Chuck Schumer

A Senate Upchuck


cjones01242018

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer looked Mitch McConnell in the eye, and he blinked. Despite having public support behind him, agreeing with his stance on DACA and blaming the GOP for the shutdown, Schumer caved.

Did Trump, the master of the Art of the Deal, out negotiate Schumer? No. Though the White House will claim victory and give credit to Trump, he sat on the sidelines. His only contribution was submitting confusion, releasing a commercial blaming Democrats for murders committed by illegal immigrants, and creating an outgoing voicemail from the White House insulting Democrats. But, for the most part, the GOP put Grandpa Trump in a corner. Trump had as much input into these negotiations as he did formulating the Eagle’s offensive game plan against the Vikings.

The reason the GOP won this showdown is that Chuck trusts Mitch. Schumer believes McConnell’s promise that he’ll bring a vote on DACA by February 17. This rosy scenario leaves Dreamers with many options, like, do I allow myself to be deported to a strange nation or do I find a place to hide from ICE agents?

This is the same Mitch McConnell who refused to bring a vote or a hearing on Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland. This is the same Mitch McConnell who promised Senator Susan Collins that Republicans would extend the Obamacare subsidies in exchange for her vote on the tax cut. This is the same Mitch McConnell who got Senator Jeff Flake’s vote on the tax cut bill in exchange for action on DACA, which is where we are today.

The Republicans claim they’re not holding Dreamers hostage, yet they held back on funding CHIP (Children’s health insurance) until they could use it as a pawn in this budget battle.

Schumer made a deal with a slimy turtle man without securing any guarantees from the House of Representatives, which is inhabited by immigrant-hating xenophobic white nationalists. Within hours of ending the shutdown, McConnell was referring to the Dreamers as “illegals.” Senators John Kennedy of Louisiana said the only way they’ll get a vote on DACA is if it’s tied to other immigration issues, like chain migration, the immigration lottery system, more security for our border, including funding for Trump’s border wall.

These people have betrayed their base with the lie that Mexico will pay for the wall. What makes Schumer think they’ll keep a promise to him?

And of course, you can’t trust Donald Trump. This guy made promises during negotiations only to back out of them later.

It seemed Trump adviser Stephen Miller was the only survivor from Trump’s creepy coalition of white nationalist xenophobes after the departures of Steve Bannon (for pissing everybody off) and Sebastian Gorka (who never got a security clearance and is a fugitive wanted in Hungary). Now it seems Miller has company as Chief of Staff John Kelly has turned out to be an immigrant hater. These two guys are formulating Trump’s America First policy, and they’re not open-minded toward allowing the 800,000 DACA recipients to stay in this nation.

There will be another budget showdown in two weeks. Kennedy has stated it will have to be resolved before they even talk about DACA. That means they will continue to hold it hostage, and if there is a vote, it won’t be a clean bill. Other immigration issues will have to be tied into it. Why? Because these guys are lying bastards.

Elected Republicans profess concern for DACA. Trump said he wants a “bill of love” to settle the situation. This is the same guy who has put the gun to the Dreamers’ foreheads. If you scroll through social media and read feeds from conservative voters, you’ll see that they refer to Dreamers as “illegals” (they’re not), and they would prefer they’re all kicked out of the nation. And, when they do vote on DACA, most of these Republicans are going to vote no.

Chuck Schumer has good intentions, but he’s a fool to trust Republicans. We already know Trump is a liar and a conman. McConnell will make promises he never intends to keep. Paul Ryan, who has to placate the most extreme of the far right in his caucus, isn’t even in on this deal. At the top of all this is the White House. Schumer may have put the future of Dreamers in the hands of Stephen Baby Goebbels Miller.

Leaving Dreamers with Stephen Miller is a dumber idea than hiring Michael Myers as your babysitter on Halloween. It’s not going to end well.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

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Kickin’ It With Chuck And Nancy


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To help set the proper mood, THIS is the music for the first panel, and THIS is the music for the second.

An expression I’m sick and tired of is “nothing burger.” It’s popular with conservatives, who also love “fake news.” Both terms are often used together, as in “this Russian collusion story is a nothing burger and fake news.” Leave it to Republicans to muck up their metaphors since neither can actually exist. Technically, if it’s fake then it’s not news, and if there’s nothing on that burger then how can it be a burger? You can’t give me two slices of bread and tell me that’s a sandwich.

When someone describes something as a “nothing burger,” that just means there’s a lot of shit on that burger. Or, when they say “fake news,” you might wanna check to make sure we’re not at Defcon Five. It’s kinda like when George W. Bush said the Keystone Pipeline was a “no brainer,” when it was actually something that you might want to apply some brains to….or Donald Trump’s use of “believe me” is his way of saying “I’m lying my ass off and I should probably go to prison for this shit.”

The great deal maker that is Donald Trump totally caved into Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. He did it on his own turf, the Oval Office, and in front of Majority Leaders Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell. I think Anthony Scaramucci must have left his “front-stabbing” knife in the White House because Trump took it and cut Ryan and McConnell’s guts out.

But you know, maybe if you had to choose between making a deal with Democrats or guys who look like Eddie Munster and a turtle, you’d deal with the Democrats too.

Trump’s deal with Chuck and Nancy was to kick the can of the debt ceiling down the road for three months which will keep the government running and to provide disaster relief for the hurricanes. While Republicans are howling in protest, it might be the first smart thing Trump has done and is in the best interest of the country.

Why? For starters, Democrats round up their votes. Republicans are herding cats. Really stupid cats. The other reason it was a smart deal is that over 100 Republicans voted against disaster relief…including several from Texas and Florida. I told you them cats be stupid. They also have back-stabbing knives they use on their constituents.

Republicans are surprised that Trump sold them out. It’s kinda like being surprised that Donald Trump is a Nazi-hugging bigot after he just spent the last two years attacking Mexicans, Muslims, women, transgenders, etc.

The guy who had to eat the most poo was Paul Ryan. Mitch McConnell has been eating it for a while. But, Ryan really had to master some spin on this deal. Before the deal was made Ryan described the Democrats’ proposal as “ridiculous.” The day after he was spinning it as Trump wanting a “bipartisan response and not a food fight on the timing of the debt limit.” Paul, there is a food fight but it’s not food your party is throwing.

Paul Ryan had a reputation for being intelligent, and he was known as a policy wonk. Now he’s coming off like that kid you knew in high school who required seven attempts to get his learners permit. Ryan’s driving into trees and snow banks.

Every Republican exposed their backside to Trump’s treachery when they got in bed with him, and they’re all dumbasses, but Ryan was supposed to be the smart one. Since Ryan can’t legislate or lead his party then he’s no different or better than say, a Mitch McConnell. Mitch can’t accomplish shit either. How’s that Obamacare repeal working out? Are you tired of winning yet?

Trump wanted to win, and to win he had to play with Democrats. Maybe he is learning on the job. Making deals with the opposition party worked for Reagan, Clinton, Bush I, and Bush II. The Republicans problem is that they’re just not as smart as the Democrats…and that’s not exactly a high bar for comparison.

Now if only Republicans could be as upset about Trump’s collusion with Putin as they are for his dancing with Chuck and Nancy.

Creative notes: I had to Google some weird stuff for this cartoon. I’m not alone in this house and I had my door open so cats could run in and out and not sit outside my shut door meowing to come in. So, I was afraid someone would walk by or visit just as I was looking up outfits for Vladimir and Trump. There are two ladies in this house and I’m not sure they’d buy the “researching for work” excuse.

Another concern was “boogers” and “cat poop.” I know some editors are skittish and that could kill this cartoon, but then I realized, if they get past the feather duster then I probably don’t have to worry about the boogers or cat poop.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Trainwreck


cjones08092015

New York Senator Chuck Schumer is going to vote against Obama’s deal with Iran. That’s a blow for Obama as Schumer is highly respected, may be the next Majority Leader, and is the highest ranking Jew in the Senate. It also hurts that he’s a Democrat. Ouch, Obama.

There’s talk about punishing Schumer for this but I think that’s a dumb idea and would be very unfair. While I disagree with Schumer, and I believe no deal is a pathway to Iran having nukes, punishing him is bad politics and would send a very negative message.

It took me about eight hours to draw this cartoon. Well, not to draw it but it took me that long to finish it. I started the cartoon then ordered some Kung Pao Chicken, went into a food coma, woke up, jammed to some Pete Yorn, walked the Beagle, Watched the end of Across The Universe, corresponded to some social media comments, and then I started drawing again. It’s a hard job. I do have Kung Pao leftovers for tomorrow.

I am really not fond of using movies for an analogy in a cartoon, unless it involves sharks in twisters.

Why do I not like using movies in cartoons? I’m glad you asked. Because it’s lazy. It’s not unique or original.

I suspect it works like this for other cartoonist because it’s how it used to work for me: You need an idea but you don’t have one so you think “hey, there’s probably a new movie out there everyone’s talking about and I can just draw that and throw in some labels and maybe a caricature.” Work day is over and I’m brilliant. No I’m not.

Not only is it lazy, it’s just too obvious when the movie is popular. There’s been a dozen to a hundred political cartoons with Minions. I refuse to draw Minions, just because everyone else is doing it. Lazy. Plus, I felt the movie kinda sucked in comparison to Despicable Me (Despicable Me 2 was just OK). I’ve also seen a few with the new Mission Impossible. I don’t know which number Mission Impossible is this new one. I don’t like Tom Cruise, though the fairly recent one where he’s fighting aliens at Normandy and reliving the same day over and over was really bad ass. I digress.

Now if you do a cartoon with a movie that’s not popular you may think “yeah, I’m brilliant” except nobody else wants to do that because most people don’t want to suck. Readers may not remember the movie you’re referring to if it’s not current, so the movie should be a classic or at least well known in pop culture like Gone With The Wind, Rebel Without A Cause, Jaws, Star Wars, Wizard Of Oz, Blues Brothers, you get where I’m going here.

Last week some dork did a cartoon with the movie Shallow Hal. Do you remember Shallow Hal? It’s a Farrelly Brothers movie with Jack Black and it’s not a good Farrelly Brothers movie with Jack Black. It sucked. It makes things that suck seem to suck less because it sucks so much. It came out in the early 2000s and I doubt it would have been a good idea then. Did I mention it sucked? Basically, Hal is shallow. He’s hypnotized to only see the inner beauty in people, thus he starts dating Gwyneth Paltrow who is a total beautiful soul, generous with a huge heart, and she’s morbidly obese with cankles and acne. The movie teaches us the lesson to judge a person by their inner beauty and it uses a lot of fat jokes to sell that message. In the movie poster you see Gwyneth and her beauty but her shadow is huge. In the cartoon the shadow is a mushroom cloud but the physical person is an evil hideous-looking Iranian Mullah. Did the cartoonist even see the movie?

I did see a cartoon earlier this week that used the movie Trainwreck. Honestly, I can’t remember if it was good or bad, who drew it or what issue it covered. I decided not to go looking for it when I got this idea. I’ll do that later though to compare.

In my defense to this cartoon: Trainwreck stars Amy Schumer. She’s a cousin of some sort to Senator Schumer. They even had an anti-gun press conference together last week. That may go over readers’ heads, but screw it. I kinda like it, despite it breaking all my rules.

I really don’t like rules despite having a hundred of them for cartooning. In this case, the man I’m sticking it to is myself.

By the way, the movie Trainwreck is pretty funny. Lebron James steals the movie. Spoiler alert so stop reading here: You see a lot of John Cena, the wrestler. I mean a LOT of John Cena. You see more John Cena than anyone would ever want to see of John Cena. Over seeing that much John Cena, I’d rather watch Shallow Hal.

Update: A friend told me it looked like Schumer was holding a turkey leg to his mouth. It’s supposed to be a bottle inside a bag. His comment bothered me enough to redraw the bag. At least now it doesn’t look like a turkey leg.

Here’s the rough.

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