Ballots

Trojan President


CjonesRGB02042022

One of the failed plots in Donald Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 presidential election and become the United States’ first dictator was to seize voting machines.

A new report in The New York Times reveals that Donald Trump considered ordering three different government agencies to seize voting machines before the January 6 attack on the Capitol.

First, Trump tried to convince his Attorney General William Barr that the Justice Department had the authority to seize voting machines. Despite arguments from goons like Sidney Powell and Michael Flynn, Barr told Trump the Justice Department has zero authority to seize voting machines.

You know it’s a really bad idea when Trump’s personal defender, William Barr, wouldn’t go along with it. Barr bailed on this shit show a month before his term was to expire.

Next, there was the idea of using the military to seize voting machines, which was advocated by disgraced general and Putin stooge Michael Flynn. This idea was so bad that even Rudy Giuliani was against it. This is like the time I ordered anchovies on a pizza and even my dog, an animal that would lick his own butt, wouldn’t touch it. Rudy’s the dog here and has been known to lick Trump’s butt. Rudy went along with Italian satellites, bamboo ballots, George Soros and Hugo Chavez meddling, corrupt voting machines, and appointing Sidney Powell as a special counsel to investigate voter fraud, but ordering the military to seize voting machines was the anchovies on that shit pizza.

The third try was to get Giuliani to call the Department of Homeland Security to seize voting machines, but that agency too denied the requests.

This scheme was to seize the machines so they could claim they were corrupt and use that argument to convince swing states to name alternative electors, giving their states, that President Joe Biden won, to Trump.

There is no secret that Donald Trump tried to overturn the election. He even said so over the weekend stating at one of his hate rallies he wanted Mike Pence to “overturn” the election. He even suggested at the same rally that if he’s reelected, or can steal the 2024 presidential election, he will pardon the white nationalist terrorists who attacked the Capitol on January 6, 2021. And then he promoted “protests” at places that are investigating him.

After the Supreme Court ruled the National Archives had to turn over White House documents requested by the House January 6 committee, the National Archives revealed that some of the 700 documents they sent had been ripped up by Donald Trump.

These documents include diaries, schedules, handwritten notes, speeches, and remarks. There are also reports there are unsigned executive orders that were ripped apart. If this is true, were they orders to seize voting machines? Maybe there were orders we don’t know about yet like every Giuliani fart was to be counted as another ballot for Trump. Wow, Trump did win in a stinky landslide. Maybe there was an order to put anchovies on electors, which would keep anyone from counting them.

It was documented as early as 2018 that Trump liked to rip apart documents. After a meeting with Vladimir Putin where only his and the Russian dictator’s translators were present, Trump destroyed his translator’s notes.

A records management analyst and another staffer for the White House would spend hours using Scotch tape to piece records back together that Trump had torn apart. After the analyst told Trump he needed to stop destroying records, Trump fired both staffers and banned Scotch tape from the White House. Sniffing airplane glue was still allowed.

It’s probably illegal for a president to destroy White House documents…or for anyone to destroy White House documents.

Stephen Gillers, a New York University law professor said destroying White House documents “could be a crime under several statutes that make it a crime to destroy government property if that was the intent of the defendant.” He explained further, “A president does not own the records generated by his own administration. The definition of presidential records is broad. Trump’s own notes to himself could qualify and destroying them could be the criminal destruction of government property.”

Since the documents are government property, and not Trump’s to do with as he wishes, it may still be a crime to destroy them, even if it’s not an attempt to destroy evidence.

Usually, when you destroy documents, it’s because you don’t want anyone to see them. Have you ever sent bank or tax records through a shredder? Why did you do that? Because you didn’t want anyone else to see them. Donald Trump destroyed documents because he was hiding shady shifty shit. There are probably thousands of documents and evidence of Trump’s crimes we’ll never know about. I still want to know what was on those translator’s notes.

I really hope a tally of all of Trump’s crimes is being kept somewhere by very important law enforcement people. It’s been over a year since Trump left the White House. It’s past time for prosecutions to begin on the Trump crime syndicate.

Music Note: The music I listened to while drawing today’s cartoon was by the Cranberries.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Swarming Arizona


Cjones05272021

A lot of stupid crazy shit goes down in Arizona. People look at the fake audit by a fake security firm owned by Republicans and say, “Only in Arizona.” I don’t think that’s fair. Sure, crazy shit happens in Arizona that wouldn’t happen in most other places…but it’s not fair to say, “Only in Arizona.” It’s not fair to Florida.

Florida was doing crazy recount shit before it was cool. Florida is old-school crazy. Back in 2000, Florida upheld the national election and only stopped recounting when the Supreme Court told them too, which made George W. Bush president. Don’t you remember hanging chads?

Arizona and Florida have reputations for not being the best of us. In the excellent TV show, “The Good Place,” the very stupid character, Jason, is from Jacksonville. Jason has quotes like, “Yo, you should listen to me. I came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed,” and, “I’m telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.” After delivering one of his stupid comments, Eleanor says, “Are you from Florida?” Eleanor is from Arizona. She’s the one who’s most ethically-challenged.

Some of Eleanor’s best quotes are, “Anything she left in your apartment now legally belongs to you,” “Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?”, “How dare she steal the identity I stole?”, “I was a good person for six months. That’s like five years” and, “Ya’ basic.”

But, Arizona…compared to Florida, ya’ basic. Florida has “Florida Man.” Florida has Matt Gaetz. Roger Stone moved to Florida. Donald Trump moved to Florida. Sure, Arizona has Arizona State, but Florida has Jacksonville. It’s said that people move to Florida to die, but they have to lose their minds along the way.

One thing crazy stupid-ass fucknut states have in common is that they typically vote Republican. Crazy, stupid-ass fucknut states were all ripe and fertile territory to become Kool-Aid-drinking Trump cult breeding grounds. Look at Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas, South Carolina, and Missouri. These states are the least educated and the most dependent on government assistance. But Arizona and Georgia are two states moving away from that.

Arizona and Georgia are two red states that flipped from Trump to President Biden. Florida is a state that went for President Clinton twice, President Obama twice, then Donald Trump twice. Florida regressed. It elected racist Ron DeSantis its governor and his approval ratings are at 55 percent. This is a guy who signed a bill making it legal to run over black protesters. That’s not legal in Arizona.

Arizona is going blue. It now has two Democratic senators in addition to voting for Biden. But Republicans are not going without a fight. They’re doing a fake audit of Maricopa County, the largest county in the state.

A judge gave the Republican Party the right to a recount, but where the people counting are only Republicans. Florida is impressed. The firm conducting the recount is operated by members of the Trump cult and it has ZERO experience conducting recounts or having any business with elections. Oh yeah…the firm, Cyber Ninjas, is from…wait for it…yeah, you guessed it. Florida!

There are all sorts of conspiracy theories with the ballots. China had flown in tens of thousands of ballots to Maricopa County via a South Korean airplane to swing the election for Biden. Since China got involved, they’re scanning them for traces of bamboo (no word on soy sauce). Donald Trump tweeted that the entire Maricopa County voter database was deleted, which was a lie that forced the Republican official leading the Maricopa County Recorder’s Office to speak out.

Here’s a fact: All eight cases brought in Arizona state and federal courts alleging widespread fraud, inaccuracies, or irregularities lost big time. So, why is there a recount? Exactly! Why is there a recount?

Why has the recount been given to Republicans? Why has the recount been given to a “security” firm run by Trumplicans with no election experience, and whose CEO claimed the election was hacked by the deceased Hugo Chavez? Why are they refusing to allow the press to watch the recount? How come we don’t even know who’s paying for the audit? Could Florida have pulled this off? Give them time.

Republicans claim there was election fraud and the count was fake…so they’re doing a fraudulent recount. What’s next? The fuckers doing the fake recount are going to declare Donald Trump won Maricopa County. Remember, the election was over six months ago and it’s been certified by the state and Congress. Joe Biden is literally in the White House.

One of the people doing the count said, “I think Donald Trump won the election—firm believer. I hope we come to a point where we’re happy with the results and truth is told.” She sounds totally non-partisan to me. Another auditor, who was at the Trump-initiated MAGA terrorist attack on the Capitol Complex, is also on these ballots. In Arizona, it’s illegal to count ballots that have your name on them.

We know with this recount, three people are counting each ballot as they spin on a Lazy Susan (that’s like a turntable. I had to look that up). If one person disagrees with the other two, that person is ignored and they go with the result from the two. They don’t reexamine the ballot that’s probably still spinning on a turntable. Remember, all these fuckers are Trump goons.

Republicans think Maricopa County is a domino. After it falls for Trump, so will Arizona, then Georgia, then Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Nevada. You have to be on the same level of crazy as Marjorie Taylor Greene to believe any of this nonsense, but it’s where Arizona finds itself.

Brood X is coming, but the cicadas are not coming to you if you’re in Arizona or Florida. The cicadas are smarter than Trump voters. They don’t want to go anywhere near Florida Man or Arizona Man. Their asses may be falling off, but they don’t want any business with Arizona and Florida.

After reading today’s cartoon, my proofer Laura told me, “It’s getting harder to satirize these people.” It’s been that way for five years plus. And seriously, how do I top scanning for bamboo?

Cicada note: This Washington Post piece about the cicada’s short life cycle is informative and fun.

Creative note: I started drawing this Saturday morning, but stopped when I got my Matt Gaetz inflatable girlfriend idea. I forgot I had recorded what I drew Saturday, and because I wasn’t paying attention, it was included in the video for the Gaetz cartoon. I don’t think anyone noticed.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have Three copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Tainted Love Ballots


Cjones05052021

“Some very interesting things are happening in Arizona.” That’s the most honest thing Donald Trump has said in a long time.

Saying his goodbyes at Mar-a-Lago to whoever might actually give a flying shit before he leaves his summer compound for his New Jersey compound (the illegal immigrants he’s hired are probably pretty psyched to watch him waddle out of there), Donald Trump spoke as if a biased, partisan, and fraudulent recount conducted by Qanon fucks and MAGA terrorists would somehow reinsert him into the White House.

President Joe Biden won Arizona. Democrat Mark Kelly also won the United States Senate seat in Arizona, joining his party colleague, Kyrsten Sinema. Republicans won a fight to recount ballots in Maricopa County despite it being six months after the election. Republicans can not overturn the results in Arizona and even if they did, it wouldn’t overturn the results of the national election. Joe Biden is president and he’s going to remain president for the next four years.

This recount is nothing except Republican fuckery.

Donald Trump said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if they found thousands and thousands and thousands of votes.” You mean, “finding” votes like he wanted officials in Georgia to find? You know…just making shit up. Looking at who’s doing the counting, I wouldn’t be surprised either if they “found” votes.

Trump also said, “After that we’ll watch Pennsylvania, and you watch Georgia, then you’re going to watch Michigan and Wisconsin, and you’re watching New Hampshire. They found a lot of votes up in New Hampshire just now…you saw that?” No. I did not see that. Probably because it didn’t happen.

And once again, Trump said, “This was a rigged election, everybody knows it, and we’re going to be watching it very closely.” No, it was NOT a rigged election, but this recount in Maricopa County is rigged.

The recount in Maricopa County is NOT being conducted by the state. It’s not even being conducted by the Republican Party. It’s being run by Cyber Ninjas. Who? What? Cyber Ninjas is a company that has less real-world experience conducting recounts as they do at being actual ninjas. I would have more faith in the late Chris Farley’s Beverly Hills Ninja.

In fact, real ninjas should sue Cyber Ninjas for defamation, as these Republican nutless monkeys are giving ninjas a bad name…and also poorly representing actual nutless monkeys.

Cyber Ninjas is not like Dominion Voting Systems. Dominion Voting Systems is a non-partisan company that has years of experience operating voting machines Cyber Ninjas is totally partisan and has zero experience with recounts. They’ve never done it before. Ever. Never. Ever. Never.

Never.

Cyber Ninjas is owned by a nutless monkey Trump goon named Doug Logan who engages in Qanon conspiracy theories. Doug Logan tweeted months ago that a recount in Arizona would find “hundreds of thousands” of votes for Donald Trump. Also, Cyber Ninjas is from Florida. You don’t want nutless monkey Florida fuckery fucking with your ballots. In case you missed it, the guy running the show told us months ago what the results would be before he ever saw any evidence. How does anyone, especially a judge, see that this recount will be fair?

One of the nutless monkeys doing the recount is former Arizona state representative Anthony Kern. Kern was at the Capitol building in the nation’s capital on January 6 engaging in fuckery to overturn the government. There is an actual terrorist in Arizona counting ballots.

And, this partisan recount isn’t open which is funny because Republicans are always screaming about having their observers present during recounts. Arizona Republic (that’s a newspaper despite being owned by Gannett) reporter Ryan Randazzo was ejected from the recount operation after taking photos of Anthony Kern.

It gets even more corrupt. Anthony Kern is recounting ballots that have his name on them. That nutless monkey fucker was in a three-way race, lost, coming in third, and now he’s recounting ballots for his own election. How long has Arizona been Florida? There was more integrity with Putin’s election than with this recount. We need to send Jimmy Carter to oversee this shit.

I have two questions. Why are they using UV Lights on these ballots? These assholes haven’t answered that question. And, why is this happening? Why are partisan assholes with zero experience recounting ballots? Why are these buttmunches even allowed to put their grubby mitts on official ballots? And is love goo on ballots strictly an Arizona thing? And if that is a thing, wouldn’t you NOT want to know this?

How would you feel if a partisan corporation with zero experience was pawing all over your ballot? How would you feel if that corporation was full of pro-Hillary zealots? I sure Republicans would be totally fine with that (in case you couldn’t detect it, that was sarcasm).

So why is this recount happening? The Arizona state Senate subpoenaed Maricopa County’s ballots and vote tabulation machines so it could audit the results that showed Biden winning in Arizona, which Trump supporters say occurred because of fraud (which again, is a lie).

So, the state senate won the right to have a recount, and they hired Cyber Ninjas, which is a partisan company with no experience. Former Republican Arizona secretary of state, Ken Bennett, is acting as the senate’s liason to the recount. Bennett said, “We are going to be able to tell every Arizonan in a few weeks that they can have complete integrity and trust in their elections, or we have some parts of the election that need to be improved.” Really? Complete integrity from a recount conducted by a partisan company with zero experience and consisting of Trump goons and terrorists in complete secrecy?

Senate attorney Kory Langhofer told a judge during a challenge to the recount that oversight wasn’t needed because no personally identifiable information was on the ballots. OK…but how about oversight so that we know the results aren’t just made up? That they didn’t just magically “find” votes in the way Trump asked Georgia Republicans to find votes? Also, how can anyone ever believe anything a Trump supporter ever says? Spoiler alert: You can’t.

A judge refused to kill the recount, but did rule that Cyber Ninjas must make its “procedures” public. What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean they can keep “counting” in secret and only have to tell us the “procedure?”

For all we know, the procedure is a vampire muppet with a UV light doing the counting, saying, “And a one….Ha. Ha. Ha. And a two…Ha. Ha Ha.”

Also, in case you missed it, we still don’t know why the recount is even happening. The use of UV lights hasn’t been explained. Why the GOP gets to conduct it hasn’t been explained. Why a partisan company full of Trump zealots and terrorists with zero recount experience has been hired to conduct the operation hasn’t been explained. Why someone who is on a ballot is allowed to recount the ballots hasn’t been explained. And, why this is even happening at all hasn’t been explained.

If anything, shouldn’t the state be conducting the recount, and not a political party, specifically the one that lost and has been spreading conspiracy theories? I mean, why don’t we just let the makers of Eurovision Song Contest recount the Oscar vote for best song? Don’t surprised if they find the actual winner is “Ja-Ja Dingdong.”

Also, if they do this recount in Florida, where they’re from, and run across Matt Gaetz’s ballot with a UV light, I hope they’re wearing gloves because that thing will look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have Three copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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