Jeopardy

Jeopardy!

Cjones08232021

Alex Trebek was the host of Jeopardy! since 1984 until his death earlier this year. Even during his treatment for pancreatic cancer, he continued to host the show he loved. Trebek was a stand-up person who hosted the show with dignity and was beloved by millions. So, who does the show select to replace him? A racist, sexist, anti-Semitic D-bag who enjoys laughing at the homeless.

Alex Trebek hosted Jeopardy! for 37 years. His replacement, Mike Richards, lasted one day.

Jeopardy! conducted tryouts with guest hosts which included Mayim Bialik, Anderson Cooper, Aaron Rodgers, Joe Buck, Robin Roberts, Savannah Guthrie and, and fan favorite to get the gig permanently, LeVar Burton. The least known of the guest hosts is probably Mike Richards…who is an executive producer of Jeopardy! and had a hand in the selection for a new host. At the end of the search, he helped picked himself which was reminiscent of Dick Cheney picking himself after conducting a search for George W. Bush’s vice-presidential running mate.

When the rock band ZZ Top was forming and searching for their bass player, the drummer, Frank Beard, recruited a friend and former bandmate Dusty Hill to audition. Years later, he admitted he didn’t play at his best during Hill’s competitors’ auditions, but picked up the pace during Hill’s to make him look better. That actually worked out and you can say he did it in the best interest of the band. What Mike Richards did was make himself look better in the best interest for himself.

Maybe the vetting should have resembled the type of investigations that go into picking a vice-presidential candidate, because there was stuff on Richards that wasn’t even hidden. Stuff like multiple lawsuits against The Price is Right from when he was a producer for the show. He was named a co-defendant in at least one when he made disparaging comments toward one of the models after she informed him she was pregnant. Two of the lawsuits were settled out of court.

According to one lawsuit, he had laid off five models but upon being informed of the pregnancy of another, he gave the impression he would have laid her off if he had known about the pregnancy. After she gave birth, her contract was terminated.

Then, it was pointed out that Richards made a lot of offensive comments when he hosted a podcast years ago called, “The Randumb Show.” Dumb indeed. The Ringer reported that Richards had made comments on this show that were consistent with his sexist comments from his days at The Price is Right. He really hates one-piece swimming suits and said they make women look “frumpy and overweight.” He made comments about Jews and big noses which got the Anti-Defamation League host on his case. He called his female co-host a “booth slut” because she once worked as a model at a consumer show in Las Vegas (maybe keep this guy away from models). He harassed a women on the air about taking nude selfies, kept asking about her “boobies,” and demanded to go through her phone. He also made jokes about homeless people.

After The Ringer asked Sony and Richards’ agent about the comments from his podcast, every episode was removed and the hosting site for the podcast was deleted. But when you’re famous and take a crap on the internet, it’s really hard to clean it up.

Richards has only been at Jeopardy! for the past 15 months and according to reports, morale among the staff has decreased under his management. They were blindsided when Sony, the parent company of Jeopardy!, announced Richards as the new host. But his dream came true and he finally got to host a talk show…for a day.

After The Ringer’s report, he removed himself (supposedly) as host of Jeopardy! without apologizing. Now, the search for a new host will begin all over apparently, without considering the former candidates. The one episode he did host will still air because it has to keep the continuity of the contestants. It would be like removing one episode of Friends which explained how Joey and Rachel got together. Wait…maybe that explains why nobody knows how Joey and Rachel got together.

But Richards isn’t gone forever. He’s going to remain as executive producer for Jeopardy! Yeah, smart move, Sony. Richards is white and quite frankly, I think this is a another example of white privilege. If nothing else it’s another example where powerful men are protected by other powerful men. Sony is protecting him when what they should be doing is kicking his sexist hateful ass to the curb. They want to start clean with a host but not with the producer? That makes less sense than Joey and Rachel and is also ickier.

Jeopardy is famous for answers having to be given in the form of a question, so I’ll give you the honor of playing.

An executive producer who cheated the system by screwing people over, is getting away with it, but should be fired. And go…

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Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: here are SIX copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

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Scaredy MAGAts

Cjones07062021

In the comments under yesterday’s cartoon on Instagram, I was called a “libtard.” I didn’t think it was that special though it’s been a while since someone has hurled that bigoted and ignorant insult in my direction. And I didn’t just get it once. I got it four times. It amused me so I tweeted about it…which lead to me being called the word about 17 more more times on Twitter.

First off, to the liberals who replied that I should throw it back at them with something like “Trumptard,” you’re missing the point. We don’t sink to their level and you don’t fight bigotry with bigotry. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be more direct: Don’t use the word, “tard.” Don’t justify it.

Normally, goons call me something like “snowflake.” They think that’s clever. It’s been over four years but that still gets chuckles from them. I love that they use that word, because it’s another example of conservative projection. You see, conservatives are cowards to the point they’re afraid of tiny little thing, like a gay player in the NFL, to the “WAP” song, to losing their white privilege, and to things that don’t even exist, like Jewish Space Lasers.

For example: Republicans have been screaming about communism and Sharia law for years, yet it hasn’t happened here. Another example of projection is their campaigning for their own version of Sharia law.

And if you don’t believe me that Republicans are huge cowards and are constantly snowflaking about shit, just turn on Tucker. He cries about everything and especially if it’s stuff that doesn’t exist. He is the center of the cowardly universe for Republicans who tune in nightly to see what they should be afraid of tomorrow.

This July 4th, fireworks may send your sweet doggy hiding underneath your bed out of fear and anxiety, but Bowser ain’t got nothing on Tucker. Tucker probably sleeps under his bed every night, and unlike in this cartoon, he probably takes the Trumpy Bear with him. And, if you have named your dog after Tucker, that is animal cruelty.

Right now, Republicans have so much to be afraid of that will never hurt them. Stuff like Critical Race Theory, Jewish Space Lasers, Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo ballots, Levar Burton hosting Jeopardy!, gay football players, Ilhan Omar, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, Hilary Clinton, Sandra Fluke (let’s bring her back), Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (women in general), Juneteenth, trans athletes (this is the hot one for the moment), taking down Confederate statues, Black Lives Matter, Antifa, woke generals, and me. Actually, I’m the only one you should be afraid of and I’m coming to getcha.

When I started this cartoon, I already had some of these topics in my head…but I needed to be reminded what else they’re afraid of, which forced me to look at some stuff I didn’t want to look at.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut negativity out of my life. That means no looking at Trumper pages on social media, no looking at conservative political cartoons, and no watching Fox News, which I never do anyway. But, to see the current fears, I had to go look at some. It was either that or call one of my MAGAt sisters. No thanks!

First thing I did was check out the Facebook page of one cartoonist, who is not my friend, but is afraid of everything and is always posting about it. He’s on the pulse of right-wing bullshit which can come in helpful for research. Right now his main fears are the vaccine, trans people, and President Biden whispering. He’s also afraid of having his white privilege taken away and it’s obvious he hates black people. He also has a weird Led Zeppelin fetish. It is weird for a 60-year-old man to post 18 shirtless-Robert Plant pictures a day, right?

Then I looked at some cartoons from a bunch of them and…HOLY SHIT!!!!! Did you hear about this trans thing? Apparently, they’re going to shower with us, win beauty pageants, and steal gold medals at the Olympics. This is a major crisis in conservative media. Also, they’re never watching the NFL again…again.

And then, I did what I really didn’t want to do. I went to Breitbart. Ugh. Breitbart used to, and maybe they still do, have an entire section devoted to “black on black crime.” It’s like the racist section but they couldn’t call it the “racist” section. Today’s headlines at the Breitbart include scary stories about trans people, black people, CNN, Critical Race Theory, Biden eating ice cream (that sonofabitch!), gays, more trans people, another Critical Race Theory story, covid this and covid that, immigrants, more trans people, more Critical Race Theory, more immigrants, more black people, more trans people, Critical Race Theory again, and Tucker Carlson is probably right about being spied on by the NSA…and more trans stories. Nothing about aliens, at least not on the front page.

Conservatives are really afraid of EVERYTHING. They need help for their anxiety but I can’t find anything on the web about how to soothe and calm a MAGAt suffering from loud noises. So, I decided to take the tips for dogs suffering from firework anxiety and apply it to dumbass racist Republican conspiracy theorists. Maybe one of these can keep your MAGAt from scurrying under your bed and piddling. MAGAt piddle is just the worst.

Tip 1: Ask your vet for a sedative. I’m sure any sedative designed for your fur baby will also work on your MAGAt baby. Just don’t be tempted to give them the entire bottle because it’ll sure be nice if you don’t see them for a few days. I understand the temptation. Also, don’t hit them in the head with a hammer, though again, I understand the temptation.

Tip 2: Hold them close and say, “shhhh. It’ll be alright. AOC isn’t coming to get you.” This may not work as nobody wants to hold a MAGAt close to their own body. Ew.

Tip 3: Give them a treat. Raw bacon, waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, a sandwich from Cheesecake Factory, or just a block of raw butter from Cracker Barrell may get them excited long enough not to notice CNN ran a special on the Tulsa Massacre.

Tip 4: Belly rubs. MAGAts love a good belly tickle. But once again, this would mean you have to touch them. Also, most MAGAts are sticky. You’ve been warned.

Tip 5: Tell them you’re trans. They’ll probably jump out the window and you’ll never see them again. That advice wasn’t on the doggy site because people love dogs and want to see them again. Have you ever heard of anyone adopting a lost MAGAt? No, you have not.

Tip 6: Buy your MAGAt a one-way bus trip to Jacksonville and let him be their problem. Jacksonville won’t notice. It’s not like they’ll say, “Hey, have you noticed Jacksonville has been a lot more Jacksonvilley?”

Tip 7: Turn off Fox News. You shouldn’t let your dog watch Fox News either as that’s animal cruelty.

Tip 8: The doggy site says to familiarize your pet to the sounds, but I think if you repeat “Ilhan Omar” too often, your MAGAt may leap into a ceiling fan. But then again, win-win except for the mess. MAGAts are sticky on the inside too…we think. It may just be a lot of coal.

Tip 9: Did I mention the one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville? I did? Never mind.

Tip 10: Distraction: Someone should produce and sell mobiles with Trump’s face on them. If you put that above a MAGAts bed, he may not notice anything else. See if you can work some Benadryl into the baby bottle.

Tip 11: Ball gag.

Tip 12: Get him a Thundershirt. Be warned, they don’t work on everybody. For instance, they don’t work on Beagles. But, Beagles are way smarter than MAGAts and are fooled less easily. You never heard a Beagle bitch about immigration…unless you immigrated a cat into the house. Speaking of cats, there are Thundershirts for cats. Putting a Thundershit on a MAGAt has gotta be a hell of a lot easier than putting a shirt on a cat. Also, thundershirts use velcro, so like a MAGAts shoes, they may be able to put them on by themselves. As I recall though, you had to slide arms in, fold one piece over another, then fold the piece that has the velcro…never mind. It’s way too complicated for a MAGAt and you’re gonna have to help him.

If none of these work, there’s the hammer idea and you can probably get that one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville for about $80.00. Hell, that’s twice the price of a Thundershirt.

Last tip: Stop with the fireworks. What are you, six? Get over it already.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Jr. Jeopardy

cjones05182019

James Holzhauer is on a 22-game winning streak on Jeopardy (in case you’re a Republican, that’s a game show). Holzhauer has accumulated $1.7 million in winnings and has given the game show higher ratings than, get this, The Big Bang Theory and hold on to your lugnuts, Game of Thrones. No shit.

Holzhauer owns the 10 highest single-day winnings in the show’s history, but he doesn’t own the record for most Jeopardy money…yet. That honor belongs to Ken Jennings.

James Holzhauer and Ken Jennings are smart. They have big brains. Let’s talk about someone who does not.

After being subpoenaed to testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Donald Trump Jr has agreed to limited questioning from the senators. Wait. How the hell did that happen? He gets a subpoena and agrees to limited questions? Have you ever been called to court and refused or negotiated your terms on testifying? Even Marisa Tomei didn’t get that deal in My Cousin Vinny. Is this a nation built to serve rich douchebags or what?

The deal is, Trumpy Jr will testify if the topics are limited to a half dozen to maybe a dozen (depending on which source you use), and he only has to stay two to four hours. He’s a busy guy who doesn’t have time for accountability. He has a shyster corporation to run, big game animals to shoot, and conspiracy theories and Nazis to retweet.

Trump Jr. refused to be questioned by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team. For some reason, Mueller didn’t subpoena him. He testified once before the Senate in a private session and later agreed to return, which he reneged on.

Daddy Trump has wailed that his son is being mistreated and that he had already testified in private for hours upon hours. Yeah, that’s why he’s gotta come back. It’s that testimony that’s raised questions. The Mueller Report contains testimony from more than one witness that contradicts Jr. If you tell the cops you didn’t do something and then ten people contradict you, the cops are probably going to want to talk to you again.

Like his father, Junior has a history of lying. Before news of the Trump Tower meeting came out, he was on Fox News denying there was ever ANY contacts with Russia, and how dare anyone ask if there were.

Junior is a liar. He makes shit up. He retweets antisemitic theories on George Soros. He gives interviews to people who believe in white genocide. He compares immigrants to Skittles. He’s almost as horrible as his father. Maybe by the time he’s 72, he’ll be just as bad and have his very own failed hair transplant, and pornstars to hush.

Senators want to question Junior about the Trump Tower meeting where he was seeking dirt on Hillary Clinton from Russians, and on the secretive Trump Tower Moscow project. Daddy Trump and Junior have both claimed no Moscow deal was in progress, yet Michael Cohen claims there was, they were working on a bribe to Vladimir Putin, and Junior was briefed on the development at least ten times. I wonder if he ever replied, “I love it?”

Lindsey Graham, who once screamed that Bill Clinton and his people had to comply with congressional subpoenas and who also chairs a committee that issues them, said Junior should refuse to testify and ignore the subpoena. No cognitive dissonance there, right? Lindsey Graham has sold his soul for a bag of orange jelly beans, or are they skittles?

I understand the chairman of the committee, Richard Burr, was under intense pressure from his fellow Republicans to comply with Junior. I mean, Junior’s lawyer was threatening to send a letter. Ack! I suppose issuing contempt charges for a person being contemptible was out of the question.

This president needs oversight and that goes for his stupid children who have aided him in subverting democracy. Can someone please go to jail for breaking the law, selling out our nation to Russians, and lying to Congress?

Greg Kihn is a one-hit wonder with the song “Jeopardy” (but check out “The Breakup Song”), which Weird Al Yankovic covered with “I Lost On Jeopardy.” I’m hoping Weird Junior loses on legal jeopardy.

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