Christmas Sweater

Ugly Christmas Lawyer


If Green Acres’ Mr. Haney and Grandpa Munster got busy and had a hate baby, it would be Ted Cruz…if it was born in Canada.

Ted Cruz is a disgusting, slimy, skeezy, smarmy, pompous, vile excuse of a human being, but let me tell you how I really feel about him. The man has zero principles, morals, or loyalty. Donald Trump accused his father of murdering JFK and called his wife ugly, yet Ted Cruz is on the Trump train. One thing I don’t get about Texas, the state I was born in, is why they reelected a man who became a groveler to the guy who insulted his father and his wife.

During the 2016 Republican primaries, Ted Cruz called Donald Trump a “sniveling coward,” a “pathological liar,” “utterly amoral,” a “narcissist,” “nuts,” “kooky,” a “big, loud New York bully,” a “serial philanderer,” and a “small and petty man who is intimidated by strong women.” After Donald Trump won the nomination, Ted Cruz said, “I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and attack my father.” He also said, “If you slander and attack Heidi, I’m not going to nonetheless go like a servile puppy dog and support him.”

And then, Ted Cruz went like a servile puppy dog and supported him. In 2018, he wrote a gushing article for Time Magazine praising Trump and his “achievements.” When Donald Trump was impeached, Ted Cruz was one of Donald Trump’s biggest defenders.

Everything Ted Cruz said about Donald Trump during the 2016 primaries was true. It’s about the only time he’s ever been correct. And during that same period was the only time Donald Trump has ever been correct…when he brandished Cruz as “Lying Ted.” The thing is, both men fit almost every accusation the other has made. Both men are vile creatures without morals or principles.

While ignoring that Donald Trump never had evidence against Hunter Biden engaging in corrupt or illegal dealings in Ukraine, Ted Cruz yelled there was no evidence of Donald Trump committing a crime when he asked Ukraine to give him dirt on his political opponent, Joe Biden. And now, Ted Cruz is arguing that we should invalidate a national election, the will of the people, without having any evidence of any mass voter fraud. None. Zip. Nada.

Trump wanted dirt on Biden because he knew Biden could beat him in the election and limit him to being a one-term president. Joe Biden defeated Donald Trump and limited him to being a one-term president. The amazingly stupid thing is, nine out of ten Republicans don’t realize that.

Joe Biden received 306 electoral votes. You only need 270 to win the presidency. Joe Biden won the election. Now, in a last gasp hail Mary lawsuit, Texas is suing Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Georgia for electing Joe Biden. If that sounds ridiculous, it’s because it is. What else is ridiculous is that Donald Trump wants Ted Cruz to argue the case before the Supreme Court.

The first issue is, it may not even be heard in the Supreme Court. Texas has taken its lawsuit straight to the Supreme Court, but you have to get permission from the court first and show there’s no other place to resolve the issue. This issue has already been resolved in lower courts…as in thrown out multiple times for being utter and complete bullshit.

What Texas is arguing is that the four states violated national and their own election laws and used the coronavirus pandemic as an excuse. Other suits have made the same charges…other suits that have been thrown out of lower courts. This case has been heard and thrown out over 30 times for lack of evidence. To put it another way: Lawyers have only brought complete bullshit to the courts. What’s puzzling is why the top lawyer in Texas thinks this is a case. Even more puzzling, why do the top lawyers in 17 other states think this is a case? Why would all these attorneys general sign on to a case put together so sloppily, the Texas AG didn’t even do the math for it?

The lawsuit wants to throw out and invalidate the votes of 20 million Americans. The lawsuit states that there are 72 electoral votes combined from these four states. But the electoral votes from Georgia, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan only amount to 62. Somebody buy Ken Paxton, the Texas AG, a calculator.

There are multiple problems with this case other than bad math, lack of evidence, wrong court, the case has already been tried multiple times, all the lawyers are fucking morons, etc. etc. The biggest problem may be that states conduct their own elections. Texas argues this affects who controls the senate, as Kamala Harris will be the tiebreaker if Georgia sends two Democrats in January, so this affects Texas. But for that matter, since Ted Cruz only beat Beto O’Rourke 50.9 to 48.3 percent in 2018, can’t blue states sue Texas for the way it ran its election? Ted Cruz shut down the government which affected every state. Right? Also, Ted Cruz is icky.

If this lawsuit flies in the Supreme Court, then any state can sue any other state over whom they send to the United States Senate.

Can we sue Kentucky for Mitch McConnell? Can we sue Kentucky because Rand Paul is such an asshole, people can’t stop themselves from physically assaulting him? Can we sue Florida for giving us a senator who looks like Voldemort? Can we sue Florida for giving us an idiot like Marco Rubio? Can we sue Mississippi for giving us a senator who is such a racist, she jokes about lynching? Can we sue Arkansas for Tom Cotton, a senator who tried to subvert U.S. foreign policy during the Obama administration by sending threatening letters to the Iranian government? Can we sue South Carolina for ass-kissing hypocrite Lindsey Graham? If nothing else, we’ll be saving these states from themselves.

Look at it this way: More Americans vote for Democratic candidates for the U.S. Senate than they do for GOP candidates, yet the GOP controls the Senate…and the GOP stole a Supreme Court seat from President Obama, placed another on the Supreme Court accused of attempted rape, and then stole another seat from President Biden. Those justices will be on the highest court in the land for decades. That affects all of us whether you live in dumbass Texas and stupid ass Florida or New York, California, and Virginia where educated people vote. Let’s sue those fuckers.

Another problem with this lawsuit is the Constitution…which Republicans love to use when they call themselves “Constitutionalists.” The Constitution says all the electors from each state must meet on the SAME DAY. This year, that day is December 14. If you’re a Republican, I know you’re bad at math, but that’s four days from now. Also in case you’re a Republican, if it’s Monday in New York, it’s also Monday in Texas. You’re going to invalidate 20 million votes in four states and take 62 (not 72) electoral votes from the winner, Joe Biden, and give them to the loser, Donald Trump, within the next four days? And two of those days are on the weekend.

Each of these states has certified its election results. Guess what. So has Texas. So have all the other 17 states sending briefs in support of Texas. They want all their certifications to stand while decertifying the votes in four other states? That’s hypocrisy…but then again, they are Republicans. Maybe we can sue all these states, all of whom voted for Trump, and challenge their elections. Maybe we should sue to recount the vote in Texas four times. Our argument can be: There is no way there are that many stupid people in Texas.

On top of all this, Ken Paxton, the idiot lawyer bringing this case, is under indictment for security fraud and has been accused of bribery. So of course Donald Trump loves this guy. But this may be more of a press release than an actual lawsuit. Paxton could be angling for a presidential pardon. He’ll be at the White House today and I wonder if it’ll come up. But what’s in it for the other 17 red-state lawyers? To kiss Trump’s ass? To pander to their voters? Or are they all less informed of the law and legal procedures than a political cartoonist?

Now, Trump has joined the lawsuit but we already know he’s an idiot. He’s such an idiot, that the guy he wants to argue this case before the Supreme Court is the same guy he labeled “Lying Ted.”

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