Earth

Flat Earth Core

Some scientists are saying the Earth’s core may have stopped spinning, or slowed down, and may even start to go in reverse. In case you’re a Republican, reverse means backward. Republicans know backward.

I’m going to lay some science down on you (yes, this is cut and paste. I don’t know this shit).

The Earth is formed of the crust, the mantle, and the inner and outer cores. The solid inner core is situated about 3,200 miles below the Earth’s crust and is separated from the semi-solid mantle by the liquid outer core, which allows the inner core to rotate at a different speed from the rotation of the Earth itself.

With a radius of almost 2,200 miles, Earth’s core is about the size of the planet Mars (which is about half the size of Earth). The Earth’s core consists mostly of iron and nickel and contains about one-third of Earth’s mass.

Yi Yang, an associate research scientist at Peking University, and Xiaodong Song, Peking University chair professor, studied seismic waves from earthquakes that have passed through the Earth’s inner core along similar paths since the 1960s to infer how fast the inner core is spinning. Wait a minute. Isn’t China where Donald Trump claims global warming was invented?

I watched “The Phantom Menace” again over the weekend (I don’t know why) and Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Jar-Jar took a shortcut in a bongo from Gungan City to Theed, the capital of Naboo, through the planet’s core. I have an issue with this. Sure, it’s science fiction, but I don’t think you can bongo your way from one ocean to another through the core of the planet. The core would be a solid mass, not liquid. At the very least, wouldn’t it be red hot magma as Dr. Evil claimed in those Austin Powers movies?

Anyway, seismic records, which previously changed over time, haven’t shown much change since 2009, when the Black Eye Peas released “My Humps.” I knew that song was bad news. This leads Dr. Yang to believe the core has either stopped or slowed down and makes him ask, “Whatcha gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?”

Back in the 1980s when Bananarama was running wild, the core was spinning just fine. Some scientists believe this is a cycle and the current spinning started in the 1970s back when Terry Jacks was singing “Seasons in the Sun.” But others believe this cycle started even earlier, like when Ray Charles did the “Mess Around.”

The most amazing thing about all of this is that Fox News also reported this story to their viewership of flat earthers. You know, the goons who believe climate change is a socialist plot, face masks don’t work, covid is a hoax, chemtrails, birds aren’t real, vaccines cause death and autism, Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election, and Fergie’s humps are not nearly as nice as the humps of Kimberly Guilfoyle.

And if the Earth’s core does indeed start to spin backward, then we’re all going to believe that stuff too, which will be great for me because I’m kinda tired of having to research and be accountable for my beliefs. Being an irresponsible right-wing cartoonist would take so much pressure off. And trust me, even the slightest research will educate you that Fergie is much nicer than Kimberly Guilfoyle if even hearing “Let’s get it Started” makes you want to hit yourself upon the head with a tack hammer.

But seriously, I’m going to have so much egg on my face if everything in this cartoon turns out to be true.

Creative note: My CNN editor suggested I do something on this subject but we didn’t go with any of the ideas I sent him on it. I wrote a version of this last Friday but rewrote it this morning (so he never saw this one).

Music note: I listened to a 90s alternative mix.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Space Litter

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It’s been a big year for missile tests by U.S. rivals. China test-fired a hypersonic missile that went around the planet. Hypersonic is Mach 5 speed. That’s fast. Russia test-fired a missile in the Arctic. And last week, Russia test-fired a missile in space. Yes, in outer space.

Kids, we spend over $700 billion a year on our military which is more than the next top-ten spending nations combined. So, why are we behind China and Russia in hypersonic missile technology? We spend nearly $4 billion a year on hypersonic missiles that don’t work. How about we spend more money on feeding poor kids and free college and less on military shit that doesn’t work? We could probably put new dog parks in every U.S. city with $4 billion. And I bet dogs would be better at intercepting Chinese missiles than Space Force. I base this on a kung pao Chicken-Beagle interception incident I experienced once.

At this point, our anti-missile missiles have as much of a chance at intercepting a hypersonic missile as Donald Trump has of returning a serve by Serena Williams.

It’s the Russian missile test in space that really has everyone’s dander flaking. Russia blew up one of their own satellites which created a lot of debris in space.

Space debris is a huge problem for spacecraft like the International space station (ISS). The United States Space Surveillance Network is tracking about 20,000 pieces of artificial objects in space. While over 2,200 of this are satellites, the rest is junk from former space missions. It includes pieces of satellites, rockets, boosters, spacecraft, other assorted particles, and even solidified liquids from orbital spacecraft. This stuff can be dangerous to the humans flying around in space, like those on the ISS. A piece of space crap can destroy solar panels, and that’s just for starters. Space junk, in addition to dubstep, may be why aliens never come here.

The over 2,200 artificial objects we are sure about are only the objects large enough to track. Space nerds estimate there are over 128 million pieces of particles orbiting Earth that are from one to ten centimeters in size. Yes, something that small can inflict heavy damage. In case you’re a Republican gun humper and you need a comparison to understand how tiny a centimeter can be, look in your pants.

After the Russians blew up their satellite, the crew of the ISS had to scramble into capsules in case they had to evacuate the station.

The ISS orbits the planet at an altitude of 260 miles. So, if the space billionaire assholes (Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Elon Musk) and their egos had been in space during the Russian missile test, they would NOT have been in any danger. Richard Branson got about 52 miles above the planet and Jeff Bezos reached 62. In case you’re a Republican, 260 is a greater amount than 52 and even 62.

This billionaire asshole space race is only to feed billionaire asshole egos, just like the Space Force was only created to placate Billionaire asshole Donald Trump’s ego and to give his racist rally attendees a new catchphrase (this was before they came up with “hang Mike Pence”). What did Space Force do to prevent the Russian missile test? It may have encouraged it.

There is an international treaty that forbids testing missiles in space. It bans nations from claiming the moon and other celestial bodies and forbids military stations in space, like the Death Star. While it doesn’t ban all military activity, creating an entire branch of your military that’s exclusively devoted to space kinda pokes the other 110 signers of the treaty in the eye. However, it’s not like Russia has respected the treaty before the creation of the Space Force. It should be noted that it was the Soviet Union that signed the treaty and not Russia.

But if Russia needs something to shoot down in space, I can think of better targets than satellites. And hey, before you get upset and believe I’m advocating killing billionaire assholes, just think of this like Paul Gosar thinks of his violent and racist anime. It’s just a cartoon.

There’s a lot of crap in space, including billionaire asshole egos.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Orbiting Moons and Asteroids

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Republican Louie Gohmert is a lunatic, but he’s not alone.

Gohmert recently caused a lot of people to laugh and mock him when he asked the nation’s forestry service if we can combat climate change by changing the orbits of the Earth and the Moon. His supporters are saying he was just joking and using it to make a point. No. He was not. He’s that stupid.

It’s like the time Donald Trump suggested we all inject disinfectants to fight the coronavirus. His supporters argue he never suggested we drink bleach but yet, the Trump’s White House said he was being “sarcastic.”

Louie Gohmert is no scientist. He’s not even a smart person. Like Donald Trump, he downplayed the coronavirus and eventually caught it. After he caught it, he blamed…wait for this…the wearing of face masks. He even banned people in his office from wearing face masks. He also endorsed Trump’s baseless claim of taking hydroxychloroquine to treat the virus and falsely claimed Germany had invented a mist that would kill it. Was he just kidding then?

Was Louie just kidding when he talked about “terror babies?” What are “terror babies?” It’s this theory Louie and others have that Muslim terrorists were impregnating women, sending them to the U.S. to have their babies, then they’d return home with the babies to raise them as terrorists. Later, the baby, all grown up now, would come to the U.S. as a citizen to commit terrorist attacks. Trust me on this: That’s a stupid plan. Kids never go into professions their parents want them to. Yeah, yeah, yeah…Dad wants me to bomb an embassy but what I really wanna do is busk “Smelly Cat” in Greenwich Village.

Maybe all those white nationalist MAGA goons storming the capitol were “terror babies.”

Louie also referred to Robert Mueller as an “anal opening,” pushed the debunked conspiracy theory that George Soros aided Nazis (when he was a child) to kill his fellow Jews and confiscate their property, endorsed the Big Lie that Trump won the election, endorsed Texas’ lawsuit against Pennsylvania to decertify their electoral votes for President Biden, and even sued Mike Pence to stop him from certifying the Electoral College.

Would it surprise you to learn that Gohmert attends a church called “Green Acres?” I am not making that up but I bet I got the theme of “Green Acres” stuck in your head. Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarm living is the life for me.

When Gohmert lost his lawsuit against Mike Pence, he said, “Basically, in effect, the ruling would be that you got to go to the streets and be as violent as Antifa and Black Lives Matter.” Louie later criticized the terrorist attack on the Capitol, I guess not realizing people would actually do what he encouraged them to do. Also, never mind that Antifa and BLM never attempted a bloody coup.

Later, Louie said most of the people involved in the attack were “nonviolent peaceful Americans whose only crimes were supporting Donald Trump.” Earlier this month, he attended a conference full of Qanon fuckos and claimed leftists were a part of the violent mob of terrorists and it wasn’t so bad because this country has had worse attacks, like that Green Acres theme. Doo-doo-da-doo-doo. Doo! Doo!

If you’re attacked by a shark, then later you’re attacked by a bear, are you going to dismiss the one you thought wasn’t as serious? Yeah, I got bit by a shark, but that bear was a real motherfucker. Someone should ask Louie who would win a fight between a shark and a bear. It will occupy him for hours.

At that same event, Louie posed for photos with someone who claimed he was a part of that mob attacking the capitol. I don’t remember Washington politicians posing for pictures with the Taliban…well, except Ronald Reagan.

As I said, Louie is a lunatic but he’s not alone. While he’s talking about changing the orbits of the Earth and the Moon, the orbits he should think about changing are those of his and fellow Republicans around Trump’s ass.

A majority of Republicans believe Donald Trump won the election. They are wrong. They have no evidence but just like with birtherism, it’s something they believe because they want to believe it.

House GOP leader Kevin McCarthy initially criticized Trump, then flew down to Mar-A-Lago to kiss his ass and apologize for rightly saying he was responsible for a terrorist attack. The party kicked Liz Cheney out of House leadership because she blamed Trump for the terrorist attack and refused to parrot the lie Trump won the election. Her replacement, Elaine Stefanik, assumed the orbital position around Trump’s ass and said he was the leader of the party. She then went to New Jersey for a photo with Trump.

Donald Trump lost the popular vote both times he ran for president. He lost the House and Senate for the party. He’s a drag nationally for Republican candidates but popular with the base. It’s not that Washington Republicans love Trump, but that they’re afraid of him. They voted against investigating the attack on the Capitol out of fear of angering Trump.

Washington Republicans are cowards, and many like Gohmert are idiots.

At least one of them acknowledged climate change is real, of course, while offering a nonsensical solution to it. Hey, it beats actually having to do anything to solve the problem, right? It was ridiculous and stupid to ask a forest service if they can change the orbits of the Earth and Moon. But, that may be more realistic and easier to do than getting Republicans like Gohmert to change their orbits around Donald Trump’s ass.

Republicans are all about the ass.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have two copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw: