Weaseling Before Jesus

The TV show South Park was developed from an animated Christmas card Trey Parker and Matt Stone were paid $1,000 to create for a TV executive to give to his friends in 1995. Titled Jesus vs. Santa, the short provides one token of wisdom we should all carry through life; don’t say “pigfucker” in front of Jesus.

Since you shouldn’t say “pigfucker” in front of Jesus, then you probably shouldn’t be one either. Additionally, I think we can all agree that one shouldn’t be a shitweasel in front of Jesus. If you dedicate your life to the teachings of Jesus Christ and characterize yourself as one of his followers, don’t be a shitweasel. Mike Pence is a shitweasel.

During his interview with Jake Tapper last Sunday, Christian Mike Pence shitsweaseled all over the place.

When South Bend, Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg questioned how Pence could be a Christian while also serving as vice-president to the “porn star” president, Pence indignantly cried about his religion being attacked. I’m not attacking Pence’s religion. I’m attacking Mike Pence and his hypocrisy. I’m also attacking the hypocrisy of the 81% of Evangelical Christians that Pew Research Center claim voted for the Trump/Pence ticket. You’re all a bunch of shitweasels.

I am not a Christian or religious in any way, but I do know something about it. I was dragged to church every Sunday that my mother didn’t sleep in, procrastinate or forget. I lived with my aunt and uncle and their two daughters for six months while in the fifth grade, and they dragged me to church every Sunday in the morning and evening, every Wednesday, every day during revival week, and even Halloween. I had to go to church during Hallofreakingween. I didn’t even know there was Jesus candy. I also attended a private Baptist school for a year in high school. It was brutal. But, I believe all those years of religious trauma has given me at least enough knowledge to know that Christians are not supposed to lie. Do you know what the Bible says about lying? It’s against it. Mike Pence, a man so religious that he refuses to be alone with a woman who is not his wife, is a liar.

During his interview with Tapper, he claimed, “America has the cleanest air and water in the world.” That’s a lie. While the U.S. is tied with nine nations for cleanest water, we come in tenth for clean air.

Pence claimed that Trump said he’d call the FBI if he was offered dirt on political opponents. Another lie.

Pence claimed that six million jobs have been added during the Trump administration. Another lie. They’re sponging numbers from the Obama administration.

Pence claimed Trump has rebuilt the military. Can someone please tell me how? Do we have more tanks, ships, jets, rockets, hats? They’ve increased funding for the military but how has it been rebuilt in two years? Trump once claimed he’s rebuilt our nuclear arsenal when in fact, nothing has been changed regarding it. Liars.

Pence claimed that 90 percent of asylum seekers do not show up for their court hearings. Liar! Liar! Liar! This one is huge. It’s amazing he can keep that flaccid-Trump-adoring-while-have-a-bowel movement expression on his face while telling that lie. Pence must be on some serious medication. The truth is, 90 percent of asylum seekers show up for their court dates. There is a huge difference between TEN and NINETY (if you’re a Republican, it’s 80 percent of a difference). This one isn’t even a quibble or an exaggeration. It’s a fucking lie.

When asked about climate change, Pence said he’d go with the science. When Tapper pointed out that scientists from the Trump administration believe climate change is a threat, Pence refused to admit it was. When pressed several times, Pence still refused to say climate change was a threat. This is what a shitweasel does.

When asked about the conditions for children in detention centers, Pence was unable to defend the lawyers who argued that children don’t need toothbrushes or toothpaste, and instead blamed Democrats. He argued how Democrats weren’t funding more beds for the centers instead of answering why they’re the ones throwing children into these centers. It’s like building torture chambers then blaming someone else for not funding more beds for your torture chambers. Pigfuckers, stop throwing kids into torture chambers!

When asked why the administration wasn’t providing fundamentals to these children they’ve thrown into these torture chambers, Pence laughed. God-fearing Christian Mike Pence laughed when asked about children his administration has imprisoned. He went on to blame Congress, the Mexican government, and traffickers but refused to admit that they can provide blankets and toothbrushes. He accepts no responsibility for the administration’s policy of separating families and throwing babies into cages.

Instead of being an honest man, an honest Christian, Pence dodged and squirmed during the interview. It’s because he’s a shitweasel.

Taylor University is an Evangelical college in Pence’s Indiana. Last spring, Pence gave the commencement address. The Evangelical students got over 10,000 signatures on a petition or protest against Pence. It read, “Inviting Vice President Pence to Taylor University and giving him a coveted platform for his political views makes our alumni, faculty, staff and current students complicit in the Trump-Pence Administration’s policies, which we believe are not consistent with the Christian ethic of love we hold dear.” The students at Taylor know a shitweasel when they see one.

Mike Pence is a Christian but he doesn’t adhere to the faith. Nobody can while supporting lies and throwing children into concentration camps. Nobody can claim they walk with Jesus while supporting Donald Trump.

What would Jesus do?

What would Mike Pence do? Mike Pence would torture babies, like about it, and blame someone else. That’s because Mike Pence is a shitweasel.

And, he’s probably a pigfucker too.

Be Complicit

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