Birds

Paul’s Peckers


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Normally, when Rand Paul gets his ass kicked, it’s in a political debate. In 2017, he literally got his ass kicked by one of his neighbors in his gated community in Kentucky.

Reportedly, the scuffle was over yard work and Paul claimed he was ambushed from behind right after he got off his riding lawnmower. His attacker was five-foot-six and weighed about 140 pounds (which would be like getting attacked by a 13-year-old boy), and left Rand Paul with six broken ribs.

Tim Pritts, a doctor at the University of Cincinnati Medical School (who didn’t treat Paul) said six broken ribs is “more consistent with a car accident, or a fall down a flight of stairs, or even from the top of a building.” He said, “I’ve seen a few from people getting kicked by horses.” Rand Paul did not get kicked by a horse, or a cow, or a gopher, and thank god for that because a kick from any one of those might have killed him.

What is it with the tough guy Republicans? You got one in Texas who kisses the ass of a man who calls his wife ugly and accuses his father of murder and then you got another in Kentucky getting his ass kicked by guys no larger than….hmmmm. No larger than someone like Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Now, I’m not suggesting Dr. Anthony Fauci leap from his table and physically assault Rand Paul the next time he accuses the medical expert of “theater” or attempts to bully and shout him down…I’m just saying I think 80-year-old Dr. Fauci can take him.

Yesterday’s exchange between Paul and Fauci wasn’t the first. And for Fauci’s sake, I hope it’s the last. Dr. Fauci is the director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and the chief medical advisor to the president and it’s beneath him to have to argue science with the likes of Rand Paul, who is a self-certified eye doctor.

Yes, Rand Paul created a commission that certifies eye doctors, stacked it with members of his own family who then certified him…and his certification still expired. Apparently, it’s easier to become a doctor in Kentucky than on an island in the Caribbean.

I tweeted yesterday, “If I need information on the coronavirus and I can go to either Dr. Anthony Fauci, an expert on disease and viruses or Rand Paul, a self-certified eye doctor, I’m going to Dr. Fauci, the expert on viruses. Duh! Now, if I need to talk to an expert about my eyes….oh, fuck it. I’m still going to Dr. Fauci.”

I would not see Rand Paul for an ingrown toenail. I wouldn’t ask the guy how to get rid of dandruff…and looking at his hair, why would I? Maybe ask him how to get rid of birds nesting in it. But no, I wouldn’t consult Rand Paul on anything medical. And that’s why it’s such a laugh and absurd when he takes on Dr. Fauci on the subject of science.

Who is Rand Paul going to lecture next? Maybe he’ll school Steven Spielberg on how to direct movies. Maybe he’ll give Denzel Washington acting lessons. Perhaps he would have instructed Julia Child on how to make a soufflé. Or, he can advise Donald Trump on how pay hush money after raw-dogging porn stars. It would be like any time someone on Fox News talks about journalism.

Rand Paul believes his neighbor kicked his ass over politics. His other neighbors believe it’s more of an issue of Rand Paul being an asshole and not being aware of it. Watching the hearings from yesterday, or any other time Rand Paul has ever opened his mouth, you get the impression it’s the asshole thing. And maybe he is aware of it because Rand Paul is the kind of asshole to know he’s an asshole and yet continue to be an asshole. Rand Paul owns the only ass in Washington Lindsey Graham won’t kiss.

Rand Paul caught the coronavirus and while waiting for the test results, continued to roam about the Capitol, visiting the gym (gotta build the muscles in case there’s another dwarf attack), and swam in the pool. He didn’t consider those around him…which is typical selfish behavior for a Republican. Since he caught the virus, which shockingly did not kill him, he has believed he is immune. Maybe it’s like that medical certification and he believes after getting it once, he’ll never need it again. Now, Paul has refused to EVER wear a mask or to get vaccinated. Even Donald Trump, who caught the virus and received the world’s best medical treatment, got vaccinated. It was a secret for at least two months, but he still did it.

Rand Paul went after Fauci yesterday and said, “You’re telling everyone to wear a mask. If we’re not spreading the infection, isn’t it just theater? You have the vaccine and you’re wearing two masks, isn’t that theater?”

Dr. Fauci replied, “Here we go again with the theater. Let’s get down to the facts.” And Dr. Fauci laid out the facts.

Dr. Fauci told Paul, “I agree with you, that you very likely would have protection from wild type for at least six months if you’re infected,” but pointed out there is no protection from some of the more infectious variants, like the one one first found in South Africa. The variants are a “good reason for a mask,” he said.

But, Rand Paul is an asshole. He said, “You’re making policy based on conjecture!” Paul interrupted Fauci and accused him of wanting people to wear masks “for another couple of years” and said, “You’ve been vaccinated and you parade around in two masks for show. If you already have immunity, you’re wearing a mask to give comfort to others. You’re not wearing a mask because of any science.”

Right there is the biggest sign of what a jerk Rand Paul is. He used the word “parading” to describe Fauci being safe. No, Rand. “Parading” is not what you do by being considerate of others and wearing a mask…or even two masks. “Parading” is what Nazis and Klansmen do to celebrate Republican victories.

Dr. Fauci is correct. The Center for Disease Control’s guidelines state those who have been fully vaccinated against COVID-19 should still wear a mask in public. But, hey…I’m sure this self-certified eye doctor who lost his certification knows more about the coronavirus than the CDC or the nation’s top infectious diseases expert.

I admire Dr. Fauci. I admire his honesty, candor, and professionalism. I also admire him for not leaping over the table and beating Rand Paul to death with his own nameplate. Rand Paul got his ass beat over the way he cut his grass. How in the hell did he not get pummeled while lecturing the nation’s top infectious diseases expert on infectious diseases?

And if a pair of love birds ever did nest in that unruly mess on top of Rand Paul’s head, you know at some point they’d peck his eyes out.

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For The Birds


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I live in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little city built on history. George Washington grew up here. His sister and her husband built a home here. George bought his mother a home here where she lived until her death. But Fredericksburg may be more famous for the two battles staged here during the Civil War (unless you’re an antique shopper. Then it’s probably better known to you for antiques).

This town is old and it takes the Civil War seriously, or at least the tourism part of it does. There are buildings with marks from bullets in them from the two battles. There are buildings with cannonballs stuck in the outside walls. Battle reenactments are staged here. My former editor of The Free Lance-Star had one joke and he told it at every function where he was required to speak. It went something like, “Whenever you bring up the Civil War in this town, the first response you get is, ‘what have you heard?'”

The joke is based on the Civil War still being a news story which is based on the kinda/sorta joke that some people are still fighting the Civil War. But that goes for a lot of places in the south. A lot of people can’t get over it. Some people even believe it’s not over and the “south will rise again.”

Meanwhile, Fredericksburg is a tourist town and you can’t go seven steps here without seeing a historical marker, but the people who live here are pretty much over it. I have been here for over 20 years (really? 20 years? Dammit!), and the one subject nobody ever brings up to me is the Civil War, other than an occasional debate over what it was fought over (slavery. For the south, it was just slavery. Deal with it), I don’t ever hear anyone talk about the Civil War. But maybe that’s just the circles I run in (when I’m not staying home because all I do now is stay home). While the city is surrounded by two very red pro-Trump fucknut counties (kiss my ass, Spotsylvania. Screw you, Stafford), Fredericksburg is a liberal city. It votes blue. Hillary Clinton destroyed Trump here on election day. You don’t see a lot of Confederate flags being waved here.

After you have lived here for a while, you don’t even see the Civil War stuff except for the tourists. They’re always right in front of you and they walk and drive slow. And they make a lot of noise when their cars are towed after parking by a sign that says, “Do not park here” and they complain, “I didn’t know that’s how it was here because I’m from Fairfax” where apparently the signs are not in English.

Even in Richmond, which was the capital of the Confederacy, the Confederate statues are coming down. HBO Max is pulling “Gone With the Wind.” The House of Representatives is putting together legislation to rename Army installations that bear Confederate names and removing their Confederate symbols. Even the Republican Senate is putting together a commission to study it (you don’t need a commission to study it. I’ll tell you right now, Confederate names are racist. Take ’em down). The Pentagon wants to remove Confederate names from military bases. Even NASCAR is banning the Confederate flag. Hell, NASCAR, which has about 38 Bubbas driving for it, has a black driver now. His name is Bubba. Small steps.

Nearly everyone seems to be moving forward except the president (sic) of the United States. Donald Trump said he won’t even consider renaming military bases named after loser Confederate generals who were fighting to preserve slavery.

In 2017, when he defended tiki-torch Nazis marching through Charlottesville chanting “Blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us,” Donald Trump defended Confederate statues saying, “Sad to see the history and culture of our great country being ripped apart with the removal of our beautiful statues and monuments. You can’t change history, but you can learn from it.”

He also tweeted, “Robert E Lee, Stonewall Jackson – who’s next, Washington, Jefferson? So foolish! Also the beauty that is being taken out of our cities, towns and parks will be greatly missed and never able to be comparably replaced!”

So, just what is so “beautiful,” a word he used twice, with monuments for the military champions of slavery? And the other thing is, what does he mean by “our” monuments? Donald Trump isn’t from Virginia. He’s not from Alabama, or Georgia, Mississippi, any of the nine other states who seceded from the Union. That jackass is from New York City. He was born in Queens. While conservatives accuse Democrats of pandering for the black vote, who the hell is Trump pandering to?

Donald Trump’s very first post-pandemic hate rally will be in Tulsa, Oklahoma, the site of one of the worst race riots in our nation’s history which turned into a massacre for th black community. He’s also holding it on Juneteenth, the anniversary for when black Americans first learned of the Emancipation Proclamation. This is not a racist wolf whistle. As Senator Kamala Harris said, it’s a “welcome home party” for white supremacists.

Donald Trump believes he’ll be reelected on a racist agenda. Hell, it worked in 2016…barely. The racist-in-chief who was the champion of birtherism, said “send them back,” and talked about “shithole” countries, and who still refuses to apologize for putting full-page ads in The New York Times calling for the death of the innocent Central Park Five is trying to convince us he’s about equality and will stand up against racism when he sees it…except he never sees it. If he did, he’d spot it every time he looked in the mirror…which he does a lot.

Donald Trump does not want to move on and that’s fine because we don’t believe him when he pretends to. The rest of the nation is moving on, even NASCAR, but Trump wants to remain the same old bigot from Queens, like Archie Bunker. Hopefully, the nation continues to move on without him in November.

Donald Trump defends Confederate statues, monuments to hatred. I’m certain he envisions statues dedicated to him someday. He’s already talked about being on Mount Rushmore. And after some dickwater town in the deep south erects a monument to Donald Trump’s hatred, I’m sure there will be more than birds waiting to shit on it.

By the way, Donald Trump already has a statue. Do yourself a favor and don’t click HERE.

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