Build The Wall

With Frickin’ Laser Beams


cjones10062019

Today, we’re going to focus less on the fact that Donald Trump is a treasonous idiot willing to abuse the power of his office for personal gain and more on the fact that he’s just an idiot.

When I got a news alert on my phone reporting that Donald Trump wants to put a moat at the base of his racist border wall and fill it with snakes and alligators in addition to shooting migrants in the legs, I thought, “when did I start subscribing to notifications from The Onion?”

No. It wasn’t from The Onion. It was from The New York Times.

The Times’s published an excerpt of Julie Hirschfeld Davis and Michael D. Shear’s forthcoming book, Border Wars: Inside Trump’s Assault on Immigration. In the article last March in an Oval Office meeting, Donald Trump was fuming about migrants crossing the southern border. He demanded that the 2,000-mile border with Mexico be shut down the next day at noon. Aides worried it would strand Americans in Mexico, strand children in schools on both sides, and cause an economic meltdown in both nations. They were eventually able to hold him off for a week. After that week, he changed his mind and hiked tariffs on Mexico. But if you think that idea was stupid and cruel, it got much worse.

Trump had publicly called for shooting migrants who threw rocks at American soldiers on the border (where U.S. soldiers are not supposed to be policing. There’s a law). During this meeting, he suggested that migrants be shot in the legs to slow them down. He was informed that wasn’t legal. Then, he argued for placing spikes on top of his yet-to-be-built wall that could pierce human flesh. He also wanted the wall electrified. And then…yes…he said he wanted a moat in front of the wall stocked with snakes and alligators. Hoo boy.

What’s even more ridiculous is that aides started researching this idea to seek cost estimates (if it’s legal in your state, a baby alligator costs about $150.00). The only shocking thing he didn’t request, a la Dr. Evil, was sharks with “frickin’ laser beams on their heads.” Yeah, it didn’t work out in the movie either.

It’s really hard to create an obstacle that’s more dangerous than the one migrants already face while traveling through a desert to cross over the U.S. border. That obstacle is that they’re traveling through a desert. In 2018, over 260 migrants died trying to cross the border. In 2018, two people were killed by alligators and another two were killed by snakes. On average, cows kill 22 people a year in the United States. Maybe we need a moat filled with cows. We could call it a “moooat.” Get it? Moo….oat? Never mind.

Here are some fun facts about migrants, snakes, and alligators. If you bump into Donald Trump (I hear he likes to hang out in teenage girls’ dressing rooms. Maybe that’s where there should be a moat), feel free to relay them to him.

I have some experience with snakes and alligators as I used to work in a reptile house in a zoo. Fun fact: Alligators are not cooperative animals. Gators don’t stay where you want them to stay.  They don’t do what you want them to do, even if you’re a billionaire. Unfortunately for Donald Trump, they’re not really big on joining cults.

People swim with alligators every day and usually, they don’t even know it. When I was a kid, I was aware there were gators in the Louisiana bayous where I was swimming, but I just decided to ignore them. Spoiler alert: I wasn’t eaten. Filling a moat with gators won’t stop migrants. It’ll just be another thing they have to overcome. If anything, they may come to see the alligators. Gators are cool. Except, they probably won’t be able to see any gators because gators don’t do well in deserts. Donald Trump needs to spend less executive time watching Fox News and more watching Animal Planet.

As for snakes, they’re already dealing with those. They’re crossing a desert filled with snakes and there’s already a moat on the border full of them too. That moat’s called the Rio Grande River. Snakes are everywhere. There are snakes in your yard right now but you’re still going to the mailbox today. Well, maybe not now. I’m more concerned about the snakes in the White House.

Snakes don’t go after people. They would rather get away than bite. Most people killed by snakes were trying to kill a snake. But, I’d hate for someone in the Trump administration to read this and realize the idea of a moat full of snakes and gators won’t work, so they seek out something crueler.

And that’s just it with these people. The cruelty. They campaign on being cruel. Republicans seem to be in a race on who can be the biggest asshole. Trump is winning. Fortunately for us, they’re also stupid.

What really bothers me more than Donald Trump thinking spikes, moats, snakes, and gators are great ideas, is that his cult will think they’re great ideas. I mean, after all, Trump is a stable genius so the moat has to be a great idea.

Donald Trump is no Dr. Evil. But feel free to call him Dr. Dumbass.

Support the cartoonist.

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Banana Bang Bang


cjones09142019

Let me make something clear to you. Immigration, legal or otherwise, is NOT the greatest danger or challenge facing this nation. Sure, if you’re a white nationalist like Stephen Miller believing in the Great Replacement theory and that white people are systematically being phased out, more people in this nation who don’t look like you will keep you up shivering and perspiring with fear all night as if you had the meat sweats.

The Trump administration is treating immigration, legal and non-legal, as the second greatest threat facing this nation behind people fact-checking Donald Trump. But even if immigration was the greatest danger we face, building a wall on the border with Mexico is NOT the solution. It’s been pointed out again and again that the majority of people in this nation illegally entered legally and through checkpoints, not by sneaking across through the desert. The majority of guns and drugs entering this country come through legal checkpoints. People in this nation illegally do pay taxes and contribute more than they take. Very few immigrants are taking jobs away from U.S. citizens. These are facts. So, building a great big wall is a stupid idea that’s not a solution. But stupid ideas work on stupid people.

Stupid people bought the promise that Trump would build a wall and make Mexico pay for it. They’ve proven they’re so stupid that when the promise is broken and they’re the ones paying for it, they will still support it. If you support Trump based on his broken promises (or for any reason actually), you’re stupid. If you’re in the military or in a military family and you support Trump, you may be the dumbest ones of all.

Republicans receive huge support and loyalty from the military and their families. They’ve held this belief for decades that Republicans are better for national defense and security, never mind invading the wrong country. Military families support Donald Trump. They support him despite his deferments from fighting in the Vietnam war. They support him despite his supposed bone spurs. They support him despite his attacking Gold Star families. They even support him despite saying, “I don’t like people who get captured,” and that a POW is only a war hero because he got captured. They support him despite accepting a Purple Heart he didn’t deserve and for openly saying he wants to give himself a Medal of Honor. For some strange reason, they believe a person can do all that and be a great supporter of the military.

They support Trump despite him turning speeches before them into political rants and attacks on people who criticize him. They support him despite him lying to them about their raises. If you had a new boss take credit for giving you a raise that someone else give you, lie about how much you received, and claim it was the first you’ve received in years when it wasn’t, would you celebrate what a great boss he is and start wearing an ugly hat with his name on it? Or, would you realize he didn’t respect you at all because he believes you’re too stupid to notice differences on your paycheck and in your bank account? I guess you may be if you believe Trump when he says not to believe what you see and hear.

Would they have supported him if he started his campaign saying, “I’m going to build a wall by diverting military funds for its construction”?

I guess if you’re stupid enough to believe Trump when he says construction on the wall has started when it hasn’t, then you’re stupid enough to continue to support him when he steals $3.6 billion from the military for his wall. In case you’re a Republican, that’s NOT Mexico paying for it.

Tyndale Air Force Base in Florida was heavily damaged by Hurricane Michael. Trump went to the base and told the personnel, “I pledge to you unwavering support and the support of our nation until you have fully recovered and rebuilt and we will never ever leave your side.” About that. He’s taking $17 million from that project for his wall. That’s not “unwavering” support. That is totally “leaving their side.” For Trump, “never ever” means nada.

Trump is even taking money from military projects in border states, such as Arizona for his wall. Fort Huachuca in that state currently has a $30 million restoration project in the works that is now stalled because of Trump’s theft from the military.

An engineering center along with supporting structures at West Point was deemed so important, that the graduating class of 2009 voted to gift the school with $750,00 for the project. Now, they’re donating to a project the government is stealing from. Trump is taking $160 million from the project for his stupid wall. Graduate Benjamin Hass said, “President (sic) Trump’s decision to divert funds away from this center in order to pay for the border wall demonstrates his disregard for true national security threats and his fixation on a project that will solve no national security issues.”

That’s it right there. Immigration is NOT a threat to our national security yet Trump is taking billions intended to support those who protect us to fund his racist vanity project. Climate change is a greater threat to our national security and the Pentagon (in case you’re a Republican, that’s the military) has issued a report laying out how climate change is a national security threat. Imagine the reaction if President Obama, citing the Pentagon’s report, diverted funds from the military to combat climate change. Republicans would be screaming how he was disregarding Congress’ Constitutional role in appropriating funding. They’d accuse him of acting like a king or a dictator. Actually, they did accuse him of that.

But Donald Trump, he can take money from the military, disregard national security, stomp all over the Constitution, lie about it while doing so and Republicans and military people will keep supporting him.

Gwen Stefani said it best. This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Support the cartoonist.

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Extreme Supremes


cjones08022019

Take heart, America. The Supreme Court’s decision, which they came out of their summer break to render, isn’t as bad as you think. Oh, it’s bad. It’s a terrible, rotten, stupid, partisan decision delivered by five extreme supremes, but there’s more context to it than the headlines are delivering. Since I’m a simple-minded political cartoonist who often forgets how to tie his shoes, I may be the one to break it down in an easy and concise way that even a Trump cultist would understand. OK, probably not. But you’ll get it.

The headlines are screaming that the Supreme Court, on a 5-4 vote, rules Trump can use military funds for border wall construction. The issue is over Donald Trump taking money that was appropriated by Congress for the military, and using it for something else that Congress did not authorize. The only way Trump can break what’s in the Constitution and decide all by himself what to spend taxpayer money on is to declare a national emergency (this is the same guy who thinks our national security is threatened by Canadian cheese. Maybe we should build a wall on that border out of crackers). From the headlines, you get the impression the Supreme Court has ruled that Trump can do that, even if it’s not really a national emergency. The fear liberals have is that the court will allow Trump to do whatever the hell Trump wants. Screw Congress. We may be headed in that direction but the court didn’t rule on any of that yesterday.

The chicanery of Trump stealing money from the military has been challenged by the Sierra Club and the Southern Borders Communities Coalition, argued for them by the American Civil Liberties Union. A federal district judge in California prohibited the government from using the Pentagon funds to build the border wall. Trump’s legal team then went to the U.S. Court of Appeals in the 9th Circuit, who blocked the spending pending an appeal.

Trump’s people argued to the Supremes that they should be allowed to use the Pentagon money to build the border wall while it appeals the court’s ruling in the 9th Circuit. They argued they needed the court to act on its request by July 26 because if construction contracts are not finalized by September 30 when the fiscal year ends, they will no longer be available. That’s a very stupid argument but five of the nine justices bought it. At the very most, the court could have allowed the government to grant the contracts but not authorize the start of construction. Or, better yet, don’t negotiate contracts when you don’t have the money.  How the hell was that a winning argument?

What the supremes decided was that the Trump can go ahead and use the money while the appeal is pending and…get this…that the challengers “may” not be the right plaintiffs to challenge the reallocation of the funds. I can’t find why the court believes they “may” not be the right challengers.

Now, even if the courts later say Trump can’t do this, the construction will have already started and it can’t be stopped. Trump will be barking all the way to election day that he’s keeping his promise and building the wall. He won’t mention to his cultists that they’re the ones paying for it, and not Mexico. It also won’t be detected by any of them that Trump, who claims he’s done more for the military than any other president, just stole money from the military. It also won’t be noticed by them that even though it was argued to the supremes that the wall is needed to “staunch the flow of illegal narcotics across the southern border,” that the majority of illegal narcotics enter this nation through legal entry points, not humped on someone’s back through the desert. That also means that this is NOT a national emergency. A wall on the southern border will be about as effective at keeping out drugs as the Maginot Line was at keeping out Nazis (maybe a poor analogy as the Trump administration is very favorable to Nazis).

Here’s the part that may ease your distress the most. These funds ARE NOT BUILDING ANY NEW WALL. Nope. They’re still replacing existing fencing. “Build the wall” is a lot catchier than “steal money from the military to replace already existing fencing.” The money totals $2.5 billion and it will cover just 100 miles along the border. This is not the entire wall. If that ever gets started, it will be held up for years in courts by private property owners along the border. Donald Trump will never get his border wall.

It would be smarter to spend $2.5 billion on free college educations so more Americans in the future won’t be dumb enough to spend $2.5 billion dollars on a useless border wall.

But, these kinds of decisions are causing damage to the country that may be irreversible. Congress may now take away the right of the president (who in the future, may not be an imbecilic, narcissistic, treasonous muppet with bad hair) to declare a national emergency which would suck in the event of an actual national emergency…like the Candian cheese attacking us gets moldy. Or, in the future, another president will make up some hokey reason to declare a national emergency to steal money from government programs to appease a political base to help his or her reelection.

If the Supreme Court allows Trump to take whatever tax money he wants for his pet racist vanity projects, they will be ruling that there are no longer checks and balances and we don’t even need a Congress. At that point, we’ll be down to two branches of government and a near dictatorship. The next step will be the Supreme Court ruling that this nation doesn’t need a Supreme Court and the Trump family will just own the White House for all eternity like the Kim family owns North Korea, where Kim il-Sung is still the president despite dying in 1994 and is currently kept on ice. Seriously.

This decision by the Supreme Court makes Trump supporters happy. They don’t want checks and balances, a free press, three branches of government, or even free and fair elections. They want a fascist government led by a charlatan who steals from charities, grabs vaginas, bankrupts casinos, and is a crappy game show host. Trump cultists don’t love America or democracy. Just like lower deficits and family values, patriotism is just something they pretend to believe in.

It’s a national disgrace that so many Americans fall for the lies from a guy who wouldn’t cut it as a used car salesman when reality when the facts are in their faces. It’s a bigger disgrace that five of them are on the Supreme Court.

Support the cartoonist

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.