Macron

Primitive Diplomacy


cjones04282018

Yesterday, pundits in the news were asking, how can Donald Trump say nice things about Kim Jong Un? Trump said the guy, who had his uncle shot and his brother murdered, was behaving honorably.  But, saying nice things about someone is Trump’s way of coaxing. He believes it works on other people because it works on him. Because, at that moment sitting next to him was the President of France saying nice things about him.  I’m sure in France a lot of people are asking Emmanuel Macron how can he say nice things about Trump.

You’d think the leader buddying up with Trump, hugging, holding hands, cheek-kissing, and being all sorts of awkward would be from Russia, Turkey, the Philippines, China, or Texas. Right? Not France, where Trump’s likability rating is probably lower than it is in Boston.

But, Macron is willing to be nice to Trump in order to get what he wants, which is American troops staying in Syria, the U.S. back in the Paris Climate Agreement, and to retain the treaty with Iran that prevents them from acquiring nukes. Macron must be better than most people because he even allowed Trump to pretend to brush dandruff off his shoulder. Most people would have slapped his tiny orange fingers. Even Melania, who sleeps in a separate bedroom and an entirely different state when she can, won’t let him hold her hand.

And what was up with that dandruff thing? Trump brushed Macron’s shoulder and said “We have to make him perfect.” It wasn’t just awkward but another internationally embarrassing moment where they keep accumulating.

The Washington Post’s Ashley Parker interviewed body language expert Patti Wood on that moment. Wood said, “The interactions throughout the visit largely fall under a category known as gamesmanship.” According to Wood, Trump did something called “primate grooming.” Yeah, that sounds about right.

Wood added “It said, ‘We have an intimate relationship, but I’m dominant, I’m the alpha gorilla, I’m going to groom you. But I’m going to criticize you by saying you have dandruff, and I’m going to do that on the world stage and see how you handle that.”

Well, Shit. I didn’t need a body language expert to tell you that Trump was acting like an ape. Quite frankly, would it astonish anyone at this point if he started flinging poo?

I am concerned about the embarrassment Trump brought to our nation, France, and gorillas.

Here’s the extremely short video.

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How To Lose Friends And Alienate People


cjones05312017

Trump went from the protective bosom of autocracies where protests are banned, women are oppressed, and tyrants dance with swords, to liberal democracies where they don’t buy bullshit.

Trump’s Eurotrip included a summit with our NATO allies and the G7 Summit. Trump was antisocial and stood alone in corners while the rest of world leaders talked to each other. He was the party guest nobody wanted at the party, which is like every party Ted Cruz has ever attended.

Trump scolded the member states of NATO about how they weren’t spending enough on their military, which is easy to say when your nation has 20 aircraft carriers. Trump broke the tradition set by Harry Truman in 1949 and continued by every president since of publicly supporting Article 5. This article affirms that every member of NATO will come to the defense of any member that is under attack. The ironic thing is that the only time Article 5 has been used was after 9/11 when NATO supported the United States in its fight against terrorism.

Also, during the summit it was revealed that British police are withholding classified information from the United States after leaks to the media about the Manchester bombing. This just weeks after Trump shared classified information, from an ally, with the Russians.

And while in Brussels, Belgium Trump said Germany was “very bad, very bad” for the amount of cars it sells in the U.S. Never mind the fact most of the cars are actually built in the U.S. Along with that, Trump still hasn’t learned that he can’t negotiate individually with members of the European Union.

The most memorable moment occurred when Trump physically shoved Dusko Markovic, Prime Minister of Montenegro out of his way so he could be in the front for a group photo. Roughing people up is apparently cool for Republicans this week, whether in Brussels or Montana. Maybe Trump mistook him for a journalist.

During the G7 Summit Trump refused to make a decision on whether or not the United States will stay in the Paris Climate Agreement. Each of the other members, the United Kingdom, Germany, Italy, Canada, France, and Japan reaffirmed their commitment to the agreement and to combat climate change. Trump said he’ll make a decision later in the week when he won’t have to look the other leaders in the eye when he says he’s abandoning the United States’ commitment.

The G7 Summit was held in Sicily and at one point the leaders took a 700 yard walk through Taormina to take a photo together at a piazza. Not Trump. He waited to get a golf cart as his orange skinny legs couldn’t handle the exertion of physically walking. The other members had to wait for the “high energy” Trump before the photo could be taken.

Before the two summits, European leaders and diplomats were coached to keep details to the minimum for Trump’s short attention span, compliment him on his electoral victory, and compare him favorably to President Obama. Trump still had to assert himself as an alpha male bully.

Later, German Chancellor Angela Merkel stated that Europe can’t rely on the United States anymore. German magazine Der Spiegel published a highly-read article titled “It’s time to get rid of Donald Trump.” The article says that Trump is transforming the U.S. into a laughingstock, is a danger to the world, and must be removed from the Oval Office before he does more harm. It also called him a “liar,” a “racist,” and a “cheat,” among other things.

When your dog poops in a friend’s house you apologize, clean it up, and die of embarrassment. Europe, We’re sorry. We’re trying to clean it. We’re embarrassed.

Creative notes: I teased this cartoon on social media by stating I was doing serious research for it. My readers probably assumed I was doing some intensive investigating. I was actually looking up the photos of the G7 members and insults in their native languages…and to spell them correctly. OK, it was kinda intense.

I think I did everything correctly but if not, sorry. I checked each insult with more than one source. I had to ditch a few that I couldn’t be sure of by my sources.

Since you’re probably curious, I’ll run down each insult for you (and to save you from Googling).

Justin Trudeau, Canada:Hoser.” That’s an easy one. It means you’re foolish and uncultivated.

Emmanuel Macron, France:Vous avez le cervau d’un sandwich au fromage,” which means “you have the brains of a cheese sandwich.”

Angela Merkel, Germany: “Arsch mit ohren,” which means “ass with ears.”

Paolo Gentiloni, Italy: “Li mortacci tua,” which is an insult to your dead relatives. It’s really bad if you’re Italian.

Shinzo Abe, Japan: “Sekai de ichiban daikirai,” which means “I hate you more than anyone.”

Theresa May, United Kingdom: “Wanker” is just the best way to finish any political cartoon. I don’t think I have to tell you what it means.

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France Says “Non”


cjones05132017

France said “non.” They said “non” to fascism, tyranny, racism, xenophobia, and hatred.

In fact, France overwhelmingly said “non” with centrist Emmanuel Macron beating far-right nationalist Marine Le Pen by a devastatingly 30%. With Macron’s victory, France, Europe, and the entire world breathed a sigh of relief. The entire world minus Russia.

Putin was up to his old tricks by having his cyber-hacking minions infiltrate Macron’s campaign like he did in Britain for the Brexit vote, the U.S. campaign to elect Donald Trump, and several campaigns throughout Europe. The hackers released to the internet emails and information along with some fabricated communications from the Macron campaign a few hours before France’s mandated campaign blackout.

French law shuts down campaigning and media coverage 48 hours before the presidential election. However, the leaked information from the Macron campaign was still online. The questions were: Would French voters be persuaded by the leaks like voters in the U.S.? Would it hurt the Macron campaign that they couldn’t dish out information to counter the attack? Or would it hurt the hacking campaign if voters didn’t have enough time to be made aware of the publishing? Stupid people and alt-right sites were still posting bullshit on Facebook, right?

With Macron winning by over 30%, it probably wouldn’t have mattered how much time the hackers had to publish their espionage. French voters, unlike their American counterparts, are apparently wise enough to know that whoever Russia and Putin support, then you need to support the other candidate. Especially if that candidate accepted loans from Putin, as Le Pen did. While France rejected the xenophobe candidate, Americans rated Trump more honest than Hillary Clinton and ushered him into office despite him not having any governing experience and running on a platform totally devoid of details, but full of racist comments, sexism, and chock-full of stupidity. You would think a platform of “building a wall and Mexico will pay for it”, and “we’ll replace Obamacare with something better. Trust me.” would send a guy back to his golden tower in Manhattan, or at least to one of his golf resorts, depending on the weather. Let’s not forget his “secret plan” to defeat ISIS.

With Le Pen’s defeat, France has saved themselves all the trouble of investigating her campaign for treason, coordinating with their nation’s enemies, and eventually kicking her out of office.

Perhaps Macron’s greatest asset, and Le Pen’s biggest weakness was Donald Trump. France looked across the Atlantic and saw the chaos unfolding across the United States and decided they didn’t want any part of it. They rejected the politics of our Cheeto-Potentate like it was a great big plate of American cheese, Armour Vienna sausages, and saltine crackers.

In a sane world, a big, orange, illiterate, vagina-grabbing, Mexican-hating, narcissistic orangutan with a ridiculous comb-over who is a pathological liar with an inability to comprehend facts isn’t the perfect mascot for an electoral victory. Who coulda thunk that? Unfortunately for us, the United States is not a sober society anymore.

Viva la France. Viva Democracy. France’s gift to us in 1886 sits on an island off Manhattan and is a beacon of freedom and liberty for the entire world. Perhaps their rejection of fascism on Sunday can be another gift. A gift of inspiration for us to reject the politics of intolerance and hatred for the next four years.

France will not be banning immigrants. They will not be leaving Europe and they won’t be leaving the rest of the world. Maybe in four years we can rejoin it.

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Le Pew


cjones04272017

The smell that emitted out of France on Sunday is the same stench coming from the United Kingdom and the United States.

The anti-immigrant movement is pure populist hatred. Let’s throw out people who don’t look like us. We need to live in fear. Vote for me and I’ll hate it hard. Yay hatred!

The Brexit movement rode fear, hatred, and nationalism to success in the UK. Donald Trump used it and proved that there’s enough racism in America to give him an electoral victory. Now it’s being implemented in France, where they’ve had several terrorist attacks recently, including one last week.

Marine Le Pen is a far-right candidate of the National Front party. She’s not just a fan of preventing Muslims from entering her nation, but she wants to kick them out. She told her cheering supporters that the biggest issue of this election was “untamed globalization” that is threatening France and its culture. Le Pen wants France to follow the UK’s lead and exit the European Union. That would be a “Frexit” She’s also cuddly with Russian president Vladimir Putin, who’s sticking his fingers into the French election much like he did with the U.S. Guess which French candidate he prefers? The same one Donald Trump is rooting for.

Marine Le Pen came in second to Emmanuel Macron, who is a centrist. The vote locked out the two major parties and for the first time in nearly 60 years the French presidency is between two outsider candidates. Imagine if our choices were between Jill Stein and Gary Johnson.

The Guardian writes “The contest on 7 May is a contest between openness and bigotry, internationalism and nationalism, optimism and hatred, reaction and reform, hope and fear.” The election we had last November were between the same choices. Unfortunately we chose bigotry, nationalism, hatred, and fear.

Let’s see in two weeks if France can be better than we are and not vote for the Russian stooge.

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.