Brooklyn Bridge

Let’s Make A Trump Deal


Donald Trump’s probably thinking, “I don’t care how green it is, I’m driving my golf cart on it.”

After hearing that Donald Trump wants to purchase Greenland, an autonomous nation owned by Denmark (in case you’re a Republican, “autonomous” means they govern themselves), I have several questions for him.

Can he find Greenland on a map? Greenland is close to the Arctic Circle, does he know the difference between the Arctic and Antarctica? Does he know there aren’t any penguins in the North Pole or does he think it’s like a commercial where polar bears and penguins are sharing bottles of Coca-Cola? Does he know Denmark owns Greenland? Does he know Greenland actually isn’t green? Does he know it’s an island “surrounded by water” (because Puerto Rico’s location totally surprised him)? What does he plan to use as currency to make the purchase because the oil reserves alone are estimated at three trillion dollars, and he’s already tacking two trillion to our debt? Does he plan to finance it through Deutsche Bank with Russian help? If he becomes Greenland’s landlord, will he raise the rent to keep out black people? Will he rename it “Trumpland” or better yet, “Orangeland?” Does he know Greenland has a national healthcare plan? If he purchases the largest island in the world (he probably doesn’t know that either), will he acknowledge climate change is real and not just a hoax created by China?

There are reports that White House aides are confused over Trump’s interest in Greenland. They don’t know if he’s joking or being an idiot because he’s not funny and he’s always an idiot. But apparently, he has the White House counsel looking into it between their current activities in helping him obstruct justice and committing high crimes and misdemeanors.

Trump will be visiting Denmark next month as soon as he figures out the difference between Danish and Dutch. Some in the media are wondering if he’ll bring up the topic of purchasing Greenland from them, that is if he actually knows they own it.

There are two other troubling issues with Trump wanting to buy Greenland. It insults our allies and the citizens of Greenland (Ha, those silly Americans….what? We’re going to become Americans? NOOOOOOOOOOO!). Also, it’s another example to our friends and foes that Trump can’t be taken seriously.

I have a suggestion. Why don’t we take care of the current islands we own before we acquire more? Let’s take care of the citizens of Puerto Rico before we get another island with citizens to crap on. Or better yet, instead of increasing the size of the United States, let’s unload some shit.

Do we really need the Dakotas? I mean, can’t we just squish Mount Rushmore down into Nebraska and trick, I mean convince, Canada to buy North and South Dakota? Maybe the Canadians will let the Native Americans there finally vote. Then there’s Arkansas. You look at it and you ask, “why?” As for Indiana, I can’t think of a good reason for it. Getting rid of Ohio might be worth it not to have to deal with Jim Jordan anymore. And, maybe we don’t get rid of the entire state of Iowa but just the congressional district Steve King keeps winning. South Carolina is a beautiful state, but maybe we can add an ejection seat to it and get Lindsey Graham to sit in it. Florida is a hard sell (we’d have to hide Matt Gaetz and Rick Scott during the open house) and I doubt Denmark would buy it off us, but maybe the Netherlands. They get high a lot. For them, it’d be like the morning after a binger and discovering what you purchased on Amazon.

Or even better, we just get rid of Donald Trump and stop having to deal with any of this shit. I’m sure I can speak for everyone when I say we’ll be willing to pay for someone to take him off our hands. Maybe a beautiful penthouse in a Pyongyang Trump Tower? I hear the winters are lovely.

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