King Kong

Tax The Monkey


There’s one thing Donald Trump fears more than anything and no, I’m not talking about stairs, rain, wind, or sharks. He’s afraid of it more than facts and even more than a pandemic killing his constituents. He’s even more afraid of it more than a giant gorilla climbing Trump Tower. The thing Trump fears the most is a recession.

No president wants a recession but it’s especially worse for Donald Trump because he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

In the modern era, recessions cut short the presidencies of Jimmy Carter and George H. W. Bush. George W. Bush managed to serve two terms but a recession helped his party lose the White House.  All three of these presidents were smarter and better than Donald J. Trump. Yeah, even George W.

Democratic presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama pulled our nation out of recessions created by Republican presidents. Donald Trump is really good at claiming Obama’s success, but the only accomplishment he has with the American economy is that he hasn’t fucked it up yet. It’s a big yet. It’s not a long limb to venture out on to predict a Democratic president will be pulling us out of Donald Trump’s recession.

The coronavirus is hitting our nation and right at election time. It would be rare for the nation to toss out a president during good economic times, but if one president can accomplish being rejected by the nation during an economic boom, it’s Donald Trump. If Americans are feeling a pinch or losing confidence in the economy, the presidency of Donald Trump, which never should have happened in the first place, is history. The economy, which he didn’t even create, is the only thing he has going for him (unless you’re a Nazi and you like a pro-Nazi president). Unfortunately, being laughed at by other world leaders isn’t a plus.

As the Coronavirus hits the U.S., Trump keeps spinning as if he’s successfully managing it. First off, he cut budgets to agencies that would deal with a pandemic, thus setting himself to fail before it even began. Donald Trump is that stupid. He’s called it a hoax and blamed the Democratic Party and the media for it. He even blamed Obama. When the stock market dropped, he claimed it was a success because more Americans were staying home, spending their money here and that we have lower gas prices. If a giant monkey does climb Trump Tower and poops on the streets, Trump will boast we have lots of free fertilizer. But we’ve been rolling in that for the last three years.

To deal with the coronavirus, Trump is going back to the only thing he’s really accomplished. Tax Cuts. Trump wants a payroll tax cut worth $40 billion a month. How long does Trump want this cut to last? Only until the election. Ever wonder what Trump’s poker face looks like? Unfortunately for him, it looks like his usual face.

But the thing is, nobody really likes his idea of a payroll tax cut. Of course, Democrats don’t like it but even Republicans aren’t wild about it. It’s a cut for hourly workers, not corporations and mega-rich assholes. Of course, Republicans don’t like it. But even members of his own administration think it’s a horrible idea.

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, National Economic Council Director Larry Kudlow and Acting Director of the Office of Management and Budget Russ Vought would all rather help the economy by giving paid sick leave to hourly workers and loans for small businesses affected by the coronavirus, according to White House insiders. Some Democrats are pushing to expand unemployment insurance.

The problem with a payroll tax cut is that it only helps hourly workers, and it doesn’t help them if they can’t go to work, either because they’re sick, their hours are cut because of declining business, they get laid off, or their business goes under faster than a Trump casino without a daddy loan.

And even if it does put more money in people’s pockets, they’re not going to board flights, visit theme parks, take cruises, or golf at shitty bedbug-infested Trump resorts if they think they’re going to catch a virus that kills them.

On top of trying to prevent a recession, Donald Trump is just trying to buy votes. Fortunately for him, his supporters are dumb enough to fall for that. What he better hope they don’t notice is that they can’t afford to get sick because if they do, Donald Trump doesn’t want to help them. Trump wants to cut entitlements and strip pre-existing conditions from insurance coverage. Again, things that don’t help Americans who need it the most.

Donald Trump has displayed that he doesn’t know how to handle a crisis. Neither tweets or tax cuts will cure a pandemic. If anything, Donald Trump is only skilled at making it worse. If your parents buy you a pony to lift your spirts over their divorce, it doesn’t actually stop the divorce. If anything, the pony it just temporary, it’s a shit machine while you have it, and daddy is still living with a woman closer to your age than your mother’s. Don’t believe me? Ask Ivanka.

The best way to deal with the coronavirus would be to deal with the coronavirus. We don’t need card tricks. What we need is a president who can deal with a crisis and save Americans from dying.

Donald Trump has a big monkey to deal with in an election year and a tax cut isn’t going to make it go away. But it might make our monkey go away.

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