The Real Extremists


One of my cartoon copy editors (I have two) told me this cartoon hit on something that “distresses” her.

She wrote, “It’s become a competition after every mass shooting to see if the shooter is one of ours or one of theirs. If it’s one of theirs, that just shows how bad and depraved the other side is. If it’s one of ours, it’s because the shooter was somehow victimized by the other side. We’re so busy hating one another we can’t see that actual people are dying and it’s coming for us too.” And then she told me I didn’t have any typos.

She is absolutely right and it’s something I admit I think of with each shooting…and I know you do too. I also know the other side does it.

How do I know the other side does it? Because if it’s a white guy, especially one with a pro-Trump or racist manifesto (same thing really), they scream the guy was mentally unstable. If the guy isn’t white, then he’s a terrorist.

My first thought is not, “Is it one of theirs or one of ours?”. That’s because no mass shooter is one of ours. I’m not on the side of people who kill people. Even when a liberal shot Republican Steve Scalise, it wasn’t one of ours. That lunatic may have barked liberal philosophies, but he betrayed it by shooting someone.

For Republicans, all shooters are theirs. It doesn’t matter if the guy has a Republican manifesto and is driving around in a van covered with pro-Trump stickers and is an incel who gets rejected by his blow-up Barbie, or if he’s a bearded beanie Birkenstock-wearing Bernie Bro. Republicans bear responsibility for all shootings. And it’s not because white nationalists are the greatest terror threat in this nation (they are), but because Republicans refuse to do anything about the gun crisis (only immigrants at the border is a “crisis”) and they’re owned by the NRA.

The majority of Americans want gun control. Even the Second Amendment that Republican fucksticks keep barking about uses the term “well-regulated.” It’s kinda ironic the anti-regulation party bases their entire pro-gun spiel on a sentence that says guns should be “well-regulated.” Even back when there were only muskets that took two hours to load, the founding fathers thought regulating guns was a good idea.

But the Republican Party is controlled by the National Rifle Association. When elected officials serve a lobby, they’re not serving their constituents.

Yesterday, Ted Cruz, a guy with a face more punchable than Rand Paul’s, literally complained that every time there is a mass shooting, Democrats want to end mass shootings. Then he literally (we use “literally” a lot with Ted Cruz) argued using “thoughts and prayers” over doing anything substantial. He said proposing legislation was “ridiculous theater.”

Ted, when you left for Cancun wearing a generic face mask but returned home the next day after being called out and then being photographed with a Texas flag face mask, that face mask was “ridiculous theater.” “Ridiculous theater” was you staging photo-ops of loading water into cars while wearing the same Texas flag face mask. If Ted is ever caught cheating on Heidi, he’ll show up the next day with flowers and her face on a T-shirt. And then, Donald Trump can tweet that Melania’s face looks better on T-shirts.

Remember that crazy county clerk in Kentucky who wouldn’t certify gay marriages and was arrested for it? The day she got out of jail, Ted Cruz was there for a photo-op. THAT was “ridiculous theater.” And even she didn’t wanna be seen with Ted Cruz. Instead, she spent all day with Mike Huckabee.

Cancun Cruz argued in the Senate, “I don’t apologize for thoughts or prayers. I will lift up in prayer people who are hurting and I believe in the power of prayer, and the contempt of Democrats for prayers is an odd sociological thing.”

No, Ted. Your gun fetish is an odd sociological thing. That time you cooked bacon on a heated gun barrel of an assault weapon in a campaign commercial was an odd sociological thing. By the way, have you ever heard of a frying pan? That shit you peeled off the gun barrel was limper and more flaccid than…bacon from McDonald’s (you thought I was going somewhere else with that, didn’t ya’?).

Campaign commercials by Qanon congresswoman fucknut Marjorie Taylor Green shooting a sign reading “Socialism” with an assault weapon is an odd sociological thing. But hey, points for finding someone on her staff who can spell “socialism.”

Campaign commercials by Qanon congresswoman fucknut Lauren Boebert of her skulking through Washington with a gun holster on her hip and strapped to her fucking leg like the capital is high noon at the Fucknut Corral in Dodge City is an odd sociological thing.

Republican congressman and noted liar Madison Cawthorn’s commercials of him shooting assault weapons (plural) is an odd sociological thing.

Fuckwad Representatives demanding they should be allowed to take their guns anywhere in the Capitol building is an odd sociological thing. What are you afraid of, that Diane Feinstein’s gonna mug you for your lunch money?

I grew up with guns. I’m from the south so, duh. But I haven’t owned a gun since before my son was born in 1990. I had fun shooting guns and going hunting without killing anything with my best friend Ronnie when we were kids. Then I realized I didn’t like getting up early and sitting in a deer stand in the rain and the first time a deer crossed my path, which were two fawns, instead of shooting them, I named them (Spots and Spotsier. They had spots). Their mom followed and I named her Susan. I had two shot guns and a 22 rifle. My uncle, who sold me my 12 gauge, repossessed it when I didn’t finish paying for him for it (he had a lot of guns), and I realized I didn’t care. Soon after, I gave my rusty 410 (a pretty weak shotgun) to a neighbor and pawned my 22. I never really looked back or regretted getting rid of my guns. But Ronnie still loves his guns.

Today, Ronnie is in Alabama. I was friends with Ronnie’s wife, Lisa, back in the 80s before he met her and sometimes we still talk. I was having a conversation with her fairly recently and we were talking about Washington, DC and New York City. She told me Ronnie would never go to those places because he won’t go anywhere he can’t take a gun. To me, a guy who grew up with guns in the south and can understand it a little bit, that’s an odd sociological thing.

By the way, Ronnie still owes me a video of him crying that he promised before the election if Trump lost. I will also settle for a video of him doing the Little Wrong Man dance.

Anyway…guns. The fetish for them is an odd sociological thing. I don’t get the inability of being unable to leave your home without a gun. For me, it’s car keys, phone, wallet, and pants (when you spend all day without wearing pants during a pandemic, there’s always that one time you step outside forgetting to put on pants. Oddly enough, I had on shoes and socks).

Ted Cruz thinks wanting to do more than giving thoughts and prayers is an odd sociological thing. Ted, your face is odd.

Do you know what the best thing about “thoughts and prayers” is for Republicans? Ted says he believes in the power of prayer, despite the fact it’s not working. Proof? Ten people died from a mass shooting this week and another eight last week. The prayers didn’t stop it. Or maybe all the times they offered thoughts and prayers in the past, they just forgot to actually do it. But Ted and his fellow fetishists claim that giving some thoughts and some prayers are effective and it’s their excuse not to do anything that would actually be substantial in curbing gun violence. But the very best part of thoughts and prayers is…they don’t even have to prove they’re doing it.

I mean, Ted. When you close your eyes and try giving us the impression you’re praying, how do we know you’re actually praying for the victims…or even praying at all? For all we know, you’re thinking back to that banana monkey you had in Cancun while your state was freezing its lone star balls off. You could be thinking about soft and flaccid gun barrel bacon. Or maybe you’re thinking about a new way to kiss Donald Trump’s ass that would overshadow all other Republicans’ kissing of Donald Trump’s ass. Or maybe, when you’re pretending to pray, you’re trying to think of another way to use your daughters in another campaign commercial…or if you should throw them under the bus again the next time you’re caught being a sniveling weasel. You could be thinking about how to gaslight that you were ever in favor of overturning an election and had supported white nationalist terrorists. Maybe you’re asking God why crazy religious female zealots prefer Mike Huckabee over you. Maybe you’re thinking Trump was right to accuse your father of murder. Or maybe you’re wondering if your wife Heidi is truly as ugly as Donald Trump says she is. Maybe you’re asking your lord why he gave you that face. I have. Dear, Lord. Why did you give Ted Cruz that face?

It doesn’t matter what Ted or other Republicans are thinking, none of it will stop gun violence.

And seriously, God. Why did you give him that face? Did Ted turn into a total spineless shitweasel because he had to grow up with that face, or did God know he was going to suck, so he gave him that face? But even then, I doubt thoughts and prayers can do anything to help Ted’s face.

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Selective Vigilance


Commentators on Foxnews say brown people should be profiled. Conservatives argue we need to throw away political correctness and say this is “Islamic” terrorism, not just terrorism. People used to say “I’m not a racist but” right before they would say something racist. Today the go to is “political correctness.”

Dammit, why can’t people just be racist and proud of it? Even David Duke denies he’s a racist.

People are very concerned about brown people killing white people. They’re very concerned about Muslims attacking Christians and Jews. Terrorists kill more Muslims than any other religious group, so who’s the war really against?

Now when a white guy bombs a federal building, an abortion clinic or an NAACP office, it’s not “Christian” terrorism. It’s “Domestic” terrorism. Hell, it may not even be terrorism. The FBI refuses to call the bombing in Colorado Springs this week “terrorism.” Where are all the conservatives who yell for Obama to identify terrorism now? I know you’re out there. I can hear you lurching.

These racists, I mean conservatives, scream that liberals need to focus on black on black crime. They have no concern for Muslim on Muslim terrorism.

Just throw away the labels. There’s only crime and there’s only terrorism.