Corrupting The Scouts

On Monday, Donald Trump tainted the Boy Scout Jamboree as if it was a Moscow hotel room.

Trump, who as President of the United States is the “honorary president of the Boy Scouts of America,” though he was never a Scout himself, probably because he got a deferment for bone spurs.

He started his speech promising not to get political, but much like everything else Trump says is a lie, he was lying. For the next 35 minutes, which is more time he spent with Don Jr., Eric, and Barron as kids, Trump treated 30,000 boys to riveting stories of his electoral victory and a rambling tale about a famous, now-deceased home builder that meandered from a Manhattan cocktail party to a yacht and then to places that the president would only allow the boys’ imaginations to go. Basically that story was, rich guy sold his company, bought a yacht, had a bunch of sex, and…shit, there was supposed to be a moral here.

Trump also spent the time campaigning for his secret health-care bill. It’s always been my belief that children shouldn’t have to worry or think about stuff like health care, taxes, Mommy’s boyfriends before she met Daddy, bone spurs, rich-guy-yacht sex, or the president’s fragile ego. Was it “yacht” sex or “yak” sex? Well, they shouldn’t be thinking about either. What kind of freaks are we raising? Anyway….

The Boy Scout “law” stipulates that Scouts are to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent, and definitely not to be thinking about yak sex. Other than “thrifty,” none of those qualities are possessed by our man-boy president (no confirmation on the yak-sex thing).  Before the event, the Scouts were told on their official blog to be “courteous,” and “kind,” and to refrain from divisive political chants like “lock her up,” and “build a wall.” It seems the majority of the Scouts failed to read that blog as the bulk of them booed when Trump, proving he was the least mature among them (yak sex), started to bash Barack Obama for not attending a Jamboree in person when he was president. The event resembled less of a Boy Scout Jamboree and more like a Hitler Youth rally.

Trump must have dated Hillary when he was a kid (or in his dreams) because he’s never gotten over her and the Jamboree speech was another opportunity for him to dis her.

While talking about health care, he “jokingly” said he would fire Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price if the bill doesn’t pass. I think the passage of that bill is more on the president’s shoulders than a cabinet secretary’s. Trump says he won’t own Obamacare “when” it fails, and blames Republicans for not keeping their promise of repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act. Trump forgets he made that same promise. In fact, I think it was supposed to be replaced with “something better” by this point. Being that I was conscious during 2016, I do recall something of that nature coming from Trump.

Trump also complained about the “fake news.” I’m going to stop using the term “fake news” except in context when Republicans use it. Much like “dry water” and “clean coal,” it’s an oxymoron. If the news is fake, then it’s not news. Trump used the term when predicting the media won’t report how large the Boy Scout crowd was that came out to see him. It was a large crowd, but they weren’t there just to see Trump.

When the “media” fails to report that Trump had a large crowd, it’s because he didn’t have a large crowd. He also calls them “fake” when they don’t support his lies about having large crowds, like the “biggest inauguration crowd ever.” Here’s some real news for Trump: The Boy Scout Jamboree is conducted over ten days. They weren’t just there for Trump.

Trump also talked about the jobs report, his tax-repatriation plan, and that under his administration, we can finally say “merry Christmas” again. I didn’t realize Obama had made that phrase illegal.

After enthralling the crowd of boys with the story of winning Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and that one electoral vote in Maine, Trump mentioned some laws of the Scouts, and he focused on “loyalty.” Trump (who also said D.C. is a “cesspool” or a “sewer”) said, “we could use some more loyalty, I will tell you that.”

When it comes to loyalty, who is Trump talking about? Friends, Republicans, his Attorney General, or the director of the FBI?

Parents, Donald Trump is not the example you want to set for your boys. He is not who you want them to be when they grow up. I know it’s sooner than you had planned, but you might need to have “the” talk with them. Not that talk. The other talk. You need to explain to the future men of America just what is a douche bag and why they don’t want to be one. You’ll need a photo of Donald Trump for this talk.

Seriously, next time…just send them to Vegas.

Personal note: I have a bad history with the Boy Scout Jamboree. It wasn’t their fault. It was my editor’s. In the summer of 2001, the Jamboree (which is held every four years) was being held in Caroline County, here in Virginia and very close to my city. My editor, who always loved sucking up, really wanted me to draw a “welcome Boy Scouts” cartoon. I did not want to do that since that wouldn’t be an actual cartoon. I’m really difficult to work with when you expect me to draw pointless kiss-ass, crappy cartoons. So, I resisted.

We had a few talks, then a few screaming matches, and I finally drew a “welcome Scouts” cartoon, which I didn’t even sign. He even told me beforehand it could be something as simple as “welcome Scouts,” and then he got mad that that’s exactly what I did (and it sucked as much as you can imagine). The next week, he tried to fire me.

His firing failed, but they put me on some super-secret-quadruple probation thing I still don’t really understand. I argued that I did exactly what he wanted. His argument was, I didn’t want to do it and I questioned his direction. Seriously.

My probation required (over different time frames he pulled out of his ass), that I draw a nice cartoon on something that would benefit the community (like an anti-litter cartoon), a cartoon that says something nice about somebody (that was easy as someone’s always dying), and a cartoon on a subject that is not a news subject. Seriously. An editor at a newspaper wanted a cartoon once a month or so that wasn’t on any issue. That was Hell for a cartoonist. Call me crazy and spoiled, but I always thought being a cartoonist was supposed to be fun and not something where you go to work thinking “fuck!”

There was one more requirement which I turned to my advantage. I was to pick a subject I felt strongly about and I was to draw a cartoon about it as often as I could. He was expecting me to pick something like people who play music too loud, saggy pants, or hey, there’s a ridiculous amount of squirrels in the city park this year. I chose race relations. He didn’t like that. He took me back to human resources (again) where it was pointed out that I did exactly what he stipulated.

So basically, I got put on probation because I disagreed with my editor which is something everybody does at one point or another. But, I never had to meet any of his requirements (though I did plenty of cartoons on race relations). Why? Because, September 11th happened. That threw everything out the window for everybody. So, 9/11, as horrible as it was, actually saved my job. I lasted in that job until 2012. And, I even became more liberal over time (they hired me expecting a conservative cartoonist). I don’t know how I wasn’t fired before eventually being laid off eleven years later.

Again, none of that was the actual Scouts’ fault or problem. My editor was kind of a jerk and I can be too, especially when you step on my work.

My editor had lightened up considerably when the Jamboree rolled around again four years later, and he told me he didn’t expect me to do anything on it. He didn’t want that fight again, and I didn’t either. As it turns out, all sorts of crap happened that year at the Jamboree, so I did at least two cartoons over the next ten days on it. I didn’t draw any “welcome Scouts” cartoons though.

I’m going to write a really interesting book someday.

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