Civil War

Impeachment Civil War


Donald Trump is losing his mind. He’s screaming at reporters, embarrassing us in front of visiting foreign leaders, lying, spreading conspiracy theories, encouraging his supporters to engage in violence, and promising not to accomplish anything with Congress (like you were totally expecting action on gun violence). OK, that sounds like a typical Wednesday for Trump, but the stress is still showing.

Trump has been on edge more than usual lately. Wednesday was filled with rage tweets and unhinged press meetings. The impeachment inquiry over his dirty dealings with Ukraine and abusing his office by withholding foreign aid unless that nation helps him destroy a political rival is unraveling Donald Trump.

He has accused House Intel Chairman Adam Schiff of “fraudulently fabricating a statement of the President of the United States,” and of committing treason. It’s a good thing for Trump that lying to the public isn’t treason or even illegal (his boy Corey Lewandowski brags about it). He also said Schiff should resign and that “he’s sick.” He ranted to the press that “Shifty Schiff” couldn’t carry Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s “blank” strap. He said, “I won’t say it because they’ll say it was terrible to say. But that guy couldn’t carry his ‘blank’ strap.” Donald Trump wouldn’t say it because he believes “jockstrap” is a dirty word, but he tweeted out “bullshit.” Trump also misses that “couldn’t carry his jockstrap” is a term normally used in sports, and doesn’t fit in this context unless Mike Pompeo is required to wear an actual jockstrap (which I trust no one wants to carry).

Trump screamed that the “transcript” of his call with Ukraine’s president was “exact” and “word-for-word,” it wasn’t. It was a summary with a warning at the top that it was NOT a “transcript” meaning it’s not “exact” or “word-for-word.” In fact, it’s estimated that the summary only covers ten minutes of a 30-minute phone conversation.

Holding an article that actually was in The Times reporting Schiff learned about the outlines of the whistleblower’s concerns days before the complaint was filed, Trump said that was a scandal and Schiff “probably helped write it.” Never mind the fact that the White House also knew of the complaint and tried to bury it before it was filed. Afterward, he again called himself a “very stable genius.”

He rage tweeted at The Washington Post for reporting that he wanted a “moot” filled with snakes and alligators at the border wall (it was actually The New York Times that reported the story). Everyone assumes he meant “moat.”

He cried about the stock market being driven down because of impeachment talk, and that being exactly what the “Democrats want to do.” He tweeted, “They are willing to hurt the Country, with only the 2020 Election in mind.” On that subject, the S&P 500 gained 27% between Clinton’s impeachment inquiry and his acquittal. The stock market did drop during Nixon’s Watergate drama, but stocks were in a bear market, the nation was in a recession, and in an oil crisis.

Trump retweeted a meme inaccurately showing the counties he won reading, “Impeach this.” He even sent out an inaccurate tweet of the 2016 electoral score (it seems like he’d know since he was there). He’s argued his electoral victory is too big for him to be impeached and other Republicans have accused the Democrats of overturning an election. They forget that the election they’re overturning was won with help from Russian interference, Trump didn’t win the popular vote, and that Nixon was facing impeachment after an electoral victory much larger than Trump’s (Trump won 304 electoral votes. Nixon won 520. In case you’re a Republican, 520 is greater than 304). It doesn’t matter if it’s geographical, weather, or electoral, or a placemat you color in at Bob’s Big Boy, Trump is really bad with maps.

At a press conference with Finnish President Sauli Niinistö, Trump berated and bullied Reuters reporter Jeff Mason for asking what he hoped Ukraine’s president would do about Joe and Hunter Biden. Trump did a DeNiro and screamed, “Are you talking to me? Listen…We have the president of Finland. Ask him a question. Trump said the reporter was being rude for not asking the Finnish president a question, but when he did, Trump interrupted and answered for him. I think Mason should have said, “OK then. President Niinistö, what do you think Trump wanted Ukraine’s president to do about Joe and Hunter Biden?”

While screaming at Mason, Trump said the impeachment was based on a hoax, the media was “playing into the hoax,” called the press “fake news” and in “many cases, the corrupt media.”

Trump has demanded to interview the whistleblower saying he deserves to confront his accuser (he doesn’t). He’s accused the whistleblower of being a “partisan hack” and of committing treason along with those in the White House who have helped him. He has insinuated the whistleblower and those who have helped him should be put to death. He’s warned of a Civil War if he’s impeached.

Donald Trump doesn’t care if the nation burns if it saves his hide, or at least gets him good ratings. He’s never shown more concern for anything over himself. If he riles up Nazis, Klansmen, Fox News hosts, and MAGA-hat wearing gun nuts, so be it.

Finland’s president was asked by a Finnish reporter, not about raking leaves to prevent forest fires, but if he could detail what kind of favors Trump had asked him. As reports are coming in that Trump has asked leaders of Ukraine, Australia, Italy, and now England, to work as opposition researchers for his 2020 campaign, it was a fair question. A question Trump interrupted by rambling about how he’s been praised by Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.

The Helsinki Times (in case you’re a Republican, Helsinki is the capital of Finland), published an article this morning with the headline, “Did Trump tweet throughout his entire meeting with Niinistö.” It’s a fair question since Trump tweeted ten times about impeachment during the two hours when he was meeting with Niinistö. For Niinistö’s sake, I hope the meeting wasn’t in the bathroom since the tweets were indicative of his poop tweets. That guy will never come back to America.

President Niinistö enjoyed visiting many sites while in Washington. Perhaps he got to see the U.S. Constitution, Lincoln’s stovepipe hat, or Mike Pompeo’s jockstrap. At the press conference, Niinistö may have even enjoyed throwing a little shade at Trump during his opening statement. He said, “Mr. President (sic), you have a great democracy. Keep it going on.” Unfortunately, Donald Trump is too slow to detect this sort of burn. He’ll notice it Sunday.

But about Niinistö’s statement on our democracy; there really is only one way to keep our democracy “going on.” Since Trump has delusions of being an authoritarian leader, attacks the rule of law constantly, is recruiting foreign nations to help his 2020 campaign after one helped his in 2016 (and Vladimir Putin “joked” about helping again in 2020 yesterday), and is encouraging his supporters to start a “civil war” if he’s impeached, the only way to keep it going on is to impeach Trump.

Let’s keep it going on.

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General Papa John Kelly


It seems so long ago that we had high hopes for General John Kelly and the influence he would command in the Oval Office.

The first publicly-known term for Kelly to take the job as the Chief-of-Staff was for Trump to get rid of Anthony Scaramucci. It gave us the impression he wouldn’t tolerate any nonsense, and when Scaramucci was fired we believed he had considerable influence on Donald Trump.

There were reports Kelly was running a tight ship. Staffers couldn’t just pop into the Oval Office anymore to share with the president the latest conspiracy theory they gleaned off InfoWars. People, even Jared and Ivanka, would need an appointment to meet with the president. Trump would also become more presidential, and we’d see fewer tweets from the First Toilet.

We all felt Kelly took the job out of an obligation to save the world from Trump. He would spare us from a nuclear Armageddon over an insult from North Korea, like “dotard.”

With General Kelly at the helm, we could sleep at nights.

Then, Trump said there were good people marching with Nazis. As the stupidity spilled from Trump’s mouth, Kelly was looking down at his shoes as though he was in serious anguish over the racist comments. We thought he was wondering what he “signed up for,” and how he could repair the problem in the White House.

As Trump spoke at the United Nations and referred to Kim Jong Un as “Little Rocket Man” and threatened to destroy him, Kelly sat in his chair nearly putting his head between his knees. We all assumed he was recoiling from the immature rant on an international stage. As it turns out, he was probably just suffering from dining on 7-11 breakfast burritos, and he was bargaining with God for the consequences to happen at any time, but not at that time.

Hope in Kelly started to dim as the tweets continued. Where was Kelly’s influence of being calm, reasonable, or at the very least, not acting like a man-baby with a full diaper?

Then, Kelly attacked a black Democratic Congresswoman. He accused her of politicizing the death of a slain soldier, even though Donald Trump had started it and even brought the death of the General’s son into the discussion. Kelly didn’t take down Trump’s lie that he’s the only president who ever called Gold Star families.

Kelly then told a lie about the congresswoman and called her an “empty barrel.” After footage of the event in question proved Kelly was a liar, the White House Spokesgoon, Sarah Huckabee Sanders told us that we shouldn’t “debate a four-star general.” To make matters worse, Kelly never apologized for using a racist insult, or for lying.

This week, Kelly defended white-people heritage by saying Robert E. Lee was an honorable man. He told us the Civil War was started by a “lack of ability to compromise,” ignoring the fact the root cause of the war was slavery. Duh!!! He claimed that people were more loyal to states than country back in the 1860s.

By now, the general’s credibility is on the same level as Papa John.

Papa John, the man who started a pizza company in a closet and now lives in a Kentucky castle told us that the anthem protests in the NFL are responsible for his decreased profits. Papa likes to say “better ingredients. Better pizza,” but what he’s really about is bigger bullshit.

John Schnatter, the CEO and founder of Papa John’s lost $70 million within hours after releasing its third-quarter financial report on Tuesday afternoon. After the report’s estimates on earnings and revenue hit Wall Street, the stock dropped 11% by 12:30 PM the next day.

Schnatter has criticized Obamacare in the past and used it to deny hours to his employees. He’s hosted fundraisers and contributed to the presidential campaigns of Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. Schnatter is becoming a hero to the far-right, the alt-right, the alt-white, and conservative goons in general. His pizza is probably now the favorite pizza for creepy icky people.

Thus, proving Republicans can swallow all sorts of disgusting bullshit.

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