So, I shouted, “We’re walking here” which a lot of fellow marchers approved of. The cops just shrugged off that we were being assaulted by dropped water bottles. Another fun fact: I’ve never seen the movie, “Midnight Cowboy.” My proofer, Laura, mentioned that movie while finding the boo-boos in today’s cartoon, and I thought she was referencing the other cowboy in this cartoon, who also has better odds of becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani. Who? I’m talking about the…

Naked Cowboy. Robert Burck is the Naked Cowboy. He busks in Times Square where fortunately, he’s not really naked. He is wearing tighty-whities though which isn’t much better. He’s also a former porn star, presidential candidate for the Tea Party and…ugh…a Trumper. Still though, he has a better shot than Andrew just like…

Anyone playing for the Mets has a better shot…despite the fact the Mets suck. When asking where to take a very smart girl on a date, Ross Geller told Joey Tribbiani to take her to the Met to which Joey replied, “The Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees.” Unfortunately for Joey, Ross was talking about the Metropolitan Museum of Art. But, Joey would still be a better governor than Andrew…even with a campaign of “How you doin’?” and “Joey doesn’t share food.” Even Joey’s duck has a better chance than Andrew…just like…

Whoever’s making the boneheaded decisions for The New York Jets. These guys drafted a quarterback in the first round three years ago…whom they just traded so they can draft another quarterback in the first round. The Jets haven’t had a first-round pick for a QB work out since 1965. Whoever’s running the Jets this week, or next, has a better shot at becoming governor than Andrew. But maybe the job of running the Jets should be taken over by someone else who can also beat Andrew, and that would be…

Pizza Rat. Pizza Rat couldn’t make worse calls for the Jets, is more likeable than any Giuliani, and knows a good slice when he sees one. Did you know New York City is the third most rat-infested city in the nation? They probably dropped from first place after the Trumps moved to Florida. Also, Pizza Rat knows how to eat a slice while Donald Trump does not and chose to use a knife and fork while dining with Sarah Palin. Pizza Rat probably has better dining partners than Trump too. Who lives near Pizza Rat, would make a better dining partner, and has a better shot at becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani? Why none other than…

C.H.U.D. What? What’s a C.H.U.D? Who’s a C.H.U.D? Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers are former humans who were mutated by radioactive materials illegally disposed of in the sewers. They’re nasty. They were the basis of a cult 1980s movie. Their main legacy may be slang for when you’re about to go out with someone, and your friend replies, “Girl, you don’t wanna date him. He’s a total C.H.U.D.” If someone thinks you look like a C.H.U.D, it’s not good. Though if you called Andrew Giuliani a “C.H.U.D,” C.H.U.D. would probably find that insulting. Still, being called a “C.H.U.D.” is better than getting, “girl, you don’t wanna go out with him. He’s a total Matt Gaetz.”

Every time I have ever used the word, “C.H.U.D,” I’ve had to explain it. Even in Manhattan to guys going down into the sewers.

While strolling near Times Square, after having a slice I did NOT eat with a knife and fork or steal from a rat, I saw some workers going into the sewers and I said, “Watch out for C.H.U.D.s!” They just looked at me like I was weird. One of the workers asked, “What’s a Chud?” I said, “You know…the movie? C.H.U.D? Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers?” I just got blank stares. It seems to me that if your job entails going into New York City sewers, then you wanna be familiar with C.H.U.D….who also has a better shot at becoming governor than Andrew Giuliani…and better dates than Matt Gaetz.

Also, why do Andrew Giuliani, Eric Trump, and Matt Gaetz all have the same teeth? People who draw caricatures notice these things.

Creative note: I drew a rough of this last Thursday and showed it to CNN, knowing we weren’t going to use it because it’s not a big issue. But, we had a lot of fun with it exchanging emails back and forth on the cartoon. One of my editors suggested I use Mr. Stay-Puft.

I was originally going to draw and publish this Sunday, but it was a lot of work. So I drew and published something else yesterday and then got to work on the lettering and template for this cartoon. When I woke up, I just had to draw it…and ended up changing a few more things. Also, I kinda wish I had used George Costanza somewhere. I could have used, “I won a contest.”

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have FIVE copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Corona Barbie


cjones10282020

The Lincoln Project, a group of Republican Never Trumpers who have spent millions of dollars advertising against Donald Trump, has now placed two billboards in Times Square featuring Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner.

As you probably know, Ivanka is Donald Trump’s daughter and favorite offspring (he likes her so much, he talks about dating her) and Jared is her husband. They are both unpaid advisors to Donald Trump and rumor has it, they’re worth every penny they’re paid.

They are very upset about these billboards in Times Square. They’re so upset, they had their legal counsel, crazy-hair Marc Kasowitz (a former White House lawyer who also has Putin Pals as clients) threatening to sue the Lincoln Project. Kasowitz called them, “false, malicious and defamatory,” which sounds like a defense from Cosmo Kramer’s lawyer, Jackie Chiles. And if Kasowitz continues defending Trumps, his next Jackie Chiles-inspired quote will probably be, “This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.”

The photo of Ivanka used on the billboard is from her famous Goya photo-op which many legal experts believe is illegal. You’re not supposed to pimp products while working in the White House. Ivanka’s billboard includes statistics about Covid deaths substituting for the beans. Jared’s has the quote, “New Yorkers are going to suffer and that’s their problem.” He’s also accompanied by body bags.

Jackie Chiles, I mean, Kasowitz says Ivanka never made any such gesture, except she did, and that Jared never made the quote.

The quote is from Vanity Fair in a very detailed article which is claims is a first-person account. Jared was referring to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, and how he “didn’t pound the phones hard enough to get PPE for his state…. His people are going to suffer and that’s their problem.”

If Kasowitz sues for Boy Kush and Corona Bean Barbie, he can expect more quotes attributed to Jared to be dug up…and for witnesses to provide them. They don’t want this.

What will be more interesting will be how Ivanka and Jared are greeted if they return to New York City after the Trump administration is defeated. It’s not like they’re going to be invited to all the balls. They joined a corrupt administration that fought their city and state. They helped enact policies designed to hurt New York during the pandemic.

What Ivanka and Jared need to understand, other than how not to be tacky, is that when you work in high-profile positions in the government, you’re going to be criticized. You’re going to be held accountable. For Ivanka, working in the White House been all about Chinese patents, photo-ops, and trying to appear important at world summits. For Jared, it’s been about helping his father-in-law rule, not govern, and secret conversations with dictators who order journalists to be chopped up with bone saws.

According to some reports, Jared and Ivanka will be welcomed back in New York City…in Staten Island. Ew.

But then again, they may not have to worry about that as they both may be wearing orange. Do they serve Goya beans in prison?

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Trump’s Symbol Of Hate


cjones07052020

Donald Trump’s campaign, along with a super PAC, are airing commercials attacking Joe Biden’s age (because he’s four years older than Trump) and his mental health because he stutters. It’s like these people don’t pay attention to their own bullshit because it’s their guy who suggested we all drink bleach, believes in windmill cancer and invisible airplanes, and asked about nuking hurricanes. It’s not just that they don’t pay attention, it’s that they don’t remember.

They don’t remember four days ago. Last weekend, Donald Trump tweeted out a video with an old white Trump supporter in a golf cart shouting “white power.” The president (sic) of the United States literally tweeted “white power.” We haven’t had such a loud endorsement of white supremacy from the White House since Woodrow Wilson had a screening in that building of “The Birth of a Nation,” a pro-KKK movie where most of the black characters are played by white actors in blackface. For Donald Trump and Woodrow Wilson, the White House is the WHITE HOUSE.

Donald Trump deleted the “white power” golf cart tweet. The WHITEY House issued a statement lying that Trump didn’t hear the “white power” in the video, despite it being shouted twice. But, if Donald Trump absorbed the video like he does intelligence reports, maybe he did only see and hear his name. He doesn’t hear that Putin placed a bounty on U.S. soldiers and he doesn’t hear “white power” when it’s shouted by old Florida fuckers in golf carts. Biden might be older but it’s Donald who needs a hearing aid. What? Bike tower? Night shower? Bite flower? Fight meower?

It was the Whitey House that issued a statement over the “white power” shout, but the Whitey House never condemned it. In fact, it thanked Mr. White Power golf cart fucker dude for his support. And Donald Trump? He never said anything about it. It’s not like he said, “What? O.M.G., I did not mean to tweet a video with “white power” in it. That’s a symbol of hate.” Instead, Donald Trump continued to foster and spread hate by tweeting more videos of dangerous black people. Lately, it’s been a daily thing for him. Donald Trump is a racist.

And the racist president reacted swiftly to another slogan as New York City is going to paint the words “Black Lives Matter” on 5th Avenue. Where on 5th Avenue? Right in front of…wait for it…Trump Tower. Oh goody. I wonder if Donald will react in a negative manner…oh there it is.

Donald Trump went off. Even your average racist would probably know better than to go off unhinged over something like this. He should be endorsing and celebrating it saying, “What a great idea, and thank you, New York City. Black lives do matter and I’m honored you would paint that slogan in front of my home.” Could he at least try to fake it? Nope. That didn’t happen.

Instead, Trump screamed out a tweet that said the slogan was “denigrating this luxury Avenue,” which is how he responded when the Jeffersons moved on up. He also said it would “antagonize” the New York Police Department. Then, he said “black lives matter” is a “symbol of hate.” Yeah…the guy who tweeted “white power” thinks the expression…the slogan…the words “black lives matter” is racist. Whaaaaaaaat?

Kaleigh McEnany, the Whitey House spokesgoon who claimed at her first press briefing she’d never lie to us, said Trump was attacking the organization, not the phrase. But, he didn’t say that in his tweet. He said “black lives matter,” on the street in front of his home is a “symbol of hate.” The guy hates the words “black lives matter” being painted on the streets in front of his home and the White House, but he wants Confederate monuments to remain in place. Sounds kinda racist.

Mayor Bill DeBlasio said he put the phrase in front of Trump Tower on purpose and “Obviously, we want the president to hear it because he’s never shown respect for those three words.” Trump proved that’s true by his quick response.

Mayor Bill also said, “When he hears Black lives matter, he presents a horrible negative reality of something that doesn’t exist, and he misses the underlying meaning that we’re saying we have to honor the role of African Americans in our history and our society.” That’s exactly true. And every mayor in every city in the world that has a Trump property, or any named after him, should paint “Black Lives Matter” in front of those properties. An international trolling of Trump would be almost as beautiful as the message. In fact, there are more Trump buildings in New York City. Troll away, Mr. Bill.

The reason we say “black lives matter” is because this country has a long history of black lives not mattering…or not mattering as much. Anyone who replies or uses “all lives matter” has a problem with you saying “black lives matter.” They have an issue with equality and they think if black lives matter, then maybe white lives won’t matter as much. That’s bullshit. Equality is not pie. More for someone else doesn’t mean less for you.

Saying “black lives matter” isn’t saying other lives don’t matter. It’s saying it’s time that black lives matter as well. White lives have always mattered and that’s why we don’t say that. We never needed to say “white lives matter” because it’s always been the case. We need to say “black lives matter.” Donald Trump and his racist goons of supporters don’t get that. They probably never will.

But Donald Trump is correct in that there are words on 5th Avenue that are a symbol of hate. It’s really just one word and that word is “Trump.” It’s on Trump Tower. And when people think of Donald Trump, they think of hate, especially his supporters because that’s why they’re in the cult.

People think of hate when they think of Donald Trump because Donald Trump is a racist. Donald Trump is a “symbol of hate.”

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

NYC Protest


Note: I already posted all these pictures on Faceook so my apologies if you’ve already seen them.

I am in New York City, in case you didn’t already know that. Early this evening, around 7:30 P.M. (I remember making a note in my head that it was an hour after Trump’s stupid Rose Garden press statement), I went out to get something to eat and maybe find a protest. Never got anything to eat. One block from my hotel, I ran into this.

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This was on 6th Avenue near Rockefeller Center.

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The crowd seemed to be in the thousands. At this stage, the police were behind them.

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This was one of the first photos I took. This young man screamed after he passed me asking if I videotaped him. I said it was just a picture and he seemed cool with it. After that, I asked nearly everyone for permission before I took their pictures. Nobody said no. There were hundreds of people taking photos and filming. I was asked multiple times if I was a cop.

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Up to this point, it was all pretty lovely. Every person I met was friendly. Other than being asked if I was a cop (I was probably the oldest person participating), everyone was nice to me. Two young black ladies thanked me for marching with them. One of them fist-bumped my elbow.

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I had a nice conversation with this young man, who asked me if I was a cop. He told me his name which I’m not going to publish. Soon after this, the march turned and went down a different street which it kept doing to frustrate the police. Then it got dark. Then it got scary.

 

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The police formed a line trying to direct the crowd where they wanted them to go. The crowd wasn’t pleased with it. This black female officer kept her poise as marchers shouted at her for her “betrayal.”

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This guy did NOT seem to like me. Before, the police were marching  behind the crowd or on the sidewalks next to them. Then, the batons and shields came out and the crowd hadn’t done anything to provoke other than chant and scream at cops.

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There were jamming the crowd up here, making it tighter. At one point, a large number of protesters turned around and ran. That was the first time I was afraid. I couldn’t see what was happening but others told me the police freaked them out briefly. They stopped running and went back to marching. Around this time, I heard some loud booms (versus quiet booms). I thought maybe it was Cloverfield and I was way too far from the Brooklyn Bridge. Wait. That didn’t work out in the movie.

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That helicopter followed us all the way. At this point, and after walking for 30 blocks, I decided I had enough photos and experience from the event that I could go back to my hotel and find food along the way. It was time to goodbye to the marchers. Or so I thought. And, I never found food.

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I walked for a while enjoying the cool weather, watching where the helicopter was hovering, smelling marijuana throughout my journey, and all seemed peaceful. Then I ran into this. The Yankees store had been looted. Before I took the pic, there were caps and jerseys all over the ground. When I showed up, three young men were leaving from inside the store and dropped merchandise. The people who were walking along with me picked them all up. One young lady was directing her boyfriend which jerseys to get. He got a T-Shirt with some player’s name on it and she said, “No, not that guy.” Picky looters.

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I didn’t see any more damage for two or three more blocks. All I saw were hangers from the Yankees store. Then I got to Best Buy and the looters were still inside. I was not going to take their pictures because I didn’t want to get beat up. As one young man rushed inside, after all the other looters had exited, his friends started screaming for him to get out because the NYPD was on the scene. Then, there was a stampede and I ran inside a doorway so I wouldn’t get trampled. That was the scariest part of the night. I went another block and they directed me and a few others to go down a side street. Even as we were about 20 feet away, the police were still screaming at us. I was slightly afraid here.

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This is on the corner of 6th and 51st, half a block from my hotel. The cops wouldn’t let me go down to my hotel. The next intersection was blocked too. I thought maybe I could explain to the cops that I only wanted to get back to my room before the 11:00 PM curfew. It was 10:30 at this point…and no go. All I got were more screaming cops. And that was a lot of cops.

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This is right next to my hotel. It didn’t look like anyone had gotten in. I’m really hoping the sandwich place on the other side of my hotel wasn’t hit.

And here’s a little video taken in front of the looted Best Buy. That was a lot of cops.

 

I finally got back to my hotel with nothing to eat except cheese balls. Leave it to me to come to New York City during a pandemic, riots, and when you can’t find anything to eat in Manhatten after 10:00 P.M.

Perhaps the best gift I got for my birthday is that I didn’t die.

On another note: Earlier in the day near Times Square, I saw three guys opening a manhole and going down. I told them to watch out for C.H.U.D.s. They looked at me like I was crazy and they had never heard of C.H.U.D.s before. How do you go down into the sewers of New York City without having heard of C.H.U.D.s?

 

 

 

Shoot The Fact-Checkers


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Here’s your cartoon for CNN’s weekly newsletter, Provoke/Persuade.Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday for the rest of your life.
I don’t have a lot to say here so I’ll talk about something else. Why not? My cartoon post today has four comments on Facebook. My bagel photo has nearly 80. I am in New York City.
As my son asked, “Why?” Except, he sounded kinda upset over it. Why would I come to ground zero for the coronavirus in the United States?
I only told four people I was coming to town. My friends Gordon, Mike, Alexandra, and my son. I didn’t want to have to explain it over and over again before I got here. But, I’ve been explaining it ever since. It’s not a big deal.
First, it’s my birthday. Thank you. I wanted to do something a little different. My plan is to see a few things and experience New York City food. Granted, most things are shut down for another week so it’s not like I can take in a play on Broadway or have a sandwich at Katz, but I can get a sandwich to go. So far, I had a real NYC bagel with lox and the Kung Pao chicken I had last night was the spiciest I’ve ever encountered.
But the biggest reason I’m here is that I wanted to see something instead of just writing about it. I wanted to see Times Square as a dead zone. From some of the photos I’ve posted online, you can see by usual standards, NYC is a ghost town. Then, I got the added bonus of riots and protests. There’s graffiti on nearly every building near my hotel (which is by 30 Rock and Radio City Music Hall). I was going to go out last night, not to partake in some anarchy (as Bradley Nowell sang), but to witness, like the time I went to a Trump rally. Ew. But I only ventured out for a minute because I was tired and my feet were killing me. I’m getting old.
As it turned out, I didn’t need to come to NYC to see a protest…or even leave Fredericksburg…or my apartment.  A protest started in the burg shortly after I left. They were nearby and I could have seen it from my window. Yes, I’m sure the protest wasn’t about my cartoons.
Speaking of seeing things from your window, I passed Trump Tower and there’s NO WAY he could have seen people leaping to their deaths from the World Trade Center on 9/11. See? The trip is already paying off. Research.
Another reason I’m here now is that it’s really cheap. I feel what I’m spending is an investment that will pay off through my work. I would rather take a working vacation that pays off with research than travel to sit on a beach and forget work (though I do like beaches). I haven’t taken a real day off in years.
I don’t intend to draw or write about me going to New York City (other than now). I expect this experience to seep into my work and be a reference for years to come.
And if you’re worried about me, don’t be. Everyone I’ve met has been really nice. Granted, I haven’t walked into a protest but ya’ know, that prospect doesn’t scare me at all. Cops scare me more though, to be honest, they’ve been nice too. I’ve had NYPD walk up to me just to say hello. Weird.  Though they were all female cops so maybe they just liked what they saw. That makes sense.
In regards to the pandemic, the city opens in a week. There are people out and nobody is hassling them. Stores won’t allow anyone in without a mask which is something I wish I saw in Virginia. People seem to be practicing social distancing well which is why the numbers of coronavirus cases are going down. And, the more you wear a mask, the less it bothers you. You’ll forget you’re wearing it and to remove it before biting into an ice cream cone bought from a street vendor. At least, I hope other people do that.
Go ahead and tell me what you think I should do while I’m here. I already have a list in my head and I’m probably not going to accomplish it all. But if you’re in the city and see me, say hi.
I’m the guy with the big chocolate ice cream stain on his mask.
Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

NYC Terror Attack


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If you want to attack a city, instill it with fear and terror to the point the citizens there change their way of life, you might want to pick a place that’s not New York City.

You always hear how we won’t let fear change us, but that’s not always true. We use fear to enact bans on refugees, suspend Constitutional rights, and even how we look at each other. But, when you hear them say that about NYC, it’s not just wishful thinking, like when you say “we’re not going to let Russia hoodwink our stupid people into voting Republican.” In NYC, the people are not going to change how they live.

They’re going to go to concerts, plays, little leagues, ride bicycles, eat New York style pizza, and flip each other off while ignoring rats on the subway…just like they do every day.

For that matter, I don’t see you changing the people in Paris and London either.

In case you haven’t noticed, the places you can’t intimidate are blue areas. You can scare Donald Trump, Republicans, and people who vote that way. But, you’re not scaring us. Hell, terrorists hit Virginia and the state got bluer.

People who commit terrorism are cowards. I don’t say that just because everyone else says it. They truly are. They believe they will die and go to Heaven, thus not having to deal with the consequences of their actions. That’s the very definition of cowardice.

I’d recommend to cowards that they avoid New York City and the rest of the United States in general. There must be a better use of your time than trying to scare people who don’t scare easy.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Stupid People Time


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There’s one really good rule for white people when it comes to telling a joke about black people. Don’t. Since this particular example is from a “black” joke, let’s not overlook that it’s probably not cool to ever make jokes about any race. Hey, while you’re at it how about cutting it out with the gay jokes? And all those conservatives sharing their favorite transgender bathroom joke on Facebook this week, you’re a clear example of why conservatives aren’t ever funny. Well not intentionally. Ted Cruz once brought a lawsuit to stop sex toys from being sold in Texas and that’s pretty funny.

You can call it political correctness not to make racists, homophobic, sexists, or misogynistic jokes. I just think it’s not being a jerk. If your sophistication and taste in humor hasn’t advanced beyond a high school sophomore then you probably shouldn’t be discussing politics…or running for the presidency.

Hillary Clinton and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio did a little skit where he referenced “CP Time.” That’s slang for “colored people” time. He was referring to his delay in endorsing Clinton and what “CP” actually meant was “Cautious Politician.” They are catching some Hell.

Sometimes a joke is so good and you realize it’s harmless that it’s worth the risk. This was not that joke. It wasn’t a good joke. It wasn’t funny. It was cringe worthy. When I draw a cartoon that I know is going to offend people and even be somewhat dangerous, I make sure it’s making a good point…or at least really funny. Yeah, that joke didn’t do any of that. It really wasn’t worth it.

Obama made a colored people time joke once. But Obama can do that. If you don’t know why, then you are an idiot and should stop reading my blog and never return here ever again.

I don’t care if you have the black vote, black friends, black kids, a black wife, dated blacks, watched Roots 17 times, or if you’re Rachel Dolezal. White people should not tell black jokes. And I’m whiter than any of you so take my word for it.

Clinton and de Blasio are not racists. They committed the sin that most white people will commit at some point in their lives, usually more than once. They are so comfortable with African Americans that they relaxed to the point they think it’s OK to make that joke. They believe they’ll get a free pass. To that, I don’t think they actually offended anyone and instead shocked the audience at their stupidity. They made people cringe and shake their heads. Now if it had been funny and had a point, well then things might be different.

Oompa Loompas, on the other hand, have a very poor lobby so making fun of Donald Trump’s chosen skin tone is still OK.

Please try to give the coloring in this cartoon extra attention because I had to color it twice. After I finished coloring (the first time) the program crashed just as I was trying to save it. It takes me longer to color a cartoon now because I switched things up and the program is new. It is teaching me save as I work which is always a good idea with anything on a computer. I can’t count the number of times I lost a blog entry just as I was…

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Bernie’s Tokens


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I’ll catch some heat for this one. If you think the vitriol is heated between Sanders and Clinton, check out what their supporters are hurling at each other? Many are pledging they won’t support the other candidate if he or she becomes the nominee. They seriously need to calm down before we have a President Trump, President Cruz, or even a President Ryan.

Bernie Sanders promised not to go negative. A few days ago he said Hillary Clinton is not qualified to be president. That’s pretty negative. On Friday he stated that she was qaulified. Where did this come from? Before all this, Clinton gave an interview where she was asked if Sanders was qualified. She never stated he was, but didn’t say he wasn’t. That ticked Sanders off.

You can hate Hillary, believe she’s the spawn of Satan, that the FBI is going to send her to prison, whatever and that’s fine. But she’s the most qualified candidate running for president. She was a United States senator twice elected for the second largest state in the country. She was Secretary of State. She’s pretty qualified. She also eventually stated that Sanders is qualified for president.

The other part of this is Sanders’ statement that you need a token to get on the Subway. What? I have never been on the NYC subway but I know they don’t use tokens. I would just assume they wouldn’t because I’ve been on the D.C. metro thousands of times and they haven’t used tokens since before 1998 when I first rode them. Hillary also had a problem swiping her card to get on the Subway. Let’s face facts here. None of the candidates are frequent users of public transportation. They probably don’t even drive themselves, except for Sanders.

I didn’t intend to throw a lot of art into this cartoon but I had to put Bernie in the foreground so the text on the tokens are readable. After I was done penciling I realized I had the stalls backwards. The entry was facing away from Sanders. I almost let it slide but it bothered me enough to know it was really gonna annoy me after it was published. There would be that one New Yorker to notice and scream at me.

Correction: I meant to double check before I published but forgot. New York is the FOURTH largest state, not the second. It goes in order of California, Texas, Florida and then New York. Florida and New York do have the same number of electoral votes.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Cruz In New York


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It was a few months ago that Ted Cruz attacked Donald Trump for having “New York values.” That went over pretty well in the sticks of Iowa and is the sort of insult that appeals to the rube voter. Now Cruz is in New York.

After making his New York Values insult, Cruz said it wasn’t hard to figure out what it meant and that people in South Carolina knew what it meant. Now, despite it not being hard to figure out, Ted is spinning his definition as something directed toward New York big city liberals. No matter how terrible he views New York, he wants some of its 90 delegates. Cruz is handing this awkwardness about as well as someone who just asked a non-pregnant woman when is her baby due.

Cruz visited the Bronx on Wednesday where he might have been greeted a bit nicer than Hitler would have been walking through a Warsaw Ghetto. Cruz was shouted at in a variety of languages as he was met by protesters. One stated “Ted Cruz has no business being in the Bronx, this is an immigrant community,” He had to cancel a visit to a Bronx high school Thursday as students threatened to walk out. Many in the five boroughs are telling Ted what he can do with his photo op. Too bad there’s not a primary in Canada.

New Yorkers aren’t in love with Donald Trump either but in a race against Cruz he’s pulling in over 50% in the most recent polls. I guess they can forgive he uses a fork to eat a New York slice. He held a rally, also greeted by protesters, but also left many supporters unable to squeeze into the room. Suddenly, Trumps New Yorker accent got a lot thicker. “This guy, he talks about us like we ain’t no good.”

John Kasich stand no chance to win in New York, but he does know how to experience the city. Ohio’s governor visited Mike’s Deli in the Bronx and got food busy. He ate two plates of spaghetti bolognese. That would have been lunch for me but Kasich didn’t stop there. Next he tackled a sandwich called the Yankee Stadium big boy which contains mozzarella and four types of meat. The sandwich was huge. He then had some pasta fagioli and a little red wine. Kasich left the deli wiping sweat off his brow. If he’s anything like me he went into a food coma and needed a nap later. Damn. Now I’m hungry.

Cruz also visited Mike’s Deli on Wednesday where he was told how to eat a sandwich. Apparently it’s bad luck to place it upside down (I always do that whether it’s a sandwich or a burger. Uh Oh!).

When Cruz made his remark on New York Values we had yet had a primary. Since then he lost big where he was supposed to win, the South. Evangelicals voted for Trump. How about that, Ted? All of a sudden Cruz needs New York. If Cruz had done better in the South he wouldn’t even be campaigning in New York today. But hey, Ted, if you can make it there you can make it anywhere. You ain’t gonna make it. There’s four more boroughs in the city and I think I can speak for everyone that you should visit each of them. The New York Daily News splashed across their front page “Take the FU train, Ted.” Good idea. Don’t expect to use tokens.

I think it’s safe to bet neither Trump or Cruz would ever eat anything named “fagioli.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!