Republicans aren’t worried about our nation being attacked by Russia through our elections. They’re not worried about white nationalist terrorists who try to overturn an election and install a fascist Oompa Loompa as a dictator. They’re not worried about school shootings of which there have been at least seven of this year (96 mass shootings in total over the past two months). What they are afraid of are drag queens.
Over the past several months, Republicans have been on a warpath for drag queens. What did drag queens do? Did they engage in an information campaign to elect a racist lying pussy-grabbing grifting moron to the presidency? No, Russia did that. Did they commit an insurrection by attacking Congress and try to install the losing candidate? No, white nationalist MAGAts did that. Did they spend months lying and feeding mistrust in our democratic elections to the entire nation, saying that Trump won when he lost? No, Fox News did that. Did they steal classified documents and store them in the basement of a country club then obstruct justice and lie to the National Archives and Justice Department about it? No, Donald Trump did that. Did drag queens inflict this nation with Nickelback, Bryan Adams, Justin Beiber, and Avril Lavigne? No, Canada did that. Did a drag queen pad his resume and lie about everything on it in order to win an election to Congress? Well, yeah…one of them did that. But everything else, they’re innocent of.
Hell, they’re not even responsible for other plagues on this nation such as the Kars-4-Kids commercial or that other one that sings “I have a structured settlement but I need cash now.” The only phone number I have memorized is 877 cash now.
The truth is, drag queens haven’t hurt anyone but if you listen to Republicans, they’re an incarnate evil. Several states are attempting to pass laws limiting drag shows and Tennessee is about to become the first.
“Thinking about the children,” the yee-haw fuckers that Tennessee calls Republican state legislators passed a bill that nearly bans drag shows. Passed along party lines and referring to drag shows as “adult cabaret performances,” Republicans have basically banned drag shows on public property and made it a crime to perform in drag before a child.
State Senator Jack Johnson, whose name means masturbating a penis, said, “I am carrying the legislation to protect children from being exposed to sexually explicit drag shows that are inappropriate for minor audiences. It is similar to laws that prohibit children from going to a strip club.” But not all drag shows are sexually explicit. They’re usually exaggerated and silly, which Governor Bill Lee, who’s promised to sign the bill, should know…since he once dressed in…wait for it, yeah you see it coming…here it is…drag.
Back when he was in college, Governor Lee dressed in drag. A spokesgoon for Ms. Lee, I mean, Mr. Lee, said drag shows are “obscene sexualized entertainment” while what the governor was doing is “lighthearted school traditions.”
Hypocrisy is a Republican tradition.
But if drag shows are sexual and obscene and Republican college students in wings and dresses are lighthearted, then what was it when Rudy Giuliani dressed in drag so Donald Trump could hit on him?
I can not fathom any drag performance being as awkward and disturbing as Donald Trump sticking his face between Rudy Giuliani’s fake boobies and giving a big sniff. Yikes! My concern is that it was in public where children may have been present. Even adults shouldn’t be exposed to Trump motorboating Giuliani.
There are at least 14 yee-haw states looking to restrict or outright ban drag shows. In addition to Tennessee, there are legislative efforts being made in the red states of North Dakota, South Dakota, Florida, Texas, West Virginia, Nebraska, Idaho, Utah, Arkansas, Arizona, Afghanistan, Montana, and South Carolina. Guess how many fucknut red states are pushing legislation to protect schools from mass shootings?
If Republicans really care about children being exposed to inappropriate sexualized explicitness stuff, then they should outlaw children being taken to Hooters. Hooters is to strip clubs what Maxim Magazine is to Playboy, but with chicken wings. I took my son to Hooters on his 18th birthday because it’s my job as his father to embarrass him as much as possible, but you don’t take young kids to Hooters…except people do. They have a kids menu. On that menu are chicken tenders, sliders, buffalo shrimp, and boneless chicken wings. Now, there’s the outrage.
Forget drag shows. Tennessee Republicans should ban boneless chicken wings because they’re NOT chicken wings. That’s dishonest advertising. While they’re at it, they should ban burrito bowls and taco bowls because they’re not burritos or tacos. They’re bowls. I’m still mixed on whether or not hot dogs are sandwiches.
Republicans are also outraged about Drag Queen story hour, which isn’t that widespread but it’s not sexual or obscene at all, unless you think a guy in a dress is obscene. The biggest threat to Republicans from Drag Queen Story Hour is that it teaches kids to be tolerant and not to grow up and become homophobic Republican assholes.
Republicans behind the legislative efforts to ban drag shows say they’re not banning anything, but that’s a lie too. It’s a First Amendment violation. Let’s say you are a guy and you want to wear a dress. You’re gay or even a performer, you just choose to wear a dress. These states are outlawing that. They are telling you what you can and can’t wear in public. Wait for the first public protest against this bill in Tennessee where all the protesters are dudes in dresses. They won’t be performing but they will be breaking state laws.
Here’s how they should protest: Perform a public drag show and when the cops show up, tell them you’re female. Make them look. But maybe Tennessee will create a penis patrol unit (haha, unit) of the state police.
I believe in freedom. I believe in America. And if a man wants to wear a dress, I believe he shouldn’t be persecuted for it, whether by hate groups or the government (often the same thing). Every man should be free to wear a dress. Every man should be free to accessorize. Every man should be free to work it…just like Tennessee Governor Bill Lee.
Fun fact: I’ll be in Tennessee for a few days in a couple of weeks. I plan to wear pants.
Music note: I listened to Queen and honestly, that’s just a coincidence.
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