Jobless

Republican Rescue


cjones08052020

After Hurricane Maria hit Puerto Rico in 2017, Donald Trump went to the island, after discovering it was an island, and threw out paper towels. Then, he proceeded to lie about the death toll and trash the residents of the United States territory, after he found out it was a United States territory.

Today, a lot of people still don’t get the fact, despite three years of evidence, that Donald Trump doesn’t give a flying fuck about anything unless it’s Donald Trump.

Take Donald Trump’s latest interview with Axios. When asked if he was impressed by the late congressman and civil rights icon John Lewis, Trump couldn’t answer the question except to complain Lewis didn’t come to his inauguration or his State of the Union speeches. Again, for Donald Trump, it’s all about DonaldTrump.

While millions of Americans are still unemployed with the extra $600 a week unemployment benefit expiring and facing evictions, Congress went on a three-day weekend. Democrats have had a plan on the table for months. It passed the House while it’s languished in the Senate. Republicans don’t like it because it’s too nice and doesn’t help out enough billionaire assholes. Republicans are afraid it’ll make poor and middle-class people lazy and a bunch of grifters, you know…like the president (sic).

Initially, the Trump White House, with negotiations led by Treasury Secretary Steve Baby Fishmouth Mnuchin, demanded cuts to testing and to the Center for Disease Control in a pandemic that’s killed over 150,000 Americans. But guess what the White House did demand to be inserted into the relief package?

Donald Trump has demanded at least $1.8 billion in the relief package to go for a new FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C. You might ask yourself, What the fuck does that have to do with the coronavirus? How does that help out anybody being hurt by this pandemic?

The answer is, it doesn’t. As Donald Trump said in that Axios interview about the death toll, “It is what it is.”

Before Trump came into office, there were plans to move the FBI headquarters out of the city. Maryland and Virginia both wanted the new HQ and that was the initial squabble. It’s a lot of money and jobs. Washington actually wants it to leave the city so they can use that prime downtown space for retail and make much more money from taxes than from another bloated government agency that Donald Trump has turned into his own personal goon squad.

Why does Donald Trump want the building to stay in the capital? The cynical person would bet it’s because Donald Trump has a financial stake in it. Shame on those cynics. Shame, for shame. The truth is…yeah. That prime retail space might go towards a hotel…one that would compete directly against the Trump Hotel which is nearby. Fortunately, it has been removed because it was even hard for Republican assholes to swallow.

Donald Trump also wants the government to receive a finders fee, gratuity, or tribute for the sale of the Chinese app, TikTok, if Microsoft buys it. I know deep down inside this story, there’s a payoff to Trump. Also, what happened to Republicans being against heavy regulations and higher payouts to the government? This is weird. What do Republicans really believe in anymore?

While running for president, Donald Trump promised a replacement for Obamacare. He said it was going to be “bigger, better, and cheaper.” We still haven’t seen it. He promised they wouldn’t try to repeal Obamacare until they had a replacement. They ended up trying, and failing, to repeal it before they had a replacement. Two weeks ago, he said the new plan would be unveiled in two weeks. That was over two weeks ago and still nothing. Instead, during this pandemic that’s killed over 150,000 Americans, Trump is still trying to kill Obamacare.

Donald Trump doesn’t care about you. Ask Herman Cain. Wait. You can’t. He’s dead from catching the Trump Virus at a Trump rally.

Trump and Republicans had four months at least to prepare for the unemployment and eviction protections to run out. Instead, they took vacations. Trump played a lot of golf. At this point, you’ll be lucky to get paper towels.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Ivanka Beans


cjones07192020

I love seeing posts on social media from white conservatives swearing they’ll replace Goya’s Hispanic and Latino customers which leads them to ask, “Where can I find it?”.  White people, it’s on that aisle you never go down and in case you’re a Republican, “INTL” means “international.”

See, they’ve never bought it before and when they do find it, it’ll sit at the back of their cupboards until the end of time or until they take it to their white church’s food drive where it’ll end up at the back of some other white conservative’s cabinet. Let’s face facts: Even if you can eat it, you’re not going to know what to do with it. You’re going to be like Ivanka Trump. She has a job in the White House and she doesn’t know what to do with it.

Ivanka is pretty and has presented herself as the reasonable Trump. Some bought that ridiculous bullshit for a while but the ruse is over. She’s just as stupid and vile as the rest of them.

She’s stupid, along with her brothers, as they didn’t know how to vote. Seriously. They went to vote for their daddy in the New York Republican primary in 2016 and found out they couldn’t because they were registered in the Democratic Party. Think about it. Why should someone have a government job when they can’t even figure out how to vote? If you really believed in a candidate, wouldn’t you make sure you knew how to support him…especially if that candidate was your jackass father?

She’s vile too. She promised to be the advocate for women issues in the White House, yet she’s remained silent on the over two dozen allegations of her father sexually assaulting women. She came out against Alabama Republican Senate Candidate, renowned pedophile, and mall foodcourt aficionado until her daddy defended him. Then, once again, she was silent. While children were being ripped apart from their parents at the border with 1,500 being unaccounted for, she tweeted a sweet and loving glamour photo of her and her son with a big heart emoji.

She doesn’t miss a beat when traveling with her father on international trips. She made sure her face was seen in a window at Buckingham Palace, another historic building she doesn’t belong in, and also took advantage of her position to step into North Korea, a place where she can belong, just to be able to say she did it.

At international conferences, she joins conversations on serious matters with world leaders and pretends she knows the subjects. Her father has had her sit in on cabinet meetings. You could put one of those bubonic squirrels the press alerted us to yesterday at one of these meetings and it couldn’t get more nutty.

Ivanka’s qualifications for being an adviser to the president (sic) is that she’s the president’s daughter. Unless there’s a serious international incident with handbags, I don’t see where her expertise will ever be necessary. The same goes for her dipshit stupid jackoff husband, Jared. He’s been placed in policy ranging from immigration to peace in the Middle East to a response to the coronavirus where he told us the federal stockpile of PPE was “our stockpile” and not for the states. Can we have the squirrel?

Jared has been a worm in his position in that he’s been conducting secret talks with foreign powers outside of the State Department and undermining the Secretary of State. His family’s company has also been given bailouts by foreign governments, just like Ivanka’s products continue to be granted patents in China. Between the election and inauguration, dumbass Jared went to the Russian embassy and proposed they create a backchannel to communicate so U.S. intelligence couldn’t listen in. Why would he want that? And even that discussion was caught by our intelligence. He’s using WhatsApp to talk to the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia.

Jared and Ivanka do not belong in the White House. To help unknowingly make that case, Ivanka is in charge of a new jobs program called “Try Something New.” A new ad debuted yesterday of people who couldn’t get jobs in their old careers, so they just got new ones. Who knew all you had to after losing your job was find something else to do? I’m sure half of the nation’s population without a job because of her dad’s lousy response to the coronavirus will appreciate that information. By the way, did you know you can quit drugs by just saying “no?”

While we were trying to absorb a “jobs program” from a person who has never had to apply or interview for a job in her entire fucking life, telling us to “try something new,” she released another glamour shot. This one of her holding a can of Goya black beans in the style of game show hostess. There was no “My heart” with this one but her love of black beans seems about as genuine as the pic of her with her son.

This photo, which will just endear itself to the Hispanic and Latino community to change their minds about boycotting the products after its president praised Donald Trump’s “leadership,” is a violation of the Hatch Act.

Government employees can’t promote products though I’m sure nothing will come of it because nothing did when Kellyanne Conway went on TV and hawked products for Ivanka…or that time a Trump property was promoted at WhiteHouse.org. In fact, the non-partisan Citizens for Ethics and Accountability in Washington found 3,241 conflicts of interest from the Trump administration. Basically, it’s all self-dealing.

And now, Ivanka has used her position to pimp Goya. If you’re the president of Goya, or own stock in it, you’re probably going to want the Trumps to stop promoting your product, which Donald Trump has also done on Twitter. You don’t want the people responsible for jails for brown babies promoting your product aimed at brown people. That would be like putting John Wayne Gacy on a box of cereal. Who’s crazy for Coco Puffs?

I don’t think people are going to line up and start eating black beans because Ivanka posed with a can of them. A can of black beans I’m certain weren’t already in her cabinet before the boycott, and that someone had to purchase for her. But hey, maybe she’ll actually open the can and give them a try.

Can openers come with instructions, right?

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.