Doral

Caddy Hacks


Saudi Arabia is attempting to repair its reputation with the world after decades of bloody human rights violations. The future king of the nation, Mohammed bin Salman, is directly responsible for the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, a Saudi national who was a journalist for The Washington Post and under U.S. protection. So, what’s the best way for a nation with decades of human rights violations to make friends with the rest of the planet again? Stop abusing human rights? Of course not. No, the best way is to engage in sports. Saudi Arabia is “sportwashing” its reputation.

The oil-rich kingdom has bought an English Premier League soccer team, Newcastle United. They built a new race track in Jeddah and now have the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix, a Formula One racing event. World Wrestling Entertainment has been holding pay-per-view events in Saudi Arabia, even allowing the kingdom to decide if women can perform and if they do, how they dress. And, now the kingdom has golf.

A lot of people are upset over Saudi Arabia becoming involved in international sports. Mostly, they’re upset that so many people have a price to look away from human rights violations. The PGA is very upset over the new golf league, though their anger is probably less about human rights and more about competition.

The PGA has banned golfers who choose to play for LIV. That didn’t stop golf legend Greg Norman from becoming LIV’s CEO.

Another golf legend, Phil Mickelson, criticized Saudi Arabia’s human rights record and called the Saudis “scary motherfuckers to be involved with.” They are so scary that it takes about $200 million to get over that fear. That’s the reported contract Mickelson signed to join LIV golf.

Mickelson said, “I don’t condone human rights violations. I don’t know how else I can be any more clear.” Ooh, ooh, ooh…I know! You could be more clear that you don’t condone human rights violations by NOT taking blood money from Saudi Arabia. But maybe I just don’t understand golf.

Even though I don’t understand golf that well, I do understand that you don’t go into business with people who take a bone saw and dismember their critics. I try not to go into business with scary motherfuckers. I have the same policy of not going into business with Trumpers. I’m still owed over $2,000 the last time I did that (though I went into that agreement not realizing they were MAGAts).

It’s no surprise that Vince McMahon, the founder of the WWE and creator of Wrestlemania has a price to overlook human rights violations. I mean, this guy has been making billions for decades in an industry that sends his performers to early graves. Seriously, wrestlers have a habit of dying before 60. And it’s no surprise that Donald Trump has a price to ignore human rights violations. He displayed that when he was gooning up the White House and hosted MBS in the Oval Office. And since the PGA does have somewhat of a conscience and has pulled out of holding tournaments at Trump’s crappy golf resorts over his racism and insurrections, he has no problem taking LIV’s blood money to host a tournament at Doral.

You’re probably familiar with Trump National Doral in Miami by its catchphrase, “Ask us about our bedbugs.” That resort has been in financial decline for years. In 2019, it was reported that its operating income had fallen by 69 percent. Being the grifter he is, Trump tried to host the G7 Summit at Doral. Trump’s name is about as enticing as the opportunity to sleep with bedbugs.

Grifting runs in the family. After four years of making excuses for Saudi Arabia’s murders and helping them procure arms deals with the U.S, Jared Kushner has been given $2 billion as an “investment” from the Saudis. Now, his wife’s father gets his kickback from the Saudi government.

Normally, the only way Trump can pump cash into Doral is by holding campaign events, funded by the Trump Campaign, which is funded by his supporters. Before you label Trump as a genius grifter, keep in mind that the people he’s grifting are morons. Doral is also the home for the $10,000 portrait of Trump he bought for himself with money from the Trump charity.

How much is Trump being paid by MBS to host one of their crappy golf tournaments at Club Itchy-n-Scratchy (I bet you a MyPillow none of the Saudi royals actually spend the night at Doral)? I don’t know yet but don’t make a mistake about it. This is a bribe. And, it’s a legal bribe. The Saudi monarchs are paying Trump off for all he did for them while he was president (sic). His first foreign trip as “president” was to Saudi Arabia. Remember the sword dance and Trump with and the royals next to the creepy glowing globe?

Saudi money goes a long way. You saw how easy it was for Phil Mickelson to go from “scary mothers” to “pay me.” Now even President Biden, pressured by oil prices, has gone from promising to make Saudi Arabia a pariah to planning a visit to the nation where he’ll probably sit down for a chat with Captain Bonesaw himself, Mohammed bin Salman.

Don’t expect Saudi Arabia to comply with basic human rights any time soon.

Music Note: This one took a while to draw so I had time to listen to music. I listened to a lot of Foo Fighters because I discovered their B-sides and demos, which I haven’t listened to in about two decades because they’ve been hard to find, are now on Apple Music.

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Trump Bedbugs


cjones09052019

When I heard the United States is going to host the G7 Summit in 2020, the first thing I thought was, “that fucker’s gonna try to have it at one of his shitty golf clubs.” I’m sure most journalists in the country thought the same thing so I shouldn’t receive any huge plaudits for my prognostication skills. Grifters are gonna grift. That’s exactly what our Grifter-in-Chief has set out to do. Con the G7 and in the process, spread the Trumpfestation.

Donald Trump is a conman. It’s all he is. His entire business is a con. He was born and bred to con, with his father giving him an annual allowance of $200,000 a year by age three in what was probably just one of many tax scams the family concocted.

As a candidate, he conned his supporters. As the nominee, he conned the Republican National Committee, charging them for campaign space in Trump Tower after raising the rent. Later he started conning the U.S. government, charging the Secret Service rent at Trump Tower, once again, after raising the rent.

Donald Trump promised he would separate himself from his businesses. Instead of selling or putting everything into a blind trust, he turned it over to be managed by his two idiot sons. As president, he’s name-dropped his property over 70 times. He’s averaging two weekly visits to his properties as president. When he stays at one of his properties, we have to pay for him to do so. We have to pay for government services, rooms and feeding government personnel, and even golf cart rentals so the Secret Service can follow Trump while he cheats at golf. We probably even pay for Trump to stay in his own bedroom.

Trump has hosted the leaders of Japan and China at his Mar-a-Lago, thus earning money from those two governments. If nations have business with the United States, first they have to do business with Donald Trump.

Trump claims he’s going to lose $3-$5 billion as president, which is a lie because he’s not worth that. He will not disclose his tax returns so we can’t see how much he’s really milking the government or to whom he’s indebted.

A friend of mine who is a retired cartoonist and a conservative, made a post on social media this week that the good thing about Trump is that since he’s a billionaire, he can’t be bought. Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how to virtually slap someone on the back of the head.

When someone has $3 billion (maybe) but claims they have ten, they can be bought. When Saudis are renting rooms they’re not staying in from the guy, he can be bought. When his attorney general, the same one defending him in an emoluments lawsuit (I can’t make this up anymore) is spending $30,000 for a party at Trump’s hotel, he can be bought. When a cabinet member tries to purchase a mattress from the same hotel, Trump can be bought.

And of course, Trump wants to host the G7 at one of his crappy golf resorts. He’s aiming to host it at his underperforming Doral resort in Miami to bilk at least six foreign governments. Trump claims it’s great because it’s near an airport. Obviously, no one else in this country ever thought of building hotels and convention centers near airports before. There’s probably also a McDonald’s nearby which I’m sure will be a factor and seriously bad news for the world leaders attending. I hope they like Big Macs and burnt steaks with ketchup. Those might be the least of their problems because Doral is infested.

Donald Trump is having a hissy fit on Twitter because it was reported that someone sued him for being ravaged by bedbugs while sleeping at Doral. Trump tweeted that it was an attack by “radical left Democrats” and it was just a “false and nasty rumor.” Honestly, I’m shocked he hasn’t accused Obama of planting the bedbugs while bugging Trump Tower.

But, despite the club not having bedbugs, Trump settled the lawsuit with the man the bedbugs used as a buffet. What also leads me to believe Doral is currently infested with bedbugs is the fact Donald Trump said it’s not infested with bedbugs.

Doral isn’t the only thing of Trump’s that’s infested. The man destroys everything he touches. At this very moment, some poor French guy is probably burning the sheets Trump slept on at the G7 last weekend. It’s a Trumpfestation. No wonder Melania sleeps in a separate bedroom (probably under a poster of Justin Trudeau).

The Trumpfestation is everywhere from the White House to the State Department to the Justice Department to each of his crappy golf clubs. I just hope the White House is fumigated after Trump is finally kicked out or we may have to do what Indonesia’s doing right now, which is moving their capital to Borneo. I think we should move Trump to Borneo.

It’s as if Trump is personally challenged to make everything as horrible as possible. He goes to the G7 and spends the first night operating as Vladimir Putin’s personal lobbyist. Now, he wants to entertain the world’s leaders at a bedbug-infested motel hell. They should take a tip from the Saudis and rent the rooms and stay somewhere else.

I’m asked all the time about what I’ll do with my cartoons after Trump leaves office. I’m not going to have a problem with that because we’re still going to be having problems. The Trumpfestation will be ravaging our nation for years.

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