Vive Le Loser


Fact: Mike Pence did nothing…NOTHING…to prevent the United States men’s basketball team from losing to France. Oh, sure. He might give you some weak excuse that there’s nothing in the United State’s Constitution that empowers a vice-president to prevent an Olympic basketball loss, but I think that’s just a poor excuse for being disloyal.

I went to my local post office yesterday. I’ve gotten to know the people who work there. The guy behind the counter asked me if I’ve been watching the Olympics and I told him I have. I’ve watched badminton, horses, diving, volleyball, skateboarding, and the night before, I was watching the USA men’s basketball team take on France. I watched the game while I was eating taquitos at a place down the street and I left during the second period. So, I didn’t finish the game. I asked the mail dude, “How bad did we beat France?”. He said, “France won.” I thought he was fucking with me.

If you had asked me before the game who would win, I would have told you the United States. In fact, I would have told you the USA men’s team would go undefeated and tear through the Olympic tournament. When you look at who we have on our team, that guy from the NBA and that other guy from the NBA…and then there’s that other guy from the NBA, it’s impossible for us to lose. Basketball was invented here and nobody produces players like we do, like that other guy from the NBA. No other nation has as rich of a basketball culture as we do. Based on that, I refuse to believe we lost that game to France.

Also, another reason to refuse to believe we lost to France is because it’s France. We have a basketball culture. They have a culture of cafés, snooty waiters, body odor, mistresses, Jerry Lewis, mimes, croissants, and horny cartoon skunks. They cannot beat us. We’re ‘Murica, baby.

So, based on my feelings and not the scoreboard, we won that game and it was stolen from us. There are a lot of facts to support my belief it was stolen from us. Feel free to make these go viral if you wish.

Fact one: Mike Pence didn’t stop it. He did absolutely nothing to help USA win this game.

Fact two: The scoreboard was plugged into an electrical socket. Do you know what else plugs into sockets? Internet routers. Do you know who else has the internet? Italians. Italy probably used their satellites to beam something (we’re still working on this) back down to Earth (which is flat in red states) into their routers to manipulate the scoreboard.

Fact three: Italy and France share a border which means those two nations are probably a lot closer to each other than either one is to America. Bastards! With your help, we can finally expose this.

Fact four: Nobody knows how many cheeses there are in France. Some say it’s 1,600. Other says it’s over 3,500. I’m not sure how this impacted the game but we have Sidney Powell on it right now.

Fact five: The score of the game, supposedly, is France-83 and USA (God’s country)-76. The year 1776 was the birth of our nation. The Treaty of Paris, officially ending the American Revolution, was signed in…wait for it…1783. By “rigging” the game to end at 83-76, France was mocking us.

Fact six: Spain, who also shares a border with France, was one of the signers of the Treaty of Paris. We beat them in a war, and Spain colonized everything south of our border and gave them the Spanish language, which they’re now attacking our English language with. We’ll get Rudy on this connection. I bet it’s in a laptop someplace.

Fact seven: We got Florida from Spain…and they refuse to take it back.

Fact eight: France invented mistresses and the ménage à trois which was done on purpose to tempt and destroy Donald Trump. But the joke’s on you, France, because Republicans are hypocrites and they don’t care if Donald Trump violates every single belief they’ve been promoting for the past seven decades. So, HA-HA!

Fact nine: France refused to help us invade the wrong country after 9/11. And they had the gall to even criticize it. Plus, they raised tariffs on French fries, French toast, and French bulldogs.

Fact ten: After World War II, France chased out all the Vichy French which makes France Antifa.

Fact eleven: France invented democracy which stole the election from Trump.

Fact twelve: This is all we need to prove the game was rigged against us. The athletes playing for France…I hope you’re sitting down for this…are not American citizens. I checked and I’m pretty sure France is an entirely different country. This is going to surprise you Trumpers, but it’s also on a different continent. Can they legally play basketball against the United States? Didn’t anyone check their IDs before the game. Those players probably prefer France over America too.

This is probably the biggest scandal since Watergate and is the crime of the century. What we need to do is have the score audited by Cyber Ninjas (not real Ninjas because they’re from Japan, which I’ve been told is also a completely different country from us where English is not the most common language. Heathens). I’m sure they can multitask and do it while recounting the Arizona ballots. They should probably be nearly finished auditing those ballots anyway since the election was nine months ago and they’ve been counting for three.

After Cyber Ninjas (not the ninjas from Asia, where covid was manufactured with Dr. Fauci at a Chinese Wendy’s) finishes their scoreboard audit, several months from now, and they deliver the results we want, the USA men’s basketball team will be reinstated as gold medal winners. And if we don’t get what we want, then we’ll storm the Olympics and stop the steal. Who cares if the Olympics is contaminated with covid. People who love ‘Murica and Lee Greenwood songs ain’t afraid of a little covid.

Anything we lose that we don’t want to lose shouldn’t be counted. That’s how democracy is supposed to work. And if we can’t win the game, then let’s change the rules. We can start by putting the baskets for black French players in hard-to-reach places where nobody wants to go, like Idaho. We can also demand every French player have an American ID. And, if they’re not American, then they can’t get an American ID. Also, nobody is allowed to give them water or Gatorade during timeouts. Finally, all scoring is to be tabulated only by English-speaking Americans who would never eat little thin pancakes (God hates tiny pancakes).

By the way, did you know Larry Bird is from a town in Indiana called FRENCH Lick? The conspiracy widens.

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Chinese Dribbling


CCTV Sports, a division of China’s state broadcaster, said in a statement, “We believe any remarks that challenge national sovereignty and social stability do not belong to the category of free speech.”

Let that be a reminder that any nation that has prohibitions on speech doesn’t know the definition of free speech (it’s kinda like when Donald Trump lectures about…anything). For the speech to be free, all subjects fit the category, even those that scare you.

China loves basketball and the nation accounts for ten percent, and growing, of the National Basketball Association’s revenue. That revenue is now threatened after a tweet by one of the league’s general managers. Houston Rockets’ GM, Daryl Morey, sent out a tweet in support of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong. He tweeted, “Fight for freedom, stand with Hong Kong.” Authoritarian China was not pleased.

Chinese organizations and firms have suspended their relationship with the NBA, at least for the time being. Authorities made it clear that business as usual with the league will cease until the NBA totally repudiates Morey’s statement. They haven’t done that.

The tweet was deleted and the NBA issued a statement that was criticized for being too beholden to communist China. Since then, Commissioner Adam Silver defended Morey’s right to free speech saying the league would not pursue profits over principles. Silver said, “The NBA will not put itself in a position of regulating what players, employees, and team owners say or will not say.”

Where the NFL is afraid of Donald Trump and conservative America, the NBA is not and has set itself apart for standing up for social justice and against bullies like Trump. After Trump attacked NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem, the league changed policies to avoid the controversy, even going so far to hide the players in the locker room while the anthem is played.

After Trump attacked players who said they wouldn’t visit the White House by telling them they’re not welcome at the White House (in case you’ve forgotten, Donald Trump is a toddler), the players were supported by the commissioner and several team owners. Lebron James called Trump a “bum,” and was joined by other prominent players. While Trump continued to berate the NFL, calling for protesting players to be fired, like a bully, he slunk away from the NBA. In the NFL, Colin Kaepernick can’t even get a try out let alone a job.

NBA players have led on-court protests while wearing T-shirts in support of Black Lives Matter. When Arizona enacted a Gestapo-like law making it legal for cops to stop people for merely being brown, the Phoenix Suns wore “Los Suns” jerseys to support their Latino community and fan base. When racist comments from L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling emerged, the league banned him for life. The league has set a standard for itself. While kowtowing to China may save some revenue, not standing up for its players and employees would hurt it with its American fan base.

China has responded by canceling broadcasts of the two exhibition games between the L.A. Lakers and the Brooklyn Nets that are to be held tomorrow in Shanghai and Saturday in Shenzhen. Now, the actual games may be canceled also. The NBA’s exclusive partner in China, Tencent Sports, said it would suspend live streaming for Houston Rockets games, and stop reporting news about the team. That’s pretty big because the Rockets are the NBA’s most popular team in China, thanks to Yao Ming. Nearly 500 million people in China watched NBA programming on Tencent platforms last season.

Hopefully, the NBA continues to stand up to China. Bullies shouldn’t be tolerated and allowed to win when they threaten financial pressure. Some people in this country should learn that.

While Morey was tweeting “Fight for freedom, stand with Hong Kong,” our president (sic) sent a congratulatory tweet to China on 70 years of communist rule. He also congratulated Vladimir Putin on winning a sham election after being coached by his staff, “do not congratulate.” It’s been reported that Donald Trump promised President Xi Jinping that he’d stay silent on Hong Kong protests while our two countries negotiated an end to the trade war he started. Trump says that’s not true, but he also said only dumb people would believe he talked to Ukraine about investigating the Bidens before a summary of the transcript came out proving he talked to Ukraine about investigating the Bidens…and then admitted it. Of course, while denying he promised not to criticize China over Hong Kong, he still hasn’t criticized China over Hong Kong. In fact, the guy who broadcasts his opinions from the mayor of London to Emmy ratings hasn’t shared one comment on the NBA/China rift.

Hysterically, the Trump Campaign is currently airing commercials about how it takes a “tough guy” to change Washington. This is the same “tough guy” who was too cowardly to bring up Otto Warmbier to Kim Jong Un’s face or to take our intelligence agencies’ side over Putin’s while standing next to the Russian dictator.

Silver said, “I do know there are consequences from freedom of speech; we will have to live with those consequences.” In case you’re a Republican, what Silver is practicing is called “ethics.”

Donald Trump is not a friend of free speech. He calls the free press “enemy of the American people” and has suggested we change laws, against our Constitution, that will allow punishing the press for reporting negatively about him. He’s not a friend of democracy. He’s tried to reward Putin and Russia by getting them back into the G7, from which they were expelled after invading a democratic American ally. He worked to steal one election, by asking a foreign nation to meddle, and he’s doing it again to steal a second.

I stand with Hong Kong. Anyone who favors democracy over authoritarianism, including the president of the United States, should stand with Hong Kong. Our president (sic) could stand to learn about principles, ethics, freedom of speech, social justice, and democracy from a bunch of basketball players.

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