The day before the runoff vote in the Alabama Republican primary for the U.S. Senate, Vice-President Mike Pence was campaigning for Luther Strange. Pence said, “I stand for Luther.” Being that Pence refuses to be alone in a room with a woman who is not his wife, I cracked on social media that Pence would never say, “I stand for Strange.” Get it? Strange, as in getting some strange? At least two people understood it on Facebook. Never mind.
The GOP establishment wanted them some strange, and some strange is what they got. Now, the only thing standing between a gun-totin’, religious zealot, right-wing fanatic from becoming a United States Senator is his Democratic opponent. Unfortunately for liberals, a Democrat winning a statewide race in Alabama has about as much of a chance as a Democrat winning a statewide race in Alabama. It’s not happening. I dare Alabama to prove me wrong.
Roy Moore is the anti-establishment Republican. Did I mention he’s a zealot? If, and when he’s elected, he will be the most radical and scary senator in the Senate. Yes, I’m aware Ted Cruz is still a senator. He’s that freaking bad. Every senator, even the Republicans, can’t stand Ted Cruz. Yet, this guy makes Ted Cruz look like Fozzie Bear.
Roy Moore was the Chief Justice on the Alabama Supreme Court. He decided that he needed to erect a display of the Ten Commandments in the court. He refused to take them down after a court order told him to remove it. He got kicked off the court. So, since Supreme Court justices in Alabama are elected, he ran for the office again…and won. And, got kicked off again. The second time he was booted from office was because he directed probate judges to continue to enforce the state’s ban on same-sex marriage after the U.S. Supreme Court struck down that ban.
Roy Moore hates gays so much that he once issued an opinion that the state should punish homosexual behavior. He also opined that a parent’s sexual orientation (in this circumstance, homosexuality) should be a factor in refusing custody. He hates gays so much, I expect him to be busted in a men’s room stall in Dupont Circle.
Moore believes in the supremacy of God’s law over man’s. When he was a circuit court judge, he would open sessions with a prayer beseeching Divine Guidance for jurors in their deliberations. In at least one instance, Moore asked a clergyman to lead the court’s jury pool in prayer. Hey, guess how you can get out of jury duty in Alabama.
In case you’re still thinking, “gee…that still doesn’t sound too bad.” Well then, hold my coffee. Did I mention that Dudley-Do-Fuck is a birther, and he still believes Obama was not born in the United States? He also believes that a Muslim should not be allowed to serve in the United States Congress, taking issue with Minnesota representative Keith Ellison. He claims Sharia Law is being implemented in Illinois (Yankee state). He has suggested the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks happened because America has turned away from God. On top of all that, he’s spoken to white-supremacists groups, where I’m sure some of the attendees were “very fine people.”
Just in case there were some voters in Alabama not finding him scary enough, he brought a revolver on stage with him at his Monday night rally and waved it around. If Luther Strange was smart, he would have brought a bigger gun on stage and had mocked Moore’s tiny pistol. But, these are Republicans. They’re not smart.
Republicans were so scared of Moore, that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who can’t do anything right lately, had his super PAC raise millions of dollars for Strange. He even got Donald Trump to campaign for Strange, even though Moore is just the kind of fuck nuts that should appeal to Trump. Obviously, he appealed to Trump’s voters in Alabama where Cheeto Potentate still has ridiculously high approval ratings.
Strange had serious baggage. He was the Attorney General for Alabama, and he was supposed to be investigating the governor who was doing all sorts of illegal shenanigans to cover up the fact he was boinking a staffer who was not his wife (I still have nightmares over those sexual tape recordings. Old, crotchety, craggly-ass Alabama Republicans are not sexy). The governor took care of that investigation by appointing Strange to the Senate after Jeff Sessions was confirmed as the Trump’s Attorney General (though he was eventually tossed out of office).
Trump didn’t have much enthusiasm with his endorsement. At a rally last Friday in Huntsville, Trump spent most of the time talking about himself (shocking), and the NFL anthem protesters. While Strange was standing on the same stage, Trump stated, “I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake.” He even expressed concern with how the media would play it for him if Strange lost.
Moore held rallies with Sarah Palin, the Duck Dynasty weirdos, and Trump’s former chief strategist, Steve Bannon. Bannon suggested to Fox News that Trump was duped into supporting Strange. Thanks for admitting what we already know, that Trump is a sucker. We’ve seen his retweets.
At Moore’s rally on Monday, Bannon argued for the anti-establishment platform. He said, “Mitch McConnell and this permanent political class is the most corrupt and incompetent group of individuals in this country. They think you’re a pack of morons. They think you’re nothing but rubes.” Well, yeah. They’re kinda counting on it, but so is Bannon. This guy and a bunch of Russians helped convince 62 million rubes to vote for Trump.
These guys do not like Mitch McConnell. Moore attacked the Majority Leader at the same rally and said in the past that he’ll vote against McConnell remaining Majority Leader. I predict some awkward moments after Moore arrives in Washington.
For Republicans, Moore’s victory is bad news. They were looking forward to spending all their money on defeating Democrats in 2018 and increasing their Senate majority. But now, Moore’s victory will give other anti-establishment troglodytes inspiration to run against GOP incumbents, which will make Republicans spend their money before they even face the Democrats. Senators Jeff Flake of Arizona, Dean Heller of Nevada, and Roger Wicker of Mississippi may have trouble in their primaries. Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee announced yesterday that he’s had enough. He’s not having fun with Trump as the leader of his party, plus he may have been in a huge, nasty primary fight with a Tea-Party knuckle dragger.
For a Republican Senate that doesn’t know how to legislate and has no accomplishments since Trump took office, Roy Moore promises to make things go from shitty to super shitty. As for Trump, he won’t admit he supported the wrong guy. He’ll probably blame McConnell and perhaps forget he ever endorsed Luther Strange. Kinda like how he forgot he ran a birther campaign for five years. Trump has already deleted his tweets that were supporting Strange. Fortunately, Mr. Moore can refresh his memory that they’re both conspiracy nut jobs.
One last note; Please don’t inform Roy Moore that carrying a firearm is illegal in the District. Of course, if he’s arrested for packing, he’ll just claim carrying a gun is God’s law.
Creative note: I got this idea, and then I got another I liked better for a minute. It involved Moore holding two tablets with his ten commandments. So, I wrote all ten of the commandments, and halfway through I decided the idea was just meh. But, because I have OCD I had to finish writing all the commandments. I couldn’t leave it uncompleted.
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