Demon sperm

A Mythical A.G.


cjones08012020

The thing that annoys me most about Republicans who have joined the Trump cult is they don’t have principles. They’re all about reduced government spending until Donald Trump runs up the national debt. They’re all about patriotism until Donald Trump insults veterans and allows Putin to place bounties on soldiers’ lives. They used to be about family values until Mr. five-kids-with-three-wives-pussy-grabber came along. They can’t find a principled position to take a stand on. Today, the sycophantic Qanon conspiracy theorists for Trump warns us all about the deep state lizard people, but if Donald Trump appointed a few lizard people to his administration, they’d all be like, “Thank you, President (sic) Trump, for the lizard people.”

And who says Donald Trump hasn’t appointed lizard people? They were all about draining the swamp but didn’t protest against him appointing campaign contributors to ambassadorships. They didn’t protest his cabinet members gifting themselves at our expense. They don’t protest Trump enriching himself on our dime. They don’t protest foreign diplomats staying at Trump hotels. They don’t protest Trump charging the Secret Service for golf cart rentals. Hell, they were even against a president playing golf until Donald Trump spent over $300 million of our money on his golf trips.

Maybe Donald Trump’s deep state lizard person is Attorney General William Barr. Trump sycophants worry about fictional corruption, like Hillary Clinton personally selling our uranium supply to Russia, but they ignore the Attorney General being Donald Trump’s personal goon who has transformed the Justice Department into the Donald Trump Personal Protection and Racketeering Agency.

While testifying before Congress and declaring he wasn’t Donald Trump’s personal poodle installed only to be his Roy Cohn, William Barr repeated several bullshit Trumpian talking points.

William Barr used the Donald Trump talking point that cops kill more white people than black people. There are more white people in the nation than black people. Statistically, cops kill more blacks. William Barr went to college. He has a law degree. He’s smart enough to know the talking point he crapped out of his mouth was pure and total grade-A racist bullshit.

Barr claimed President Obama spied on Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign. No, Obama did not. The FBI tracked a couple of suspected Russian spies who worked for the Trump campaign. That is not spying. If tracking on suspected Russian spies was spying on the Trump campaign, then what does that make the Trump campaign? It’s hard to say you’re not Trump’s personal attorney when your Justice Department, like Donald Trump, is more concerned about the well being of Russian spies than about the people investigating said spies.

William Barr repeated Donald Trump’s accusation that President Obama didn’t restock the nation’s stockpile of PPE, ignoring the fact Donald Trump has been president for over three years. After spending three years staring at your own empty closet, you can’t blame its emptiness on the guy who owned it before you. Again, it’s been three years. Are the salt shakers empty in the White House cafeteria? Are you going to blame Obama for that?

William Barr carried out Trump’s talking point that all Black Lives Matter protesters are violent which is why unidentified secret police are needed to invade American cities and teargas and hit Vietnam veterans and mothers over the heads with billy clubs.

William Barr repeated Trump’s claim he had “no responsibility” for testing failures which extend to Trump having no fault for the lack of any national plan to confront the virus or any blame for the death of over 150,000 Americans.

William Barr carried on the Trump talking point that mail-in voting was ripe for voter fraud…despite the fact he and Trump have both voted through that method.

Barr claimed the clearing of protesters with tear gas and goons on horses in front of the White House and Trump’s visit minutes later through the clearing to visit St. John’s church on June 1 were totally unrelated.

Finally, William Barr said “Antifa” about 98 times during the hearing. Here’s a fact for you: There is no such organization called “Antifa.”

Quite frankly, I’m shocked William Barr didn’t make a pitch to host the G7 at Doral and the British Open at Trump Turdberry.

William Barr can’t defend himself.  The only legal cases he’s personally interjected himself into are those that concern Donald Trump’s goons.

He’s fired U.S. Attorneys investigating Donald Trump’s friends. He overruled his own department’s prosecutors and has asked a court to drop all charges against Michael Flynn (who’s probably a Russian spy). He recommended a sentence reduction for Trump goon Roger Stone before Donald Trump commuted his sentence.

During the hearing, Representative Eric Swalwell reminded Barr that during his confirmation, he said it would be a crime for a president to issue a pardon in exchange for the recipient’s promise to not incriminate him. When asked why he wasn’t investigating Donald Trump for issuing a commutation of his personal goon Roger Stone’s prison sentence, which was granted after Stone didn’t turn on Trump and even bragged that he lied to protect Donald Trump, William fucking Barr said, “Why should I?”. Because you’re the fucking Attorney General, asshole, and Roger Stone told you explicitly he broke the law to protect Donald Trump who then saved him from going to prison.

It was pointed out Barr has never personally intervened in a case involving someone who’s not a Trump goon. He’s never sought to throw out a sentence or have one reduced for anyone who’s not a GOT, Goon of Trump’s. He also pleaded ignorance to knowing any details about why Michael Cohen was sent back to prison for refusing to agree not to talk to the media or write a book on Donald Trump.

William Barr is a Trump goon. He also denied systemic racism exists in America’s police departments. How about the Justice Department? Representative Cedric Richmond pointed out that when Barr came to the hearing, he brought his top staff which didn’t include any black people. Richmond pointed out that’s systemic racism. At the start of the hearing, Barr paid his respects to civil rights icon John Lewis. Richmond told Barr, “You really should keep the name of the Honorable John Lewis out of the Department of Justice’s mouth.” Later, Senator Kamala Harris said, “Bill Barr hasn’t lifted a finger as Attorney General to protect voting rights in America. He has no business speaking John Lewis’s name.”

Even when he was asked if it would be “appropriate for a president to solicit assistance” from a foreign government during an election,” Barr said, “It depends on what kind of assistance” before backtracking and saying no. You know what kind of assistance. The illegal kind. That’s the only kind of foreign assistance to a presidential campaign. I’m not even a lawyer and I know that. Another thing I know that the Attorney General of the United Freaking States doesn’t is that a president canNOT move an election date.

It’s hard to declare your independence from Donald Trump when you repeat Donald Trump’s lying talking points and act as his fat human shield. William Barr is a liar and a Trump goon. He’s as corrupt as Donald Trump.

Quite frankly, we’d be safer with the lizard people.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

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New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

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Dr. Demon Sperm


cjones07312020

Yesterday, during his bogus coronavirus hearings that are actually replacements for his hater rallies, Donald Trump wondered out loud why Dr. Anthony Fauci is more popular than he is. For his answer, maybe he should consult with Dr. Demon Sperm.

Donald Trump pointed out they’re a part of the same team and administration, yet Fauci has better ratings. For starters, they’re a part of the same team but Donald Trump didn’t hire Dr. Fauci. Ronald Reagan did. And despite being part of the same team, Donald Trump has engaged and engineered a smear campaign against the good doctor. As to why their approvals are in different places, Fauci has been honest and direct with Americans. In contrast, Donald Trump ignored the virus, downplayed it, politicized it, and spread lies while it has killed nearly 150,000 Americans and ruined the economy. And finally, a great reason Donald Trump’s numbers are so low when it comes to handling the virus, he’s ignored the very accomplished doctor on his team and has relied on the junk science of conspiracy theorists and loons who are seriously fucked in the head. Yes, that’s a medical term for this blog, “seriously fucked in the head.”

After seeing Donald Trump’s choice for his personal physician, nobody anywhere ever ever ever should listen to him ramble incoherently about anything that has to do with health and medicine (or anything else for that matter). The man actually believes human bodies are like batteries, with energy that doesn’t replenish, and we waste it on exercise. And now, he’s telling Americans to follow the medical advice from Dr. Demon Sperm. What?

Donald Trump retweeted a video of Dr. Stella Immanuel, a Houston doctor from Nigeria who was part of the “White Coat Summit,” a gathering of a few doctors who call themselves America’s Frontline Doctors and dispute the medical consensus on the coronavirus. She and the other doctors gave testimonials on the steps of the Supreme Court in an event organized by the group Tea Party Patriots, funded by wealthy right-wing assholes.

A video of the event went viral as the doctor pushed the drug hydroxychloroquine and claimed people don’t need to wear face masks and that a cure for the coronavirus has been found.

“Nobody needs to get sick,” Immanuel said. “This virus has a cure.” Then she said, “Hello, you don’t need a mask. There is a cure.” Hello? Are you seriously fucked in the head? Yes. Yes, she is.

The video, captured by Breitbart, gained over 13 million views and was shared by Donald Trump and his idiot son number 1, Donald Trump Jr. Later, the video was removed from YouTube and Twitter for pushing junk science. A conservative political cartoonist I know shared the video while declaring them “real doctors,” only to discover it was removed and replaced with a tag saying, “False information.”

Despite being pushed by the Trumps, the conservative student group of idiots, Turning Point, and those pro-Trump medical luminaries (that’s sarcasm) Diamond & Silk, hydroxychloroquine doesn’t help fight the coronavirus. Studies have failed to find proof the drug has any benefit in treating the virus and the Food and Drug Administration revoked its emergency authorization to use it to treat it, saying it hadn’t demonstrated any effect on patients’ mortality prospects.

But, hydroxychloroquine isn’t the craziest shit the Houston doctor is pushing. From her medical office in a strip mall, she’s selling the belief scientists have created a vaccine that prevents people from being religious, the government is run by lizard people, and women have gynecological problems after dreaming they had sex with demons and witches.

She also claims she’s cured over 300 people of the coronavirus without providing any proof…and wait…let’s go back to this demon booty stuff.

Dr. Immanuel has posted videos on YouTube of her sermons where she claims medical issues like endometriosis, cysts, infertility, and impotence are caused by sex with “spirit husbands” and “spirit wives” by having sex with them in your dreams.

She says the sex demons are, “responsible for serious gynecological problems. We call them all kinds of names, endometriosis, we call them molar pregnancies, we call them fibroids, we call them cysts, but most of them are evil deposits from the spirit husband. They are responsible for miscarriages, impotence, men that can’t get it up.” Damn demons.

Now that she’s found the source of impotence, congressional Republicans will push to fund a study on how to purge our nation of these buzz-killing sex demons.

The doctor also claims ailments other than those in the hoo-ha stem from “demonic sperm,” such as financial ruin. It may also lead to one having her license to practice medicine taken away. Demonic sperm is like sand. It gets everywhere.

When asked yesterday about the doctor and her “medical” theories, Donald Trump said she was very “impressive” and “spectacular.” And then that “maybe” the doctor pushing those theories was her or it wasn’t. Then he ran from the room as the next question was being asked.

Donald, it was she. There’s no maybe about it. The real scientific phenomenon here is that we can’t convince 60 million people not to vote for the guy endorsing Dr. Demon Sperm.

The videos were removed from most social media, and Twitter even temporarily suspended Donald Trump Jr’s account. Removing the videos pissed Dr. Stella Immanuel off.

She tweeted yesterday, “Hello Facebook put back my profile page and videos up or your computers with start crashing till you do. You are not bigger that God. I promise you. If my page is not back up face book will be down in Jesus name.”

The last I checked, Jesus has not shut down Facebook. neither have the witches, lizard people, or the demon sperm.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.