Earth Core

Flat Earth Core

Some scientists are saying the Earth’s core may have stopped spinning, or slowed down, and may even start to go in reverse. In case you’re a Republican, reverse means backward. Republicans know backward.

I’m going to lay some science down on you (yes, this is cut and paste. I don’t know this shit).

The Earth is formed of the crust, the mantle, and the inner and outer cores. The solid inner core is situated about 3,200 miles below the Earth’s crust and is separated from the semi-solid mantle by the liquid outer core, which allows the inner core to rotate at a different speed from the rotation of the Earth itself.

With a radius of almost 2,200 miles, Earth’s core is about the size of the planet Mars (which is about half the size of Earth). The Earth’s core consists mostly of iron and nickel and contains about one-third of Earth’s mass.

Yi Yang, an associate research scientist at Peking University, and Xiaodong Song, Peking University chair professor, studied seismic waves from earthquakes that have passed through the Earth’s inner core along similar paths since the 1960s to infer how fast the inner core is spinning. Wait a minute. Isn’t China where Donald Trump claims global warming was invented?

I watched “The Phantom Menace” again over the weekend (I don’t know why) and Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Jar-Jar took a shortcut in a bongo from Gungan City to Theed, the capital of Naboo, through the planet’s core. I have an issue with this. Sure, it’s science fiction, but I don’t think you can bongo your way from one ocean to another through the core of the planet. The core would be a solid mass, not liquid. At the very least, wouldn’t it be red hot magma as Dr. Evil claimed in those Austin Powers movies?

Anyway, seismic records, which previously changed over time, haven’t shown much change since 2009, when the Black Eye Peas released “My Humps.” I knew that song was bad news. This leads Dr. Yang to believe the core has either stopped or slowed down and makes him ask, “Whatcha gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?”

Back in the 1980s when Bananarama was running wild, the core was spinning just fine. Some scientists believe this is a cycle and the current spinning started in the 1970s back when Terry Jacks was singing “Seasons in the Sun.” But others believe this cycle started even earlier, like when Ray Charles did the “Mess Around.”

The most amazing thing about all of this is that Fox News also reported this story to their viewership of flat earthers. You know, the goons who believe climate change is a socialist plot, face masks don’t work, covid is a hoax, chemtrails, birds aren’t real, vaccines cause death and autism, Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election, and Fergie’s humps are not nearly as nice as the humps of Kimberly Guilfoyle.

And if the Earth’s core does indeed start to spin backward, then we’re all going to believe that stuff too, which will be great for me because I’m kinda tired of having to research and be accountable for my beliefs. Being an irresponsible right-wing cartoonist would take so much pressure off. And trust me, even the slightest research will educate you that Fergie is much nicer than Kimberly Guilfoyle if even hearing “Let’s get it Started” makes you want to hit yourself upon the head with a tack hammer.

But seriously, I’m going to have so much egg on my face if everything in this cartoon turns out to be true.

Creative note: My CNN editor suggested I do something on this subject but we didn’t go with any of the ideas I sent him on it. I wrote a version of this last Friday but rewrote it this morning (so he never saw this one).

Music note: I listened to a 90s alternative mix.

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