Golden Showers

For months rumors have been circulating among the press and politicians in Washington that the Russian government has serious dirt on Donald Trump they can use to compromise the president elect.

What sort of details could they possibly have that would deter Trump supporters? He’s a racist? Xenophobic? Islamophobic? Assaults women? Likes to watch teenage contestants in his pageants undress? Mocks the handicapped? Doesn’t like people who get captured? He’s an imbecile? To top all of that it’d have to be something seriously nefarious, like he’s been working with the Russians on financial kickbacks, gaining dirt on his political enemies, and that he likes to pee on Russian hookers.

Wait what?

According to reports that have not been substantiated at all, Trump has been in cahoots with Putin and his government and they have a video of him in a Russian hotel doing the disgusting stuff mentioned above. The press sat on this for months as it all sounds like fake news. If I had just come upon a story about this on Facebook I would have kept scrolling.

But apparently there’s something to it. John McCain passed off information on this to FBI director Jim Comey after a former British intelligent agent acquired the information. Buzzfeed broke (and CNN followed) the story after it was revealed that U.S. intelligence is taking it seriously.

Trump has tweeted out that it’s just fake news. It’s finally a “leak” he doesn’t like. Maybe it is fake news. His supporters are railing against it as such. But the stories of Hillary Clinton having Alzheimer, running a child-sex ring out of a pizza parlor, funneling money to ISIS, or that the Pope endorsed Trump were never taken seriously by U.S. intelligence.

U.S. intelligence has taken this so seriously that they’ve briefed Trump, President Obama, and the most important figures in Congress on this peepee-gate.

Remember when Republicans were champions of family values? They were really disgusted by Clinton’s sex scandals having to be on the nightly news, which is where they put it. They hated that they had to explain the stuff to their children. Well, Republicans, go explain “golden showers” to your kids. I know just how uncomfortable that can be because I once had to tell my editorial page editor why he shouldn’t use it in a headline.

But just how believable is it that Trump, a man who enjoys humiliating people, obsesses over revenge, assaults women, and watches teenage girls undress would be into some disgusting deviant sex act with Russian hookers?

This may be totally bogus. It could be fake news except for the aspect that our intelligence has delivered briefings on it. But for Trump who is crying about this being fake news, let me put this in context for him: Some people are saying you like to pee on Russian hookers. Karma can be cruel to someone who waged a birther campaign for seven years.

As much as we can focus on the “ew” aspect of this there are more serious concerns. They’re not “did Trump do the peeing?” Was he the one being pee’d on?” Or did he merely pay Russian hookers to pee on each other? No. The serious questions are whether or not his campaign worked with a foreign government during and before his campaign.

This is serious stuff and current Attorney General Loretta Lynch needs to appoint an Independent Counsel to investigate. You can bet Jeff Sessions will not.

Creative stuff: I wasn’t sure how to tackle this subject, other than the aspect that it may be a wild Bantha chase (see what I did there, Star Wars, peeps?). I’m really not a fan of pee or poop cartoons, and I’m no prude. Colleagues of mine draw those quite often yet they won’t be published anywhere except on Facebook. Plus, it disgusts me. But it’s kinda hard to ignore a story that the president-elect is into golden showers. So I felt compelled to do something on this without mentioning “golden showers” or “urine” or even “pee.” I had a lot of ideas but I knew they wouldn’t work in a family newspaper. So I tweeted them out.

I tweeted “I can’t wait for Trump’s press conference when he’ll look straight at the camera, wag his finger, and say “I did not pee on that woman.” 

“America literally pissed away the next four years.”

“And we can’t return this president-elect because someone pee’d on it.”

And my favorite “I’m going to miss having a president who speaks eloquently, is logical, coherent, has class, grace, and doesn’t urinate on Russian hookers.”

As much as we can feel bad for ourselves that we have this freak in the Oval Office there are other people to feel sorry for. They’re all those poor ignorant bastards who’s going to Googled “golden showers” from their work computers tomorrow.

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